Here’s a question from Mark from Delaware:
What breed was Schrödinger’s cat?
It was a pedigree theoretical cat. The best breed, in my opinion: it doesn’t moult, piss on the carpet or claw at visitors.
Do any of you know whether or not Erwin Schrödinger actually owned a cat? Since his famous thought experiment involved dead cat, I always assumed he probably wasn’t a fan of the live kind.
Here’s a question of pongs from Tom from Yerevan, Armenia:
I have recently given up smoking and as a result my sense of smell and taste have begun to return, which is bloody wonderful.
I am also dating a lovely Iranian woman who I like very much. However, there is one tiny problem. She wears perfume every day. In fact she wears a lot of perfume every day. Back when I was smoking I didn’t really notice and in fact I quite liked how she smelled, but now I have started to notice with my heightened senses that the scent can be a little overpowering at times.
Furthermore, the perfume she wears is a very popular brand where we live in Yerevan (Armenia) and many older women also wear it.
I don’t want her to stop wearing perfume altogether, but I think I would be happier if she wore less, or maybe switched to something that is a little different to what she wears now.
So please answer me this: How can I tell my wonderful Iranian girlfriend that she smells like an old Armenian woman without causing upset or some sort of difficult diplomatic situation??
First tip: avoid using the phrase ‘smells like an old Armenian woman’.
If my creaking old memory serves, we’ve addressed this problem before – I think one of you had an overly scented grandmother? – and solutions included 1) buying her a watered-down version of the same fragrance, eg the eau de toilette versus the full-power perfume; 2) pretending to be allergic to it by sneezing/painting on a rash. Readers, what would you do? [RWWYD?]
Tom from Derby is trying to friend zone an actual friend. He writes:
How do I break up with someone that I’m not in a relationship with? I have an acquaintance that I have nothing in common with and find conversation with him to be very difficult but he wants to go everywhere with me and invites me everywhere and basically comes on too strong. I think I might be his best friend but I don’t consider him more than an acquaintance and that makes me quite sad.
I tried getting to know him a bit better but I definitely don’t enjoy his company. I’ve tried ignoring his daily texts, Facebook messages and emails but they don’t dry up. I’ve tried avoiding him but he knows my haunts and is often there too.
My “friendship” with him is putting a strain on my real friendships and relationship as he keeps turning up the places that we go. He’s not a horrible person (and neither am I) but we just have nothing in common. I don’t want him to be lonely but I don’t want to see him several times a week for the rest of my life and wish he would pursue other friendships with more like-minded people.
We are both straight men – in case you jump to conclusions.
That’s a tricky one, Tom. I think you’re right to avoid engaging in his frequent comms, but it’s possible your aloofness is making this person even more eager to win your affection – like when you ignore a golden retriever, so they bounce all over you at every opportunity rather than playing it cool.
Readers, what would you do? Advise Tom in the comments. But remember to keep your emotional distance.
Ben in Edinburgh is not speaking our language (our language being the sound of rolls of squidgy lazy flesh slapping against one another):
I am into obstacle course running: tough mudder, rat race etc.
I am due to compete in an event this year called ‘The Unknown‘, a 48-hour event which is basing itself on telling the competitors nothing about what will be expected, and whose aims are ‘to get you to quit before the end’ thus the psychological element of the event is huge.
I am fit and train regularly for 20-mile obstacle course events!
So, answer me this…
How can I train for an event whose obstacles, events, skills required etc are completely unknown and how can I prep myself mentally for such an event?
GUESS WHAT? We are totally unqualified to advise on how to prepare yourself for the Krypton Factor minus the fun! But we’d imagine a lot of readers have put themselves through such events, and/or are currently planning to with the early January fitness fervour. Run (up a cliff, through a snakepit and over embers covered in broken glass) to the comments to advise Ben.
Here’s a question from Ed from Colchester:
A while back, I visited Essex University to take part in a science convention with selected other students. Prince Charles was there, but I didn’t really care as all the stalls had freebies!!!! These ranged from glow in the dark pens to slices of bread.
So answer me this: what are the greatest freebies you have ever retrieved from fairs, conventions, hotels etc???
Olly gets all kinds of good shit because he’s a gadget columnist, but how can free phones and iPads compete with Ed’s FREE SLICES OF BREAD?
Readers, go to the comments and boast about your greatest ever achievement in freebies! (Legal ones. The time you shoplifted from the post office does not count.)
Voice your opinion in the comments if you can think of a way to salve questioneer Peter‘s festive pain:
How can I get out of spending Christmas with my in-laws? My horrible, small-minded, racist, bigoted, climate change denying, Daily Mail-reading, UKIP-voting in-laws.
Or should I just suck it up, try and remain polite and go along?
I and my wife both are Guardian- (and Independent- and BoingBoing-) reading lefty libertarians. I really am not looking forward to three days of my in-laws banging on about immigrants being to blame for everything, as well as the EU, and their trotting out the Daily Mail and Express as evidence that renewable energy doesn’t work and is all just a big con (I work designing wind farms and marine energy installations), even though it reduced Britain’s energy bills by 10% compared to gas last winter! How the recession was really caused by the Germans (not the British bankers) as a ruse to take over Europe again (because, you know, The War).
I’ve had ten of this shit! I despise them. I despise their circular thinking nonsensical irrational arguments, and I regret every moment I waste in their miserly company.
So should I break a leg? Emigrate to Germany or France? Crash the car into a tree so we cannot drive there?
Or should I just suck it up, try and remain polite and go along?
Or something else?
