Answer Me This! Podcast

** Click here for the Best of Answer Me This! 2008 – Part I **

Since Daniel from Gosport raised the subject in Episode 79, we’ve been very much enjoying your tales of embarrassing teachers. Miranda has another doozy:

The most embarrassing thing my teacher has ever said to me was during my sex education lessons in GCSEs. She first asked us who had had sex, and insisted we all put our hand up if we had. After about 10 mins of this half the class had their hands up, and then went on to talk about the positions she had done, and how it was enjoyable.

I wonder what her motive was for such bizarre behaviour. Perhaps she was trying to cement the link between sex and extreme shame, so that you all keep your pants on well into your thirties, thus dropping the teen pregnancy rate.

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** Click here for EPISODE 79 **

Happily, Daniel from Gosport‘s tale of his artificially tumescent teacher in Episode 79 has compelled you lot to share other stories of embarrassing teachers. First, Adz from Birmingham:

In English, 2 years ago, my teacher was quite attractive. Actually, she wasn’t all that, but she once unknowingly let me see an awesome cleavage shot. Anyway, she was typing on the computer which was linked up to the whiteboard so everything she typed was projected. She wrote “Analysis” (we were studying Shakespeare), but stopped at the L, and left it there deliberately.

Another time, she told us about how she was having a *family* discussion with her brother about how he uses his nasal hair trimmer for his pubes. The she went all red-faced and shut up while the whole class sat there in stunned silence.

Twice shudder-inducing. But which is worse, teachers trying to be bawdy or funny? Cri from Sudbury‘s teacher attempted a double combo:

The weirdest thing one of my teachers has ever said is “My name is Helga, I am a Transylvanian transvestite.”

His name was Steve and he was an English electronics teacher. It was scary

This reminds me of the first time I met my piano teacher, when I was eleven. He was wearing a vividly-patterned jumper, and said, “This isn’t a jumper, this is my skin!” Later, when the room was choked with the smell of his sweat, he said, “The room smells funny – I think it’s these biscuits.” I have never encountered a digestive biscuit before or since which had an odour akin to human B.O., but perhaps I have led an unusually sheltered existence.

Any more for any more? Comment below, please! Or, if you yourself are an embarrassing teacher, do share your favourite cringe-making manoeuvres!

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** Click here for EPISODE 79 **

In Episode 79 Stephen asked what the point is of neckties; and Sarah from Gaytown has a theory, albeit one that suggests she has ONE THING ON HER MIND:

Ties aren’t for anything more than to draw attention to the penis. Which is why it has an arrow right to the crotch.

Girls ought to go after bow ties – smart and wants his face to be seen before his cock.
Then again he might not have much to point to.

Sarah from Gaytown, we think we may have found your perfect chap:

Bow ties: nothing to do with the genitals

Phwoar and phwoar again.

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** Click here for Episode 77 **

In Episode 77, James from Royal Holloway University described the unfair ribbing he received from his ‘friends’ for his unbrutish telephone conduct when phoning for a pizza. Happily, Jack from Leeds has confirmed that James was very much in the right by not launching into his order straightaway, by giving the inside scoop on being the person on the other end of the phone:

Being a spotty 16 year old in need of some spending cash, I AM a pizza boy, and have a personal gripe about this. Here is Dr. Jack’s run down of ordering a pizza.

Please, for pizza boys/gals’ sakes everywhere, adhere to these simple rules and life will be much easier.

Bam! Clear as Fox’s Glacier Mints. Consider this aspect of 21st-century etiquette established, like curtseying when you meet the Queen.

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** Click here for Episode 77 **

Episode 77‘s anonymous question about stiffies on the bus has unsurprisingly invited an animated response, firstly from Chris from Cardiff:

I just thought I’d write in to tell you an interesting (though somewhat useless) nugget of information – yes it is caused by the vibrations on the bus, it is known as a ‘Bus Cock’, and that is where the band The Buzzcocks got their name from.

Good nugget, Chris! Then, the charmingly-named Slagtits got in touch with a rock-solid solution to the potentially embarrassing problem:

I recall long ago….well not that long ago really mind you…. when I had the same problem. No matter how hot it was, I would always be seen, on the way to work, wearing my overalls, just in case I had a visit in the downstairs area. If only I had the “Stiffies underwear”. This invention was on our national T.V. broadcaster A.B.C., a programme called “The new inventors”. It is of a pair of underpants that will “redirect” your sprouting wood.

