Author Archive
July 27, 2011
** Click here for Episode 184 **
We’ll take this question from Jim on the rocks with a twist:
I host a whisky podcast and whisky is one of my main interests – it is something I know a bit about and so I am embarrassed to ask this question.
Whisky is made from distilling fermented grain and then maturing it in oak casks. So how can the French Eddu be a single MALT whisky when it is made from buckwheat – which I believe is a pseudo grain not an actual grain?
I cannot pretend to have greater whisky knowledge than Jim, but I’ve done some pretty heavy-duty detective-work (ie gone to a page on the Eddu website) and found the answer. Or, at least, Eddu’s own-brand balm for Jim’s aggravation:
Whisky is by definition a cereal brandy. Barley, wheat, maize belong to the botanical family of graminae. Buckwheat or sarrasin, for its part, belongs to the polygonacae family, like sorrel or rhubarb.
A cereal is a plant which yields flour for human consumption.
The notion of cereal thus regroups graminae and one polygonaceae: buckwheat!
That seems like a risky argument to me, along the lines of, ‘I once ate a giant Toblerone for breakfast. Ergo, Toblerone is a breakfast food!’ (Obviously I wish it was, but take it from me, Toblerone really doesn’t set you up for the day.)
But perhaps one of you readers is a buckwheat expert, a graminae expert (!), or possibly even more of a whisky expert than Jim. Take to the comments to reconcile what Jim finds so irreconcilable; or perhaps his original explanation of what constitutes a whisky is the source of the problem, for by his logic, Eddu is not even a whisky at all if it’s made not of grain but of a rhubarb cousin.
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Tags:booze
Posted in extracurricular questions | 3 Comments »
July 26, 2011
** Click here for Episode 184 **
Laura and Justin from the USA need your help to get their musical comedy satisfaction:
We are big fans of the Australian musician/comedian Tim Minchin; we have purchased the only one of his albums that is available in the US, and we have even been lucky enough to see him in concert. However, most of his CDs and DVDs are available for purchase only to those who have a UK e-mail address.
Helen and Olly, please answer us this: Do you know of any buying clubs or exchanges where British folks can purchase and ship items to Americans that we can’t get here, and vice versa? And if not, do you have any ideas on how we could set up such an arrangement? We would be happy to buy and ship anything to the UK in exchange for a Tim Minchin fix!
Hold on, readers – don’t take advantage of their peachy-keen offer to ship ANYTHING to the UK, I outright forbid you to co-opt Laura and Justin into your international drug/exotic animal/firearms trading empire.
If, however, you can help them out with the name of any copyright-swerving buying clubs, or if you yourself have been hankering for something only available in the US which is of roughly equivalent value to a Tim Minchin CD, go to the comments and let’s get this mutual back-scratching started.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 1 Comment »
July 21, 2011
Not to blow our own trumpets, readers, but we really solve a SHITLOAD of mysteries this week. What’s with carriage clocks? What’s Cher Lloyd on about? Why do people bother toiling away to earn money through honest means when they could just throw themselves in front of a moving car and rake in the compensation? Find out all in Answer Me This! Episode 184:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
We also speak of:
Facebook for babies
the great lost Arctic Monkeys single
the Golden Arches theory of conflict prevention
Parky’s Parker pens
‘Swagger Jagger’ vs. This is England
The Simpsons Movie – X-rated
David Cronenberg’s Crash, reimagined
bears’ pre-hibernation precautions
compensation culture
Prince Edward
bulk-buying Tampax
and
the Hairy Moment award.
Plus: Olly is already preparing for the minutiae of his life to be immortalised in a museum; heretical Helen sees the World Cup as a prosaic, nay ugly, object; and Martin the Sound Man at last clears up the common History exam question about what was the primary trigger for the Second World War.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone and iPad, or Android) is a question from Naomi about bathtime luxury, which unfortunately leads Helen to recall a magazine’s truly misbegotten sex tip involving pasta. Try it, then let us know whether we’re all missing out thanks to our reluctance to add spaghetti to our sexytime.
Hold up, we’re still not done! We recently guest-hosted an episode of the RadioTalk podcast; click here to hear it and find out more. And in high contrast to that serious podcast about podcasting, we also have the following: video evidence of the anonymous caller in AMT181 who thought his testicles, a stapler and the Keith and the Girl book would be a happy combination. If your curiosity really can’t resist, click here to watch. But we absolve ourselves from any responsibility for the consequences upon your psyche if you choose do so.
Something which has few negative consequences is sending us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Come back next week to see what we’ve done with them in AMT185. We promise we won’t staple them to our testicles.
Bye!
