Archive for the ‘User-generated answers’ Category

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broken legs

May 17, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT214 •••

There’s a new hot trend amongst AMT listeners: broken legs! Lynne from Doncaster started it:

I broke my leg on the 4th of April 2012, well I actually broke my tibia and fibula clean in half. I had an operation to fix it where they inserted a metal rod down my tibia bone and fixed it into place with two screws at the bottom of my leg and two screws underneath my knee.

The physiotherapist sent me home with a leaflet, which says that part of my physio is to clench my buttocks together and release. Answer me this: how does clenching my bum cheeks together and releasing them, fix my terribly broken leg?

You can’t reasonably expect a buttock-clench to knit together broken bones! My guess would be that it is to keep those muscles from completely atrophying while your leg is out of action, and maybe also something to do with blood flow? If you are a physio reading this, please do enlighten us in the comments, for you are wise in the mysteries of recuperation.

Chiara should prepare to clench her buttocks for medical reasons too:

I am currently writing to you from my hospital bed – on Friday a car drove straight into my on my bike, snapping my tibia and fibula clean in two, puncturing the skin. Big owee.

When they operated on me on Friday they put a rod in my tibia, but no cast, so that I was standing on crutches 28 hours later – modern medicine is really quite miraculous!

Answer me this – What is the rod in my leg made of?

Doctors/surgeons/manufacturers of metal implants, please tell us of what Chiara is made. I believe she and Lynne are now technically cyborgs, so we have to answer their questions to keep them sweet, lest they rise from their convalescence couches and go all Terminator on us.

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Kris update: bitch still being bitch

May 16, 2012

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In case you were wondering how fares Kris from Durham from last week’s episode, he has written to update us on how his ex-girlfriend continues to take advantage of him:

Last week she said the animal rescue she worked for needed help with posters for an event as their graphic designer had dropped them last minute. Guess which bloody muggins went and did the work! ME. OK, it was for “Charidee” and it saves little dogs’ and cats’ lives, but you’re right – she’s being a twat.

She even said “This is really fucked up, isn’t it? That I keep asking you for advice on him and all that jazz?” I’m aware it’s beyond cretinous of me to think that this gentleman (who she’s already expressing concerns over, due to his lack of texting in between their dates) has no future and that realistically I can and should try to win her back?

I don’t want to get all Romeo and Juliet on things, but I genuinely love her, it was just a bumpy patch and long distance is a twat at the best of times. Truth be told, we’d discussed the future, and she was drunk.

I’ve genuinely no idea what to do?

We already told you what to do, Kris: CUT OUT THIS SELFISH BITCH. She’s happy to keep stringing you along while she’s exploring other options; she has already shown gross insensitivity in regaling you with tales of her sexual exploits with somebody else; and now she’s also taking advantage of your professional skills for free! Why why why why WHY would you want to win back this prize piece?

Tough love time, Kris – here’s what you have to do:
i) stop answering her calls and emails;
ii) give yourself some time to grieve for the relationship, without her popping up all the time to ruin your progress with learning to live without her;
iii) get some self-respect;
iv) send her an invoice for the posters.

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pot with Pop

May 16, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT214 •••

If you want some of the good stuff, Michael from Ealing knows someone who can get some for you:

With reference to Kevin’s dilemma about wanting to try cannabis – my dad said a very similar thing. However, he was 84 at the time. So, for his 85th birthday I gave him a joint. I was 55 at the time – yes, a child of the 60s, so had a tiny bit of previous! Nevertheless, hadn’t smoked in years, so I did have to source it from a young woman at work who I knew indulged (I run a funky kind of company). Anyway, I had the joy of getting stoned with my dad round the kitchen table. He didn’t know whether it was the joint or his ageing mind that made him keep forgetting things. But, boy, did we laugh!

