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Cups! Cups! Cups!

May 21, 2014

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We’ve had a huge response to AMT289, and nearly all of it concerns cups! Firstly, many of you got in touch, from places as diverse as Wales, the South of France and Windsor to inform us that there ARE proper china cups in Pret a Manger. So file Pret cups under ‘Things we didn’t believe in because we haven’t seen them with our own eyes’, along with the dark side of the moon, Argentina and Emmerdale.

Pret cups: photographic evidence

Pret cups: photographic evidence

Numerous correspondents were also moved to write in regarding red Solo cups, those essential vessels of America. Although still nobody provided an answer for why they are almost always red (with occasional forays into blue). WHY ARE THEY RED, AMERICA, WHY???

Anyway, while we wait for the White House to supply that important information, here are some additional Solo cup facts. Kyle from West Lafayette, Indiana is a red Solo cup expert, because:

I am currently a member of a fraternity, and we use red Solo cups for multiple reasons:

-They are extremely cheap and can be found anywhere in the United States.
-For absolutely no charge, some marketing companies will provide us with red Solo cups with movie logos printed on them. All we have to do is take pictures of people partying with the cups, and the company keeps sending more.
-Standardized cups make drinking games like beer pong and flip cup easier because the players have had a lot of practice on them before.
-Each solo cup has indentations marking the size of one shot, one glass of wine, and, at the very top, one glass of beer.

Elaborating upon the last point, Eric from New Jersey writes:

The ubiquitous American red Solo cup is interesting because the lines on the cup are markers for different servings of alcohol. The bottom line is a shot of liquor (1 ounce), the middle line is a glass of wine (5 ounces) and the top line is a glass of beer (12 ounces). The company that makes Solo cups has said these lines are unintentional but accurate. This makes it very easy to serve people in a party setting. So, answer me this: do the knock-off brands in the UK also have these volumetrically accurate markings?

Having bought some for a picnic the other day, I can confirm that indeed they do, Eric. Though divided by an ocean, our nations are not so different.

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brownie law

May 19, 2014

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The last time I had to think of brownie law, I was aged seven and being sworn into my school troop. But following AMT289, Conal has supplied an update:

I’m afraid that your listener who considered taking an unopened brownie from Pret would have committed theft by finding if they had taken it.

However, they may have had an excuse to avoid getting arrested (not in the real world would they ever be arrested!) if they had made reasonable steps to return the Brownie to the rightful owner.

British law uses the word “reasonable” quite a lot, so you’d just have to show that you looked around a bit and maybe asked staff if they had seen the person leave.

Well, Tori has been back in touch to tell us what did happen:

I DID take the brownie.

I waited a full 15 minutes before moving the tray it was on onto my table, putting my my rubbish on the tray, then sneakily used the brownie to mark a page in my book, then slipped the book into my bag after a minute.

I hate to see food wasted – it definitely would have gone in the bin since it was under loads of other wrappers. Pret brownies are too good to waste.

It may not be the sort of ‘reasonable’ that stands up in court, but it does seem reasonable. Is Paul from Wimbledon similarly reasonable, though? He writes:

I was in a London wine bar with a friend, enjoying some wine. A couple at the next table were doing the same but also had a platter of cheese. They left, and about 45 minutes later we noticed that they had left most of their tasty cheese platter. We decided this was fair game and tucked in, polishing the whole lot off. They’d also left half a bottle of wine so we snaffled that as well.

You’ll never guess who then came back? That’s right – the rightful owners of the cheese and wine. My friend grasped the initiative and decided we should leave (after all, we didn’t have any wine or cheese left – which was ours). I quickly paid the bill and we legged it.

Do you think what we did was ok? Surely after 45 minutes you forfeit the right to said cheese and wine?

It certainly seems optimistic to think that you can ditch it for that amount of time, because surely a member of staff would clear it away and give the table to someone else. In fact, if you’re in an establishment where they leave the tables festering for so long, do you really want to eat the cheese? OK, further question: if you eat someone else’s abandoned food and then suffer from food-poisoning, can you complain to the premises where you ‘reasonably’ stole it? Wannabe freegans, you need to brush up on the law before you get started.

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Giles Gilbert NOT

May 7, 2014
Up yours, other Gilbert Scott!

Up yours, other Gilbert Scott!

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Retro Feedback Time is here again! Nick in Hampstead writes:

I am a recent convert to your podcast, and have been steadily been working through your back catalogue on iTunes. Everything was all fine and dandy and adequately amusing until I reached episode 222 and your discussion of Battersea Power Station when I was SHOCKED by an inaccuracy.

