AMT-brand advice has come in useful for once! Rosie from Kent living in Sardinia confided in AMT281 that she thought her in-laws’ wine was giving her cystitis. Relieved, she writes:
Your answer was bang on! It turns out that the culprit was not the wine but the fabric softener we were using! It ran out and the problem cleared up, where it had only improved when I stopped drinking the wine. In the interests of science I did a double blind drunk test and still no problems. Joy!
The podcast is BACK for 2014. And changes are afoot; listen to Answer Me This! Episode 281 to discover what they are:
But as normal, we talk about such things as:
ice sculptures
coach travel
cat litter
cystitis
Piccadilly Circus vs Times Square
country pubs vs London bars In Bruges vs Helen in Bruges the Blue Posts Crawl
stamps
floppy disks
empty London
attractiveness gaps
and
blank videotapes.
Plus: how schoolboy Olly Mann was both a ‘budget Elvis’ and like Jesus; how Helen’s jar of gallstones is keeping a low profile; and how Martin the Sound Man didn’t have an affair with a dog. (That he’ll admit to on air.)
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows), Olly’s beloved cat Coco gets her Flavor Flav gear on. Of course, Olly adores her whatever she wears.
We adore your QUESTIONS, so send them in: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Thanks to Squarespace.com for funding this episode of AMT, and if you want to see an example of a Squarespace site, visit our new answermethisstore.com, where you can buy our archive episodes/albums/Best Ofs with far more of your hard-earned money going to the AMT Corporation rather than a Big Corporation.
See you in a fortnight,
Helen & Olly
AMT281 Child-Friendly Rating: 44%. Second half is pretty clean, but what use is that coming in the wake of a discussion of cystitis, masturbation and cervical mucus? Swearing: there is some.
PS Here’s that Facebook pic of the collection of baby teeth:
We hope you enjoyed last week’s jaunt through the year’s audio delights, because here’s another one: The Best of Answer Me This! 2013 Part 2.
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just £1.99 at theAnswer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In which we revisit:
gherkins
gurkas
Fern Britton hassling the Hoff
Barry Scott
cat sex
misunderstood sheep
Skee-Lo
pierced clitorises
Martin’s Holly Hunter fetish
Pat Sharp’s Fun House
the guy who had sex with someone who he now discovers is his future sister-in-law
and Cupcake Lady!
Plus: the blooper reel! Which words and phrases proved our undoing? Stick around to the end to find out.
And with that, we wrap up the seventh year of AMT, but to enable an eighth year, send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and post emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
We will return on 16th January 2014, and we hope that in the meantime you have a very excellent time seeing out this old year and welcoming in the new one.
Helen & Olly
Best of AMT 2013 part 2 Child-Friendly Rating: 11%. Hahahahahaa yeah no way.
The best of AMT 2013 part 1 sent you, as well as us, tootling down Memory Lane. Tom in Glasgow writes:
Deep in the Answer Me This annals of your previous season, you talked about the method Billy Kennedy’s dad employed to present him with his car on his 17th birthday in Neighbours.* Olly then launched into a sob story about how disappointed he was when his father failed to hatch an elaborate unveiling ceremony for his shiny secondhand car.
This reminded me of how my family gifted me my first car on my 17th birthday. As has become the family tradition, my grandfather and uncle came from Oldham and London respectively to the little Oxfordshire village where I used to live with my dear mother and stepfather to celebrate my birthday in the local drinking establishment.
Little did I know, that around the time of my 17th birthday, my grandfather had decided to call it quits as far as his driving career was concerned, and therefore his car was on the market.
During the meal, when it came to opening cards from family and friends, there were two small boxes from my parents. I was to open the smaller one first. Inside, I found a little toy – a silver Japanese car. Puzzled, I unwrapped the second to find an old box of Hovis flour for home baking. Inside this box…was a car key! Either I had had too much to drink, or the plan was slightly convoluted, but I think what I was supposed to do was to combine the little Japanese car with the self-raising Hovis flour to bake one big, fully-functioning automobile.
Five years on the Micra and I are doing well, and have been on many exciting adventures.
Any of the rest of you got good gift-misdirection stories? Present them to us in the comments.
*Originally in AMT250, if you want to catch up on the whole delightful tale.
Hello listeners! Thanks so much for your attention and questions this year; we have very much appreciated both. And from the twentyish hours of the AMT material that came into being this year, we have culled The Best of Answer Me This! 2013 Part 1.
