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cupcake lady – the next chapter

December 11, 2013

✯ DECK YOUR EARS WITH THE AMT CHRISTMAS ALBUM ✯

Here’s an early Christmas gift from Anonymous Cupcake Lady, whose bakery-based battle with her Office Nemesis thrilled you in AMT271. In AMT272, we learnt that the fancy strawberry swirl cupcakes ‘baked’ by Office Nemesis were out of stock. And today, Cupcake Lady has returned to deliver the latest installment in the saga! This week: will Office Nemesis finally be trapped in her own lies? Read on…

I start work at 7am and my best friend (let’s call her Lindsay) and Office Nemesis both start work at 8am. We are doing a Food Bank drive here at work since it is the Christmas Season and Best Friend had not contributed anything so decided to stop in at the shops on her way to work one day.

Oh yes – guess who she also saw entering the shop a couple of minutes before her? That’s RIGHT! Office Nemesis! Lindsay proceeded to hang back a bit and watch as Office Nemesis entered the bakery section and picked up several batches of red velvet and white chocolate chip Christmas Cookies. Lindsay bought some supplies for the Food Bank and headed into work, Office Nemesis had no knowledge that SHE HAD BEEN SEEN!!!!!

Anyway, of course Lindsay filled me in on her reconnaissance as soon as she got into the office and me (being the bitch that I am) couldn’t resist going down to the Third Floor and seeing what goodies might be on offer on this particular day. Low and behold, a plate of “homemade” cookies.

“WOW – has someone been baking?” I declared.

“Yes – I have! Red velvet and white chocolate chip cookies! I baked three batches last night – getting into the festive spirit and everything,” replied Office Nemesis

“Here – take some up to your boss, I know how much he enjoys my baking!”

So, I walked over to her desk and she proceeded to pull out a few zip-lock bags of cookies! That’s right, guys – she actually transferred the cookies into zip-lock bags so it looked as if she had brought them in from home!! Her cunning knows no bounds!

Anyway, I brought the cookies up to my boss and told him Office Nemesis had baked them. He looked puzzled and said “How on earth did she get them all the same size and shape?”

I gave him a knowing glance and we left it at that. I think her secret might be out!

I’ve decided I feel sorry for Office Nemesis more than anything. She’s obviously all kinds of crazy and I think she probably deserves my sympathy more than anything.

That’s very kind of you, Cupcake Lady, and I assume that’s why you’re letting herself carry on with her hairbrained schemes for individual baking glory, rather than confronting her in the supermarket aisle and giving her a good spanking with a silicon spatula. Or concealing yourself inside a cake, waiting for Nemesis to buy it and take it into the office, at which point you would burst out and reveal her trail of falsehood to all your disinterestedshocked and horrified colleagues. But if you do decide to do that, please ask Lindsay to film it for us.

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT280 •••

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Marmite bollocks

November 28, 2013
Don't look at this and think, "Hmm, I wonder what it would be like if I put my balls in there." Just don't.

Don’t look at this and think, “Hmm, I wonder what it would be like if I put my balls in there.” Just don’t.

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT279 •••

Here’s some great – albeit crashingly obvious – advice via Paul from Bristol:

In AMT278 you briefly speculated on the erotic uses of Marmite. I was reminded that a friend of mine once told me, “Never put your bollocks in an empty Marmite jar”. Apparently the shape of the jar makes it impossible to remove them again.

Answer me this: is this true, and if I were to test it what excuse do you suggest I give to the staff in A&E?

Paul’s first question: readers, if you have personal experience of this, either as the enterprising bollock-stuffer or the emergency responder who had to extract the bollocks, please tell us all about it in the comments.

Paul’s second question: there are NO possible excuses. The best you can do is saying you did it for a bet. Anyway, why would you want an excuse? If you’ve gone to all that effort to be The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar, you surely want to be known as The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar.