Helen & Olly
Tags:accidents, advertising, Arctic Monkeys single, babies, bandages, bathing, baths, bears, bestiality, blood, bodily fluids, bodily functions, BRIT Awards, British Comedy Awards, business cards, car accidents, carpet, carriage clocks, Channel 4, Cher Lloyd, Cheryl Cole, children, clocks, contests, corporate gifts, crime, cups, cynical ploys, dreams, driving, drunken mistakes, Duke of Edinburgh, equestrianism, etiquette, Facebook, feminine hygiene, fraud, free gifts, free markets, friendship, gambling, history, horses, hygiene, injury, ITV, McDonald's, menstruation, Michael Parkinson, monarchy, More magazine, music, music videos, NME Awards, Olly's cat, parenting, parents, pasta, pedestrianism, penalties, Peter Dickson, piss, planking, pop, pop music, Prince Edward, Prince Philip, prizes, Procter and Gamble, retirement, royal family, royal wedding, royalty, Rupert Murdoch, sex tips, Sky, songs, spaghetti, Swagger Jagger, Tampax, tampons, telly, the Queen, The Simpsons, This Morning, Thomas L Friedman, toilet, trophies, urine, Visa, war, World Cup, WWII, X Factor, yuk
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July 20, 2011
** Click here for Episode 183 **
Pay heed now to this question from lonely Leeds-dweller Alex:
I moved to Leeds for Uni 7 years ago and, after I finished my useless degree and messed around for a bit temping in terrible offices, I decided to get a career. Therefore I have undertaken a second degree, this time in nursing. However a lot of my friends have become disillusioned by Leeds’ charms and have moved away. This has left a significant hole in my immediately accessible social circles. Answer me this: how can I make new age-appropriate friends (most of the girls on my course are 18 – I think as a 27-year-old male it would look a bit weird if I were to only hang out with such young girls)?
Befriend people who are doing post-grad courses, for a start. Other than that, follow the suggestions that our sociable readers have left for you in the comments (readers, go to the comments and submit your suggestions RIGHT NOW. It is your duty to the NHS).
This must be a very common problem these days, judging by the number of versions of it we receive every week. One of you enterprising people out there should set up a Match-style site for adults who simply want to find friends. Right?
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »
July 20, 2011
** Click here for Episode 183 **
In AMT183, my brother tried to translate the businesspeak term ‘verticals’ into a recognisable concept, yet my argot-lite brain refused to compute. Thankfully I now have pictoral aids from Chris from Cardiff, Australia:
Based on my rudimentary knowledge of business jargon (from Year 12 Business Studies), my understanding of “verticals” is thus:
A “vertical” is, much like Martin and Olly suggested, a broad term for the different “genres” of businesses in the marketplace. I think one of the easiest ways to explain vertical and horizontal businesses is using a graphical analogy for wheat.
In the diagram, the vertical lines represent some of the different commercial functions of wheat. Each dot on the line represents a different point in the process between the raw material and the finished product. The processing business (marked with the red line) is able to sell its services horizontally to the different lines of use, thus expanding its market potential. The processing needed for wheat to become suitable for bread (pre-milling) is marginally different to the processing for wheat to be suitable for use in a distillery, so the business can expand over multiple markets.
Much of the time, a big business in the main markets will buy out the businesses or facilities which perform the different tasks on the vertical axis, this is called vertical integration.
So, in short, “verticals” are the general markets which a business can sell its services to.
Thanks, Chris. I will try to work the term into a sentence today.
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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, visuals | Leave a Comment »
July 19, 2011
** Click here for Episode 183 **
I am most impressed by the solution James in Nottingham came up with to his own problem:
This is in response to my question last week about what I should do about this online paramour coming to visit me. Well I actually like this guy and he is a bit fragile so I didn’t want to disown him, so I resigned myself to give man up and give him a blow job as Olly suggested (actually I think Olly suggested a handjob – but does anyone who has actually had sex like a handjob? why not just wank yourself?).
However, on the night I had instead arranged a far more attractive mate of mine to constantly hit on this guy at the pub. After a few drinks, my visiting friend succumbed and kissed my mate; I acted highly offended and stormed off in a huff. The next day I met up with my visiting friend and said I was highly offended by his actions the night before and it was obvious that he was just looking for a quick shag whereas I was looking for a relationship (I’m not). He agreed and we parted on good terms and he had the ego boost of having my attractive friend hit on him.
Now I was quite please at how things had turned out: I managed to not sleep with someone I don’t fancy and he left with his ego increased and not hurt. But some of my friends think I should be ashamed of myself for my Machiavellian manipulations. Have I broken some moral code or should I congratulate myself for a job well done?
