A question of knuckle-ornamentation from Jack the Gryphon from Darlington:
Which is the correct way to wear a signet ring? Should the top of the signature be nearer to the wrist or the fingernail?
Jack, just wear it whichever way up seems easiest when you’re stamping the sealing wax on all those important covenants that cross your desk.
Unless…you’re wearing it purely for style rather than comms? In which case – readers, kindly go to the comments and advise Jack. I feel queasy if I think about signet rings too long; they remind me of my creepy euphonium teacher from when I was 11, as well as their celebrity spokesmodel Jimmy Savile.
Jason, 28, from Seattle has observed the example of Paul Daniels and wisely exercised more caution:
Recently I’ve become a member of a choir that gives several performances over the year. In the very beginning of our first rehearsal series, I began flirting with a girl from across the room during rehearsals. After a few weeks of this, I finally got the courage to speak to her one night.
We casually chatted about rehearsal, and other random things, until I eventually I asked what she did for a living. She told me she was between jobs. I thought nothing of this, since she seemed pretty well put together, probably in college, and assumed her life was just in transition at the moment. We really only had a minute or two to chat, so we didn’t get into many more details about one another. I was feeling very good about myself, and excited to see her the next week.
During the week however, through some social media investigations, I discovered that this girl is actually still in high school, and 16 years old! I had assumed she was in college, which explained her flakey job answer, and knew she was younger by maybe 5-6 years, but definitely not that young!
I know this girl is off limits and don’t wish to pursue anything further. But my flirting before finding out this information has put me in an awkward situation. I really can’t quit this choir and I now have to attend these rehearsals with her still giving me the flirty eye! Looking back, she was clearly making an attempt to hide her age from me, so I’m not entirely sure how to act around her now.
What do I do?! Should I just pretend it never happened and move on, or let her down easy? Can you think of any other options?
Yes, pretend it never happened! What’s the problem? Avoid one-on-one conversations with her and just style it out. You say you spoke to her for only a minute or two, so you hardly committed yourself there. And she’s sixteen. She’ll get over it, if she was ever even under it.
Here’s a question of table manners from Ben from Taunton:
I absolutely love eating noodles but am unable to savour this delight as every time I do the soup splashes everywhere and creates a mess. It goes over the sofa, over my body (which sometimes burns) and if I have company I am simply too afraid to eat it in case they see what a slob I am.
Please answer me this: how do I eat noodles without creating mess and pain?
1. Wear a rain poncho during meals.
2. Liquidise the soup and noodles together, then drink out of a baby’s sippy-cup.
3. Eat at a dining table, sitting on a chair. Sofa posture will not help you save yourself from the soup-noodle menace.
Another option is not to fight your noodle mess, but to embrace it (not literally, Ben, we don’t want you to scald yourself again). Here are some inspirational materials for you:
Naomi from Birmingham is one of a multitude of people asking us the following question this week:
With the birth of bonny Prince George, I was wondering if there are any contingencies in place for the eventuality that a future monarch is born with a learning disability of some kind? Also what about developmental disabilities such as autism?
I work with children with learning difficulties and am all for inclusivity and accessibility, but I have been wondering what actions and plans would be taken if this were the case?
Historically, if a monarch has been deemed incapable of ruling, they will be subbed by their regent, the next in line to the throne. So if – heaven forfend! – anything happened to our glorious majesty, Prince Charles would step in. (And just imagine the suspiciously fragrant smoke that would subsequently stream out of the bathroom window at Buckingham Palace.)
Our next question comes from a lady known only as A, who says:
I’m in a dilemma. I know this guy who I met at an event last year and he is way older than I am. We kept in touch but kinda lost touch for a few months. Then about a few months after that we bumped into each other and he and i got back in touch and started emailing each other. Those emails got quite intimate and personal.
We soon met up and had a quiet lunch in January. Then we kept emailing each other and pretty soon we both confessed that we want each other sexually but there’s a catch: he’s married and has a daughter and wants me the way it’s written in Fifty Shades of Grey. I am into that whole thing but just on paper and haven’t even tried that whole spanking and tying up bit.
He is heading abroad for a month and when he’s back we are planning to get busy. My gut is telling me not to do so, but my mind is saying something else as I have just started an awesome new job and have got my life in order.
What should I do? Should I just give into what he and I want or push him aside? We have been friends since day 1 so that seems to be out of the question.
It seems out of the question to you only because you’re so DISTRACTED BY THE YELLING OF YOUR LOINS.
I’m assuming from your penultimate paragraph that you’ve taken leave of your senses. You’ve just started an awesome job and got your life in order – so now would be the optimal time to mess everything up? For…karmic balance? Colour me baffled.
By all means go ahead and experiment with your BDSM fantasies, but choose somebody who is unattached with whom to do so. The Fifty Shades scenario is already one in which the man controls the woman; don’t tip it further to your disadvantage by enacting it with a married man, because you will have ever little dominion as time passes. And you should be especially cautious about enabling somebody else’s extra-marital funtime because you sound like you’ve already grown emotionally attached even before you’ve deployed the bondage kit.
Readers, if you have anything to say about A’s Fifty Shades of Folly, go to the comments and do so. But she’ll probably never read this post through her blindfold made of lust and neckties.
We receive a lot of questions about the perils of cohabitation, and here’s a tricksy one from an anonymous man:
I am living in a flat with my fiancé and my best friend. The reason my friend is living with us at the moment is because he is unable to afford a place on his own.