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celebripiss 3

November 27, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT279 •••

The stream of your celebripiss stories has not yet run dry. Here’s a starry one from Courtney from Dublin:

Was at the premiere of Gangs of New York a few years ago and was at the urinals with Leonardo DiCaprio. Most famous person I’ve peed next to. Fairly important to the story that I point out I am in fact a man with the name Courtney and not a crazy lady in the gents.

Pete has raised the stakes to celebripoop:

A few years ago, a friend of mine got us backstage, access all areas passes to the Download Festival. We had access literally everywhere – backstage, artist green rooms, even managed to see some bands sets from the side of the stage. One advantage to this was the ability to use the artists’ toilets and shower facilities backstage.

We had just watched Faith No More on the main stage and headed back for a few beers. The day’s festivities had caught up with me, and by this time I needed the loo. A diet consisting entirely of alcohol and no actual soild food is always going to have a certain effect, and it was with some trepidation that I approached the toilets.

Upon entering the loos, I sensed that this was going to be a sit down visit rather than a stand up, so duly sat down and let armaggeddon commence. Upon finishing, I flushed and exited, but left behind an aroma that satan himself would be proud of. As I left, I held the door for someone who was approaching, only to notice that it was Marilyn Manson. My good nature took hold, and I felt some kind of warning was in order.

“I’d give that ten minutes if I were you” I offered helpfully. Mr Manson just looked at me and casually nodded, and entered the cubicle area, whereupon I heard a distinct muttering of “fucking hell” followed by a clear retching sound. Result!

As we noted in AMT278, a double celebripiss is quite a feat; Dave here certainly found it too much to bear:

I relieved myself next to Dirty Den from Eastenders. Turns out he was doing the panto and staying in the hotel I was in for my school formal.

I didn’t notice who it was at first when I pulled up beside him until our heads turned and we both gave a nod of acknowledgement to one another. I got stage fright and couldn’t go, though thankfully he quickly finished and left.

Thinking I was now free to do my business with out the pressure of a famous face stood within splashing distance, I set about focusing myself on the job at hand, when who should drunkenly burst through the door and stagger up beside me, none other than ex-Westlife singer Brian McFadden. He was a twat. He swayed about and I’m sure he pissed on himself. I left him to it and went back out with a bladder still half full of wee.

Later that night Brian came into our disco and took over the DJing! He was shite. All the girls flocked over to him asking for pictures and autographs and he responded by hocking up a greener and spitting it at them. He was removed/escorted out by the bouncers soon after.

In Brian McFadden’s defence, Westlifers are only happy when sitting on high stools. They should have fitted an extra-high urinal for his needs.

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Marmite vs mosquitoes

November 19, 2013

marmite-love-it-or-hate-it

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT278 •••

It’s always pleasing to hear from you learned listeners; thanks, Josie, for getting in touch to share Knowledge:

Listening to last week’s episode, I heard you discuss the medicinal properties of Marmite, where Helen said it could repel mosquitoes.

As a mosquito biologist myself I have heard this a few times but, though I love Marmite, all evidence produced so far says that neither vitamin B nor garlic (another commonly toted ‘repellent food’) have any effect on mosquito activity.

This myth is surprisingly persistent though and even my Mum refuses to believe me on this point (apparently a PhD is mosquito biology counts for nothing here!). Just thought I’d write in to make sure that your listeners, unlike my mother, do not plan trips to malaria endemic countries with the intent of using Marmite as a protection against bites!

Other odd, evidence-less repellent ideas I’ve come across during my work include hanging bags of water in your house, as mosquitoes are “terrified my their own magnified reflections in the water surface and run away”, and writing the number “82” on a big sign above your coffee machine.

Because…mosquitoes are terrified by the atomic number of lead? Sounds scientific to me!

Marmite is famously purported to be a divisive substance, and it seems Luke in Kurdistan felt the same about our conversation regarding it:

Answer me this – how did an innocent question about the health benefits of Marmite (or lack thereof), finish with an answer to “Would it be good for the soul to wake up in bed with Peter Stringfellow, if covered in a B vitamin rich, salty spread?”?