It looks like you manufactured a win for you AND a win for your visiting friend, so that’s certainly a job well done. You did, however, force your attractive friend to prostitute himself, which does present a moral conundrum for you and him. Readers, let us know what you think – and also if you’ve ever come up with as cunning a method as this to let someone down gently.
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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »
July 19, 2011
** Click here for Episode 183 **
Hey! Remember that guy in AMT181 who called in having stapled his testicles to a copy of the Keith and the Girl book
and claimed he had video evidence?
He has provided us with the video evidence.
Before you watch it, let us remind you that it is a video of a man stapling his testicles to a book, so prepare yourselves for the sight of a man stapling his testicles to a book. Click through to view the rest of this post if that is something you actually wish to see, but think carefully about your decision beforehand, because once seen, it cannot be unseen. (more…)
Posted in visuals | 17 Comments »
July 14, 2011
We, you, and everyone else in the world with functioning ears should be celebrating following the joyful news this week that the Black Eyed Peas are cancelling their subscription to What Sample? magazine, hanging up whatever contraption it is that makes their oeuvre so appealing to people who enjoy shit parties, and taking an indefinite leave of absence from generating that infernal racket.
Yes.
But if, for some reason, you start to miss the sound of puerile nonsense, simply fire up Answer Me This! Episode 183:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
No booms, pows or lumps, we promise; just conversation upon the following:
Christmas in July
BBC1’s Coast
Shakespeare in Love
Queen Middleton’s off games excuse
sample groups
substitute swears
baseball
Caroline Quentin
Annabel Chong
Anna Paquin
Neal Street
Canadian cricket
verticals
and
Danny Baker’s Dozen.
Plus: had he not been thwarted by the onset of puberty, THIS could have been Olly; Helen gives Tesco some much-needed advice to raise their game or lose their festive glove market share; and Martin the Sound Man blackmails petrol stations with his bowel movements. Concede to his demands, or face the direst consequences on the forecourt.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone and iPad, or Android) is a question from Simon from Beddington, who has one problematic nipple. But which one? You have a 50% chance of guessing it correctly!
You have a 100% chance of sending us a QUESTION if you properly employ the usual means, which are leaving voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or emailing to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Our new intern Apl.de.Ap looks forward to sifting through them all.
See you next week!
Helen & Olly
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Tags:acting, actors, advertising, Andy Zaltzman, Anna Paquin, auditions, baseball, BBC, BBC1, BBC3, Ben Folds, booty calls, Brad Pitt, Britain, British coastline, British Empire, Bruce Willis, business, business-speak, Canada, casting, celebrisex, celebrities, Charlie Boorman, child stardom, Christmas, cinema, cinema food, Cineworld, clothes, coast, coastal, comparative coastlines, cosmetics, cricket, Eddie Izzard, etymology, euphemisms, Ewan McGregor, excuses, fashion, festive fashion, fiddlesticks, food, former colonies, Gwyneth Paltrow, Halle Berry, homosexuality, hotties, idols, incredible journeys, infidelity, jargon, jumpers, Kate Middleton, knitwear, lame excuses, language, lavatories, loo, make-up, markets, marriage, medical research, movies, Mystic Meg, News of the World, Norfolk, Odeon, Ordnance Survey, petrol stations, pity sex, popcorn, poppycock, Post Office, Prince William, public conveniences, public toilets, pulling, Queen Middleton, research, sample groups, Sarah Lund, sartoria, saucepans, sex, sex with celebrities, Shakespeare in Love, sport, Stephen Fry, Stewart Lee, swearing, telephone numbers, telly, Tesco, The Killing, The Piano, toilet, True Blood, tubbers, TV, urine, verticals, violin, Vue, WC, William Shakespeare, Wills'n'Kate, Wizard of Oz, Woody Allen, World Cup, X Men, Xmas
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July 14, 2011
** Click here for Episode 182 **
Nige from Sohar, Oman has some feedback on last week’s episode:
Pockets being sewn up dates back to the IRA planting small incendiary devices in Oxford Street in the ’80s.
Now I’m no bomb scholar, but I’m going to hazard a guess that this is a little nugget of Horseshit History. Firstly, because I suspect the pocket-sewing practice is older than that; secondly, because by extension of that logic, clothing emporiums would also have had to sew up every shoe, sock, trouser-leg, Speedo and shirt cuff, glue down every pile of T-shirts, and seal all manbags in protective concrete shells. It would have been easier to shut up shop completely.
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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 1 Comment »
July 12, 2011
** Click here for Episode 182 **
“Why Miss Figgins…y-y-you’re beautiful!” people far and wide have stammered at Alec, as he took off his spectacles and shook out his prim bun (or similar):
I am a 28 year old shop supervisor, working in Oxford.