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just £1.99 at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In which we reacquaint ourselves with such old pals as:
Anne Hathaway’s minge
the papal pants
the Thorntons icing policy
Olly’s local swingers
Billy Kennedy’s car
bow ties
jacuzzis
Martin’s Gregg Wallace impression (kill us now)
the Queen’s corgis
special guest Isy Suttie Armageddon Grand Designs
tossed salads and scrambled eggs
lion flaps
dickbags
getting wood
and
Roland Wank.
Plus! A thrilling cavalcade of snippets which never made it into the podcast in the first place! There’ll be more outtakes and bloopers next week in the Best of AMT 2013 part 2 (code name: TBOAMT2013P2), but if you can’t wait that long, get the AMT app for your iDevices, Android and Windows, on which there’s a special bonus bit of crap every week.
With Christmas less than a fortnight away, do take a punt on our new album, Answer Me This! Christmas: it’s one hour of all-new festive fun in the AMT fashion, and is available right HERE. Thanks very much to all of you who have bought it already and thus bankrolled the show. BAH HUMBUG to the rest of you.
Oh, not really, stop giving us the sad puppy eyes. But do give us your QUESTIONS for AMT2014: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
And remember, if you enjoyed this Best Of compilation – you can buy all six of our previous Best Of compilations for just £1.99 each from the Answer Me This Store.
See you next week,
Helen & Olly
Best of AMT 2013 part 1 Child-Friendly Rating: 12%. Dream on.
If Sarah Beeny can set up a dating service, perhaps we can too? Our first specimen could be Tony from Perth, Western Australia, who writes:
I just finished listening to AMT280 and in it you mentioned Chesca who has started working at Disney World Florida. I thought I would put it out there that I am also single and I happen to be heading over to Florida in April next year. So answer me this: do you think I have a chance with Chesca?
Chesca, if you’re reading this: fancy going on a blind date with a man about whom we know nothing aside from he’s an AMT fan and lives in one of the most remote cities in the world, so it would probably be more of a quickie than a relationship? Let us know and we’ll set you kids up!
Caitlin from Breckenridge, Colorado chips in:
I heard that one of your listeners works at Disney World and has the issue of too few men. I have been living in a ski town and find I have the opposite problem. There are far more men then women. The solution to your listener’s problem is move to a ski town!
However it is not all that it appears. The saying goes: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” Despite the numbers being in my favor, there are few men that are worth dating. What would your tactic be in sorting out the good boys from the odd ones? Should I create a quiz? Should they have a set of criteria that they must meet?
We couldn’t really venture an answer unless you elaborate upon the nature of the oddness, or even condone assessing potential fun-partners using something as arbitrary as a quiz; but readers, ski down to the comments and let us know your system for sorting the hits from the gits.
Here’s an early Christmas gift from Anonymous Cupcake Lady, whose bakery-based battle with her Office Nemesis thrilled you in AMT271. In AMT272, we learnt that the fancy strawberry swirl cupcakes ‘baked’ by Office Nemesis were out of stock. And today, Cupcake Lady has returned to deliver the latest installment in the saga! This week: will Office Nemesis finally be trapped in her own lies? Read on…
I start work at 7am and my best friend (let’s call her Lindsay) and Office Nemesis both start work at 8am. We are doing a Food Bank drive here at work since it is the Christmas Season and Best Friend had not contributed anything so decided to stop in at the shops on her way to work one day.
Oh yes – guess who she also saw entering the shop a couple of minutes before her? That’s RIGHT! Office Nemesis! Lindsay proceeded to hang back a bit and watch as Office Nemesis entered the bakery section and picked up several batches of red velvet and white chocolate chip Christmas Cookies. Lindsay bought some supplies for the Food Bank and headed into work, Office Nemesis had no knowledge that SHE HAD BEEN SEEN!!!!!
Anyway, of course Lindsay filled me in on her reconnaissance as soon as she got into the office and me (being the bitch that I am) couldn’t resist going down to the Third Floor and seeing what goodies might be on offer on this particular day. Low and behold, a plate of “homemade” cookies.
“WOW – has someone been baking?” I declared.
“Yes – I have! Red velvet and white chocolate chip cookies! I baked three batches last night – getting into the festive spirit and everything,” replied Office Nemesis
“Here – take some up to your boss, I know how much he enjoys my baking!”
