Because most crackers cost about 6p each to manufacture, I’ll wager. And when you think of how often people who actually know you get you a bad gift, just imagine the odds on a factory in China getting it right.
Does anyone make good crackers with gifts like diamond rings, iPods and other expensive gifts, and if so, how much are the most expensive crackers available?
It seems that the global economic splashdown has killed off the market for £1000 crackers containing a mink hat and a 12-cannon salute instead of a snap; but there are still some ludicrously overpriced options for you to consider, Guy.
Harrods predictably comes at the top of the Expensive charts, with a six-pack for £269, each containing ‘a randomly selected luxury gift’ (ie upmarket versions of the usual boring shit cracker-presents that you don’t want).
Aspinal have a relatively bargainous half-doz for £75, although is a crocodile-skin tape measure really any better than a little plastic puzzle? Only if the accompanying hat is a proper topper.
Then Fortnum’n’Mason steps in with these for a mere £100 – ‘they are sure to please the whole family, young and old,’ they proclaim, having never met a child who was not thrilled by a silver-plated butter scraper.
Selfridges, meanwhile, claim that ‘The ethically minded will adore this box of six environmentally friendly Christmas crackers‘, ignoring the fact that a proper eco-warrior would flinch from spending £50 on such a wasteful product. But I’d be tempted to buy some just in case the promised ‘luxurious eco-friendly gift’ is a handful of live worms.
This somewhat-expensive cracker will probably perk people up more than the average, but if you really want iPods and bling, your best bet is to make them yourself and stuff them full of thousands of pounds-worth of loot. Here’s a tutorial for making them, but I’m not sure a full-sized iPod will actually fit inside a loo roll.
Now, usually you can’t get Dom from Slough to do anything. But one sniff of humanure, and he’s moved to action:
I felt I had to write regarding the humanure section, because although Helen is right to say that it is in use, there are questions over its safety, hence why it’s not more widely used.
Basically, shit is not clean. Sounds obvious I know, but it’s relevant due to the germs that survive in it. Horse manure and pig manure etc are OK, because they contain horse and pig germs. Humanure (or night soil) is more questionable because it contains human germs. So it does need to undergo treatment to ensure safety (to differing degrees in different countries according to local regs), and many people are still unhappy with its use.
Rose George’s book, The Big Necessity , is excellent on this and many other subjects relating to sanitation. If you only read one book about the safe disposal of human waste, I would recommend this one.
Hurry! If you order now, you can get copies of The Big Necessity delivered in time for Christmas. It’s the perfect toilet read*, in a manner of speaking.
Ho ho ho and ho again; here’s a question from Callum in Devon:
Simple Question: Best Christmas Movie?
How can you say that’s a simple question, Callum? It’s far from simple even to pick the ultimate Christmas movie genre – kiddie caper, blubfest, classic black-and-white film, modern farce, something involving Scrooge, etc etc… And what about shorts like The Snowman, or those movies which aren’t about Christmas but are always on at Christmas, and therefore enter the canon of Christmas movies? Movies set at Christmas but not about Christmas (eg Gremlins), do they count? And does ‘best’ mean the film that is Christmassiest, or the one that is artistically superior?
Tshch, the choice is overwhelming me; I must go and lie down. While I do that, readers, go to the comments and tell us which is your favourite festive film.
Are there any professions which still require the person to wear a bowler hat?
I can think of a handful: tap dancers; porters at Christ Church college, Oxford; and saddle seat riders. Any more? Tell us in the comments. NB ‘Shoreditch Twat’ is not a profession.
You recall all that kerfuffle we’ve had over the past few weeks regarding which of the Queen’s speeches is The Queen’s Speech? Olly may have had factual correctness on his side by saying it was her oratory at the State Opening of Parliament, but a public vote supported my assertion that everyone assumes it’s the one she makes at Christmas. Well, here’s some damning new evidence thanks to Mike in London:
I downloaded your first episode of 2010 and began listening to it.
Early into the episode, Olly Mann refers to the Christmas Message as the Queen’s Speech.
Creeeeeak! What’s behind today’s advent calendar door? Is it a lovely picture of a robin? A verse of the nativity story? A little chocolate that tastes of solidified moisturiser? Let’s see……ooh, what a surprise! It is, instead, Answer Me This! Episode 160:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
And what surprises are therein? Well:
Ali Baba
JJB Sports
Princess Mary of Denmark
dead dogs
Halle Berry’s bum
Tina Turner’s legs
Sega Master System
the Thompson Twins
terrifying pores
Facebashing
British Home Stores
naval recruitment ‘The Night Before Christmas’
Rudolf the Red-Nosed Heidi Range-deer scary cartoon Weetabix
an abundance of allen keys The Silver Spoon
and Plopp.
Plus: Olly is cockblocked by a statue of his newborn self; Helen tells you how not to throw like a girl; and Martin the Sound Man tells you how to make your Christmas protracted and boring. Whoopee! Also, don’t forget this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (which is now available on Android, huzzah!), which shows how a bunch of adults can dissolve into childish mirth during an upright discussion about advent calendars as soon as the word ‘flaps’ shows up. Flaps! Snigger.