Until very recently my sartorial preference could be described as “windswept extra in a Nirvana video”. I wear beaten up old jeans, converse boots and a variety of black t-shirts and open shirts. Moreover, I had a massive mop of extremely curly, shoulder length, blondish-brown hair.
Last Wednesday, however, I finally got sick of the effort required in keeping my hair clean and tangle-free. I went to my local hairdresser and I was given a much more trendy short back and sides. Upon arrival at work on Thursday, there was a collective intake of breath of surprise at the change. Additionally some very regular customers asked me if I had just started (I’ve been there for nearly 3 years).
General consensus on my new look is that I now “look cool”. Given that I am still tall and lanky and still dress like 1992 never ended, I am somewhat sceptical of this new opinion.
So, please answer me this:
My whole life, have I only ever been a £25 haircut away from looking cool? Really? Is that all it took?
Yes! In fact, sometimes it only takes a careful blow-dry and a dressing-up montage – have you never seen any Hollywood films ever, Alec? But never forget that you’re still the same old dorky Alec beneath the hair, so even though Freddie Prinze Jr is now proudly taking you to the dance, to the shock of the In Crowd, you want to make sure that he’ll love the ugly duckling you really are.
The morals of the story are a) people are shallow, b) a decent haircut CAN be a passage to a new improved life, c) the 90s revival is only going to work with 21st-century styling.
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Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »
July 12, 2011
** Click here for Episode 182 **
Seeing as covert surveillance on unsuspecting targets seems such a hot topic in the British media lately, let’s address the following question from Melissa from Kansas:
Recently my ex-boyfriend came back on leave from being injured like a ridiculous idiot tripping like a lunatic in the middle of a flipping war.
Anyway, I saw him in the parking lot of a local store and wondered what he was up to so I tried to check out his Facebook page, but he had blocked me. So my question is, would it be creepy if I made a separate Facebook profile just to keep tabs on the asswipe?
Of course it would be creepy! That is, if he’d even agree accept the friend request of someone he’s never heard of who has zero other friends (unless you were planning to track several other estranged acquaintances too). Casting yourself in a Psycho Ex-Girlfriend role would hardly reflect well on you either; nor would the decision to such lengths to spy upon somebody whom you believe to be an ‘asswipe’, rather than moving the hell on and avoiding psychological attrition at your own hand. Lastly, you do NOT want to be like any of the people in this story, you really don’t.
Sanctimonious lecturing over, let’s look at Melissa’s supplementary question:
Have any of you ever felt the impulse to check up on an ex?
Of course! Who hasn’t? We like to make sure that our former paramours are mere shells of human beings after we’ve finished with them, drifting through their drab wretched half-lives, ever bereft without us…or we at least like to know that they are aging prematurely. However we never stooped to such schemes as Melissa’s; we prefer to use flying monkeys for those dirty jobs.
Anyway, readers, have you ever in the past yielded to your inner Glenn Mulcaire and found out anything exciting about your ex? And how far did you go in the endeavour? Moving in next door would count as ‘far’. This would count as ‘definitely too far’.
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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »
July 12, 2011
** Click here for Episode 182 **
Have you lost the key to your padlocked shed and desperately need to get your lawnmower out? Are you yearning to break out of a very spindly prison cell? Or do you just like threatening-looking tools? If so, call on Brigade for assistance:
Last Friday I parked my bike at a quiet train station, before taking the train to see my parents in the countryside. When I returned Sunday afternoon, I unlocked it, packed my stuff onto it, and then spent a few minutes not understanding why it wouldn’t move. It turned out that somebody else had locked it to the bike stand (why, oh why? My boyfriend suggests some teenagers having fun, but what kind of fun is that? In my days, we vandalised bikes, we did not make them
extra-unstealable).
The next day, I shelled out the equivalent of £37 to buy a bolt cutter (since no-one I knew had one I could borrow), and went back to regain control over my bike. Amazingly, no-one seemed to find anything remarkable about a 30ish woman cutting a wire lock in plain view at midday.
I went home with my bike and my bolt cutter, wondering if I would ever use this tool again. However, spending £37 just to retrieve a bike seems a bit on the expensive side, and I would like to get a bit more out of my purchase, if at all possible. So, answer me this: What (non-criminal) uses for a bolt cutter can you think of?
Easy: insinuate yourself with the band of vagabonds who did this to your bike, and linger at the bike stands with which they’ve recently interfered with. When the owners of the shackled bikes turn up, offer to cut the locks for them for a small fee. You’ll recoup the £37 in no time!
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Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »
Answer Me This! Podcast 