Ingenious! If you’re keen to purchase a pair of tumescence-restraining underpants, head over to www.stiffiesunderwear.com. They’re the perfect Christmas gift for the reluctant Priapus in your life.

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** Click here for Episode 77 **

Thanks to the discussion of bee sex in Episode 75, Will flagged us down through the AMT!P Facebook group to avail us of the existence of hot porny bee vids.

“That’s right, it’s real bees, GOING AT IT!” cries Will excitedly. And he’s right:

NSFW! And also not safe for those who are traumatised by misplaced apostrophes; these delicate souls should just watch this saucy pair of boffing bees instead:

Or, if you prefer a bit of Lady-on-Lady action:

Once you’ve recovered from this fluster-inducing sexyfun, here’s a more serious bit of feedback from John from East Yorkshire:

I was disgusted, nay disappointed, nay disgustapointed to hear you talking rubbish about bees being mainly male. All worker bees are female as well as the queen, only the larger drones are male, and their sole purpose is for breeding. In winter the lady-bees kick the drones out of the hive so that they don’t have to feed them and all the males die. I’m surprised the multitude of bee-keepers who must listen to your podcast have not inundated you with this correction.

Jeepers. Lady bees sound an awful lot like Germaine Greer.

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** Click here to hear Martin the Sound Man’s song on BBC6’s Introducing with Tom Robinson **

We’ve received a couple of ripostes to discussions held in Episode 76, first of all Emma from Blackpool in response to Tibi‘s question about shiny army boots:

I do CCF in school and we shine boots not only for respect but putting polish on boots can make them waterproof and also more comfy. In a camouflage situation you don’t want shiny boots as it will show you to the enemy.

Thanks for the tip, Emma; next time our mums tell us off for wearing scuffed shoes, we will tell them that we are just doing our best to avoid ambush.

Next, the lovely Rachele from Naples weighs in on the debate sparked by Amy from Essex‘s question:

Guys!! How could you diss the bidet in Ep 76?? We have them in Italy. In every house. You wash yourself with them. Front and back – not just when you’ve had a shit, but in the morning – for hygiene. And when you have your period (sorry to get graphic here, but you did start it…) they are great, and you can return to them more than once in the course of the day. Yes, you can have a shower, but these allow for better precision and thoroughness – and ease of access. Bidets are a gift to civilisation and wherever I end up living in the world, I will get one installed, if it means importing it from Italy…

Of course, Rachele is just trying to ensure her shares in Bidet After Tomorrow remain buoyant…

We’ve also had some emails regarding Episode 75, so if you can remember that far back, strap in and read what Beth from Cambridge has to say about our contemplation of famous last words:

I’m so glad Martin pointed out the ‘Kiss me Hardy’ error when you were discussing famous last words. My surname is Hardie. My music teacher insisted on yelling “Kiss me Hardy!” across the room in front of everyone whenever I turned up for a lesson. This started after my first lesson in my first year, which didn’t do much for my street cred as you can imagine. I also found it pretty irritating due to the fact that not only is it a misquote, but my name isn’t even spelt the same way. Furthermore, with hindsight, it’s a bit odd for a middle aged teacher to demand a kiss from an 11-year-old regardless of the educational value of the Nelson context…

Well, there’s mild dissent on the wall of the Answer Me This! Facebook Fanclub about the veracity of the whole Kismet/Kiss Me confusion, but I’m sure all our listeners would agree that a teacher publicly soliciting smooches from a child by alluding to dying naval captains is in altogether poor taste.

Lastly, following our mention of the recent charming-sounding film Donkey Punch in Episode 74, Jay has some advice for Olly:

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that, according to the official site for Donkey Punch the movie, one can read interviews with director Olly Blackburn. Is this your nom de video nasty? The usual way to disassociate yourself from a movie you don’t want to be part of is to call yourself Alan Smithee , not use your actual name and then add a fake last name.

Dammit! Rumbled, Olly, rumbled! Next time, be more subtle. Actually Olly has recently revealed what he does for a day job, and it doesn’t involve films about sexual practices that combine bumming and ABH. Although who knows – by Episode 12 it might.

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