Author Archive
June 30, 2011
Look. We don’t want to point fingers or anything, but if you are the person who rifled through Olly’s desk and stole the gold jacket he bought at the Strictly Come Dancing costume auction, GIVE IT BACK. It may have been years ago now, but as you can hear in Answer Me This! Episode 181, the pain is still all too raw:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week we also contemplate:
stagnant white scabs
fluorotrousers
Rhydian
grievous misuse of the Keith and the Girl book
black pudding
Black Eyed Peas
manuka honey
Henry Holland
aquarium pimp-shoes
Fruit and Fibre
Napoleon-compatible party themes
psychiatric facility reading matter
fish sausages
Baci
bees vs. babies
ice cream vs. ice lollies
globalisation vs. jokes
Seth Rogen vs. Olly Mann
our pitch for Wonderland
and
Elliott Gould.
Also – Olly’s not going to be inviting Mark Ronson on a trip to Topman anytime soon; Helen wonders about the secret life of Russell Brand and Katy Perry; and Martin the Sound Man finds the thing that keeps our conflict-strewn crazy world together: sausages. If only the UN would hurry up and realise.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android) explains how Olly’s youthful ambition to be the next Christopher Pike
was derailed by his innocence. Which is why he’s slumming it at AMT now rather than living in the gothy house that childish horror built.
You can be part of the childish horror that is next week’s episode by sending us your QUESTIONS – leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Of course we will struggle to emulate this childish horror, but it’s good to have goals in life.
See you next Thursday!
Helen & Olly
Tags:1980s, 80s revival, adornments, America Ferrera, Ancient Greek, bees, Big Bang Theory, Black Eyed Peas, black pudding, books, braces, bright colours, Calippo, cemeteries, China, Chinese food, clothes, Corey Feldman, costume parties, costumes, death, Debbie Gibson, dental work, drunk-dialling, drunken mistakes, ear-piercing, earrings, ears, East Anglia, eBay, Eddie Izzard, Elton John, exercise, FAB, famous Jews, fancy dress, fashion, Feast, food, food history, funerals, garments, gay, gay pirates, genitals, globalisation, graves, Grindr, hair products, Hanson, Harry Potter, Henry Holland, history, homosexuality, honey, humour, I Kissed A Girl, ice cream, ice lollies, in-laws, international cuisine, jackets, Jackson 5, Jesse Eisenberg, Jewish, Jewish celebrities, jews, jogging, jokes, jumpsuits, Katy Perry, K€sha, Keith and the Girl, Kenny G, La Roux, Last Friday Night, life after death, lists, Lizzie Roper, lolly sticks, manners, Mark Ronson, marketing gimmicks, Martin the Sound Man's Midlandian roots, Matt Bennett, meaningless sex, meat, medical advice, medicinal honey, men's fashion, Meryl Streep, Meryl Streep is actually not Jewish, Meryl Streep is Jewish, Midlands, mistakes, music, music videos, Napoleon Bonaparte, Nick Hornby, Norfolk, nylon, offal, Olly's dad, orthodontics, pierced ears, piercings, pirates, pop, pop music, Pottermore, quickies, Rebecca Black, respecting the dead, Rhydian, running, Russell Brand, sausages, scalp honey, sequins, servants of Satan, sex, sexy Jews, Sharon Osborne, Shia LaBoeuf, shit music, Simon Helberg, Solero, spangles, Stanley Mann, stapler, Strictly Come Dancing, tattoos, Teletubbies, testicles, throats, toast, tonsillectomy, tonsils, Top 5, trousers, twat style, twats, Ugly Betty, Wales, Walls, Willow Smith, X Factor
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June 29, 2011
** Click here for Episode 180 **
Aww, Team AMT has its own little late-period Howard Hughes! Molly from London writes:
In episode 157, you discussed what one could with spare hair. One of the options given was to send of the a charity that used it for cleaning up oil spills. Having long, thick hair that is prone to shedding, I began to collect it in an old, clean, Nutella jar.