My fiancé and I are looking to move into a house with each other, and when I told my friend he thought he is coming with us.
My fiancé is mad at me because I haven’t told him that he can’t come and I’m scared if I say this to him he will befriend me! What should I do and say?
You’ve got to just come out and say it. “So [friend], when we move into our new place, do you have an idea of where you’ll be going?” seems adequately tactful, but if you’re too wimpy even for that, then just tell him about the one-bedroom place you’re hoping to move to. If that doesn’t work, revise ‘one-bedroom’ to ‘bedsit’. And if that doesn’t work either, start banging on about the tiny house movement.
Readers, come to Anon’s assistance and offer your friend-ousting suggestions in the comments.
You wouldn’t throw an original Hockney into a swimming pool, but is body art more washable? Gemma asks:
How long do I have to wait after getting a tattoo to go swimming?
We’re not experts on tattoo preservation, but surely some of you readers have practical experience which can answer this question. Do so in the comments. The future blurriness of Gemma’s ink is down to you.
Presumably the reason why so many people have dolphin tatts is because they’re water-compatible. Right?
The following question from Kev wouldn’t be too weird if he worked in a strip joint. But, he doesn’t:
I recently started working at a call centre for a bank. I am nearing the end of my training, and a couple of days ago I met with the team I am to join, and my prospective manager. They all seem perfectly likeable, and my manager – a woman in her mid-forties – is very welcoming. But during this brief meeting she announced that she plans to organise a day of pole dancing for the group, which I do not like the sound of at all.
I realise that in the corporate world this kind of thing is important for team building etc, and as a new member of the team I could perhaps benefit from an event at which I would have a chance to socialise with my future colleagues, but I simply do not want to go. I don’t like doing even vaguely work-related things outside of work as this is not a career I wish to be in for a long time and there are things that I am passionate about that I could be doing with my spare time. I also think that either watching or doing pole dancing sounds completely boring; not because I am a man, but because it’s just not my thing.
I tried to find out when it was to make up a prior engagement, but I was told that the date of the event is yet to be decided based on our schedules.
So, answer me this: What do I do? Do I make up a weak and potentially transparent excuse and not go? Do I go, and have a very uncomfortable, unpaid day constantly thinking about what else I could be doing with my time? Or do I outright and honestly tell my manager that I do not want to go as I don’t think I would enjoy it or get much out of it? Would that result in her making my life at work harder than it needs to be?
Even though we discussed in AMT221 how pole dancing can be an athletic discipline rather than a purely sexy one, this does not seem to be an APPROPRIATE WORK ACTIVITY. Can you suggest an alternative?
If not, and you’re determined not to go, just tell her you have a long-standing spinal or muscular complaint. Pole dancing is physically demanding, and your manager is unlikely to want you to be laid off work with a slipped disc.
Readers, any other ideas? I’m not best placed to help, since I’ve managed to get myself out of all such situations by working on my own since 2005.
KLAXON! AMT LISTENER IN DISTRESS! It’s Lachlan, who writes:
I have just been dumped by my girlfriend of one year.
Recently I attended a music festival, where I got very drunk and ended up making out with another girl. Because I was so drunk, I cannot even remember this girl’s name or what she looked like.
As I could never lie to my girlfriend, I told her everything the second I got back. She was obviously extremely saddened by this, and as much as I tried to tell her that it is not something I would ever have done if I was sober, for obvious reasons she says she can never trust me again and she can’t stop thinking about me with the girl.
We have always been very close and I have never lied to her. Answer me this: WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO TO MAKE HER TRUST ME AGAIN?!?!
Unfortunately, Lachlan, I cannot offer you a quick fix to regain trust. It will take time, and willingness on both sides to overcome this incident. I imagine you have already gone strong on contrition, but you could also demonstrate your commitment to such a thing not happening again by giving up drinking.
Readers, if you have any suggestions for Lachlan convincing his girlfriend to give him a second chance, deliver them in the comments, as well as tips for him avoiding getting himself into similar scrapes again. For instance, wearing a welding mask to music festivals would preclude extra-curricular kissing.
Following last week’s discussion of Red Bull, Timothy and Melissa in Australia sent the following inquiry:
Energy drinks contain a shitload of taurine so answer us this: what is taurine?
Taurine, nicknamed NH2CH2-CH2SO3H, is a sulfonic acid that is already sloshing around in your human body performing many important functions in your heart, muscles, blood, nerves and bile. Bile? Bile. Yes. Taurine was first discovered in ox bile, and thence came the bull in the name Red Bull.
Although your Red Bull only contains synthetic bile these days, it has maintained the authentic flavour of a bull’s puke.
This question from Margaret in Indiana is the kind that some people spend their whole lives trying to answer*:
I was listening to the lightbulb jokes on last week’s episode, and I had a question:
What is the best joke?
*Not me, though. I am not especially fond of jokes. Therefore I delegate to you, readers, the task of going to the comments and submitting your best joke. The winner gets to be plagiarised by everyone else forever.
Go on, by the end of today I expect the comments section to be like this:
When I say that this question from Will from Bristol is draining, I mean it is even more so in the emotional sense than in that of drawing off liquid. Here goes:
Answer me this: how on earth are you meant to clean a sieve successfully? It’s always the item I leave to the end of the washing up due to its annoyance. Is there a kitchen tool out there for aiding in the process if cleaning a sieve?
Yes. A BRUSH.
And if that’s too commonplace and sensible for you, Will, find a fencing champ and ask them what they use to clean their mask.
Answer Me This! Podcast 