Peter, you’re acting like this torment is all negative, but it does fuel bitchery for you and your wife for a whole year. Perhaps you could intensify this by turning it into a satirical game: your challenge is to access your inner Chris Morris and see just how ridiculous a point of view you can get them to agree with. Brush up on Brass Eye for ideas.
Or take the easy way out and just piss off abroad till January.
(If you can’t afford to go abroad, just tell them you’ve gone abroad and don’t answer the phone or doorbell.)
Meredith from San Francisco confides:
I recently confided to my husband that when I was younger I had a dream of a sexual nature. He was all for details until I got to the part where the leading man in my dream was Skeletor from Masters of the Universe. He was deeply disturbed and assured me that this was not normal.
So Helen and Olly, answer me this…
Are dreams of liaisons with animated characters a normal part of growing up, or am I a complete freak of nature?
Who cares about ‘normal’, eh? Is anyone really normal? And who ISN’T feeling a little hotter under the collar at the sight of this bulging specimen?
Skeletor’s O face
OK, most people apart from Meredith. But it’s pretty mainstream to have crushes on conventionally attractive cartoon hotties like Jessica Rabbit, Marge Simpson and Wilma Flintstone. Is Skeletor really so deviant in comparison, just because his face has fallen off?
Readers, hop into the comments and admit your own cartoon crushes. I bet plenty of you dream of getting into Spongebob’s squarepants.
Although AMT is usually all about fun and frivolity, occasionally we are compelled to share something serious with you, such as this email from long-term listener and questioneer Jessii:
It’s Jessii from St Helens with the piercings. Do you remember me?
Of course, Jessii! How could we forget this and these?
Although I haven’t been in touch in a long time, I do still listen to you guys. In fact, I must thank you as your hilarious conversations and familiar voices have kept a smile on my face through a really tough time recently.
My 27-year-old sister Claire passed away unexpectedly in August from a brain haemorrhage caused by Polycystic Kidney Disease. It has devastated our family, especially since she has a 3-year-old daughter.
Since her death, I have taken to fundraising for PKD to raise money and awareness as a lot of my family have it and Claire’s daughter has a 50% chance of developing it.
Me and my fundraising group have raised money and awareness at our old school’s open evening and had a very successful show night! So far, with gift aid included we’ve raised a total of £1658.75. I have a signed Paul Gascoigne picture on Ebay at the minute with all proceeds going to the charity. My JustGiving page is www.JustGiving.com/careforclaire and has more information about my sister and her condition.
Raising money won’t bring Claire back, of course, but it will help find a cure for other sufferers. So, me this: what are some interesting and effective fundraising ideas??
My ability to raise funds is second only to my athleticism, so readers, I appeal to you to the comments and help Jessii out.
And, of course, do bid on the Gazza picture – an ideal Christmas gift for fans of football and/or troubled people.
Sarah from Washington DC writes:
My personal trainer casually mentioned to me yesterday that he doesn’t believe in evolution. He just threw it in while we were discussing the fact that there are several states in the US that don’t require you to wear motorcycle helmets while riding motorcycles. “At least it keeps the really dumb people from living,” he said. “I don’t believe in evolution or anything, but survival of the fittest!”
Now, my trainer is not your typical “bro” gym rat type person. He is quiet, thoughtful and actually has a masters degree in nutrition and a PhD in kinesiology. His wife also just received a PhD in something or other.
I was very caught off guard when he said that he didn’t believe in evolution. I was rendered speechless and didn’t say anything at all. We aren’t very close and we were in a crowded gym which hardly seemed like the place to get into this debate – but I can not stop thinking about this and it really bothers me.
Answer me this: is it wrong of me to break up with my trainer over this? Should I tell him why?
Any excuse to get out of doing exercise, right? Oh, I don’t know, readers – what do you think? Is it important to share common views with your trainer? Should you refuse to have on payroll a person who holds opinions with which you fundamentally disagree? Let us know in the comments.
This question is from Juma from Reno:
I am 29-year-old male living in Reno Nevada. I am married, and my wife and I have a very comfortable DINK (dual income no kids) lifestyle.
We have lived in Reno for the past three years, so far we have had no luck making adult friends. Is there a modern solution to this issue similar to Tinder or other dating apps? Not interested in anything sexual outside of our relationship, just some fellow DINKS to drink with.
Readers in Reno – and let’s open this out to Carson City, and the greater Tahoe area – let us know if you want to be friend-matchmade with Juma and his wife.
But we receive this question from people all over the place, so go to the comments to answer me this: IS there an app or online service for people to meet like-minded individuals with whom to become non-sexy friends? What is the Web 2.0 version of the church social or neighbourhood watch meeting?
Rebecca from London writes:
My sister is about to have a baby, which means I am about to become an aunt! In fact, I recently realised I will be the baby’s only aunt, which means I feel like I should get it right. I know Helen is an aunt, and I suspect a fun one, or at least I know she likes to lie to her ‘niecephews’.
So answer me this: what do I need to do to be an excellent aunt?
1. Deploy exciting-looking gift-wrapping (the gift within is of secondary importance).
2. Try not to look bored when the kid is telling you an anecdote that doesn’t go anywhere.
3. Teach them to make paper aeroplanes.
4. Don’t bury their grandmother without telling anyone.
That last point is information someone should have given my only aunt. Hindsight is a powerful thing…
Readers, any tips for excellent aunt or uncle performance? Add in the comments.
Xerxes has had thirteen years to stew over this question:
You know the cover of the first The Strokes album, Is This It?
Is that dark patch on the front of the woman a well-placed shadow, or pubes? I’ve never been able to figure it out.
Readers, over to you:
Answer Me This! Podcast 