Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

You may now kiss the bride…if her faceful of bees doesn’t put you off.

July 27, 2009

In Episode 101 Helen sounded off about the homogeneity of wedding photos on Facebook. Then she felt a little bit guilty about it, until an ambassador of the Lord Almighty emailed in to confirm her jaundiced views – Adrian, a priest from Belfast:

I completely agree with your determination that, no matter the details, most weddings are basically the same! Obviously it’s part of my job, and weddings are really great things to be part of; but so far there’s been very little that has made any weddings at which I’ve officiated different from the others, special though each one was.

So, in order for me to appropriately advise couples in relation to their approaching nuptials, Helen and Olly, answer me this: what on earth can anyone do to make their wedding interesting and different without making it a gimmick-laden waste of time for all involved?

Well of course everyone in the whole world has given this wedding gimmick the thumbs up; and I doubt one would forget the ceremonies of these brave chaps or this possibly friendless groom. But readers, let’s consider couples who don’t see themselves as dancers or zoophiles: what other charming ways can you think of to distinguish one’s nuptials from the rest? Please comment below! And no, splashing out on the napkin rings will NOT cut the mustard…

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Tags:romance, weddings
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | 2 Comments »

EPISODE 101 – like The Wire, but in Crystal Palace

July 23, 2009

Dear space cadets,

It’s been 40 years since the moon landings, can you believe! Well, we’re sure you can; those things were bloody AGES ago. But can you even believe it’s been a whole week since AMT100? Not as impressive a quantity of time as has elapsed since men got space-dust on their shoes, to be sure; but it’s somewhat relevant here because it means it’s time for Episode 101:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

In this episode we wag our chins about:

Fanny Hill
Waitrose
Juicy Couture
the cakewalk
Paul Merton vs. George Orwell
Mr Kipling and his maverick ‘Like This, Try This’ feature
Animal Cops Houston
Adrian Mole’s diet
shell suits
Manor House
nuptual napery
Crocs
and
omelette.

Plus, Olly explains fusion food for plebs; handicrafty Helen offers tips for DIY contraceptives; and Martin the Sound Man turns out to be the only sentient being under the age of 70 to enjoy a dry fruitcake. Of all the cakes in all the world, he just has to go for the crap ones.

You know what we would ALL like more than inedibly dry fruitcake though? Your questions! Thwack them at top speed into our question-basket by sending an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voice message by Skypeing answermethis or calling 0208 123 5877. Furthermore, please leave a comment below if you can name the album cover that Callum is so keen to identify.

If you are all worn out after that and crave some musical compilations to listen to as you recuperate on your chaise longue, you could check out our inaptly named Celebrity Playlist on iTunes. It works even if you don’t actually have a chaise longue. Fancy! While you’re reclining you can also listen to Helen on the Richard Bacon Show on BBC Live tonight from 11pm-1am, discussing the most pressing topics of the day and trying to stay awake past her bedtime.

That is all for now, so we shall see you next week!

Helen and Olly

Add this episode to:

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Tags:cake, cohabitation, cookery, crime, dancing, finance, heartbreak, jews, music, romance, sartoria, weddings
Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

Visual aids

July 22, 2009

For those of you who forswore the enhanced podcast and the Facebook album, but still hunger for pictorial accompaniments to AMT100, click on the picture below for a slideshow!

Click ye here for the AMT100 slideshow!

Thanks very much to all who sent us your photos.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in visuals | 1 Comment »

EPISODE 100 – Live centenary extravaganza at the iTunes Festival!

July 16, 2009

episode 100

Fanfares please, readers! For against all odds (given that we expected to be fully estranged WAY before completing the century), Answer Me This! has hit 100. Right in the face. Wallop!

Of course we couldn’t let such a landmark pass in normal fashion; so instead of kicking about in our home studio in Crystal Palace, we trotted across town to the historic Roundhouse in Camden, and recorded the episode in front of an audience of fans and Olly’s extended family as part of the iTunes Live Festival. Technically we were La Roux’s support act, although she was probably cheerfully unaware of this.

To get a fuller sense of the occasion, conjure up a few of the following images to accompany the audio experience:
1. circular room in the bowels of the Roundhouse, that was rather like the innards of a compass
2. balloon animals
3. party bags, including sweeties, cheap plastic toys, sudoku and VERY LOUD party whistles
4. Kanye specs and foil hats.

From the folds of our sparkly centenary cloaks we whipped out such topics as:

i-mutation
dislocated hips
sweaty necks
Dodie Smith
filofaxes
Fortnum’n’Mason
chimichangas
Neo’s address
palindromes
George Orwell
Olly’s Mum
and
a fake egg.

