Insubordination in the AMT ranks! Dave from Bournemouth has the gall to cast aspersions upon our unerring advice:
I just listened to this week’s podcast and thought your answers to the contact lens question were rubbish!
What the person needs to do is get glow-in-the-dark paint and write “Take out lenses” in tiny letters on the ceiling above her bed. She’ll only be able to read the note with the lenses in, and no-one else will know (unless she gets lucky with someone who has 20/20 vision).
[Slow handclaps] Bravo, Dave! Of COURSE Harriet from Oxford will read the TINY letters several feet away on her ceiling, an INFALLIBLE plan especially when she passes out FACE DOWN after a night on the lash. (From her email we did infer quite a lot about her dissolute lifestyle.)
I don’t know if Josh from Bournemouth‘s suggestion would be any more effective, but I do like his style:
I too like Harriet wear contact lenses. For the first few months I was always forgetting to take my lenses out and so I made a poster full of insults and stuck it to the roof above my bed.
This meant that when ever I went to bed and could read the insults calling me a variety of horrible things, I knew I had to take my lenses out, but if I had already taken them out I was blessed with the ignorance of being able to stare at my ceiling and not be called a cunt that night.
It’s a shock tactic, with the additional bonus of providing a conversation point should Josh ever bring a Special Friend home for a sleepover.
It’s time for a question of art from Danbo from Surrey:
I have recently started a digital film course at my local arts university (Farnham for those who may wish to know) and in one of our lectures we were shown a film which, well which I can’t make heads nor tails of. It’s called “Balkan erotic epic” by Marina Abramović.
Answer me this: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PIECE OF CRAP! Why would someone want to shove a fish up their snatch?! Or expose themselves to the sky?
We’re trading at the fartier end of art here, but it’s certainly pretty funny. It’s also thoroughly NSFW, so view with caution: Read the rest of this entry »
…actually, not ‘not’. See what a pain in the arse that joke is? Leave it in the 90s, people! This is our plea in Answer Me This! Episode 193:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Today we ponder upon:
Indian cows
Utterly Butterly
beluga whales vs. beluga caviar
holy salt
claiming sanctuary
charity shop returns policies
cloud computing
flyers milk.com
contact lenses
Teri Hatcher in Swedish
shoe mnemonics
breastfeeding men
transubstantiation
and
the irony of Google Chrome.
Plus: Olly is jealous of you people who’ve had milkmen (oo-er, missus!); Helen will be hiding in plain sight when she goes on the lam; and Martin the Sound Man is happy to be the theme of your stag/hen parties. L-plates and fake veils do look great against a tweed jacket and facial hair.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available for iPhones, iPads and Android devices) is about the books that wind up in charity shops before they are even dog-eared. Not this book, though! Perish the thought.
Do NOT, however, perish thoughts of sending us your QUESTIONS. Pose them to us as voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or fire up the Skype and look for answermethis) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. In the Age of Austerity, it’s one thing you needn’t stint upon.
Here’s a second question of cash for today, this time from Will from Oxford :
I am being made redundant on 31st December. While the prospect of my forthcoming unemployment is a bit depressing, but on the bright side it does mean I will be receiving a redundancy payment of £6500 on 1st January. So…
Assuming I am not going to do anything boring and sensible like invest it wisely in a savings account, how should I spend my redundancy pay so as to get the maximum amount of pleasure out of it? I’m open to any suggestions except going ‘travelling’ around Asia to ‘find myself’ or similar, as I am not a complete douchebag.
Readers! Race to the comments to tell Will how to squander his nest egg, seeing as he’s so determined not to stow it away safely under the mattress.
A question of cash now, from Nick from Manchester:
There is a girl who I really like but she owes me money. I’m not sure what to do, I don’t want to over-push the fact she hasn’t paid me back otherwise she may think I’m too aggressive and care too much about money, but I don’t want her to use me for money and also I would really like my money back.
Answer me this..
What do I do?!!!
That’s a tough one to answer, Nick, seeing as we don’t know why she has your money, nor how much it is. If you think there’s a possibility of her using you for your money, that suggests at least thousands of pounds, not a fiver. And you don’t want it to look like you are paying her for her company, because as romantic comedies go, Pretty Woman is, when you think about the facts, not at all romantic, and also quite dark.
You could give her a hint in a Gentle and Humorous Way by playing her this:
But she might just counter with this:
However, if it all goes really badly, at least you’ve got this up your sleeve:
Here’s a mystery from the not-so-distant past, courtesy of Nigel from Dublin:
Many years ago (c1990), as a young man, I was in Majorca with some male friends and I was sending postcards home to everyone I knew.
For one particularly debauched friend, I chose a card with a photo on the front of a nude woman diving into a pool (taken from the rear, so it was pretty rude). When I next saw him, I asked if he’d appreciated the card, to which he replied with a puzzled, “Erm… yeah, thanks!”
Surprised by his lack of enthusiasm for the subject, I enquired further and was amazed when he claimed that the card was just a normal one. He then produced the card, and sure enough, he was right. On close inspection, it was clear that another picture – one of those stock montages with several shots of the local scenery on it – had been glued over the original card!
So, answer me this: who the hell was employed to censor postcards from Spain in this way? Does it still happen? Does it happen from any other countries?
Readers, you have such diverse pasts and chequered careers. Have any of you ever been in the postcard-censoring business? Tell us all about it in the comments! I look forward to your stories of when you had a bad day so you stamped ‘REDACTED’ in thick black ink over an innocent ‘Happy 5th Birthday!’ message.