Sorry Luke; at AMT, these things just happen.

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Millennium Bug saviours

November 14, 2013

2482771

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT277 •••

The downside of successfully averting a crisis is that nobody believes there was going to be a crisis, therefore you don’t get the credit of averting said crisis. But maybe one day there’ll be an Armageddon-style film celebrating the efforts of IT-ists such as Adrian from Wellington, New Zealand, who says:

I listened with interest to your comments in AMT277 about the damp squib of the Y2K bug.

I’ve worked for a large telecommunications company in New Zealand since 1997, and I can definitely say that the Y2K bug was a very big deal.

You wouldn’t believe the amount of software that it takes to run a digital telephone exchange, and get the phonecalls to the streetside cabinets – and then to the customers.

Also, there are the billing systems that make sure that the correct calls get billed to the correct customers. With us, we also had a large cable TV system, with digital Pay Per View movies, as well as us being an internet service provider.

We took all of 1999 to get software patches written and installed, hardware replaced, and systems tested – because the systems would have ground to a halt at the start of January 1st, if we hadn’t.

As we are the first country to cross the International Dateline, we had manufacturers from the US dialled into our systems, so that if they still failed, they’d have about 15 hours to make changes to the identical US systems.

In the end, as midnight rolled past, the only failure we had was in ordering our Pay Per View movies. The ordering system thought the year was “19100”. It was fixed in minutes.

Incidentally, we also had to be ready for Sept 9th 1999, because there were bugs that targeted the date of 9/9/99.

So – the only reason that Y2K was a “damp squib” was that companies worldwide spent a year or more preparing, fixing and testing.

We succeeded. We succeeded so well that no-one noticed!!

They say virtue is its own reward, Adrian. But it’s not as satisfying a reward as, say, money or glory, or the key to a city. You all need to blow your own trumpets a lot louder next millennium.

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further adventures in celebripissing

November 14, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT277 •••

Your wonderful tales of Piddling With The Stars are still trickling in; here’s one from Leon in Aberdeen:

I pissed next to Johnny Vegas backstage at ITV; he was recording QI there, I was a contestant on Tipping Point. Was going to ask for a photo, thought better of it.

I also got changed next door to Stephen Fry that day! 😮

Best day ever.

Here’s another comedian-heavy celebripiss from Jon:

I hit the men’s room after seeing The Dirty Projectors at Lincoln Center a few years ago. There were three urinals; the outside two of which were occupied by Jason Sudekis and Andy Sandburg from Saturday Night Live, chatting. I panicked for a second, then thought better and used the toilet stall.

Entrepreneurial celebripisser Phil writes:

I once stood next to Richard Branson at a urinal in a medium posh London hotel. It was some kind of Industry awards evening. I think I tried to engage him in some meta-chat about how he must have random people chatting to him all the time, he was chatty enough but finished up quickly and headed off. I do not recall seeing his cock.

And here’s a political celebripiss from Chris from Crystal Palace

I was once at a charity conference and went to the toilet, only to have the then Home Secretary David Blunkett hand me his guide dog while I was urinating. I think he confused me for his aide.

Are you dextrous enough, Chris, to control the dog and your urination at the same time? If not, this could have ended rather badly. And smellily.

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celebripees roundup

November 7, 2013

lmhope

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT277 •••

Since AMT277, your tales of celebripees have been, er, flooding in. Here are some you’ve shared over Twitter and here are some more. Dan from Melbourne writes:

I was in a cafe in Wellington, New Zealand where I went to the toilet and Billy Connolly was in there at the basin washing his hands. I said “Hi, I’m a big fan.” Billy then made a joke about the chair he had broken minutes before.

Jack has also pissed in the vicinity of a comedian:

I urinated next to Norman Lovett after he did a gig at our SU once. I texted my friend to tell him so. Mad props.

