Last week we posted about a problem sent in by Megan from North Walsham, and you kindly helped out with some advice. Now Megan has written back with the latest on George and his foolhardy boss-boffing:
Just to clarify, George isn’t a prostitute, he was just utilising his boss’s stupidity in giving him lots of pretty presents.
I advised George to follow the line from Josh about STDs, but since I wrote in, the whole situation appears to have rectified itself.
George went to meet up with his boss for a dirty weekend away, but decided that (seeing as he had his boss’s credit card with him) he should withdraw as much money as he could and spend it on booze on the train down there. Eventually turning up to the rendezvous very pissed on overpriced train alcohol, he regained his moral compass and tried to let his boss down gently. As he didn’t get the hint straight away, George then confessed that he’d been using him for presents and his job all along, quit his job and staggered away with his head held high.
Now he’s unemployed, bereft of future presents, but his conscience is clear.
George, congratulations for putting your concubine days in the past. Now does anyone know of any jobs going in the greater North Walsham area?
The general election hasn’t even been called yet, and we’re already a bit bored of our tellies and radios yakking on about it! If you are too, rest assured that any mention of politics in Answer Me This! Episode 128 is purely incidental:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On the agenda this week:
more dysfunctional chair-throwing
Her Majesty’s hidden talents
targeting aids
dildonics Kirsty’s Home Videos
melon ballers
Ryan Parry Countdown
Pheidippides
olive forks
draught-exclusion
caves
and
our self-esteems being variously bolstered and broken by the results of last week’s poll.
Plus: Olly sheds light on the Chilcot Inquiry; Helen studies at the Kristen Stewart School of Performing Arts; and Martin the Sound Man perhaps says too much about marginal-interest gentlemen’s mags. Also, if you, like most of us, doubt that anything good can come out of a high school production of Grease, we must direct you to AMT jingle stalwart Gavin Osborn’s song ‘Charlie’s 18th Birthday‘. Heck, listen to it even if you have no beef with Grease.
It merely remains for us to remind you to send us YOUR QUESTIONS, so please do so by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. Go on, make us (even more) happy!
Turn your minds, please, to this question from Megan in North Walsham:
Is shagging your boss right or wrong?!? My best friend (let’s call him George) is fucking his male MARRIED TO A WOMAN boss. George freely admits that he’s a gold-digger and using his boss for his money. Should I tell him to stop shagging his boss and potentially lose him his job, or ignore it and let him keep raking in the money?? I love George to bits, and don’t particularly want to see him hurt or unemployed. He’s asking me what he should do, and I don’t know what to tell him. Please help!
Ideally, Megan, you could turn back time and make George not fuck his boss in the first place, because each of the realistic denouements in the above scenario will likely result in ‘George’ eventually being sacked. Perhaps we are being prudish, but in our (dirty) book, sexing people a) in a position of authority over you b) who are married c) for money is NOT a good idea.
Furthermore, we anticipate that the longer he carries on this foolish affair, the worse the fallout will be; so he should stop as soon as the employment market is looking a bit more buoyant.
But readers, what do YOU think? Head to the comments to advise Megan how to instill in George the moral compass which he appears to lack.
We’ve just heard back from last week’s rhyme-baffled Alice from London:
I would firstly like to apologise for the question about rhymes (it was a drunk call, alcohol it seems is really killing my brain).
Don’t worry about it, Alice – Episode 127 was none the shabbier for it. Please carry on:
I have a question about cakes!
Me and my flatmates are planning to have a “cake-off” with an independent source judging which cake reigns supreme. I have a feeling that my other two flatmates will go down the chocolate/Victoria sponge route, so Answer Me This – what cake will make me win?? I’m willing to take up any challenge.
Although we do all feel very strongly about cakes – especially chocolate cakes – we worry that the responsibility is far too great for us. So readers, please head for the comments and tell Alice what sort of cake to bake! Meanwhile Alice can take inspiration from here, and heed the warnings here.
Following on from Episode 127, let’s enjoy some horrible scenes from books! Many of you have left a marvellous selection yon, and here are a few more:
Shannon: Allow me to add to your collection of scenes in literature that make one doubt man’s humanity:
1. Trimalchio’s feast in The Satyricon by Petronius: Who doesn’t love an excrement fight with their gang rape? And the dis-memberable poetry reading in the last chapters is inspired.
2. Blindness by José Saramago: More gang rape and excrement, topped off with a scene in which a man is brutally stabbed through the neck while engaged in an act that leaves an unusual mixed aftermath on his partner’s face.
Kate from Corfe Mullen: The most gruesome scene from a book that I have ever read was from David Mitchell’s Number9dream. Part of the book was set in the criminal underworld in Japan and a torture method was to place people in a cavity at the end of a ten pin bowling alley so that their heads were sticking out. The gang members would then bowl ten pin bowling balls at them.