When people I know heard this, they tended to react negatively, and my boyfriend wouldn’t stay over in my room. However, I was righteous, and knew that I could take a little mockery if it meant that the people and animals suffering because of oil spills could be helped in a small way by me.
The jar was getting very full, and starting to become reminiscent of the exhibition I saw at Auschwitz, of all the Jewish hair the Nazis had collected for clothing, so I decided to send it off to the charity. However, when I looked it up, I found that they were no longer collecting hair!
Noooooo! But let’s not allow that lovely jar of hair go to waste. Anyone here want it? Perhaps you’ve got a small oil-spill in the kitchen that needs taking care of; or you’re in need of a witch jar.
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Tags:yuk
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 3 Comments »
June 29, 2011
** Click here for Episode 180 **
This seems an intelligent thesis from Tom from San Francisco:
A couple of episodes back, you discussed why plain nuts are more expensive than salted, dry-roasted or other flavored nuts, even though it seems like they should cost less.
I’m not in the industry, but I do have another theory in addition to the ones you offered: when making salted or seasoned nuts, it’s possible to use lower quality (and thus cheaper) nuts in the process, and the salts and flavours hide the fact that the quality is lower.
Plain nuts, by comparison, need to taste good in order to sell, and they could be using more expensive high-quality nuts for this purpose.
Are any of you readers in the nut industry? Can you confirm Tom’s theory, or reveal the darker secret of the nut pricing disparity? The world deserves to know.
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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 1 Comment »
June 23, 2011
To all our listeners in the Northern Hemisphere: hope you enjoyed the summer solstice! Only 185 sleeps to go until Christmas! Wooooo!
Southern Hemispherical listeners: happy mid-winter’s day! Now roll on summer! Woo woooo!
Equatorial listeners: as you were.
One thing that is the same the world over is Answer Me This! Episode 180:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In it, we speak of such things as:
Gunther from Friends
seaside rock
the Wailing Wall
chocolate mousse
Claridge’s tea
mango lassi
Face/Off
disappointing fudge
hypnotherapy vs. stage hypnosis
British postboxes vs. French postboxes
Lady Godiva vs. Ed Balls
and
wanking in the Ritz.
Plus: Olly is made of stronger stuff than Carrie Bradshaw; Helen was hypnotised for love; and Martin the Sound Man admits to a few awkward moments in his honeymoon. He likes to live life like an Ashton Kutcher film, he does. Accordingly, before any and every decision, Mr Kutcher thinks, “What would Martin the Sound Man Do [WWMTSMD]?” And Demi Moore sighs, and thinks that if only she’d stayed with Bruce Willis, she wouldn’t ever have to talk about sound cards over breakfast.
This week, we’re popping up on a couple of other podcasts: Pappy’s Flatshare Slamdown, the new comedy quiz show from the AMT37 alumni; and Radio 4Xtra’s What’s So Funny?, wherein we talk in a not-so-funny way about podcasting.
Despite flirting with other podcasts, AMT will always be our (audio)boo, so keep the love alive by sending your QUESTIONS – leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com – that we may magically create next week’s episode with them.
Helen & Olly
Tags:007, 1990s, 90s, archaeology, awkward, Bond villains, booze, British film, Chandler, commemorative t-shirts, confectionery, corpses, Courteney Cox, crap presents, cunty friends, dead bodies, death, dirt, Draveil, DVD hacks, DVD players, East Sussex, eating alone, electronics, etiquette, exhumation, films, food, France, French, Friends, Friends reunion, grave-robbery, Helen Baxendale, hospital, Hove, hygiene, hypnosis, hypnotherapy, illegal activities, Israel, James Bond, Jerusalem, Joey, John Travolta, John Woo, knickers, Lady Godiva, laundry, legend, lingerie, Lisa Kudrow, loners, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, medicine, movies, myth, Nicolas Cage, nudity, Oliver!, operations, ouch, Paris, perversion, petty crime, Phoebe, Pizza Hut, post, postbox, presents, restaurants, Sarah Jessica Parker, SATC, seaside, Sex and the City, shame, stage hypnosis, sugar, sweet vs savoury, t-shirts, technology, telly, theft, This Life, throats, tonsillitis, tonsils, towels, trances, twin towns, underwear
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June 23, 2011
** Click here for Episode 179 **
The following person has written to us under the pseudonym “Jeremy in Stoke” (to conceal the fact he is actually a lesbian blogger in the Middle East). He has a fake name, but a real problem, you see:
Despite being a happily married man and father of two small boys, the girlfriend of a friend of mine has started cracking onto me rather a lot recently. Let’s call her Emma. She flirts with me so obviously when we are out that it has become a standing joke with some of my friends (even my wife says she finds it rather funny in a sad kind of way).
