extracurricular questions | Answer Me This! Podcast

Archive for the ‘extracurricular questions’ Category

sweary child

October 14, 2009

Oh, the shame of it.

We have caused a little problem for ‘Luxembourg’s Hottest Hausfrau’, Vanessa from Luxembourg from Episode 77, regarding her son Tom from Luxembourg, from whom we also heard in Episode 72:

As you know, my son Tom of Luxembourg fame and his dad listen to your show, however Tom has been swearing quite a lot and I fear you guys may have contributed to this.

I am struggling to find a suitable punishment, other than ban him from listening to your show but then his dad would let him listen anyway so that’s pointless. I could shove a bar of soap in his mouth, squirt washing up liquid down his throat. I have thought of having a swear box and fining him but he has no money.

Can you answer me this: How would you two stop an 11-year-old boy swearing?

Well, evidently we can only cause the opposite effect; so readers, any ideas?

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, help! | 12 Comments »

Cinema armrests: Falkland Islands 2.0?

October 7, 2009

** Click here for Episode 111 **

Call the UN – borders are being disputed! A great many of you have written to us with the following question, so it is evidently very very important:

Which armrest is yours at the cinema?

We ~~couldn’t be arsed to devote even a second of thought to this problem~~ have decided to throw this one out to you:

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Tags:movies
Posted in extracurricular questions, Rock the Vote, User-generated answers | 8 Comments »

ladybits

October 7, 2009

** Click here for Episode 111 **

Here’s a bawdy tale courtesy of Rachael from Clerkenwell:

After a work trip to Amsterdam a female colleague described to my boyfriend a live sex show that she’d seen.

Having embarked upon the anecdote, she faltered on realising that their working relationship was relatively formal such as to preclude the use of “sexual swearwords” and the story culminated in describing her boss pulling a long ribbon out the performer’s vagina.

After a moment’s pause to consider the full spectrum of possible euphemisms, she went with ‘flower’, perhaps the most incongruous word she might have picked to describe the lurid act.

Answer me this: have you heard any more ludicrous words used to describe a lady’s furry front bottom than a ‘flower’?

Yes we have, but we have used more than enough whimsical genitalia euphemisms in the podcast, so it seems to me that this is one for you, readers. Got anything stranger than mimsy, flange or botticelli? Comment below!

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 18 Comments »

“Congratulations on cheating death for another year”

October 1, 2009

** Click here for Episode 110 **

Melvyn in Brighton has a problem which we certainly share, so we’re all hoping that some of you have the solution. Melvyn writes:

Please could you answer me this: do you have any funny/witty suggestions that I could write in birthday cards that are circulated around the office? I get on with everybody but not great mates. I’m getting fed up writing the same thing, Happy Birthday, have a good one or Happy Birthday, have a great day! Etc etc.

We’ve all been there, right? It’s upsetting how flimsy one’s imagination proves to be when faced with a blank corner of a workplace card. So please comment below with suggestions that everyone can recycle. And if you don’t come up with the goods, we suggest Melvyn takes to signing the cards in his own blood; even the blandest sentiment can be jazzed up in this manner.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 13 Comments »

Party on in Svalbard

October 1, 2009

** Click here for Episode 110 **

Hey readers! Are any of you Arctic party animals? I don’t mean polar bears, but the kind that frequent night-spots and beatle-drives and whatever. If you are, could you help out Ryan from Woodland Park Co with his homework?

This a really random question but here goes. What is the name of the night club In Longyearbyen Svalbard?

My friend and I are doing a project for school for a brochure for any destination so we decided to do Svalbard. There’s a night club and three pubs said to be in Longyearbyen, but we can’t find their names anywhere so can you help us out please?

If you happen to know the name of any of these places, comment below – although frankly Ryan, the chances of your teacher being able/arsed to corroborate the evidence you present are so slim that you might just as well make them up. They will probably assume you invented Svalbard anyway.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 7 Comments »

The UK: funny old place

September 23, 2009

** Click here for Episode 109 **

British readers, observe your homeland as reflected through the prism of foreign eyes, in this case belonging to Amber from Kansas:

I’m sure everything you know about Kansas comes from T.V., in that it is very brown here, very flat, and sometimes young women are swept away by twisters. Unfortunately, all of this is true.