Peter from Chicago: The most terrifying thing I ever read was a work of non-fiction by William Bradford Huie, Three Lives for Mississippi. The book tells the story of the murder of three civil-rights workers in Mississippi during “Freedom Summer” of 1964. Huie begins the book by re-telling the story of what happened in Birmingham, Alabama in 1957. Six men from a local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan gathered to decide who deserved a promotion to a higher rank within the group. One of them wanted the promotion, and to prove he deserved it, he was willing to get “blood on his hands.” They kidnapped a local Negro man, castrate him, and dumped him by the side of road.
The first time I read that section my knees slammed together and I kept my legs pressed together for almost ten minutes.
Thank god for a little palate cleanser from Colin from Newton Aycliffe, County Durham:
The song that was number one on the day I was born was Elvis Presley’s ‘Are you lonesome tonight’, which I think is quite ironic for a twice-divorced Singleton.
Just be glad your birthsong was not ‘Psycho Killer’ then, Colin.
We know you’re probably still watching the new Lady Gaga video that you clicked on last Friday, but when you need a break from [SPOILERS!] all the killing, the Kill Bill Pussy Wagon, and Beyonce’s impassive acting [/spoilers], then Answer Me This! Episode 127 is right here waiting for youuuuuu:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On this week’s agenda:
Charles Fey San Francisco special bread
McDonald’s apple pies
steak on a stake Apt Pupil
malaria
killer whales
Steve Coogan vs. Rednex
Snoop Dogg vs. the UK
gambling machines vs. Canadian homosexuality cures
and American Psycho.
Furthermore, Olly angers Jesus by using his Gideon’s Bible for nefarious purposes; Helen ponders the fugitive crayfish of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man can get you a nice Geiger counter if you slip him £50, no questions asked. Oh, you’ve already got one? Say no more. Plus, we solve the total non-mystery of what happened to former AMT flatmate Matthew Crosby, for the 0.001% of you who are curious.
As always, we enjoy it ever so much when you ask us QUESTIONS, so please do so by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. In addition, if you have an opinion on what is the world’s grimmest book scene, express it in the comments – but please, keep any descriptions euphemistic, for we and many of our readers are of delicate constitutions. Also we already get more than enough Weird Googlers as it is.
My girlfriend and I have been going out for a good while now, and it looks like it’s getting thoroughly serious.
We talked a little about the future one time, and since then, I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my head.
So, High/Secondary school romances, can they actually work after school is over?
Well. Judging by our various friends (because of course, we only keep up our various acquaintances to use them as specimens in our studies of human behaviour), yes, they can: many of our contemporary school couples are still going strong a decade and a half later. In other cases, however, circumstance/the inexorable march of time/inconvenient geography/Growing Apart/other people/boredom intervened; but frankly, all parties were probably better off as a result.
Just as you might no longer adore Ivor the Engine quite as much as you did when you were six, what you want from a relationship is likely to be quite different when you’re forty than when you’re fourteen. So the best scheme is really just to enjoy what you have right now and see how it pans out, because you will get to spend more than enough of the rest of your life worrying about the future. There’s something to look forward to, young man!
But readers, please do recourse to the comments to chip in with your opinions as to what Bob in Lincoln should do, or if you would like to satisfy our nosiness by spilling the beans about your own school romances. Lest you care, our own experiences of such went thus: Olly is now shacked up with the lucky lady whom he first dated when they were at school, although she did get a few years’ respite in between; Helen jettisoned her long-term boyfriend a week before going to university, which proved to be a thoroughly good idea; and Martin the Sound Man never even saw a girl till he was nearly twenty.
We should have guessed this question would come up one day. And we question the wisdom of submitting it to the public forum that is You. If this produces unwholesome rifts within Team AMT, we can all blame Josh from Arkansas, who emailed the following:
Dear Helen and Olly,
This isn’t a question for you. This is for your listeners.
To the query of Answer Me This listeners,
Marry, Boff, Kill: Helen, Olly, or Martin the Sound Man?
Travel back mentally to last week’s episode, and thank your lucky stars that doctors now print out prescriptions; Sara from California explains why:
In your last episode you talked about doctors’ handwriting and how bad it is. I know that they’re in a hurry, but they should make sure to write clearly because my grandmother nearly died as a result of a doctor’s handwriting. She had tuberculosis and the pharmacist misread the prescription and she was given ten times the correct dose of her antibiotics.
Back yet one more week, to Lauren of the boss with the secret campaign to fire her, for whom Darren offers some advice:
Im currently studying for an MA in human resources management. If Lauren has more than a year’s service for the company then she has some rights over dismissal and would be entitled to a chance to improve. I would imagine putting her in a situation like they have with the email would constitute a form of constructive dismissal.
Without knowing more about her circumstances, I couldn’t say for sure; but if you could let her know that she may have some protection then I feel I will have done my civic duty.
Consider said civic duty done, Darren; although by now, Lauren’s stay of execution has probably elapsed and she’s either pulled her socks up or been consigned to watching daytime TV in her jimjams until the job market improves. Let’s hope that, whatever happens, she ends up as happy in her employ as the enigmatically-named C from the USA:
I absolutely love my job! It’s the best! I earn less than I could so I can do what I do.
Writing opinions for an administrative adjudicator in a government agency in one of the United States sounds dull, but I’m part of the “they” everyone dreads and fears. But I have a conscience, empathy and a brilliant legal mind.