He died four years later and I’m so glad I was able to fulfil one of his desires to fully experience the world before he went. I’m not advocating trying everything (now a venerable elder myself) and certainly the dope today is nowhere near as safe as it was, but experiencing life is what’s important as long as you don’t harm anyone or yourself. Mind you – that’s a huge debatable question in itself.

It is, it is – and if any of you want to debate that, you may use the comments as your own Model United Nations.

Meanwhile, does anyone else think that Michael’s story is perfect for a sweet multi-generation stoner comedy from one of Judd Apatow’s acolytes? Maybe with Christopher Plummer reprising his Beginners role as the dad, Tim Robbins as the son, Maggie Gyllenhaal as the dealer at work, and Paul Giamatti as the oddball neighbour who wants in on the action. Oh, and in the fictionalised version, Michael from Ealing also should have a strait-laced teenage son who disapproves (but, of course, comes around in the end when he sees how happy his grandpa is in his twilight years). Michael Cera’s a shoo-in.

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Facebaby

May 10, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT213 •••

Gordon here has a problem that didn’t exist back in the days when people had to pay to develop photos:

One of my best friends from school uses a popular Face-themed Social Network that I also use.

I have her in my close friends list because she is nice, and I am interested in funny things she might say, and what she gets up to.

However, for the past year she has had a – admittedly cute – baby. Which she posts pictures of approximately 6 million times a day.

I’m beginning to think she may be a crazy baby lady in the same way I am becoming a crazy cat man.

Is there any way to make her stop posting so many baby pictures without putting her on my ‘acquaintances’ list?

I’ve been considering recreating all her baby pictures with my cats. Would this be too much? I plan to have a baby one day, but hope I can restrain myself from posting so many baby pictures, because it’s pretty annoying, and it’s kind of creepy in a way (babies need privacy!)

I’m right, right?

So answer me this: what do I do?

p.s. my wife agrees with me.

Good, Gordon, good – I’d hate to hear this VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM was causing a breach in your marriage on top of all the other havoc it is wreaking.

As a fellow Facebook user I am, of course, familiar with this scenario; but to be fair to the baby-owners, whenever they post a picture of it, everyone goes nuts over it, so perhaps your friend is just responding to demand. If you really want to deter her, you could start adding faintly lecherous comments to the photos, so that she’s too creeped out to post any more. She will probably also be too creeped out to be your friend any more, but as aforementioned, this is a VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM and thus demands radical solutions.

But, Gordon, since you confessed you are a Crazy Cat Man, I see you as even more of a problem than this woman: if I look to the future, when you have had that baby you talk about, you will forever thereafter crap all over your friends’ feeds with incessant pictures of both the baby AND the cat – and, inevitably, the pictures of the baby and the cat TOGETHER.

So I refuse to help you, but readers, you are welcome to go to the comments to dispense advice to Gordon. Or maybe you can just post pictures of your babies, to wind him up.

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fear of flying

May 9, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT213 •••

Mazel tov to our nearlywed next correspondent, Dominic:

I’m to be married to my beautiful fiancé Laura on Friday 11th May, and shortly afterwards we fly to Mexico for our honeymoon (so you can imagine how helpful it was to learn the history of nachos last week!). This will be an eleven-hour flight with just one problem – I have a pathological fear of flying. This is what happens when you utter the phrase “Wherever you want to go, darling…”

Anyway, answer me this – what can I do for eleven hours on a flight to distract myself from the fact that I am just the grace of God away from plummeting to my death?

Dominic! That’s what they have the in-flight entertainment system for! So that people like you don’t run up and down the aisles screaming with a rosary in your hand, but instead sit quietly watching recent cinema hits (NB take your own noise-cancelling headphones, partly because the ones the airline supplies are rubbish, and partly to block out the perfectly normal plane-creaks that you will interpret as a wing about to fall off).

If your airline is a primitive one with no seat-back TVs, substitute with a gripping airport novel. Or Valium.