The thing is that Emma’s boyfriend, my friend Mike, seems to be totally unaware of all this. He’s a lovely chap, a little bit head in the clouds and really doesn’t seem to see anything at all dodgy in the fact that whenever he’s away she asks me to come round and ‘keep her company’ on my own etc etc etc.
Answer me this:
DO I TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT?
I obviously don’t want to, because I’m a bit too English.
That’s right. You and he must never have a heart-to-heart about this, unless you want your UK citizenship to be revoked.
In fact, I’d hesitate to talk to him about it whichever nationality you are. He evidently trusts you and your upstanding Englishness completely, to see nothing but innocence in her hussyish come-ons; and so far you’ve done nothing to break that trust. Perhaps he is even aware of her vixenish ways, but has chosen not to act, rather than embarrassing you, himself and his errant ladyfriend. If you wade in, it could cause a fissure of awkwardness in your friendship and a dent to the dignity on at least one of your sides.
However, you could have a short stern word with Emma asking her to knock it off; or, better yet, your wife could stage a catfight with her in the middle of the street. After some publicly humiliating hair-pulling, tit-punching and screams of “Step off, bitch!”, her ardour might be dampened. Tell your wife to get acrylic nail extensions beforehand.
Readers, agree or disagree with me? I don’t mind which, but I do urge you to go to the comments to advise Jeremy upon apt procedure.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »
June 22, 2011
** Click here for Episode 179 **
Look, we’re no strangers to shitunusual museums – we drove many miles out of our way to go to the Cumberland Pencil Museum, no less – but Dina from London really is boldly going where nobody else bothers to go unless they’re on a school trip:
Given your clear interest in paperweights last episode, I highly recommend you visit the Paperweight Centre in Yelverton, Devon.
I went there with my boyfriend and we had an awesome time hearing all about the history of the humble paperweight. I even bought one which wasn’t listed in the glassmaker’s catalogue! A one off orange specimen which now resides on my desk in Holborn much at the mockery of my colleagues.
I have never actually used it to weigh down my papers as there is rarely a breeze in my climate-controlled office, however I occasionally play with it when thinking or stare into it when bored. It really is quite mesmerising. I can also confirm that it would be a good weapon in case of attack but as I don’t carry it around in my handbag, and I do not expect to get attacked at my desk, I doubt it’ll ever be used in self defence.
I have now developed a genuine interest in niche museums. The Paperweight Centre is linked with Barometer World, so I look forward to going there next.
Here is a photo of me at the joyous place in question:
Readers. Have you been to a shittermore obscure museum than that? Tell us about it in the comments, so that we – and Dina – can plan our next holidays around it. NB Martin and I visited this one on honeymoon (because nothing says romance better than a nutcracker shaped like Adolf Hitler), so do aim high.
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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »
June 20, 2011
** Click here for Episode 179 **
Here’s a question from Chris from Sunderland:
Someone told me they committed a prank in which they, amoung a large group of co-prankers, picked up this guy’s car, and hid it in his garage. When the guy then reported the car as being stolen, the police searched around the area, and discovered the car in the garage. They then thought he was playing a prank on them.