So, I walked over to her desk and she proceeded to pull out a few zip-lock bags of cookies! That’s right, guys – she actually transferred the cookies into zip-lock bags so it looked as if she had brought them in from home!! Her cunning knows no bounds!
Anyway, I brought the cookies up to my boss and told him Office Nemesis had baked them. He looked puzzled and said “How on earth did she get them all the same size and shape?”
I gave him a knowing glance and we left it at that. I think her secret might be out!
I’ve decided I feel sorry for Office Nemesis more than anything. She’s obviously all kinds of crazy and I think she probably deserves my sympathy more than anything.
That’s very kind of you, Cupcake Lady, and I assume that’s why you’re letting herself carry on with her hairbrained schemes for individual baking glory, rather than confronting her in the supermarket aisle and giving her a good spanking with a silicon spatula. Or concealing yourself inside a cake, waiting for Nemesis to buy it and take it into the office, at which point you would burst out and reveal her trail of falsehood to all your disinterestedshocked and horrified colleagues. But if you do decide to do that, please ask Lindsay to film it for us.
On this day, dear listeners, we arrive at the final new AMT episode of 2013. We’ll be revisiting some of the Incredible Moments of the AMT year in our Best Of episodes on 12th and 19th December – which as always include some previously unpodcasted Incredible Moments – so please join us for those. Until then, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 280:
In which we learn about:
caterpillars Countryfile
Brian May
isolated stone columns
boring men’s fashion Tinder
Elijah Wood/Tobey Maguire vs Ryan Gosling/Ryan Reynolds
wearing white after Labor Day
public personal grooming Shutter Island spoiler alert
and
pulling at theme parks.
Plus: Olly wouldn’t have his honeymoon at Disney World even if he did get to jump queues and eat free food; if the Zoltar machine in Big had been replaced by a Zaltor machine, Tom Hanks would have received some pedantic grammatical advice from Helen instead; and Martin the Sound Man can’t deal with ultraviolent films like Home Alone.
As we may have noted a few times, the Answer Me This! Christmas album is out now; click HERE to get it. In return for supporting the show with your dosh, you get one hour of all-new AMTchat about the festive period. There’s a little sample of it as this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows).
As well as money, to keep AMT going in 2014 we need your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you back here on 12th December for the first installment of the best of AMT2013,
Helen & Olly
AMT280 Child-Friendly Rating: 92%. Phonecall from an actual 6-year-old. Reasonably innocent hangover chat, and surprisingly clean discussion of hook-up apps. Two class B swears. Beware, there is a spoiler about the end of Big, which is not a film we want to ruin for your children; there’s also spoiler about Shutter Island, which is not a film your children should be watching yet so it doesn’t really matter.
Scott from Bury is a fraction of the man he used to be, and would like to remain so:
Both my girlfriend and I have had some success with calorie restrictive diets, losing 9 stone between us in approx a year and a half. However, we have some more work yet to do and feel that we would get through the last difficult steps of this process much quicker and easier if we had fewer social engagements with friends and family on our calendar (obviously including the gut-busting Christmas and new year holidays coming up).
So answer me this, should we accept a short term life (6 months maybe) as anti-social shut ins to archive our goals? Or is there a better way to get the best of both worlds?
I think you can do both. If you’re invited to something which is very food-focused, eg a dinner party, it’s probably simpler to avoid it than to try to make it work with your diet. A fairly easy excuse is to pretend you’ve already said you’d go to another fixture that evening.
However, if the party involves milling around with canapes, you can survive it: make sure you don’t arrive at the party hungry; bring some diet-compatible snacks if need be; and keep your hands full at all times with glasses, stupid Christmas props, etc. And stay away from the eggnog, which should be easy, since it’s eggnog.
Readers, any tips for Scott to maintain his new slimline frame this festive period?
Here’s some great – albeit crashingly obvious – advice via Paul from Bristol:
In AMT278 you briefly speculated on the erotic uses of Marmite. I was reminded that a friend of mine once told me, “Never put your bollocks in an empty Marmite jar”. Apparently the shape of the jar makes it impossible to remove them again.
Answer me this: is this true, and if I were to test it what excuse do you suggest I give to the staff in A&E?
Paul’s first question: readers, if you have personal experience of this, either as the enterprising bollock-stuffer or the emergency responder who had to extract the bollocks, please tell us all about it in the comments.