You can send us QUESTIONS in the form of voicemails on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we’ll stack them under the tree to open at Christmas. BUT! Next Thursday sees the first installment of the annual treat (debatably) that is our Best Of episodes, so if you have a favourite bit of AMT2010, please tell us about it on our Facebook wall or, if you forswear social networking, in the comments right here.
See you next week for the visit of the Ghosts of Podcasts Past,
For those of you who were clamouring to find out when we were going to get an Android app to join our iPhone app in the app canon, the answer is…NOW!
Much like the iPhone app, for $2.99 it brings you all the episodes as well as the ability to send us questions at the touch of a button, AND exclusive bonus content – the Best Of Answer Me This! 2007, 2008 and 2009 (all incredible years, I think you’ll agree), plus a special little extra nugget of fun every week. Click here to download it, if that is your fondest wish.
I work for a Government department, which has to reduce its admin budget spend by some 30%. I love my job and also quite like being paid. But they need to get rid of some of us, and they are choosing which ones by March 2011.
So, answer me this: what’s a good way of making your boss believe you are indispensable and/or fantastic?
Without scaring him.
Obviously, being consistently brilliant at my job over the last 5 years would be a good first step. But imagine I forgot to do that bit.
Wel,l we forgot to make ourselves sufficiently employable to have proper jobs at all recently, but perhaps you readers have managed to hang on to yours. In which case, please share your secrets in the comments.
What says Christmas more than a spot of linguistics? Lots of things. But ignore those, and concentrate on the following question from Nick in Norway:
Do Christians get offended when people write Xmas instead of Christmas?
I can imagine that if I was a massive Jesus fan, I would get a little annoyed if people replaced the name of my no.1 saviour with an X.
Personally, I’d’ve been more offended when Xtina Aguilera appropriated the device. But linguistically-nettled Christians have got a massive back-catalogue about which to be aggrieved, as this abbreviation for Christmas has been in common use since the 16th century. And the ‘X’ shorthand for Christ has been in use way before that, after Emperor Constantine I took a fancy to the ancient Greek chi rho christogram* in an ecclesiastical dream, then made his troops slap it all over their armour to help them win the Battle of the Milvian Bridge in 312AD. Not sure Jesus would have loved that either.
*NB a christogram is not some sort of service where Jesus shows up at your door and sings Happy Birthday to you.
Harry in Kent has written in to shed further light on one of last week’s issues:
You were talking about why do restaurants say something is “86” when it’s gone.
I used to work for TGI Fridays and when I was being taught the lingo and trained (like you need training to serve burger and chips), I was told that there was a story about a man who tried committing suicide, and jumped off of the 86th floor of the Empire State Building which is the observation deck.
There is the second part to this story that if the item comes back in stock then it is 68 because the suicide attempt failed as the guy hit/landed in a window-cleaning dolly on the way down, at the 68th floor and was seriously injured BUT did actually survive.
Make of it what you will considering this is just a TGIs urban myth.
I love the idea that TGI Fridays has its own catalogue of urban myths and linguistic quirks. Anyone know any more? Tell us in the comments. No doubt the unique vocabulary concerning onion rings alone could fill a tome.
Remember a few days ago, when Britain was still capable of having conversations about things that aren’t SNOW? Me neither, but SNOW-free Episode 159 is a throwback to those clement times:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Topics on this week’s crib-sheet include:
SNOW
litigious Times New Roman
Shetland ponies
the Mildenhall treasure Jacob’s Ladder
the Crusades
zebra piss
londonollypics.com
flattering spectacles Kramer vs. Kramer
the BBC vs. Boston Business Computing
laser eye surgery vs. A Clockwork Orange
Las Vegas vs. Trafalgar Square
pet griffins
the Crystal Palace water-towers
the penalty for banging Prince Philip
cybersquatting
Stanmore the Monkfish
the MGM lion
and
Martin the Sound Man’s favourite fountain.
Plus: Olly salves his wounds from losing last week’s Queen’s Speech debate by triumphing in his other specialist subject: Macaulay Culkin’s uncredited early work; tedious stories thwart Helen’s attempts to compose the Zaltzman family tree; and Martin will sort out your myopia for a fiver and a bucket of chicken wings, no questions asked. Also, this week’s Bit of Crap on the App describes an inappropriate use for a lovely dollshouse (clue: it’s not this).
In the event that you too have things to say that aren’t about SNOW – preferably QUESTIONS – then please get in touch by leaving a voicemail on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
If you can make it through the SNOW, then please come along to one of our imminent book readings and signings – there’s one in London this weekend, 3.30pm on Saturday 4th at The Social on Little Portland Street, then there’s another in Brighton, 7.30pm on Wednesday 8th at Waterstone’s Clocktower.
It’s been a terribly cold week, so I do hope Ben from Bedford possesses a good woolly hat:
I am a man of age 23, and my hair is thinning quite a bit around the expected baldy man bald patch area toward the crown, as well as receding at the front.
Luckily I am quite tall, and only ever really get comments (from heartless cunts) when sitting down or being followed down some stairs for example. My dad is a baldy, as are my grandads, so eventual baldness is entirely expected.
So, answer me this: what am I to do? Should I shave my hair immediately and no longer delay my fate? Or should I cling on to some variety of hair style until my head becomes completely follicularly barren?
Answer Me This! Podcast 