You bring up that it was designed by Sir Giles Gilbert Scott, and mention that he is commemorated in the restaurant of the St Pancras Hotel. Well, apologies for this, but that is WRONG WRONG WRONG. The Gilbert Scott Restaurant is named not after Giles Gilbert Scott, but his grandfather, Sir George Gilbert Scott, also, confusingly, an architect. The elder Gilbert Scott was the one who originally designed the St Pancras Hotel, along with the Foreign Office and The Albert Memorial to name a few others.

I realise there this is hardly an earth-shattering update, but I felt it was worth noting.

Duly noted, Nick. We will travel back in time to July 2012 to slap our wrists, and also to place a lot of bets on the outcome of the London 2012 Olympics.

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no.1 in a threesome

May 7, 2014

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We do enjoy the glimpse into private lives that so many AMT listeners willingly supply; here Anonymous from DC writes:

In AMT288, you mentioned that you felt like you lose all your power in the sexual relationship if you’re the third in a couple’s threesome.

I would like to say from experience that this is NOT the case, and that actually the third often is the most powerful player in the proceedings. As the third, I’m the exotic new addition to the state of affairs, so I get to call the shots.

Maybe it’s different because I’m gay, though, and both other members are attracted to me, whereas if you’re a guy in a MMF threesome with another guy, the focus is still on the girl.

Anyway, that’s my unsolicited confession from my sex life! I’m sure you live for emails like these.

We certainly do, Anonymous; in fact any readers are entirely so welcome to share their own Penthouse Forums musings about their sense of status in multiplayer sexytimes.

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protect the pedant

April 23, 2014

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Following Joe’s complaint about his slapdash-talking wife in AMT287, let’s tackle this question from Joan from Fremantle:

I have a friend who is a self-proclaimed ‘grammar Nazi’.

Having completed a general arts degree at a parochial university in the 1970s she considers herself to be an expert in correct English syntax, diction and style and takes great satisfaction in pointing out and correcting other people’s mistakes.

I know her well and over our long friendship have come to understand that she is quite sensitive about being judged by others, having struggled over the years with feelings of general inadequacy. I think her censoriousness about grammar reflects that this is one area where she clearly feels confident and empowered, and can judge people instead of feeling judged. For this reason, although I am more qualified and experienced in this area than she is – as a professional editor who has done post-graduate study in linguistics including descriptive as well as traditional grammar, philology and the history of the English language – I have always kept my mouth shut when she strays onto shaky ground, as prescriptive grammarians often do.

For 30 years I have even refrained from correcting a bad habit she has, which is to refer to her husband and herself as “James and I”, even when they are the object of the sentence. For example, she will say, “The film didn’t appeal to James and I”, or “They gave James and I this advice…” and once even signed a card to us “With love from James and I”.

Here’s the problem: as a Facebook user she has started frequently posting humorous instances of grammatical errors using such networks as ‘Grammarly’, sometimes several times a day. I am starting to worry that someone else is going to point her own imperfect command of grammar out to her, possibly publicly, and definitely very hurtfully.

Answer me this: now that she is so publicly proclaiming her grammatical supremacy, is it time for me to come clean to my friend about her overuse of the nominative case when referring to her and her husband? How can I tactfully point this solecism out now, after all these years of putting up with it? Or should I just continue to ignore it (hoping that no one else will be so unkind as to shatter her self-image) and let pronouns be pronouns?

This is actually a rather sweet motive for picking up someone’s linguistic solecisms. Joan herself can clearly tolerate the solecism, having not mentioned it for thirty years.

She may be worrying unduly about other people correcting her friend, because this particular pronoun problem is so common that even teacher extraordinaire Susan Kennedy falls prey to it.

But here’s an idea, Joan: since I sound off about this very issue in AMT287, play the episode to your friend! Pretend you really want her to hear one of the other questions in the show – perhaps she has an interest in human statues? – and hope she absorbs the information.

If she does not, manufacture a conversation in which you cast yourself as the pronoun-messing fool. “Gosh, friend, I found out something the other day – did you know the pronoun formulation is supposed to be ‘Joan and ME‘ in all non-nominative uses? I’ve been using it wrongly all these years, and now I feel like such a tit!”

Readers, if you have any superior suggestions for tactful grammatical corrections, please go to the comments to share them with Joan and I me.

