Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

manual labour vs Mann-ual labour

September 18, 2013

se7en Sloth Scene B

CLICK HERE FOR AMT271

Oh dear, another listener irked by AMT271. Vent your grievance, Craig:

I’m sorry but I won’t be able to download your podcast any longer as I am working class and work with my hands, and as Olly said on Episode 271 I couldn’t possibly have any concept of what a podcast is or that people could carry out a type of work that involved only using a magical device called a phone!

What a snobbish patronising attitude you seem to have to us lowly manual labour types, let’s see how stupid you think we are next time something like your boiler breaks and you need one of us to repair it!

In Olly’s defence, I think what he was clearly trying to express was: anybody for whom the concept of work does not mean ‘sitting on a deckchair listening to one’s own voice’ – ie everybody – would deride Olly’s ‘work’. Like Rachmaninov would scorn David Guetta’s ‘music’, or Gordon Ramsay would scream at any of his Kitchen Nightmares victims that served ready-prepared food. Oh. Hang on…

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repeat offender

September 18, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT271

Much as we want to, we can’t save Team AMT members from themselves. We told Kris once. We told Kris twice. And now it appears we have to tell him for a third time that his ex-girlfriend is manipulative, selfish, advantage-taking monster and he needs to GET RID:

Guess what, we got back together in January! After 8 months of crazy (her seeing 2-3 guys, falling pregnant etc) we decided that the fact we had talked every day meant something….and now we’ve broken up again (3 weeks ago). We had been discussing marriage and even up until two weeks ago were talking about getting back together and looking for a place.

It won’t surprise you to know that a week after our break up, she has met a new fellow via internet dating. She has described him ‘feeling like the one’. And he’s even asked her to move in with him in little over a month’s time. Yet surprisingly her behaviour has not seemed consistent. We awkwardly bumped into each other on the dating website, and she was still looking for guys after she’d met him.

She also has a box of my stuff she’s been ‘too busy to send’. She now claims she needs to source a box, which I suggested she could grab from the post office. She refuted that suggestion saying it would cost $10 and her parents have boxes for free.

Perhaps most baffling of all is that while she’s asked me to be happy she’s found her one, when I mentioned my own foray into the dating scene it was met with scorn and nitpicking on how stupid she sounded. It was the day after that she then changed her Facebook status as if to send me a message. I will admit to my own dalliance with immaturity by sending back a book which contained those lovely dovey questions. It was basically a bible of how I was the one and perfect for her – my argument was she’d kept our other sentimental shit in the past but to me it just felt hollow.

I guess the condensed version of this is, if she’s so happy with the ‘one’ why would she ever call me (admittedly not every day maybe every few days) and why would she pour such scorn on my own dating – I mean I’m happy she’s happy; why is this not mutual?

Because, as we said before Kris, this woman wants you to be available to her on her terms whenever she pleases. Your happiness is not important to her; frankly you are not important to her. She gives shits only about herself.

Even the most well-balanced person doesn’t relish hearing that an ex has moved on, even in the most friendly of circumstances. However, this woman is not that person. She does sound rather messed up – but regardless of that, she seems to be completely unrewarding as an object for your affections. Read your own emails: she has repeatedly demonstrated this.

So – say it with me, readers:

CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE, KRIS!

I hardly think I can make this message clearer. And if you write to us again in 8-12 months with the same problem, I will assume that you have a fetish either for shit relationships, or for me berating you. Whichever it is, I don’t want to help you indulge in it.

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cunting for cunts

September 17, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT271

Here’s a frosty email regarding AMT271 from long-term listener Magnum from Edinburgh:

Dear Helen, please learn to distinguish between scouting for girls and bowling for soup. I know it’s probably just a case of them both having the word for in the name and you were racking your brain to think of the correct band. But you don’t want to upset the BFS army. That way madness lies.