Plus: how the podcast began! What’s really going on with Martin the Sound Man! The practicality of coming out on a podcast! And the future of AMT! Joining us for this cavalcade of fun were Josie Long, Alex Thomas, Tommy Herbert, Matthew Crosby; and joining Martin the Sound Man on bass, uke and drums was Richard Acton of the band Limn. We must also thank Alicky Ashby and Julie Wang for the photos, because I doubt we will make another such visually arresting podcast for quite some time.

We hope you enjoy the festivities; but next week the show is back to normal, so we will of course be requiring YOUR QUESTIONS: please email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phone 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis (Skype seems to have been playing up a bit lately so make sure you elocute to the max).

See you next week, for palindromic prime episode 101!

Helen and Olly

SUBSCRIBE WITH iTUNES • AMT BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • EPISODES • FAQ
• iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH •

Tags:Arizona, coming out, cookery, dogs, eggs, gay, parents, romance, surgery, work
Posted in PODCASTS | 10 Comments »

Happy birthday to us!

July 15, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 99 **

On the eve of our 100th episode, we’ve received a marvellous missive from Simon:

I’m breaking tradition, I’m emailing not with a question, BUT WITH A PRESENT…of sorts.

I found myself doodling as I usually do whilst listening to episode 98, and it sort of developed into the drawing that’s attached! It’s to celebrate your 100th episode, and a thanks for being so damned awesome over the last two years.

Thanks very much, Simon! (Especially for making us look so much better than we do in real life.) And if any of the rest of you fancy making cards for us to prop on our virtual mantelpieces, send them along too! Nobody likes tears on their birthday…

Incidentally, as a birthday treat, we were asked to compile our Celebrity Playlist for iTunes. If you can pause in choking with laughter at the mere notion of us having managed to muscle in on something with ‘celebrity’ in the name, then click HERE check out our joint megamix.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in AMT Gallery, frippery, visuals | 3 Comments »

Children and caving

July 15, 2009

Last week, ovaries were ruffled and coos were unleashed when Archie piped up on the phoneline to become AMT’s youngest ever questioneer. But not even high-pitched infantile cuteness could disguise the fact that he had failed to adhere to correct question-posing form, so young Archie was summarily bitch-slapped back to the sandpit. What sort of impact might such admonition have on a young psyche? Father-of-Archie Dean from Suffolk has filled us in:

I have listened to podcast 99 with pride and heard my little lad Archie’s question being thrown out by Olly! Just thought you might like to know that he took your words on board and tried to “go back from where he came from”. To give the lad his due he was almost up to his knees before the wife noticed. My wife is obviously a little upset at this turn of events and is talking about divorce; however Archie did find my best watch which I thought was lost forever in her lady parts, so a positive outcome after all!

Which got me thinking…Answer me this: why do people like potholing?

Having never committed myself to anything more adventurous than unclogging the drain, I find myself unable to answer that question; but if any of you readers are keen speologists, please comment below to enlighten us about the pleasures of potholing. Everyone else can vote on the following:

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 1 Comment »

EPISODE 99 – handjob on the dancefloor

July 9, 2009

Welcome to the new series, listeners!

And welcome to the last episode before we hit triple figures. Next week’s podcast will of course be our Live Super-Festive Snazzy Centenary Extravaganza at the iTunes Festival, but until then there’s Not-Live Non-Festive Moderately Snazzy Nonanovantian Normalaganza, Episode 99:

To limber up after the month off, we contemplate:

Stanley Kubrick’s stationery
Paul McCartney’s flatmate potential
spreadable butter
sleeve tatts
onion bhajis
Apple Barn
Dannii Minogue
Jackass
this unconvincingly world-famous restaurant gimmick
messy Kate Nash
and
flesh tunnels.

Plus: Olly talks utter balls about balls; in a tortoise vs. hare-style victory, Helen’s book beats the internet in a race to be informative; and Martin the Sound Man finally builds up a bit of resistance to basic innuendo, although not without some false starts.

We may be getting on, but our tastes haven’t changed: we want YOUR QUESTIONS, and we want them now! Well, not now, but soonish, for the new series. So please gather them and email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or deliver with your voice into our answering machine on the other end of 0208 123 5877 or Skype id answermethis.

See you next week, when we will score a podcasting century!

Helen and Olly

Add this episode to:

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Tags:celebrities, cohabitation, dancing, Dustin Hoffman, etymology, Fern Britton, inebriation, Julia Roberts, Ministry of Sound, school, tertiary education, Tom Hanks
Posted in PODCASTS | 3 Comments »

All new!

July 8, 2009

We’re thrilled to be returning tomorrow with our new series, but just before that arrives, we’ve got some other new stuff to tell you about. Namely:

• New badges! The wonderful bods at 50pbadges.com have produced a gorgeous new quartet of badges in two sizes. CLICK HERE to buy your own pieces of flair.

