Answer Me This! Podcast

Following Matthew from Colchester‘s question in Episode 68 about why white heterosexual ghosts seem to have a monopoly in the spirit world, Matt from Barnehurst has noticed another Shocking Inequity from Beyond the Grave:

I have always wondered why are all the ghosts that people claim to see from the Victorian age, why are there no cavemen ghosts walking about the place? Plus if there were such things as ghosts, wouldn’t there be over 30,000 years worth of them, rather then from a small period in time?

The plot thickens! Where are all the ghosts of 400BC or the 1980s? If any of you have connections with the Afterlife, be a dear and ask a spectre to come and explain it to us, preferably via the medium of whispering in an unnecessarily sinister way or making the toaster levitate.
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After Maurice’s question in Episode 65 regarding people one confuses with other people, Will has sent us this corker of a celebrity mix-up:

Like your listener who used to get Billy Bragg and Melvyn Bragg confused, I used to get George Orwell, Orson Welles and H. G. Wells confused.

Easily done, Will – after all, have you ever seen them in a room together?

Meanwhile, Wade has been in touch following Sarah from Gaytown‘s plea in Episode 64 for methods of cooling the ardour of an unwanted suitor:

I’m 16, and i managed to use a foolproof way of ridding attention from females who are about my age.

This is all NOT TRUE. But she fell for it =)

A smiley well-earnt, Wade! Creative lying at its finest.

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If you’re reading this, Mark from Minnesota, we hope your quest for a suitable wife is going well. As well as our cast-iron advice in Episode 63 you might like to take into account these tips from Richard:

Among my friends we have developed a simple 4-point checklist to determine the suitability of a potential girlfriend. These are in approximate order of consideration, and she shouldn’t fail more than one of them at any rate, but failing (1) is much worse than failing (4).

Hope that helps your listeners find love.

Keep us posted regarding your progress towards marital happiness, Mark.

We’ve also received a little tip for Sarah from Gaytown in Episode 64 from Sarah from Cornwall:

I thought I’d share my own unique way of dealing with unwanted male attention. During a conversation, suddenly affect a pained expression and say ‘would you excuse me a second, I have to go to the bathroom…my balls have got caught up in my thong.’ Works every time!

So coy, Sarah.

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I’m sure you’ve all been agog to know what Dan the office poacher from Episode 62 succeeded in nabbing before he was shown the door. Here’s the inventory:

I made off with copious pens, god knows how many pads to help my girlfriend who’s at uni, enough envelopes to run a post office, post-it notes to leave me hilarious notes around home like “Get a job loser”, staplers – spare one for Olly if he wants – and my footrest stool (good for posture when nerding it at home). But my piece de resistance was my office chair – distinctively green and comfortable. All of which is now at home.

My next question is: How can I convince my former work colleagues who come to visit that I procured this through proper channels without having to sweep it all under the carpet when they come round?

The answer to that, Dan, is: don’t! They will be super-jealous that you were so audacious to nick a pile of stuff from the mothership, especially when they realised you managed to sneak out large pieces of furniture under your coat. Ah, if only you had put your wiles to good use rather than petty crime…

Hiccup-related missives are still trickling in since Episode 58, including this eerie question from Steve:

All the suggestions for curing hiccups were probably almost useful for normal people, but answer me this – do you know of any ways to cure the hiccups of our unborn child? It’s getting kinda creepy to watch!

Um…tell the foetus to drink a glassful of amniotic fluid from the wrong side? I fear this cure from Nicole in Kent won’t work on embryos:

If you get the hiccupper at the front and get everyone to stare at them and say HICCUP they should stop.

Yup. They should stop and burst into tears because of all the chanting bullies.

On the back of Episode 59, Nicole also offers a rather less intimidating homework dodge:

Say your water bottle leaked and made it completely illegible; just wiggle lines on a page then run it under a tap to do this.

It’s certainly less of a risk than this one from Doug in Jersey:

This excuse saved me the other day: how about I made my homework into a aeroplane and it got hijacked?

Those teachers in the Channel Islands must either have mischievous appetites for absurdism, or simply not give a shit about their jobs at all.

Finally, following Episode 61, Krabbers reveals who would appear in his ultimate Celebrity Superwank:

I would like to see Vera and Jack Duckworth in a swappsy party with Richard and Judy.

Yum.

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On the back of George from Aberdeenshire‘s question in Episode 60, regarding bugs which use the human skin much as a mole treats a village cricket pitch, Charlie has written in with the following nightmare-inducer:

I think they were thinking of the bot fly, which does indeed lay its eggs under animal skin (can be human) and then when the larvae hatch they pop out of your skin. This has happened to someone I know when in Africa, but I think they are indigenous to quite a few countries. Pretty rank! To treat them you supposedly cover the eggy skin areas with Vaseline to suffocate/kill the eggs/larvae, although this may be an old wives’ tale. Nice.

There are also lots of nasty wormy type things, generally found in Africa, that infect humans as part of their life cycle, and that you can sometimes see under the skin e.g. guinea worm, or wiggling across the front of the eye e.g. loa loa filariasis. Mmmm. Not sure about the worm that would jump out of the loo and up your urethra though…!

It’s not a worm, Charlie, it’s a fish! In fact Gene wrote in to identify it as the candiru fish; apparently its urine-ascending powers are mere rumour, but as a precaution you might as well take a tea-strainer with you the next time you need to piss in the Amazon.

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