Answer Me This! Podcast

** Click here for Episode 77 **

Episode 77‘s anonymous question about stiffies on the bus has unsurprisingly invited an animated response, firstly from Chris from Cardiff:

I just thought I’d write in to tell you an interesting (though somewhat useless) nugget of information – yes it is caused by the vibrations on the bus, it is known as a ‘Bus Cock’, and that is where the band The Buzzcocks got their name from.

Good nugget, Chris! Then, the charmingly-named Slagtits got in touch with a rock-solid solution to the potentially embarrassing problem:

I recall long ago….well not that long ago really mind you…. when I had the same problem. No matter how hot it was, I would always be seen, on the way to work, wearing my overalls, just in case I had a visit in the downstairs area. If only I had the “Stiffies underwear”. This invention was on our national T.V. broadcaster A.B.C., a programme called “The new inventors”. It is of a pair of underpants that will “redirect” your sprouting wood.

Ingenious! If you’re keen to purchase a pair of tumescence-restraining underpants, head over to www.stiffiesunderwear.com. They’re the perfect Christmas gift for the reluctant Priapus in your life.

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** Click here for Episode 77 **

Thanks to the discussion of bee sex in Episode 75, Will flagged us down through the AMT!P Facebook group to avail us of the existence of hot porny bee vids.

“That’s right, it’s real bees, GOING AT IT!” cries Will excitedly. And he’s right:

NSFW! And also not safe for those who are traumatised by misplaced apostrophes; these delicate souls should just watch this saucy pair of boffing bees instead:

Or, if you prefer a bit of Lady-on-Lady action:

Once you’ve recovered from this fluster-inducing sexyfun, here’s a more serious bit of feedback from John from East Yorkshire:

I was disgusted, nay disappointed, nay disgustapointed to hear you talking rubbish about bees being mainly male. All worker bees are female as well as the queen, only the larger drones are male, and their sole purpose is for breeding. In winter the lady-bees kick the drones out of the hive so that they don’t have to feed them and all the males die. I’m surprised the multitude of bee-keepers who must listen to your podcast have not inundated you with this correction.

Jeepers. Lady bees sound an awful lot like Germaine Greer.

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** Click here to hear Martin the Sound Man’s song on BBC6’s Introducing with Tom Robinson **

We’ve received a couple of ripostes to discussions held in Episode 76, first of all Emma from Blackpool in response to Tibi‘s question about shiny army boots:

I do CCF in school and we shine boots not only for respect but putting polish on boots can make them waterproof and also more comfy. In a camouflage situation you don’t want shiny boots as it will show you to the enemy.

Thanks for the tip, Emma; next time our mums tell us off for wearing scuffed shoes, we will tell them that we are just doing our best to avoid ambush.

Next, the lovely Rachele from Naples weighs in on the debate sparked by Amy from Essex‘s question:

Guys!! How could you diss the bidet in Ep 76?? We have them in Italy. In every house. You wash yourself with them. Front and back – not just when you’ve had a shit, but in the morning – for hygiene. And when you have your period (sorry to get graphic here, but you did start it…) they are great, and you can return to them more than once in the course of the day. Yes, you can have a shower, but these allow for better precision and thoroughness – and ease of access. Bidets are a gift to civilisation and wherever I end up living in the world, I will get one installed, if it means importing it from Italy…

Of course, Rachele is just trying to ensure her shares in Bidet After Tomorrow remain buoyant…

We’ve also had some emails regarding Episode 75, so if you can remember that far back, strap in and read what Beth from Cambridge has to say about our contemplation of famous last words:

I’m so glad Martin pointed out the ‘Kiss me Hardy’ error when you were discussing famous last words. My surname is Hardie. My music teacher insisted on yelling “Kiss me Hardy!” across the room in front of everyone whenever I turned up for a lesson. This started after my first lesson in my first year, which didn’t do much for my street cred as you can imagine. I also found it pretty irritating due to the fact that not only is it a misquote, but my name isn’t even spelt the same way. Furthermore, with hindsight, it’s a bit odd for a middle aged teacher to demand a kiss from an 11-year-old regardless of the educational value of the Nelson context…

Well, there’s mild dissent on the wall of the Answer Me This! Facebook Fanclub about the veracity of the whole Kismet/Kiss Me confusion, but I’m sure all our listeners would agree that a teacher publicly soliciting smooches from a child by alluding to dying naval captains is in altogether poor taste.

Lastly, following our mention of the recent charming-sounding film Donkey Punch in Episode 74, Jay has some advice for Olly:

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that, according to the official site for Donkey Punch the movie, one can read interviews with director Olly Blackburn. Is this your nom de video nasty? The usual way to disassociate yourself from a movie you don’t want to be part of is to call yourself Alan Smithee , not use your actual name and then add a fake last name.

Dammit! Rumbled, Olly, rumbled! Next time, be more subtle. Actually Olly has recently revealed what he does for a day job, and it doesn’t involve films about sexual practices that combine bumming and ABH. Although who knows – by Episode 12 it might.

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After we speculated upon what American chums might crave as gifts from the UK in Cairn‘s question Episode 72, Peter from Chicago has been in touch a few sensible recommendations:

Cricket bat: Although you may find it hard to believe, most Americans wouldn’t know where to get a cricket bat if their lives depended on it.

Snooker table: Not one of those scaled down 10-foot American versions, a full 12-foot long British one. This will be too large for carry-on.

Tea: Many in the United States might not get the concept of tea not in a tea bag, so you may have to explain just how to brew tea without a tea bag.
I’ve always wanted a tea tin in the shape of police call box.
(Yes, I’m a fan of the old Dr. Who. My grandmother even knitted me scarf like Tom Baker.)

Thanks for the native advice, Peter! Although in these paranoid times I think it could be quite hard to get a cricket bat across the pond. Willow has on the prohibited substances list ever since Bin Laden used it to reinforce his garden fence.

Just for you, Jim: a recently spotted cheese wedding cake

On the back of the same discussion, we also received an impassioned response from our US food expert Jim in New Jersey:

Yes! The best and most desired British foodstuffs here in America are your cheeses. Good lord, you don’t know how lucky you are. American cheese is cheap, spongy, and flavorless. We even have an entire state (Wisconsin) devoted to cranking out tons of the stuff, most of which ends up being given away for free to poor people. But a good piece of Stilton, say, is pure heaven.

So if any of you British listeners are swinging by New Jersey anytime soon, be kind and drop off a care package of cheese to Jim. Of course it may be difficult to transport Stilton across the Atlantic since Bin Laden nominated it as his favourite baked potato topping – or for the reason that Alan from famed cheese county Cheshire points out:

I thought that US immigration prohibited visitors from bringing animal and plant derivatives into the country. So answer me this: is it legal to take cheese to America, or were you just trying to get your listener a very intimate experience with a US immigration officer?

You’re right, Alan – we lost our sense and distributed irresponsible advice. Such is the power of a fine cheese.

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In Episode 72, we answered Paul from Eastbourne‘s question about swearing on the Bible in court with all the savvy of people who think Ally McBeal was an accurate depiction of the legal process. Fortunately Saira from Kent has elaborated on the process:

I’m a Fingerprint Expert and have to give evidence and we are given the choice of taking the oath or the affirmation. The oath is ‘I swear by almighty God that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’ You don’t say ‘so help me God’ at the end unless you are on a film set where they obviously try and spice it up a bit. You can replace God with Allah or whatever deity your religion prefers. The affirmation is ‘I do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that the evidence I give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’

So we can still swear on Almighty Zeus! What a relief. I think he was getting really worried that nobody takes him seriously anymore.