Archive for the ‘extracurricular questions’ Category

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hairdressers’ hairy feet

April 15, 2015

 

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If there are any hairdressers, trichologists or mythbusters reading this, please go to the comments ASAP to answer this question from Hollie in Reading:

My boyfriend is adamant that hairdressers never wear flip flops because if they get cut hair on their feet it can attach itself and grow!

Is this true?

We have been arguing about it for 5 years and he is wearing me down. It sounds so ridiculous but he is certain and even got a hairdresser friend to tell me ‘the truth’ and she agreed with him! Is he right? Can hair attach itself to other people’s skin?

I would imagine that hair trimmings, particularly short ones, could stick like a splinter into a hairdresser’s foot, hence them choosing more protective footwear. But, just as a splinter in your foot won’t grow into a sapling, NO OF COURSE SOMEONE ELSE’S HAIR TRIMMINGS CANNOT TAKE ROOT AND GROW OUT OF A HAIRDRESSER’S FOOT.

I’m not a scientist, so maybe I’m wrong. But cut hair is dead, so surely I’m not.

Next question: if someone has particularly sweaty feet, could you grow cress inside their damp trainers?

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holiday buddies

April 14, 2015

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Anonymous Man finds himself with an unwanted travel companion:

I am a single gay man in his early thirties. As part of being a gentleman that enjoys the casual shag every now and again, I go get my bits checked in my local GUM clinic 2-3 times a year. Unfortunately, my most recent trip ended with me having a round of applause* in my throat.

I was given a jab in the bum and a several pills as a massive dose of antibiotics, and told to come back in two weeks to make sure all was well and good. However, it will be three weeks until this appointment as I am heading on holiday before then.

The was to be a somewhat sexy holiday, and thus my dilemma is this: should I abstain from sex, even though it is overwhelmingly likely (99.6%, by rough internet research) that I will be cured at this time? As someone that engages in semi-regular casual sex, I’m aware of the risks of having sex with a stranger (that all parties should take into account); in my case, the percentage wouldn’t be based on how adventurous I’d been but on the efficacy of treatment.

I try to be honest and up front (I have contacted all those who needed to know about this bout, in case they need to get themselves checked) about stuff like this, but I think this degree of honesty would probably make the question moot.

Thoughts?

*applause = the clap = gonorrhea – but I’m sure you figured out already.

Readers, what do you think? Would condoms not make this a non-problem even if he’s 0.4% uncured? Provide your medical and sexual advice in the comments.

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One of the great unanswered questions…

March 30, 2015

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A question we are often asked but have never answered is why there are pairs of shoes dangling from telegraph wires.

If this question has always plagued you, I refer you to this short film The Mystery of Flying Kicks, in which several theories are posited, though a definitive answer remains elusive. Sometimes you’ve just got to accept you’ll never know why the shoes are on the damn wires, but I realise this is a bitter milkshake to swallow.

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humanising the human statues

March 17, 2015

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Angela from Seattle writes:

I’m just catching up on a few episodes I missed.

Re AMT287, I see our well known painted statue gentleman walk through the neighborhood to catch the bus quite often. He is also regularly downtown at the bus stop and outside his post at Pike Place. Regularly in the rain with no running of his body paint. It astounds me.

When I see him walking past my house I always want to say hello and invite him in for a drink but alas, what is the protocol there? Answer me this: how does one go about convincing a living statue to come in and chat? (Is that creepy?! I am so curious about how and what he does outside of work.)

Readers, do you think there’s a romantic element to Angela’s interest in the human statue? Does she want to Pygmalion this situation?

Whether you do or not, head to the comments to suggest non-creepy ways for Angela to extend the hand of friendship – and also to discover the secrets of his stay-put make-up.

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Fifty Shades of Prank

March 17, 2015

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We love a good prank and we love a happy ending, so we double-love this correspondence from Richard in Finsbury Park:

In AMT303 you talked about my inappropriate prank on my elderly mum. I had put Fifty Shades of Grey on her Kindle with the names of the main characters changed to my mum and dad’s: Christine and Frank.

Well finally she has read the thing. I was worried she might go ape when she rumbled me. She didn’t. Look at the email she sent me. I think I have the best natured parent on the planet.