In turn, everything I know about Britain comes from BBC America, in that you guys like to have wacky races with vehicles, young people hook up in the most lewd and sexy ways, you have giant naked men carved into the side of random hills, and sometimes: Daleks. They happen.

So answer me this you guys: is Britain as marvelous and exciting as T.V. is telling me, or BBCA feeding me a line of, as the Brits say, “rubbish?”

Amber, it’s all true, although I must admit it’s less exciting when you get to see all those things every day. But here’s an idea: Brits, comment below with facts about Blighty that sound like they are bullshit, but are actually true. Come on, it’ll be fun. I’ll start: Amber, guess what – one of the nation’s most famous sailors now lives on top of a massive stick in the middle of a busy London square, surrounded by lions and pigeons. Crazy but true!

Now it’s your turn, false fibbers!

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 31 Comments »

Frequently asked question

September 17, 2009

** Click here for Episode 108 **

We’ve been in this question-answering business for quite a while now, and naturally a handful of questions come up a lot. Some of them are here. But we’ve been receiving the following one an awful lot lately, in various forms , and it’s high time to deal with it.

We know all of you who have this problem are probably suffering from it in a highly individualistic fashion, but this is approximately how it goes in each of its permutations:

I like a girl/boy in my class.
We spend all our time together.
I am 14.
Should I ask her/him out?

Now children, you know we love you. So forgive us if we seem brusque, but YES. DO IT. FOR GOD’S SAKE, DO IT! Partly because acute as the pain of rejection is, that of not knowing can last a lot bloody longer. And partly because getting this question 100 times a week is making us feel ancient and withered inside. Half our lives have passed since we felt the singular, fresh pangs of unrequited teen ardour. Or, in fact, anything. Pass the gin.

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Tags:romance, teenagers in love
Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »

WARNING: CONTAINS IMAGES THAT ARE FUCKING HORRIBLE

September 16, 2009

** Click here for Episode 108 **

After last week’s mild stomach-churners, Daz from Cleethorpes has sent in an email and photos to further tax our gag reflexes. Do not scroll down if you don’t want to lose your lunch, OK? We’ve warned you. Here goes:

Last year my uncle, who lives round the corner from me in Cleethorpes, was bitten on the foot by a spider which was promptly squished flat. Bob’s foot (yes, Bob’s my uncle!) promptly swelled up, causing him to go to his GP.

The doctor didn’t believe poor Bob and told him that UK-based spiders don’t bite and are non-venomous, and prescribed Bob a course of antibiotics. Two weeks and much pain later my uncle’s leg looked like this:

WARNING! Not for the squeamish!

Click on this thumbnail to enlarge. Only, don't.

seriously, don't

Honestly, are you sick or something?

Excuse us a second while we pick our stomachs up off the floor. Ahem. Daz continues:

Helen and Olly answer me this:

Are there any British spiders capable of inflicting such injuries?

And, did Uncle Bob’s doctor know his arse from his elbow? I feel this would be a prerequisite of a medical practitioner!

P.S Uncle bob was out of hospital after about a month and his leg now looks like a massive port-wine stain.

Sorry, Daz – we can’t answer your question because we’re too busy hoovering every nook and cranny in the house, piling conkers in every corner, and constructing an arachnid-proof pod in which to sleep. But well done for sending in a question that manages to combine several different common nightmares in one: spiders, near-death experiences, and mummies’ legs.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 7 Comments »

Three-way at the altar?

September 16, 2009

** Click here for Episode 108 **

So what have you kids got to say about last week’s episode?

Doug from Winnipeg, Canada writes:

I was interested to hear why seven years’ bad luck is thought to be the penalty for breaking a mirror. As the father of a family of Harry Potter fans I immediately thought that the Roman idea of seven-part broken souls must have been an inspiration to Ms. Rowling. I suspect that legal representatives for ancient Rome will be contacting her shortly requesting prompt payment of their share of book royalties.