Readers, any suggestions to quell Dominic’s terror? Unfortunately it is too short notice for hypnosis or any other form of phobia-curing therapy, so the best he can presently hope for is the psychological equivalent of a nicotine patch.

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waiting to pounce

May 3, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT212 •••

Juan from Venezuela is prowling:

I have a female friend that has a boyfriend, but things with him are not going very well and they surely will break up soon. I really like my friend but I don’t want to look like I’m just waiting for her to break up to ask her out.

So answer me this: how can I confess to this girl without looking that I was with her all this time just waiting for her to break up with this boyfriend?

Does it actually matter that it looks that way? Surely the greater problem is the fact that she is still with her boyfriend. While you may be confident that they are on the rocks, that does not mean she is actually single, and/or open to new offers.

However, you’re clearly going to steam in and proposition her anyway, so I have no counsel for you. Readers, if you would be so kind in my stead, please go to the comments and coach Juan for this moment.

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“I lvovoveee youhjhkkfddssakwrffvzzzzzzzz”

May 2, 2012

You recall David from AMT212, the man who I advised against sending his crush a fake drunken text confessing his emotions? Here’s the next installment of his story:

In the end I didn’t send a soberly-made drunk text that I later regretted, mostly in part due to Helen’s accurate accusation that that would make me a dickhead. No. Instead I managed to send an actual drunk text in which I managed to simultaneously remind him that he was smarting from a recent breakup and also that I am apparently a bit of a loser.

He took it remarkably well, which only made it worse when I managed to send him a second drunk text not two nights ago saying almost exactly the same thing, except this time he didn’t reply. So basically…shit.

Answer me this: what should I do now? Pursue him one more time? Or learn to know when I’m beaten (albeit by my own idle thumbs)?

Firstly, install Drunkblocker on your phone.

Secondly, send him a brief SOBER email apologising for the drunk texts, explaining that you were nervous because you really like him, and then ask him out. On a date. A date for coffee or ice-cream or ANYTHING WITHOUT BOOZE IN IT. At this point you appear to have nothing to lose, so you might as well be honest about your feelings, and in doing so hopefully make some amends.

If he still does not respond, then you’re going to have to deploy your radar to find a new stealth gay. Unless readers have any better ideas? Go to the comments and help out David, and please, do not type whilst under the influence.

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vomitous vocabulary

April 26, 2012

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT211 •••

Here’s a carefully-worded question from Jill from Atlanta, Georgia:

My granny hates the word “guts”. When I used to say it in front of her she screwed up her face into a big frown and made a groan of displeasure. I was surprised that hearing the simple word “guts” would produce such a strong reaction in anyone.

Helen, please answer me this: what words, if any, gross you out like “guts” grosses out my granny?

Sit down, Jill; this is going to take AGES. ‘Thang’. ‘Peeps’ (as slang for ‘people’, not the third person singular form of the verb ‘to peep’). ‘Slither’ when someone means ‘slither’. ‘Trendy’. ‘On trend’, for being just as bad as ‘trendy’ but with pretensions of seriousness. ‘Narnia’. I’m going to have to stop here as all these are inciting a visceral reaction of horror; but readers, head for the comments and bravely tell us the words that make you swallow back the brain-bile.

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gynaedad

April 26, 2012

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Often it is hard to strike up a conversation with somebody you don’t know very well, but not so when you meet Kieran from Bedford:

My dad is a gynecologist and most people seem to know this!

Answer me this: what should I say to someone when they tell me my dad delivered them?

Furthermore! What should I say to women who say they’ve been to see my dad?! The most recent was a dinner lady at school (just as you imagine!), which is not an image I want to imagine!

I’ve found myself in many an awkward situation due to this!

Yes – on your back with your pants off and your feet in stirrups, Kieran! Ho ho ho.

Readers, go to the comments, please, and give Kieran an all-purpose rejoinder with which he can deflect anybody who is keen to discuss how his father has stared up their intimate passages.