Phil from London managed a comedian/pop star double celebripiss:

A couple of years ago I was working in the O2 arena in London, in the private boxes doing bar work.
In a break I went to the toilet, and found myself having a piss between Michael McIntyre and the short one out of JLS.
I had been serving them throughout the evening, and talked to them a bit, but as the rules of the mens toilets go, no conversation happened urinal to urinal.

Oscar from Swansea has also effected a musical celebriwee:

In 2003 I was working on the second and third stages of the Guildford music festival Guilfest with a group of university crew who assisted there every year.

On the last night of the festival we usually got invited backstage of the main stage to help drink the leftover riders.

That year I was sporting a broken wrist and I bumped into Alice Cooper at the backstage portacabin type urinals. He commented on my cast and asked how I got it, as one of his roadies had a similar injury.

We chatted for a bit longer outside the toilets before we got on with our evenings. Thoroughly nice bloke – a lot more down to earth than some of the acts a fraction as famous.

Steve from Pennsylvania, however, illustrates the downside of a lavatorial encounter with a musical icon:

A number of years ago, I went to see one of my favorite bands, Nothington, at a local, rather run-down bar. I figured I’d go to the bathroom a few before the band came on, and barged right in.

Unfortunately, it was a one-person toilet facility. There in all of his glory, was the leader singer going No. 2, on full display. I apologized, and made a quick exit. However, I could not fully enjoy the show, as I could only picture the singer during the show sitting on the toilet.

And now a celebripiddle with a touch of Hollywood glamour, from Jason:

At the Jefferson Hotel in Richmond VA sometime in late 2000, I went the the bathroom and found myself taking a whizz with Anthony Hopkins. He was in town filming Hannibal with Julianne Moore, who I sadly did not meet in the bathroom, or anywhere else.

I saw him later in the restaurant of the same hotel but did not speak to him either time as I assume he must get sick of being recognized all the time.

However a friend of mine did get to speak to him as the Jefferson had a deal with the YMCA across the street that allowed guests to use the gym there. After his work out Hopkins left and my friend noticed he was still carrying the Y towel he had been given. Anyway my friend who was working the front desk at the Y let him leave and walk halfway down the block just so he could run after him and point out his mistake. He was very gracious and apologetic.

And finally, a Dame Jud-wee from Ellie from Glasgow:

During a short stop on a long drive from glasgow to the north of Scotland I peed in a public toilet next to Dame Judi Dench. I was not aware it was her until we both went to the sink and I looked in the mirror to fix my hair and saw her. I just smiled, walked out and told my mum waiting outside who proceeded to shout at the top of her lungs “OMG really!” then shouted across the car park to my dad that I had a pee next to Judi Dench!

Rules of celebripiss etiquette: play it cool. That includes you, MUM.

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Birmingham, city of dreams

October 29, 2013

Bham-City-Centre

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT276 •••

In AMT277 we asked you to supply your favourite underwhelming Birmingham facts. Nick sent us this droll story about how Birmingham, Alabama inadvertently used their skyline, while Michael wrote in from under that very skyline:

I’m currently unlucky enough to live in Birmingham, and have lived here all my life. I don’t know where the people you’ve spoken to have been in Birmingham, but I can honestly say the place is a complete dump. Anyway, that’s my opinion!

I have four facts about Birmingham. All of them are as useless as the next.

1) Birmingham has the largest City Council in Europe. Fact. (This isn’t a good thing, see fact 3.)

2) Birmingham has the longest single bus route in Europe. The Number 11 Bus route is something like 26 miles long. I don’t know exactly, and I don’t have time to Google it.

3) In Birmingham no buildings compliment each other. Take the new Central Library, it’s a complete eyesore. It’s also very different to the rep theatre next door to it, and different again to many of the buildings on Broad Street and the surrounding areas. This is due to the size of the council and their planning department, so it’s often the case building plans are not dealt with by the same people, so a consistent design isn’t kept to.