My job is a cross between Mr. Spock and Santa Claus. I parse through legal jargon and chicanery, and in most cases, I hand out bags of money! And unlike criminal defense, I don’t hurt anyone. I LOVE MY JOB!
Hooray! Anyone else love their jobs? Tell us in the comments!
Prepare for the scoop of the century, listeners! For inAnswer Me This! Episode 126, we reveal what Bill Murray whispered in Scarlett Johansson’s ear at the end of Lost In Translation that Elvis and Lord Lucan have actually been living together quietly in the ‘burbs all these years, and riding Shergar to the shops the secret to non-collapsing souffles how old we are.
Yes.
Yes!
Brace yourselves:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
But since we suspect that virtually none of you care about that (unless you work for the Young Person’s Railcard Fraud Squad), we’ve also included:
Fry’s Turkish Delight
body language ‘experts’
the goddess Athene ‘Babe’ by Take That
Legoland Windsor
‘The Gift’ by the Velvet Underground vs. Flat Stanley
Richard Burton vs. chuck-out songs
the Post Office
and
Mr Blobby.
Plus: Olly reveals that if you ever need to get rid of him, just play ‘Hip To Be Square’; Helen uses buttons to prove the veracity of her answers; and Martin the Sound Man tells the 1950s to Eff Off. Next week: sticking it to the 1700s!
Lest that is not enough to fill a whole episode, please be so kind as to pose YOUR QUESTIONS, via email – answermethispodcast@googlemail.com – or voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. If you still have kindness to spare, leave your tips for Tom from Windsor to get rid of barflies in the comments; and augment and enjoy last week’s list of AMT listeners’ birth songs.
Here’s a blow, following Episode 125. It has been delivered by Daniel from Borehamwood:
Sorry Olly – Bootleg is already a brand. It’s Clarks shoes’ teenagers’-shoes-section.
Dammit dammit dammit! Olly’s pun-based shoe-shop will have to remain buy a dream. FOR NOW.
Eeva from Turku, Finland
In episode 125 you claimed that you had not previously talked about your secret zionist names. You have. Since episode 60 anyway. I would point out the episode, but having just listened all available Answer Me This! episodes in 42 hours, I snapped my happy muscle. From over-exhaustion. Or just OD’d.
These events now lead me to ask; How are you going to make up this horrendous oversight to dedicated podcast listeners? Our (My) delicate feelings cannot bare to see you forget such important piece of banter. We demand answers. How did this happen, and are any of you considering your resignations?
We’ll tell you how it happened: as soon as we say anything on the podcast, it vanishes from our brains, forever. So unless someone volunteers to transcribe and memorise our entire back catalogue, then stand in the AMT studio rapping us on the knuckles whenever we retread an anecdote – and trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT THAT JOB – these repetitions are going to happen. Since we haven’t resigned over our various mistresses, frauds, embezzlements, insider tradings and fake sick-leaves, we’re going to resist the calls to do so over Schloymergate; but when the day comes that more than 60% of an episode of Answer Me This! is composed of Golden Oldies, you can take us down.
Here’s a situation none of us have ever been in, because we’re too boring/unattractive – thanks for rubbing that in, Fraser! He asks:
Recently I’ve been seeing two women who I fancy, one who I really connect with and another with ROCKING TITS!!!
Last weekend I was feeling adventurous and decided to rotate them over the weekend such as one Friday then the other on Saturday and so on. I did this to finally figure out which one I wanted to be with. Well, over the course of dinner on Sunday (with the one I connect with), I accidentally called her by the wrong name. Which led to questions which then led to a very smooth lie which I miraculously pulled out of my ass.
This lie was so well-crafted that now I have to make sure to remember it so that if it ever comes up in the future I don’t screw things for myself. My question is this, have you ever been in a situation where you’ve told a lie that then had to become truth in order to save face?
As we might have some lie-truths still in play, we’re reluctant to declare our deceits in a public forum that our lie-victims might peruse. But fearless readers, are you less chicken than us? Tell us your fibs in the comments!
‘. Heck, listen to it even if you have no beef with Grease.
by Petronius: Who doesn’t love an excrement fight with their gang rape? And the dis-memberable poetry reading in the last chapters is inspired.
by José Saramago: More gang rape and excrement, topped off with a scene in which a man is brutally stabbed through the neck while engaged in an act that leaves an unusual mixed aftermath on his partner’s face.
. Part of the book was set in the criminal underworld in Japan and a torture method was to place people in a cavity at the end of a ten pin bowling alley so that their heads were sticking out. The gang members would then bowl ten pin bowling balls at them.
. The book tells the story of the murder of three civil-rights workers in Mississippi during “Freedom Summer” of 1964. Huie begins the book by re-telling the story of what happened in Birmingham, Alabama in 1957. Six men from a local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan gathered to decide who deserved a promotion to a higher rank within the group. One of them wanted the promotion, and to prove he deserved it, he was willing to get “blood on his hands.” They kidnapped a local Negro man, castrate him, and dumped him by the side of road.
Answer Me This! Podcast 