Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

cookie communication

July 16, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT262

Remember all that lovely fun we had earlier this year with all your subversion of Thorntons’ icing policy? So does Archie:

I have just been trawling through your old podcasts and found the one where you were talking about whether Thorntons would put anything on a cake.

Two of my friends at school used to get a giant cookie from Millie’s Cookies every week and they got steadily stranger. Goes to show they’re happy to put most things on there!

Click the thumbnails to view the series of cookie abuse:

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Hoff hassle

July 16, 2013

The-Hoff-Takes-a-Nap-During-Live-Interview-2

CLICK HERE FOR AMT262

Uh oh, Hoff-based contention! Though he unites nations, he has divided our listeners. Gesine writes:

David Hasselhoff (our beloved hero) did not bring down the Berlin Wall by standing on it and belting out “I’ve been looking for freedom” – he did his New Year’s Eve gig AFTER the wall came down. He also didn’t stand on the wall – they got a crane in for him.

If he had tried to do it before November 9th 1989, he would have probably been shot. If he had come from East Berlin, he would have needed to navigate thousands of armed soldiers, barbed wire, dogs, trenches and the death strip. And even though he must have been pretty fit during his Baywatch heyday I doubt he could have climbed the 3-4m smooth concrete wall on his own.

If he had managed to come from West Berlin and climb the wall, he might have been shot as well because his blinking leather jacket must have been a pretty tempting target.

So enough ranting – Olly you can redeem yourself by answering me this – beside the ladies in red bathing suits, what made Baywatch so popular around the world?

IT WAS THE LADIES IN RED BATHING SUITS OF COURSE. What more do you need?

But Gesine, you don’t address a greater mystery, as contemplated by Neal from Crawley in West Sussex here:

Olly mentioned that Hoff’s popularity in Germany was due to his Berlin wall unification gig. However the reason he was on the wall in the first place was because he was already popular there. So. Why was he popular in Germany in the first place?

Any ideas, anybody? Go to the comments to cast light upon this mystery, although Gary rejects the assertion upon which it is based:

Normally, I am not the type to write to podcasts and express my discontent.

But I do want to clarify something about Germany and David Hasselhoff.

Yes, he had a big hit in Germany at the time the Berlin Wall, but that was the only hit. The rest is just hype and The Hoff’s PR team. Saying Germans love David Hasselhoff based on one hit is like saying Brits love Chumbawumba because of that Tub Thumping song.

Sorry to pick nits, but the truth need to be put out there.

Can it be? You’re smashing a lot of myths there, Gary…German readers, are you just going to sit there and let him defame your beloved Hoff? Or sit there and let everybody think you have mystifying taste in music?

I’d also be interested to hear from Japan-based readers about whether bands that are renowned for being ‘big in Japan’ really ever were big in Japan. Tell me: does the country have statues of Shampoo in every city, and a national holiday in honour of Corduroy?

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Enigma

July 10, 2013

It’s rare we receive feedback about one of our jingles, even rarer that such feedback contains courtroom drama, 90s number one hits (in Norway and Greece), venomous centipedes and tragic death. But this email from Claire from Cork has it all:

In one of your bits in the middle of the podcast, Olly has recorded a piece which goes as follows:

“Hello I’m the monk out of 90s band Enigma.
Helen, answer me this.
Why-aii-aaiiii…etc
What was that all about?”

I’ll tell you exactly what that was all about.
It was an Ami (indigenous peoples of Taiwan) traditional song.

In 1988, husband and wife duo Ying-nan Hsiu-Chu Kuo sang the song in Paris as part of a cultural exchange, where they were paid $15 a day. It was recorded by Maison des Cultures du Monde and later put on CD of ‘Taiwanese Aboriginal Songs’.

Then, Michael Cretu of Enigma fame got his grubbly little hands on it and began sampling – resulting in the classic ‘Return to Innocence’. The Kuos then took their asses to court along with EMI for violation of copyright.

They won the case which was then settled out of court in 1999 for an undisclosed amount. Cretu still maintains that he was of the impression that the song was part of the public domain.

Mr Kuo died in 2002 from a venomous centipede bite. Hsiu-Chu died a few months later.

All this drama, from a piece of elevator music.

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interesting accountants

July 10, 2013

Another bit of business left over from AMT261, addressed by Storm:

Re: the accountant who gets the ‘bored’ look from people when he tells them he is an accountant..
I’ve had this for years…I tried to evade the subject by just saying ‘I work in an office’ and then I discovered that my neighbours thought I was a cleaner!