So answer me this: have you commited any japes, pranks, or serious shenanigans that have been a little over the score?
I’d put money on you readers having done so, so while I’m down at the bookie’s, tell everyone about your mischief in the comments. Meanwhile, Harry from Fleet is cooking up his own prank:
I was thinking up some good old-fashioned revenge ideas when I sprung upon the idea of urinating onto my father’s cake. This got me thinking whether you could make icing from wee.
Later on still, thinking along the same lines, I wondered if there could be any more practical uses for the stuff? With the increasing prices of water, perhaps could it not act as nature’s 2 for 1 deal on water?
I’m sure there are lots of wonderful uses for human urine, Harry, but I’m more interested to find out what it is your father has done to you to warrant being served up a lovely slice of piss-soaked cake. And whether all of his five senses are really bad enough for him not to notice your extra ingredient.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
June 16, 2011
Over the years, one question has kept us awake at night (other than, “Did I remember to turn the oven off?” and “How can the next-door neighbours like listening to Duffy this much?”): where do all the spurned Build-A-Bear bears go? Do they end up in a bear workhouse, or are they turned out onto the streets to survive by turning tricks and picking pockets?
Thankfully, no. After Answer Me This! Episode 179 we will, at last, be able to sleep the deep sleep borne out of the relief that the poor orphant bears do find a good home:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In today’s episode we also consider:
Co-op Funerals
doll hospitals
the mystery of Glenn Miller
McCain’s Pizza Rollers
office toys
cycle helmets
the most striking aspect of Jordan’n’Dane Bowers’ sex tape
reality TV vs. reality
Dame Bruce Forsyth
Chris Cooley’s cock (NSFW!)
Ruth Badger
the Black Eyed Peas’ next hit (shudder)
20p
Gwyneth Paltrow in Glee
symbolism in ET
and
toff prison.
Plus: Olly sees right through posh Findus Crispy Pancakes to the publicity stunt beneath; Helen surmises why seminal movie scenes such as this are not set in Business Studies lessons; and Martin the Sound Man pipes up in favour of hot goo. Yes, he does.
Please join us next week for episode 180, in which we will do a full 180 on everything we’ve ever said so far, apart from one thing which will remain forever true: we want you to send us your QUESTIONS, by leaving voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or sending emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Gimme gimme gimme.
Helen & Olly
Tags:shame, the apprentice, food, cake, cats, embarrassment, music, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, parents, crime, movies, jobs, prawn, reality tv, Megan Fox, Google, business, genitalia, toys, Black Eyed Peas, shopping, Twilight, telly, celebrity genitals, monarchy, prison, ornaments, the Queen, nudity, symbolism, film, penis, Glee, Gwyneth Paltrow, Dawson's Creek, Cherie Blair, contraceptives, Strictly Come Dancing, gender divide, bears, movie cliches, judges, Fergie, WWII, retail, royals, MPs' expenses, perks of the job, perks, Build a Bear, Co-op, freebies, paint, boring, honours list, honours, Bruce Forsyth, Brucie, Michael Barrymore, frozen food, retro food, Findus Crispy Pancakes, Tesco, World War Two, Second World War, Will.I.Am, Jive Bunny, Anthony Weiner, Chris Brown, Kanye West, sexting, cock shots, provocative behaviour, the famous English reserve, naked photos, Jordan, Katie Price, Dane Bowers, toe sex, sex tapes, celebrity sex tapes, Fergie (not Fergie out of the Black Eyed Pes, the other one), Sarah Ferguson, Stacy Ferguson, Gaydar, women vs men, Britney, Lindsay Lohan, upskirt, Alan Sugar, tv trickery, Amstrad, Ruth Badger, idiots, casting, Cormac McCarthy, The Road, consumer rights, internet shopping, desks, paper, paperweights, collectibles, Balmoral, palace, diaphragm, Dutch Cap, criminals, life imprisonment, Buffy, 90210, classroom, ET, dissection, darts, pin image, Newton's Cradle
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Answer Me This! Podcast 