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Hello Kitty

April 21, 2014

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lady-gaga-hello-kitty-shoot-03-570x7241

We may be immune to the charms of Helly Kitty, but the rest of the world certainly is not. Luke in Fife says:

After listening to last week’s podcast, I was reminded of a holiday to Japan I went on when I was younger with my family in which we visited Hello Kitty Land! Knowing Olly’s love of Disneyland, I thought this might be of great interest.

Hello Kitty Land consisted of rollercoasters/rides and live performances. I distinctly remember a horrifying dance routine featuring a group of rabbits with cups on their heads. It turns out they are actually meant to be marshmallow bunnies named after different kinds of hot drinks, so there is cappuccino, hot chocolate etc.

There is also an evil and gothic counterpart of Hello Kitty who wears a black leather mask. Scary!

A Hello Kitty dominatrix character? Seems…off-piste?

Katie also informed us:

You can buy Hello Kitty champagne and wine in my local off-licence. No jokes. I live in Hong Kong. Hello Kitty is a BIG DEAL.

Poor Miffy. Whither Miffy Land? The Miffy Booze? The Miffy sex toys? Oh Miffy, it sucks to arrive before your time and be usurped by that dead-eyed creature.

Kitty gets a theme park, Miffy just gets sodding MATHS. So unfair.

Kitty gets a theme park, Miffy just gets sodding MATHS. So unfair.

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toast vs tonsillectomy

April 16, 2014

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Toast our saviour

Toast our saviour

More retro feedback, harking all the way back to AMTs 180 and 181! This is from B in The Hague, Netherlands:

In two of your previous episodes, you answered a question about whether rough foods (e.g. chips, toast) are okay to be eaten after tonsillectomy or not. In a second episode, somebody emailed to say rough foods actually help in cleaning up the buildup at the back of the throat after the operation.

And because you guys are my main source of medical advice, I decided to eat a piece of toast three days after the operation. And guess what…it did help in cleaning up the wound! This resulted in my mouth smelling less of 10 dead rats – it is now a very tolerable 1 dead rat.

I am now on my fifth day post op and I eat one piece of toast in the morning and anothee one before I brush my teeth in the evening.

Toast, it’s a miracle cure! Buy official AMT toast, PROVEN to be medically effective, only £20 a slice!

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Statu[e]s Symbol

April 14, 2014

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Simon from Clitheroe, Lancashire writes:

Further to last week’s bit about street performance statues, last year my girlfriend and I were in Budapest. We noticed a very good statue that was earning lots of money. After quite a long time of not moving at all we saw a guy arrive and collect the money, this was when we realised that the “human” statue was just a grey painted mannequin!

That’s even worse than the statues who aren’t doing anything beyond wearing a crappy mask or a funny hat! OUTRAGEOUS and IMMORAL. Unless it’s all an art piece. You can get away with a lot of shitty behaviour if you pretend it’s an art piece…

OK guys, since we’re on the subject, let’s workshop my human statues sitcom idea . I suggested a working title of Statues at Liberty; Olly opted for Standing Still. James has raised the bar:

I think Statue-Tory could be a success. Following an ageing Etonian Tory cabinet minister recently removed from office.

Or, along those lines, StatueTORI: cash-strapped Tori Spelling has to resort to working as a human statue to keep her family together. This is more a reality TV show and book than a sitcom, I’ll admit.

OK, how about: Statu[e]s Quo! Human statues by day, Status Quo tribute band by night! And in life they’re struggling to cling onto their current situation, running fast just to stand still.

Or: On a Pedestal. An adorably ingenuous young man/woman is crazy for human statues and thinks they’re the greatest thing ever – but upon spending time with the people behind the facepaint, he/she is forced to learn a few hard truths, and reconcile themself to the fact that nobody is perfect. Not even a human statue. Especially not a human statue.

Alternatively: Freeze!. Human statues are caught up in a stick-up, and a crime caper ensues as the statues have to prove their innocence and track down the real culprits, all without moving a muscle.

Any more for any more? COMMENTS. GO. Together let’s nail this pitch.

One thing’s for certain, whichever option gets made: the outro music would be ‘I’m Still Standing’.

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smell my finger

April 10, 2014

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In AMT286, Ben from Northumberland complained of the assault upon his nostrils from his grandmother’s strong perfume. Chris from Hook writes:

A friend of mine used to work with a charity and in doing so she used to meet a lot of people who did not smell particularly good. She used to manage not to gag most of the time by dipping her finger into her perfume before meeting them. She’d let it dry, then she’d have a very strongly scented finger. She’d sit there talking to them, and when she needed to, she’d rub her nose or sit with her finger under her nose, and it worked like a charm.