Also, can we be sure that it was the Spanish who were doing the censoring? It seems to me that if either side was displeased by nude women diving into pools, it is more likely to be the Irish. I suppose the clue would be whether the superimposed picture was of sunny Spain, or rain-lashed sheep.
Karl is helping clear up some matters left over from last week:
According to this (a map accompanies it), in the original series of Oz books written by L. Frank Baum the red brick road goes to the Quadling Country in Oz. Red is the Quadlings’ state colour.
In his books, the Land of Oz was divided into four quadrants and each was designated a particular colour: Winkie Country = Yellow, Gillikin Country = Purple, Munchkin Country = Blue, and Quadling Country = Red. Glinda the Good was the ruler of the Quadlings in L. Frank Baum’s Oz series. As her bubble floats away from Munchkinland in the 1939 film, it appears to be following the red brick road. Therefore, the red brick road most likely leads back to her homeland, Quadling Country.
But it’s not a green road leading to the Emerald City – although I suppose the Yellow Brick Road could be passing right through Emerald City on its way to Winkie County. Emerald City really would benefit from a ring road. Anyway, Jamie in Switzerland casts doubt upon the likelihood of the red brick road fetching up anywhere:
As The Wizard of Oz was one big dream sequence, surely the red brick road didn’t go anywhere, as the end of it was never dreamt about by Dorothy.
IT’S A DREAM? I thought it was a documentary! Time to reevaluate my expectations of Australia.
We trust you have survived the past month intact, and are in peak physical and mental condition now that the time has come to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 192:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Plus: Olly’s love of aubergines knows only two boundaries; Helen really wants to know what is happening behind the smooth visages of human statues; and Martin the Sound Man reminisces about his days as a junior lothario, sadly before such times as he was actually interested in the ladies. Thus we learn the importance of not peaking too early.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App is Olly voicing his OUTRAGE at Pret A Manger for withdrawing the only thing that made him want to return to Britain from Ibiza. We hope that the Pret Powers That Be have our app on their iPhones, iPads and Android devices, so that others might be saved from suffering as Olly has.
Cheer him up by sending us your QUESTIONS to fuel the new series: ask them in voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Together we will make AMT happen, oh yes we will.
Apparently, over 25% of men aged 30 will have had to consider Keith‘s question, wittingly or not:
I just finished shaving my head. Like many of my friends in their early 30s, I have been struck with male pattern baldness. And like so many of my balding friends, I have chosen to be completely bald rather than futilely dragging long hair from the side of my head over the top. My dad and his generation seemed to prefer the combover. Everyone I know seems to find this look disgusting.
In the history of mankind, has a woman ever found this remotely attractive or preferable to a bald dome? Has anyone ever been fooled into thinking a man with a comb over had a full head of hair? And finally, how long have men been walking around like this?! I MUST KNOW!
I shall address your questions in reverse order. Firstly, Emperor Constantine sported one back in the 4th Century, and emperors don’t tend to be particularly inventive with their hairstyles so it was probably in currency for a while before – for some reason, I picture at least a couple of the apostles with combovers.
Oh dear, some of the AMT battalion have not had a very nice time during our break, like Neal from Crawley here. Get well soon, and when you’ve finished getting well, get the girl:
I’m writing to you from my hospital bed having suffered a rather annoying brain haemorrhage.
After playing Knock Down Ginger at death’s door, I’ve been reevaluating my life and realised that I have romantic feelings for one of my best friends. We’ve known each other for ten years. Looking through the Facebook posts, I’ve seen that she’s written some very tender things about me when I was in a coma and the outlook was grim.
Helen and Olly, answer me this: what do you reckon is the best way to make a move without freaking her out?
Without having to stir from your sickbed, watch some weepie movies from the 1930s and 40s. Characters who have recently escaped death – or have accepted they will shortly be submitting to it – are always managing to sidle their way into fine romances, albeit quite melodramatic ones. Take notes: these people are your Neil Strauss.
Or simply come out with it and ask her. You are miraculously still alive, so carpe diem, right? Your confession of feelings will be considerably less liable to freak her out than when she found out you were in a coma and were on the brink of death. Also, take advantage of the fact that people usually find it quite hard to be mean to invalids; you might as well get something positive out of having a brain haemorrhage, and I really can’t think of any other plus sides.
Answer Me This! Podcast 
EPISODE 192 – stuff they can’t include in Madame Tussauds
October 13, 2011 by Helen ZaltzmanHello!
We trust you have survived the past month intact, and are in peak physical and mental condition now that the time has come to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 192:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Today we consider:
the first ever YouTube video
the Vienna Museum of Pathology
Jewish French toast
Royal Wootton Bassett
intergalactic Noah’s Ark
Helen’s special cookies vs. Olly’s special pasta sauce
tourist attraction clocks
the Yellow Brick Road vs. the Red Brick Road
Diana Ross vs. Judy Garland
Tunbridge Wells vs. Telford
big ears
and
rats in space.
Plus: Olly’s love of aubergines knows only two boundaries; Helen really wants to know what is happening behind the smooth visages of human statues; and Martin the Sound Man reminisces about his days as a junior lothario, sadly before such times as he was actually interested in the ladies. Thus we learn the importance of not peaking too early.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App is Olly voicing his OUTRAGE at Pret A Manger for withdrawing the only thing that made him want to return to Britain from Ibiza. We hope that the Pret Powers That Be have our app on their iPhones, iPads and Android devices, so that others might be saved from suffering as Olly has.
Cheer him up by sending us your QUESTIONS to fuel the new series: ask them in voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Together we will make AMT happen, oh yes we will.
See you next Thursday,
Helen & Olly
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