Perish the thought I’d upset the Souperheroes or whatever they call themselves! Don’t worry, Magnum, I didn’t confuse their music any more than I’d confuse a shrug and a wince. It was, as you suspected, a linguistic switcheroo, so henceforth I will refer to both bands, as well as any others using that name formula, as [Gerund] For [Irrelevant Noun].

Bowling for Girls

Bowling for Girls


Scouting for Soup

Scouting for Soup

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domain dosh

September 12, 2013

money_suitcase

CLICK HERE FOR AMT270

Pat from Canada is taking a gamble with gamblers:

In regards to your recent podcasts about domain names I thought you would find it interesting to hear about my husband’s experience. A few months back, he received an offer of $500 for his company’s domain name. He turned it down as it wouldn’t be worth the time and effort to reestablish a new name as he has used the same one for the last 16 years.

A few days after he turned this down, he got another offer and this time it was $5000.00. He asked which company was interested and although the broker wouldn’t tell him, he managed to do a little online sleuthing around the area code of the broker and the initials of his company’s name and it appears that a very large US gaming and casino company is involved!

He told the broker that it would take a lot more money to get him to give up the domain name and we are waiting to hear their counter offer! $$$$$$

How much should we hold out for?

You could do some research into similar cases and the amounts large companies paid for domains. Or you could think of a pleasing amount of money, then double it, then add another decimal point or two to compensate your husband’s business for the hassle it would cause to change it.

Go on, readers: how much would you sell it for?

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Lest there be any doubt, zombie questions continue to be off limits at AMT

September 11, 2013

zombie-cat

CLICK HERE FOR AMT270

Henry in Vancouver, Canada thinks he’s some kind of rebel:

Hearing your notice not to send in zombie questions last week naturally made me think of some sort of check-mate scenario in that regard. With that in mind, Olly, answer me this, what is the plan for your cat in some sort of Zombie-centric emergency?

NO, HENRY. NO. NO.

And now there’s Joel:

Do the BBC and other such channels have actually have a system for a nationwide crisis, such as a zombie attack?

The answer to the sensible portion of your question is ‘Yes’. My response to the latter part is NO, JOEL, NO NO NO NO NO FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Honestly. You people.

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page turners

September 4, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT269

We thank the many of you who sent in very knowledgable-sounding feedback upon last week’s topic of pianists’ page-turners. As well as some very informative comments about the system, our inbox has received so many emails that it was difficult to choose which to present to you here; but we ended up choosing this one from Cassandra because she sounds so cheerful:

Greetings!! I am parked outside the Cheesecake Factory restaurant in Fairfax, Virginia listening to your episode on page turners for pianists and orchestras. I was so excited I knew the answer I had to hold off on buying cherry cheesecake until I could answer it.

I can help!! I am a violinist and in an orchestra the string players are always grouped by twos: two musicians to a music stand where they share the music.

When it comes to the point of the page turn, it is the “inside player” who does the page turning. This means that the musician who is closet to the audience/edge of stage always continues playing while the inside person pauses for a few seconds, flips the page, and then continues playing. This ensures no break in the music. It is essentially universal, this method.

However, I teach high school orchestra students and there is usually a pretty lengthy “debate” on who has to turn pages, meaning “I am a senior and you are a freshman and I don’t care that you are the outside, you are turning my pages, blah blah blah.” It’s amusing to listen to and then correct them that no, you really do need to turn the pages for the freshman since you are on the inside.

BTW – my younger sister has turned pages for a pianist before, harder than it looks as you have to turn them EXACTLY when they indicate and you have to be able to read music (she played piano herself), or they swear at you under their breath 😉

Now I need cheesecake.

You go get that cheesecake, Cassandra! Thanks for the information. And thanks also to Adam for suggesting something to watch whilst gobbling the cheesecake:

Did you ever watch The Page Turner? It was a very boring movie about some lesbian pageturner who started an affair with a pianist wife of a family.

I didn’t; and now you’ve told me what happens, and that it’s very boring, I will continue to not watch it.