4) The old Central Library in Birmingham, that the new one replaced, has had many people try to save it from demolition. For a time, the City Council refused point blank every request, until they were asked. It turns out that the whole place is subsiding. And when you see the size and complexity of the building, it’s apparent that it’d cost a shed load of money to save.

I do have, however, one interesting fact about Birmingham:

1) Cillian Murphy, the main protaganist of Peaky Blinders, worked behind the bar of The Garrison
pub during Birmingham City home games to learn the Birmingham accent.

The gauntlet has been thrown down, readers. Do you have an underwhelming fact about Birmingham, or your own home town, that can beat a Peaky Blinders location research fact?

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portrait-hater unmasked

October 23, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT275 •••

AMTfans, it’s very important that you understand the consequences of asking us a question. By emailing or voicemailing your question, you are giving us permission to use it in a public form. And we are NOT responsible for the consequences in your own private life.

And lo, following the question of yucky child portraits in AMT275, we received the following email from Jenny:

Instead of just letting your wife’s godmother paint a portrait of your children and hanging it in the spare room, it turns out the correct way to handle the situation is to submit a question to the favourite podcast of your wife’s eldest niece, of whom a portrait has already been painted, under the name of ‘Dave’, and then the said niece accidentally blurts out the entire thing to her favourite auntie…

Oops, sorry uncle Dunstan :/

Ruh roh! If it’s any comfort, Daveunstan, now that your secret is out, you probably won’t have to worry about your godmother-in-law bothering to paint your children any more.

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Pumpkin spice and all things nice – that’s not what lattes should be made of

October 23, 2013

pumpkin-spice-latte-sign-785463

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT275 •••

In response to last week’s contemplation of pumpkin spice lattes, Richard sent in this informative history of the concoction, in case you were curious.

Elise has sent something stronger – a cupful of piping hot rage:

Really Olly? Americans are children because we like pumpkin spice lattes? That’s an ironic statement coming from the man who’s so infantilized that he regularly goes to Disney World and will happily tell people that he went to a character breakfast with Mickey. On purpose!

A man who is probably trying to convince his fiance that a Disney wedding would be romantic. A man so infantilized that when the store keeper told him how to take care of his furniture purchase he was appalled that he might have to do some work and take care of his toys.

You’re the child, Olly. Grow up.

Why would Olly grow up, Elise? The life you’ve described sounds amazing! Unlike a cup of coffee flavoured with gourd.

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the willy maze

October 23, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT275 •••

Hey fellas! Rebecca from Oxford wants to get into your pants. Sort of. She has emailed in about what she terms ‘the willy maze’:

I noted a few weeks back a chap asked what the point of those spare buttons on shirts was.

I understand their purpose, and am grateful for their existence.

However, I do not understand the purpose of the little peep flaps on boxer shorts (and any other male underwear), and their little buttons.

I have asked my male friends, they say “No! We do not use them, we do not need them.”

As a nurse I find them rather handy for threading a catheter through, but the average male does not have a catheter. I can manage lady catheters without them.

So, answer me this: do you make full use of all the boxer short features, or do you like me agree it could be done away with, thus saving the fashion industry millions?

Gentlemen, offer your opinion:

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don’t eat the crayons

October 22, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT275 •••

Mira has written in to warn against the crayon diet of AMT275:

While most people consider crayons non-toxic it is important to note that the paraffin is most likely made from petroleum (although it could also be made from coal extract) and the colors are pigment powders probably also made from petrochemicals.

A study from the University of Southhampton, published in The Lancet, showed a clear correlation between increased hyperactivity and ingestion of artificial colours. There are now some studies which are looking into the possibility of a link between petroleum products and carcinogenic effect.

So eating crayons is probably not as harmless as most people think it is.

Useful to know, Mira; and readers, remember: enjoy crayons responsibly.

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