• New albums! During our holidays we put together the Answer Me This! Selection Boxes, four compilations of some of the finest bits of the podcast themed around our favourite subjects: food, love, dilemmas and history. They’re available exclusively from the iTunes store for £3.49 each – or $4.99 for listeners in the US or $8.99 in Australia. Or for some similarly puny amount wherever you are in the world!

• Martin the Sound Man‘s got a new episode of his Sound of the Ladies podcast, featuring his latest song ‘We Went to the Bottom of the Ocean’!

• Fellow podcaster and sibling of the show Andy Zaltzman has just started his new BBC 5Live series ‘Yes, It’s the Ashes’. Unfortunately it is about cricket; but if that oils your bat, then you can listen to Episode 1 on BBC iPlayer until Saturday morning.

See you tomorrow for Episode 99!

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in frippery, Merch | Leave a Comment »

Loooooook again!

June 28, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 98 **

Great news for all you Martin the Sound Fans – you can now cut out and keep your very own Martin! Sally Grosart, who created these marvellous paper effigies of me and Olly, has also done one of Martin, right down to his home-made Sound of the Ladies t-shirt. It’s an impressive likeness:

Martin the Paper Sound Man

If you want to make your own papery Martin, click on the picture below for the full-size pattern; and do take a look at Sally’s Flickr stream for her other cardboard chaps.

Make your own Martin - less sweary than the original

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in AMT Gallery, frippery, Martin the Sound Man, visuals | 1 Comment »

(PG)Tips

June 25, 2009

** Click here for Episode 98 **

There are some subjects which are particularly dear to us, so naturally our question-answering urges were roused by this email from Bobbie from Cincinnati:

Recently, someone asked your advice for new residents of England. Helen mentioned learning to make a proper cup of tea. Which leads me to my question.

Helen and Olly (& Martin) answer me this: what do the “Non English” do wrong when they make tea? I am a tea junkie and would love to know what makes a cup of tea rubbish.

The first problem facing you, Bobbie, is that the most popular tea in the USA is Lipton’s, which is about as likely to make a tasty cup of tea as some eczema scrapings. But assuming you can get your hands on some decent bags or leaves, there are a few useful rules for tea palatability (I will try to keep this brief, as I tend to get far too overexcited on this subject and it is not attractive):

1. Use water that is at the zenith of boilingness, otherwise the resultant tea tastes like someone has been stirring it with soapy pencils. The fresher the water the better, too.
2. Don’t prod the teabag with a sodding spoon, ok? Just leave it to steep for a few minutes! Patience is key to successful tea – which rhymes, therefore must be true.
3. Pyramid or drawstring bags are Stupid. There, I said it.

Of course everyone has their methods (some of which are pure insanity), but what better guide to a good cup of tea than The Olden Times? If the video below is anything to go by, there used to be such a job as ‘tea instructor’. They were clearly hardcore back then.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Tags:BFI, cookery, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, tea
Posted in extracurricular questions | 5 Comments »

The Sound of the Ladies Lounge III – The Lounge Strikes Back

June 23, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 98 **

Listeners, we’re sorry to be neglecting you this month. But Martin the Sound Man isn’t – he’s just released a new episode of his musical-gigs-filmed-in-the-house, The Sound of the Ladies Lounge! And it’s a corker, featuring Martin’s new song ‘We went to the bottom of the ocean’, as well as AMT!P jingle alumnus Gavin Osborn singing his ravishing current single ‘Hello, my name is Charlie’. See:

Told you.

* For more of Martin’s music, and for previous episodes of The Sound of the Ladies Lounge, visit www.thesoundoftheladies.com.
* For more of Gavin’s music, visit www.myspace.com/gavinosborn.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Tags:DIY entertainment, Gavin Osborn, Martin Austwick, music
Posted in frippery, Martin the Sound Man | 1 Comment »

100 tickets for the 100th Episode – now up for grabs!

June 11, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 98 **

Today’s the day, listeners! We have opened up the draw for tickets for our live 100th Episode at the iTunes Live Festival on 11th July. If you are a) over 14 years of age and b) a member of the Answer Me This! Facebook Fanclub, you can win a pair of them! So if you haven’t already, skedaddle over to the Fanclub and set about the entry form; the deadline’s 5pm 18th June, after which we will hold a random draw for the winners. Cos random is fair, see?

If you win a ticket, you will not only be entitled to watch AMT!P turn 100, with all the live jingles, question-answering and Martin the Sound Man’s slow jams that such a celebration entails, but also the evening’s headliner: La Roux, with support from Dan Black. And all for free! What an electropop treat.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to episodes • Question Archive • FAQ
Facebook Fanclub • Twitter • Merch Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in News | 4 Comments »