If any of the rest of you are tempted, however…

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.int

September 4, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT269

Here’s some intportant intformation about the runt of the litter of the seven original major web domain suffices. Int’s from David:

Last week you talked about the original Internet top-level domains, and wondered who on earth would buy a .int domain.

Well, I used to work for the International Network for Bamboo and Rattan (INBAR), whose website is http://www.inbar.int. A guy there told me that only recognised intergovernmental organisations, such as INBAR or the UN, are allowed to have websites ending in .int.

So no-one can simply buy a domain ending in .int (check GoDaddy, it’s not one of the options when you try to register a new domain) — you first need to set up a globally-recognised intergovernmental organisation.

So, answer me this: how does one go about setting up an intergovernmental org?

You think if we knew how to do that, we’d be still be trifling around with podcasts? Readers! Go to the comments to tell David how he can get to play with the big guns (the big guns being the International Network for Bamboo and Rattan, of course. What could possibly be bigger?).

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step AWAY from the face paint

September 3, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT269

You know, sometimes I worry about the advice I dole out on Answer Me This! – though I was pretty sure about the particular nugget which Rupert has written to endorse:

Having only just caught up with Episode 268 (the holiday podcast backlog causing its usual chaos), I heard the bit about not blacking up children and was brutally dragged back to one of the most embarrassing incidents of my life…

I was an awkward child of 8 or so, up in Edinburgh for our annual Christmas stay with my Aunt, Uncle and cousins. For some reason that year, the traditional panto included The Black & White Minstrels (this was about 45 years ago, o tempora, o mores, etc.).

The highlight of the show was the opportunity to get blacked up like a Black & White Minstrel (remember, 45 years ago). My hand shot up, and I was invited up on stage. What I had forgotten was that we had been dressed up in our finest clothes for this treat, which for me – for reasons I have never fully understood, since I was English and lived in Hampshire – meant wearing a kilt.

Having blacked up my face, like the others, they then had to black up my knees – to the great derision of the rest of the audience, who seemed to regard this as the most ridiculous thing they had ever seen. It probably was, but childhood wounds run deep. I have never worn a kilt again.

So I just wanted to endorse the wise advise you handed out: do not black up children.

Indeed. Do not. Not ever. Not even for kiddy productions of Othello.

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glacé deer

August 27, 2013

peanut-butter-reindeer-cookies-4

CLICK HERE FOR AMT268

We’ll have even less reason to go near the Christmas cake, if Elon from Austin, Texas is reporting truth:

Your exploration of glacé cherries on the show this past week reminded me of a tale I was told growing up in Michigan. Michigan, I believe, is the world’s largest producer of what we call maraschino cherries. Traverse City, in the north of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, is fond of touting itself the Cherry Capital of the World. H

The tale I was told is that when the farmers preserve the cherries they intend to sell to the maraschino cherry producers, they first dump their crop into large pools of chemicals for the winter. And since it doesn’t really matter what happens to the fruits due to the bleaching and candying process, these pools are often outside…essentially just big holes in the ground…which of course attract deer…which sometimes fall in…and get bleached and candied themselves.

The capper of this tale is the bit about how workers are hired in the spring of each year before the thaw completely sets in to fish out the candied deer carcasses and whatnot that falls in over the winter.

So answer me this please: is any of this true? Are health regulations in the US so poorly enforced that this could happen in this day and age? Yeesh!

Readers, if you have any inside knowledge on the candied deer phenomenon, reveal in the comments.

To me, it sounds like bulldeershit. People succeed in covering backyard swimming pools to stop crap falling in. If you had an open-air pool of fruit intended for human consumption, wouldn’t you at the very least put a net over it to catch the larger debris?

And if this is indeed how cherries are stored (rather than in, say, closed tanks), wouldn’t the Michigan climate keep them frozen for several months? Now a deer skating over a frozen pool of cherries, that I’d like to see.