That’s fighting fire with fire – perfume might not drown out perfume but intensify it into a super-perfume, like the MRSA of scents. Perhaps Ben should counter with quite a different sort of smell, like Roquefort or mackerel. It’s a risk, though, and also people might wonder why Ben permanently has his finger beneath his nose, as if he’s covering up a Hitler moustache someone drew on him with permanent marker while he was passed out drunk.

So perhaps Ben should try Kyle from London‘s advice:

I used to work for an organisation which served a sometimes distinctly pungent clientele. We used to dab a bit of Vaseline (or in extreme cases Vicks) under each nostril which apparently catches some of the smell particles. Always worked for me!

Smart! Now all Ben needs to worry about is whether his suspiciously glistening upper lip will make his grandmother whip out a hanky and give his nose a vigorous wipe.

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AMT: the soundtrack to your sexy pleasure

March 26, 2014

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No need for this stuff with a dose of AMT

No need for this stuff with a dose of AMT

If you already were feeling a little queasy after the last post, this email from Hyder might push you over the edge:

I find myself in an odd conundrum.

I started listening to the podcast a few months ago when in my monthly scavenging of the internet for all things Zaltzman (I want to marry Andy*), I came across you guys and the rest was history.

The thing is that I listen to the podcast starting from the back episodes every night sleeping in the same bed as my girlfriend. Since she is very hot, we end up fucking almost every night and in the excitement, always fail to turn off the podcast.

It has therefore become the soundtrack to our love in a way that it induces Pavlovian responses every time I hear it in the day even which can result in fairly disconcerting scenarios.

Oh good grief. Usually we only hear what a boner-killer AMT is.

Couldn’t you just STOP listening to the show at bedtime? Listen to it at safely non-sexy times, such as in the waiting room at the verruca-burning clinic, or in a queue at a market stall to buy cut-price offal that’s been out all day.

(If you are somebody who actually finds those situations sexy, then you are too priapic to function in this world. But maybe you could get a job as a condom-tester, allowing you to hump all day in lab conditions.)

*Too late, ladies and gents: Andy is already married. Console yourselves with the knowledge that he’d never love you as much as he loves cricket.

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puke on toast

March 25, 2014
A page from an actual recipe book I own. Frankly this is one of the least unappetising recipes.

A page from an actual recipe book I own. Frankly this is one of the least unappetising recipes.

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Are we going to have to insert Jackass-style warnings into each episode of AMT, insisting that no one attempt to recreate of re-enact any stunt or activity performed on this show? Because we would NEVER have recommended anyone do what Richard in Finsbury Park did:

In AMT last week you talked about Snaffles Mousse, the 70s dish made from canned consommé, Philadelphia and curry powder.

I was morbidly fascinated by the suggested combination and had to make a batch. When it had set, my boyfriend and I had some on toast. It was without doubt the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. On every level. I can still taste its foulness now.

Answer me this: what is the  most revolting dish you have ever cooked up?

It was by accident, but I made paella with frozen elderflower cordial instead of chicken stock. In fact, because even that mouth-trauma did not teach me to label the contents of my freezer, it happened TWICE. Mark me, it is one of the very few circumstances in which elderflower cordial is NOT more palatable than chicken stock.

Readers, tell us in the comments about your own culinary horrorshows. Maybe then Richard in Finsbury Park will try them out, since he appears to have declared war upon his palate.

And as a fun game between courses, speculate upon the ingredients of this recipe, which I found in a cookbook yesterday:

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underneath your clothes, there’s a pantsy story

March 13, 2014

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Another Anonymous Man has been in touch regarding Anonymous Man’s question in AMT284:

Great to hear a question about men wearing knickers – I love them myself, but my wife wouldn’t like it so very few people know.

I do wear thongs designed for men, but they just aren’t as slinky as ones designed for women. As you said, you need to be careful with the choice of design – so there’s enough room at the front!

Is it wrong to wear them when I go to the Doctors or Osteopath (both female)? – I expect they’ve seen everything before, but it is “fun”.

Unlike you, my instinct when dressing for medical inspections is to choose underwear with as much coverage as possible. I opt for a full set of Mormon undergarments with another full set of Mormon undergarments beneath, just to be safe.

But I’d hate to ruin your fun, so I can’t tell you your practice is wrong. But it does place you in the same sartorial school as Peter Stringfellow – click here for photographic evidence that is probably NSFW and definitely NSFLife.

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