Well you little bugger, I have been making such a fool of myself as I thought that the characters in 50 Shades were really called Frank and Christine. It would never have occurred to me that the names throughout a whole book could be changed. This morning in the hairdressers I asked a lady who had read the trilogy why the names had changed in the second book. She said they hadn’t and when I said they were Frank and Christine, Lee said ‘I think someone has been having you on’. Then the penny dropped and everyone in the shop was in stitches. I don’t know how you did it and I had been telling people what a coincidence it was, how silly am I. Dad said, ‘Well, that is a typical Richardism,’ so now you can have a good laugh. Wait ’til you get here and you might find your flies sewn up or one leg off your trousers!

Mum

So answer me this: what can I do to wind her up next?

It’s surely her turn to prank you in return, isn’t it? But if you really want to risk a second round, perhaps some of the AMT squad have some cunning ideas. Readers, go to the comments and suggest a jape. I still think you’ll be hard pushed to beat Richard’s original prank, but I feel you’re up to the challenge.

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“Congratulations! To ME!”

March 3, 2015

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This questioneer asked to remain anonymous, but you’ll know who she is when she turns up wearing a 12-week scan as a fascinator:

We just found out we are having a baby, we want to tell people but you have to wait three months and in calculating when that is, it turns out it’s on our friend’s wedding day…

Answer me this… should we wait until after the wedding or do we do it then, will that be totally stealing thunder?

If I found that out on my wedding day (i.e. if it were the other way around) I would be really happy for them and I think it would add to the day. But obviously that’s me.

Even if it is not just you, Expectant Attention-Embezzler, the odds aren’t great that the newlyweds are eager for you to ‘add to the day’. But you know you don’t have to make your announcement bang on the three-month mark, right? It’s not like if you don’t tell people then, you can’t mention the child again until its 25th birthday.

Readers, what do you think? Tell people the day before? Tell people the day after? Or on the wedding day, stand around with one hand on your stomach and the other batting away glasses of champagne and let Dame Rumour do the rest of the work for you?

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Parlo Italiano

February 17, 2015

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A question about la bella lingua Italiana from Adam, aged 34 and 3/4:

I live in Gillingham in Dorset. I have recently taken a job that divides my time between England and northern Italy. I am just returning from my first week in Italy and I have had a throughly nice time. The people are very friendly, they all speak fantastic English and the job looks perfect for me.

Most of the time the Italians speak in English when I am there so I can join in with the banter around the coffee machine, butthere are other times where they speak in their mother tongue and I can’t understand a fucking word!! They could be mocking me and calling me a massive prick for all I know!?

Please answer me this: how do I learn Italian as quickly as possible? I don’t need to be fluent but enough Italian to be polite and understand at least what subject they are discussing and…so I know if they are calling me a wanker.

Readers, any suggestions? I’ve heard the Michel Thomas Method app is nothing short of miraculous, but I haven’t tried it yet, and also I don’t know how comprehensively it teaches you to recognise whether or not you’re being called a wanker.

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Schrödinger’s cat

February 4, 2015

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Here’s a question from Mark from Delaware:

What breed was Schrödinger’s cat?

It was a pedigree theoretical cat. The best breed, in my opinion: it doesn’t moult, piss on the carpet or claw at visitors.

Do any of you know whether or not Erwin Schrödinger actually owned a cat? Since his famous thought experiment involved dead cat, I always assumed he probably wasn’t a fan of the live kind.

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Bentwaters

February 4, 2015

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Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 19.38.51

Here is a question from Crystal:

I live in a very boring town in Iowa in the United States.

I was actually born somewhere near the Bentwaters air force base as my Dad was stationed there and I have never been back for a visit. I was 3 when we came back to the States so I don’t remember much about it.

Sooooo answer me this – can you tell me something interesting or anything really about where I was born?

I’ll do my best, Crystal.