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Frankenstein’s moniker

August 15, 2013

lab1

CLICK HERE FOR AMT266

Rachel has written in with some feedback upon an episode from three years ago, and an injustice we suffered more than nine years ago:

I just finished watching the 1931 movie Frankenstein starring the magnificent Boris Karloff and I noticed something odd about the mad scientist… his name was Henry Frankenstein, not Victor!

I vaguely recalled you mentioning something in a previous episode about losing money in a pub quiz machine because you selected the wrong name for the mad scientist. I was curious to know if the ‘correct’ name on the quiz machine you had was Henry and after a quick search of your website, I found that in episode 149 (with Ian Collins!) you guys said the correct name according to the quiz machine was in fact Henry and that you lost seven pounds!

It’s really weird that your quiz machine targeted such a specific Frankenstein but you guys definitely could have gotten your money back on that one. Just thought you guys would like to know that quiz machine wasn’t totally full of bullshit!

PS The 1931 Frankenstein is an absolutely fantastic movie and was one of the first major ‘talkies’. I definitely recommend watching it sometime!

It must be absolutely fantastic if it has caused the quiz machine to obliterate its knowledge of the CORRECT NAME IN ALL THE OTHER VERSIONS OF FRANKENSTEIN INCLUDING, MOST CRITICALLY, THE SOURCE MATERIAL.

No, we’re still not over it.

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ashes to ashes to your face

August 14, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT266

A cautionary tale from James from Lymm, Cheshire:

Listening to AMT266, your conversation about the legalities of burying people and ashes scattering had me in stitches. So much so that I had to get off my bicycle, lest I cause havoc on the roads.

It reminded me of something that happened a number of years ago when my sister and I were scattering my late father’s ashes.

This was when my sister and I lived at home. My father, he’d sat on the mantle-piece in his little metal urn for a number of years, and one day we got sick of looking at him and organised to go together to somewhere dear to him and us, to scatter his remains.

On the day we traveled to the designated place, and with all the gravity and sobriety requested on such an occasion we both said a little piece, popped open his canister, and upended him.

As expected ashes came ushering forth… only, just at the wrong time there was a gust of wind which as you can imagine played havoc with the scattering mechanisms.

Together we tried to ignore this fact; after my sister and i were done scattering ‘Pop’ we hugged and had a serious, heartfelt conversation. But it was nigh on impossible to keep a straight face between us, as both of our faces were covered in ashes!

So let that be a warning to anyone thinking about cremation. Make sure you conclude proceedings ONLY on a calm day.

Don’t worry, James, we’ve seen enough comedy films to know not to do that. For safety, we’ll be disposing of loved ones’ ashes the Keith Richards way.

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She’ll be coming round the metaphors when she comes

August 14, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT266

Welcome to Learning Time with listener Robin:

A smidgeon more information on ‘She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain’.

Judgement day was sometimes a metaphor for freedom.

Jesus sometimes had the secret meaning of Harriet Tubman, who would lead the slaves to freedom.

It was all right for slaves to be found singing spirituals, but not all right for them to be plotting or hoping for freedom out loud.

This song grows ever more interesting! But still not at all dirty like our questioneer thought. That was all in her mucky mind.

Here’s more feedback on the musical elements of AMT266, from Rebecca from Letchworth:

Musicals are my favourite thing in the world and seeing as I am a drama student, I am constantly singing songs from musicals and going to see musicals in the West End.

I don’t think you should sing along when you go and see musicals on stage – you’re paying a lot of money hear trained professionals do it. Also, the seating in some theatres is very tight, you are practically bumping shoulders with the people either side of you. My advice would be that if you really cannot control your need to sing along (and sometimes you really can’t control it), you should simply mouth the words.

I do this when I go and see a musical, because you feel like you’re singing along and if you get your timing just right, you can pretend in your head that the actor’s voice is actually yours. That way you are having a little sing-song to yourself and you’re not disturbing anyone around you.

Very considerate, Rebecca – unless you’re also silently dancing along, and elbowing your seat-neighbour in the face when you do jazz hands.

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