Paul’s second question: there are NO possible excuses. The best you can do is saying you did it for a bet. Anyway, why would you want an excuse? If you’ve gone to all that effort to be The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar, you surely want to be known as The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar.
Was at the premiere of Gangs of New York a few years ago and was at the urinals with Leonardo DiCaprio. Most famous person I’ve peed next to. Fairly important to the story that I point out I am in fact a man with the name Courtney and not a crazy lady in the gents.
Pete has raised the stakes to celebripoop:
A few years ago, a friend of mine got us backstage, access all areas passes to the Download Festival. We had access literally everywhere – backstage, artist green rooms, even managed to see some bands sets from the side of the stage. One advantage to this was the ability to use the artists’ toilets and shower facilities backstage.
We had just watched Faith No More on the main stage and headed back for a few beers. The day’s festivities had caught up with me, and by this time I needed the loo. A diet consisting entirely of alcohol and no actual soild food is always going to have a certain effect, and it was with some trepidation that I approached the toilets.
Upon entering the loos, I sensed that this was going to be a sit down visit rather than a stand up, so duly sat down and let armaggeddon commence. Upon finishing, I flushed and exited, but left behind an aroma that satan himself would be proud of. As I left, I held the door for someone who was approaching, only to notice that it was Marilyn Manson. My good nature took hold, and I felt some kind of warning was in order.
“I’d give that ten minutes if I were you” I offered helpfully. Mr Manson just looked at me and casually nodded, and entered the cubicle area, whereupon I heard a distinct muttering of “fucking hell” followed by a clear retching sound. Result!
As we noted in AMT278, a double celebripiss is quite a feat; Dave here certainly found it too much to bear:
I relieved myself next to Dirty Den from Eastenders. Turns out he was doing the panto and staying in the hotel I was in for my school formal.
I didn’t notice who it was at first when I pulled up beside him until our heads turned and we both gave a nod of acknowledgement to one another. I got stage fright and couldn’t go, though thankfully he quickly finished and left.
Thinking I was now free to do my business with out the pressure of a famous face stood within splashing distance, I set about focusing myself on the job at hand, when who should drunkenly burst through the door and stagger up beside me, none other than ex-Westlife singer Brian McFadden. He was a twat. He swayed about and I’m sure he pissed on himself. I left him to it and went back out with a bladder still half full of wee.
Later that night Brian came into our disco and took over the DJing! He was shite. All the girls flocked over to him asking for pictures and autographs and he responded by hocking up a greener and spitting it at them. He was removed/escorted out by the bouncers soon after.
In Brian McFadden’s defence, Westlifers are only happy when sitting on high stools. They should have fitted an extra-high urinal for his needs.
Abracadabra! Alacazam! Bippity Boppity Boo! Hey Presto! And other words stage magicians probably don’t use any more! But as if by magic, out of the false-bottomed top hat Answer Me This! Episode 279 appears:
In which we speak of:
hangovers in London
The Breakfast Club burrito
card tricks
great grandparents (not great-grandparents)
the Masked Magician’s spoilers
Simon Callow’s Vegas spectacular Olly’s fantastic grandma
grumpy old men
and
shutting children up.
Plus: Olly is bewitched by David Copperfield’s hair more than his illusions; Helen got lost on a school trip, which was probably better than being on the fun-drained trip itself; and Martin the Sound Man illustrates why the romance of (500) Days of Summer wouldn’t have worked so well if the action had been transplanted to Croydon.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we consider what wisdom our grandparents passed on. Did yours bequeath any sage homilies or sensible advice? Let us know in the comments.
If you’re as excited as we are about the all-new AMT Christmas album, click HERE to find out more about it and to buy. Your money keeps this podcast going, which hopefully is a good thing in your minds as well as ours.
Also keeping this podcast going are squarespace.com, who are also keeping easy website-building going. For 10% off their services, use the code Answer11; they’re also offering you the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website – if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace. Come on, you competitive-spirited web-builders! PLAY TO WIN!
Finally, please send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Vanishing in a puff of smoke, but really behind a curtain,
Helen & Olly
AMT279 Child-Friendly Rating: 68%. Some swears. Discussion of hangovers, which may corrupt the youth. Deconstruction of some stage magic tricks, which may prove disillusioning to the credulous young mind.
Answer Me This! Podcast 