Holy shit, Doug, are you suggesting that not all the ideas in the Pottery are entirely original? Call up Bloomsbury Books and give ’em hell! Then call up the Roman Empire and tell them they might be on schedule for a comeback.

On a completely unrelated note, Dave asks us this:

After listening to episode 108 I too have a best man-related question. Please help.

The man I want to ask, my best friend, has also in the past had a sexual interaction with my partner. Now my partner thinks this is a little weird. What should I do?

Your lady should hardly be surprised, Dave, that best friends have something in common. But that something would more conventionally be a mutual love of Aston Villa or watercolour landscapes, not her in a state of Rudeness. Perhaps she fears improper thoughts will assault her as the three of you stand in front of the altar, and leave her the wrong sort of blushing bride. Perhaps she fears the secrets that might spill forth during his best man speech. Perhaps she knows more about him than you do and simply doesn’t want a total sexual deviant to be your best man.

Whatever the reason, we are fairly sure of two things: 1. you really don’t want to find out more about it; 2. you don’t want to be forced to choose between your best friend and your wife elect. But listeners, what do you think?

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, Rock the Vote | 4 Comments »

uber question!

September 10, 2009

** Click here for Episode 107 **

We’ve had a plea for help from Alex:

One of my friends is the type of person who argues for the sake of it. He has the ability to reduce people to tears with his ignorance and petulance when arguing or even generally conversating with him.

For example – I asked him what the name of the tiny spaces in between the teeth on a comb are? I said there isn’t a name for it, it’s just one of them things. He wouldn’t let it lie, hunting me down at work, in the pub, via email and text message to give me his interpretation of said question.

I can’t take it anymore, that’s why I’m coming to you for help…

Please can you furnish me one question that will stump him and finally let me win one argument?

Listeners, this is definitely one for you. Unleash your inner pedant, gather your strength and please add your unanswerable questions to the comments below.

PS. Although, “Why are we all here?” has yet to be solved, so Alex might do well to try that first.

PPS. According to Wikipedia and other web reference sources that are probably all quoting the same original pile of Inaccurate, the gaps between the teeth of a comb are called ‘combdrums’. Now can you two stop fighting and get on with bickering over something more useful?

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Tags:pedantry
Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »

Schools lottery

August 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 104 **

Help us out, please, listeners! We’ve had a question from Chris from Aldershot which we can’t answer, because none of us know shit about these matters. But perhaps you do, so we put it to you:

Our son is 2, we live in a bit of a scabby area (Aldershot) but want him to attend a better school which is in Farnham.

Answer me this: At what time should we think about putting his name down for the better school in Farnham to stand a better chance of getting him in?

Any ideas, chaps? Comment below!

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Tags:school
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 7 Comments »

(PG)Tips

June 25, 2009

** Click here for Episode 98 **

There are some subjects which are particularly dear to us, so naturally our question-answering urges were roused by this email from Bobbie from Cincinnati:

Recently, someone asked your advice for new residents of England. Helen mentioned learning to make a proper cup of tea. Which leads me to my question.

Helen and Olly (& Martin) answer me this: what do the “Non English” do wrong when they make tea? I am a tea junkie and would love to know what makes a cup of tea rubbish.

The first problem facing you, Bobbie, is that the most popular tea in the USA is Lipton’s, which is about as likely to make a tasty cup of tea as some eczema scrapings. But assuming you can get your hands on some decent bags or leaves, there are a few useful rules for tea palatability (I will try to keep this brief, as I tend to get far too overexcited on this subject and it is not attractive):

1. Use water that is at the zenith of boilingness, otherwise the resultant tea tastes like someone has been stirring it with soapy pencils. The fresher the water the better, too.
2. Don’t prod the teabag with a sodding spoon, ok? Just leave it to steep for a few minutes! Patience is key to successful tea – which rhymes, therefore must be true.
3. Pyramid or drawstring bags are Stupid. There, I said it.

Of course everyone has their methods (some of which are pure insanity), but what better guide to a good cup of tea than The Olden Times? If the video below is anything to go by, there used to be such a job as ‘tea instructor’. They were clearly hardcore back then.