I now try to talk about a project I’ve been working on, as I tend to find that what people think accountants do isn’t. For example I’ve recently been working on a project to open up new children’s homes.

In the 1980s there was a big move to use the private sector to provide old people’s homes, it was very successful with price decreasing and quality increasing. So the project was extended to children’s homes. Children in care are substantially different from old people, there is more shoplifting, casual violence and vandalism so the private sector haven’t been made keen to move into this market.

These places are really expensive: it costs less to send a child to Eton than to put them in a private children’s home. I met a guy who owned two children’s homes and had bought a helicopter to fly between them.

It’s better for children to be nearer their old homes, school, and friends. And I found that opening a new children’s home would save over a million pounds per year.

Good work, Storm: you’re providing many potential avenues of conversation for your chat-partner. However, not every accountant can speak of an interesting, socially important project. Does anybody have a useful gambit to say instead of, “I help a wealthy corporation stay wealthy”?

Or maybe it’s best to avoid referencing any jobs, ever. Here’s a cautionary tale from Kendersrule:

Many moons ago, while I worked at a supermarket deli counter…

*wibbley camera of the past*

One day when a woman came up to the counter to ask for some ham, we got chatting about the probiotic yoghurt drinks in her trolley.

I asked her how they tasted, as the actors in the ads all looked like they were about to vomit when they downed one.

She replied, somewhat indignantly, that she was one of the people responsible for those ads.

I said “oh” and we spent the next 30 seconds of ham wrapping time in silence. Whoops!

Silence was better than her screaming, “I don’t tell you how to wrap ham!” which would have been quite a reasonable response.

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Red Bull(shit)

July 10, 2013

Before we embark upon the new series, let’s clear up some loose ends from the last series, namely your opinions of energy drinks. Yasmine, 16, from Cheltenham, you have the floor:

I was just listening to AMT260, in which you were talking about Red Bull, a drink I have never tried or ever intend to try, being a self proclaimed H2Only – only drinking water.

I was at the doctor’s talking to a nurse about my new inhaler prescription, when the nurse said, out of the blue, “Don’t drink Red Bull with your inhaler as you can get high.”

Answer me this, is it true? And if so, WHY WOULD SHE TELL THAT TO A 16-YEAR-OLD?!?

Because she thinks it’s a safer way for you to get high than meow meow.

It sounds risky, but less so than the concoction Rachel in Phnom Penh describes:

Your assumptions about SE Asian energy drinks are basically true – in Cambodia you can buy energy drinks far stronger than Red Bull quite happily from just about everywhere. The entire teaching force of the country pretty much runs purely on energy of these drinks.

At work (I’m an ESL pre-k teacher) the staff room provides a popular local mix – a heaped spoonful of strong freeze dried coffee, another spoonful of chocolate drinking powder (Milo) about 1/3 of a cup of condensed milk. And hot water in what little space there is left. It basically tastes like a heart attack.

Answer me this – am I knocking a day off my life every time I drink this?

Dunno, because it doesn’t like the sort of substance whose long-term effects have been subjected to proper scientific studies have been done. If you’re having palpitations, mood swings and insomnia, you’re probably drinking milky amphetamines.

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nuts about Nutella

June 11, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT260

Last week, we spoke upon the act of judging one’s neighbours by the contents of their recycling bins. This week, Hattie‘s recycling-judgement-capacity has been completely scrambled by her neighbours:

I recently noticed one of my neighbours had an entire glass recycling box FULL of empty Nutella jars. I had to walk past twice to make sure I wasn’t imagining things…but yes – the box was entirely crammed with empty pots.

So, please answer me this – how on earth can someone eat so much nutty spread? Or, alternatively, what are they doing with it?

Evidence:

Exhibit A: a LOT of Nutella jars

Exhibit A: a LOT of Nutella jars

My hunch is that they were making a giant Ferrero Rocher. It’s the only reasonable explanation…OR IS IT? Readers, go to the comments to offer your own hypotheses for the profusion of Nutella. Someone was getting rid of their late grandmother’s lifetime collection of Nutella jars? They bath in it? They’re using it to regrout the bathroom? The floor is yours.

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the best joke

June 6, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT259

This question from Margaret in Indiana is the kind that some people spend their whole lives trying to answer*:

I was listening to the lightbulb jokes on last week’s episode, and I had a question:

What is the best joke?

*Not me, though. I am not especially fond of jokes. Therefore I delegate to you, readers, the task of going to the comments and submitting your best joke. The winner gets to be plagiarised by everyone else forever.