Anyway, Kieran, you should be proud of your father – he must be doing a great job, considering how eager these people are to talk about these matters upon which they would usually be so coy.

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criminal mastermind

April 26, 2012

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You don’t win a prize if you go to the comments to help answer this question from Jane from London, but she stands to win a job AND a wig. So help her out, please. She says:

I am a law student and am trying to qualify as a barrister. In order for this to happen I have to fill in lots of horrible application forms and attend lots of interviews in the hope that at the end of it someone will give me a wig, gown and a job. Most of the application forms are pretty standard and not a problem. But one or two of them have ‘joke’ questions, which frankly I don’t know how to go about answering.

For example, one says “If you were on Mastermind, what would your specialist subject be and why?” Answer me this: what the fuck are they looking for when they ask this question? As I don’t believe I’m located anywhere on the autistic spectrum, I don’t have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the wing-spans of birds, or of the Arsenal Football team 1976-1984, or similar! I’m a normal person with normal levels of interests and I don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of anything!

So what do I do? Do I make up something that I think lawyer-y types would find impressive (and risk them asking me about it at interview). Do I just tell the truth? Or do I just have a stab at something I quite like, like ‘the works of Radiohead’ and leave it at that?

You are asking the wrong person, Jane: my Mastermind subject would be “How to poison job applications so you definitely won’t make it through to the interview stage”. Which, now I think upon it, is a sad waste of all that education I received. I should have been able to opt for “Anglo-Saxon pronouns” or “mid-period Henry James novels”, but you have to go for where your real strengths lie.

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long payoff

April 19, 2012

Time for a laugh/”I don’t get it. Oh! Ha” thanks to Tom in Glasgow:

When I was around eight years old, I overheard my mum telling her pal a quirky little joke that made them snigger a lot. The joke was:

Q: what do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim.

I didn’t get the joke at all, but I always remembered it, and even told it to other people several times!

I am now in my thirties and actually have children of my own. I am ashamed to say that I have just reminisced in my brain about that puzzling day when I was eight and have just ‘GOT THE JOKE’ (hehehe snigger).

Answer me this: have you ever heard a joke and taken a long, or as in my case, a very fucking long time to get the punchline?

Oh, plenty! But luckily, in the podcast we can edit out the twenty-year pause.

Readers, please give us all a chuckle today by going to the comments and telling us a joke that we might not get for a couple of decades, or unless our mums explain it to us.

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retaliation

April 18, 2012

Break-ups and revenge: two topics which frequently collide. And here are two questions upon those two topics, so help us out by offering your own advice to our lovelorn questioneers, the first of whom is Dave in Halstead, Kent:

The lady that I was dating for five years, and engaged to for two of those years, decided that we had grown apart. This was after a period of stressful months where we both had job worries and problems finding somewhere to live. The feeling was not the same and I tried everything (within reason) to win her back, and failed. I’m 23 and this is the first proper long-term relationship I have had.

So I decided to go to New York and blow all the money I saved for our wedding on a 5* hotel for a week to get over it, as a start. So answer me this: how would you recommend getting over a difficult break-up, and when is it acceptable to start dating again? And also what cool stuff in New York would you recommend?

I have only ever spent two days in New York, and I’m not sure the Museum of Jewish Heritage will lift your spirits; but as aforementioned, readers, go to the comments and pen a potted travel guide for Dave. And while you’re at it, counsel him upon ways to recover from the emotional fall-out, because while it is excellent that he is spending the wedding pot on a luxury trip for one, we don’t want him to be attacked by melancholia and loneliness while he’s there. Particularly not on top of the jetlag, which only compounds misery.

Next on the subject, Sean from Cheltenham keeps it quick and painful:

My boyfriend of six months was cheating on me with another boy. I want revenge. What should I do?

Though David above is trying the ‘Living well is the best revenge’ tack, Sean might need something a little less dignified. Readers, you bitter and shameless bunch, unleash your inner Glenn Closes in the comments.

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