Bentwaters…

1. …has its own Cold War Museum and Forest Centre!
2. …is near where UFOs were(n’t) spotted in 1980!
3. …is just inland from the charming seaside town Aldeburgh, a must-visit for Benjamin Britten fans!
4. …is a quick submarine-ride away from Old Dunwich, a town which fell into the sea and precipitated the 1832 Parliamentary Reform Act!
5. …is where they filmed bits of Fast & Furious 6, as well as such TV series as X-Fire, Space Cadets and Dog Borstal!
6. …is conveniently situated if you want to visit one of Britain’s most important Anglo-Saxon sites Sutton Hoo, the 800-year-old Orford Castle, and Framlingham Castle which is proud of its chimneys!
7. …is handy for the Suffolk coast, an official Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty!
8. …is also handy if you hate natural beauty and would prefer to visit one of Suffolk’s notorious power stations!
9. …is the starting-point for a magical summer daytrip to the Southwold Maize Maze and the PEASENHALL PEA FESTIVAL!
10. …is only 21 miles away from Wangford, tee hee hee!

That’s ten things, which is quite good going, I think. You’re welcome, Crystal.

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smells like old lady spirit

February 3, 2015

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Here’s a question of pongs from Tom from Yerevan, Armenia:

I have recently given up smoking and as a result my sense of smell and taste have begun to return, which is bloody wonderful.

I am also dating a lovely Iranian woman who I like very much. However, there is one tiny problem. She wears perfume every day. In fact she wears a lot of perfume every day. Back when I was smoking I didn’t really notice and in fact I quite liked how she smelled, but now I have started to notice with my heightened senses that the scent can be a little overpowering at times.

Furthermore, the perfume she wears is a very popular brand where we live in Yerevan (Armenia) and many older women also wear it.

I don’t want her to stop wearing perfume altogether, but I think I would be happier if she wore less, or maybe switched to something that is a little different to what she wears now.

So please answer me this: How can I tell my wonderful Iranian girlfriend that she smells like an old Armenian woman without causing upset or some sort of difficult diplomatic situation??

First tip: avoid using the phrase ‘smells like an old Armenian woman’.

If my creaking old memory serves, we’ve addressed this problem before – I think one of you had an overly scented grandmother? – and solutions included 1) buying her a watered-down version of the same fragrance, eg the eau de toilette versus the full-power perfume; 2) pretending to be allergic to it by sneezing/painting on a rash. Readers, what would you do? [RWWYD?]

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dump a friend

January 21, 2015

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Tom from Derby is trying to friend zone an actual friend. He writes:

How do I break up with someone that I’m not in a relationship with? I have an acquaintance that I have nothing in common with and find conversation with him to be very difficult but he wants to go everywhere with me and invites me everywhere and basically comes on too strong. I think I might be his best friend but I don’t consider him more than an acquaintance and that makes me quite sad.

I tried getting to know him a bit better but I definitely don’t enjoy his company. I’ve tried ignoring his daily texts, Facebook messages and emails but they don’t dry up. I’ve tried avoiding him but he knows my haunts and is often there too.

My “friendship” with him is putting a strain on my real friendships and relationship as he keeps turning up the places that we go. He’s not a horrible person (and neither am I) but we just have nothing in common. I don’t want him to be lonely but I don’t want to see him several times a week for the rest of my life and wish he would pursue other friendships with more like-minded people.

We are both straight men – in case you jump to conclusions.

That’s a tricky one, Tom. I think you’re right to avoid engaging in his frequent comms, but it’s possible your aloofness is making this person even more eager to win your affection – like when you ignore a golden retriever, so they bounce all over you at every opportunity rather than playing it cool.

Readers, what would you do? Advise Tom in the comments. But remember to keep your emotional distance.

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mystery hole

January 21, 2015

guatemala-hole (5)[2]

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Charlie in North Wales writes:

My dad lives in a relatively urban area north east of Birmingham.

Recently we were clearing out the garden when we discovered a concrete slab in the ground, and during its removal we found what appeared to be a small and apparently bottomless hole, around 50cm in diameter.

As anyone would, we decided to investigate, and after looking online at council records and in the deeds to the house, we found no sign of any hole ever being recorded.

With a weight and a piece of string, we discovered it was over 21m deep, bricked all the way, and possibly deeper, due to a thick and wet mud at the bottom that we could not get past. Concerned about the fates of any animals or children who met their demise at the bottom, I have concluded my only hope is you.

So, answer me this: how can it not be recorded, should I be worried and what should I do?

What should you do? Concentrate on not falling down it, Charlie. That’s the main thing.

Should you be worried? That depends on whether you’ll overlook the obvious explanation – that it’s an old well, surely? – in favour of a worrying one, like it’s a vortex ready to suck the West Midlands into oblivion.

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