Go on, by the end of today I expect the comments section to be like this:

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Deserted Island Discs

June 4, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT259

In last week’s episode we suggested that a desert island, such as the one you’d be stranded on in Desert Island Discs, might be more like this…

Karakum_Desert

…than this:

83310

But Luke disagrees with our interpretation:

Surely the ‘desert’ in desert island is about it being deserted rather than the climate……

You may be right, Luke. However, perhaps they decided not to call the show the more accurate name of Deserted Island Discs to avoid confusion with one of Britain’s more unpleasant deserted islands.

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car poll

May 28, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT258

In AMT257 we learned why in-house polling stations are likely to remain a pipe-dream. But if Mohammed won’t come to the mountain, the mountain will come to Mohammed’s house and offer him a lift, according to Leon from Morpeth:

On the subject of corrupt polling stations:

I live in a small village in Northumberland and our local Conservative councillor (of about 20 years now) owns and runs the country house hotel in the village.

On polling day he regularly pays a member of his hotel staff to stand outside the village hall greeting everyone and taking a private register of every eligible voter in the village.

By the late afternoon he will then drive to the house of anyone who hasn’t voted to give them a lift to the polling station to vote for him.

I always thought this was pretty dodgy.

This on its own is not dodgy:

1. As a man heavily invested in the democratic process, the importance of people exercising their right to vote will surely be even more important to him than his own success.*

2. The people he transports can still vote for whom they like once they’ve been driven right into the booth.**

*Which doesn’t seem much in question anyway, if he’s been the election winner for twenty years.
**On the other hand, if he provides them with a homemade ballot paper with just one name on it…

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underneath their clothes, there’s an endless story

May 21, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT257

Thanks to Emma from Perth, Australia we can take an imaginary peek under holy skirts:

In episode 250 you had a conversation about whether the cardinals and the Pope wear any kind of underwear under those elaborate robes. Well, I just had to write in and tell you. I recently went on a Buddhist retreat, and the head abbot, a really funny guy with a great sense of humour named Ajahn Brahm, was asked this very question about Buddhist monks.

The questions were written anonymously on little bits of paper that he read out in front of a crowded hall. Some cheeky person asked him if they wear underpants, and if so, are they a special kind of holy underpants just for monks. Ajahn Brahm replied that the best thing about being a monk in Australia is that no, you don’t have to wear underwear beneath those robes and it’s really cool during the hot weather.

So there you go.

There we go, and there they go, swinging freely in the breeze.

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Artextinction

May 1, 2013

artex-patterns-large

CLICK HERE FOR AMT254

To solve AMT254 mystery of the continuing existence of Artex, Pete has written in to say:

My dad works for Artex, and I can reveal that one of their biggest sellers is a sort of plaster stuff for covering up horrible Artex.

Makes you wonder if that’s what they had in mind all along.

I can accept that conspiracy theory far easier than I could accept the notion that there are still people out there who actually wish to smear Artex all over their interiors. Of their houses, I mean. What you people do with your own bodies is none of my damn business.

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gaming the grabber

April 25, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT253

Thanks to John, we now all know how to upset the fairground economy by loading up on horrible cuddly toys above the odds:

Last week when you discussed the grabby machine, Olly seemed amazed that the inquisitor’s friend had been successful at the ‘game’.

I would have shared this logical scepticism until on recent trip to Bournemouth I watched amazed as a scruffy-looking older bloke in a grubby mac was playing the machine and winning more or less every other go! He was putting the prizes in a big plastic bag.

After I’d been standing and watching aghast for about fifteen minutes or so, he told me to fuck off, picked up his bag of plushies (as our American cousins call them) and left. I watched him cross the road to a similar arcade, take a key out of his pocket, open the window of the grabby machine and pour all the prizes from his bag into it! A very low cost restocking.

In case you wonder, his technique was to use the initial go to not grab but hook with just one hook causing the teddy or similar fluffy grotesque to roll on top of the stack, then due to its elevated position the grabber could take a firm grip on the next go. His success rate was extremely high!

I have since tried this technique with a modicum of success. I think looking out for recently filled machines is key to the level of success he enjoyed.

That man really has it made. He gets to enjoy all the fun of the grabbing (a questionable amount) and he’s supplying his own business all the while. I don’t know why he’s not wearing a smart business suit, but maybe the grubby mac is his equivalent of Steve Jobs’s perennial t-shirt. He’s so successful, he doesn’t need his clothes to brag about it.

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