Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

Use the subtitles must you!

May 4, 2010

** Click here for Episode 133 **

Last week we wondered how Yoda’s syntactical mischief is expressed in other languages. Tom from Battersea sheds light on the linguistic larkery:

Re: Star Wars in other languages, I couldn’t resist piping up, as I spent a year in my early twenties making replica light sabers in an Umbrian hill town. I was so poor I lived off stale panettone and coffee for weeks at a time, and it was so cold in my tiny flat that the oil set hard in my cupboard.

Wait right there, Tom – this sounds like a promising scenario for a rom com! Do any of you readers have an in with the greenlight guy at Universal?

Il Maestro Yoda does indeed fuck around with standard sentence structure in the same way as in English, sticking the verb at the end for wise effect. For example, instead of saying ‘TU HAI molta fretta giovane Jedi’ [you have much haste, young Jedi], he says, ‘Molta fretta HAI TU, giovane Jedi’ [much haste have you, young Jedi].

It is a different bloke who did the dubbing for the recent ‘prequel’ Star Wars films, but he tries to maintain the same sound as the bloke who dubbed the original films. In general, Yoda’s voice is less guttural in Italian than the English voice, less alien, and more wise old man, sort of thing – they’re trying to recreate an Umberto-Eco-after-six-hours-of-armchair-discussion at an Italian arts festival type of character, rather than the grumpy persona George Lucas originally went for.

Sounds much better than the original! Umberto Eco would certainly be a pleasing addition to the Star Wars oeuvre, although probably has less appeal than Yoda in the range of spin-off collectable dolls and backpacks.

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Dial ‘1’ for unleaded

April 21, 2010

** Click here for Episode 131 **

Hal in Liverpool has written in to shed some light on the abiding ‘No mobiles in petrol stations’ mystery:

When I was working for Vodafone last year, I was taught that the real reason you’re not allowed to use your mobile at petrol stations is that on old fashioned non-digital counters on the pump could be manipulated by mobile phone signals. Sounds like bollocks, but worth throwing my hat into the ring.

Richard independently corroborates Hal’s story:

I heard somewhere that there was one particular model of petrol pump that was affected by mobiles and would register and incorrect amount of petrol dispensed when a mobile was used in the vicinity. Petrol companies didn’t want this knowledge to get out so banned them for safety reasons instead.

Sorry, can’t cite you a source as I heard this a good few years ago. It’s probably rubbish anyway.

It’s no more rubbish-sounding than the previous explanations; but frankly neither the petrol nor mobile phone industries are renowned for their transparency. Any of you who work for either and fancy playing snitch, place a comment below to tell us the truth behind this folly.

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Gun-runners need an education too…

April 21, 2010

** Click here for Episode 131 **

Here’s some retro feedback from Alex in Sunderland:

I was just listening to an old podcast of yours about school rumours and thought you’d like to know an amusing one from my school.

When I was about 15, some lad in my year claimed, as you do, that he had connections to the local mafia and told explicit lies detailing how he and his father had brokered a drug deal, among other piles of bullshit.

In parody of this, my friend decided to spread the rumour that he had connections with an international Russian gun-running cartel and he had a shipment of AK-47 assault rifles stashed in his house, which we found pretty funny at the time but nobody really took seriously for obvious reasons.

A couple of days later, during English, the deputy head of the school came into my lesson and removed my friend from the lesson. He looked angry so we assumed he’d done something pretty bad. Turns out this rumour about the Russian gun traffickers had worked its way to the faculty and my friend had been seriously questioned by the deputy head as to the whereabouts of these weapons he had. He was threatened with expulsion and the police were briefly involved but thankfully the whole student population who weren’t retarded vouched for this being a rumour.

I’m aware this sounds like bullshit but I will swear it’s the truth.

Just like when one of my school cohorts was rumoured to be shagging the head of music; this sounded like bullshit, until the head of music very suddenly left ‘to teach in Brazil’ and said cohort similarly vanished to complete her A-levels at a convent or something.

Anyone else who has some not-bullshit school rumours they wish to share, tell the whole class by taking it to the comments.

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Stomp!

April 21, 2010

** Click here for Episode 131 **

Watch out, everybody! There’s another volcano erupting, but this one is unlikely to leave the European airline industry in tatters. However, weird noisy West End shows are not going to escape the blast from Steve in Cheltenham:

re Episode 131 theme tune: “Who the hell is still buying tickets to Stomp?”
Can I just say, fuck me, this should be the big news story, bigger than the elections.

I’ve hated Stomp all my life, everything they stand for, their unoriginal art of making music accessible to bundles of tramps and the unemployed. Anyone who bangs spoons on a radiator for a living is a twat in my opinion, get a real fucking job.

It’s as if Stomp has tapped into a dormant Neanderthal gene, the one that used to drive us to make hideous dins perhaps to ward off sabre-toothed cats, but evolution said sabre-toothed cats love drum and bass; you dickwads are better off making sharp pointy things to throw at the cats instead of enticing them into your drum circle like it’s a drug-fuelled rave.

Now, if Stomp were a nomadic cartload of chimpanzees who had created this method of music in order to exchange its audience for food, then
fine, I’d endure five quid’s-worth on a seasonal basis just to see the chimps smile again as they tuck into corn husks and half-apples.

Kaboom! Watch Steve go!

I’ve never seen Stomp, but I can’t pretend it has ever affected my life in any way, ever. I think Steve might – might – be overreacting. However I’m afraid to tell him that for fear of setting off a pyroclastic flow of rage that sweeps eastwards from Cheltenham to wipe out Crystal Palace.

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Village amusements

April 21, 2010

** Click here for Episode 131 **

With the sun out and the May Day bank holiday fast approaching, this email from Jim from Tewkesbury seems timely:

Referring to the swan- and duck-related banter in episode 129, I thought I
would share with you a game invented by a lady of my late acquaintance, namely Duck Racing (the game, not the lady).

This involves throwing bread at one side of the pond, then when all the competitors have gathered together, throwing bread to the other end of the pond. The race is immediately underway and the big stakes can be laid down. Winner takes all.

So, Helen and Olly, answer me this; what do you do to spice things up when indulging in the ever-popular British pastime of “going to some town or village for the afternoon”?

You mean you’ve exhausted the pleasures of the pub/tea-room/post office/churchyard/horse show/National Trust property before the afternoon is out? You must live at the speed of light, Jim from Tewkesbury. But readers, what can you suggest for people looking to adopt this sort of pastime? Head to the comments to tell us all how to enjoy ourselves in the minor conurbations of Great Britain.

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the physics of fictional weapons

April 14, 2010

** Click here for Episode 130 **

Uh oh, have we got a fight brewing? Listener Nigel is taking issue with Dr Martin Austwick’s science of lightsabers:

The sharp pointy bit of the lightsaber may be made of light but it is not transparent hence does not allow light to pass through it.
Light from another source would not pass through the saber as with any opaque object and it would therefore cast a shadow.

Did they teach you nothing during your DPhil, Martin? Did you buy your doctorate off the internet? You’ll be attracting looks of scorn at the next Institute of Physics beetle drive. How embarrassing.

Meanwhile Adam from Tasmania was inspired to write in by Henry’s tale of semen cologne:

After hearing of the interesting scent that guy used in Episode 130, I was reminded of an interesting perfume that was mentioned in a blog I read recently.
Why dont you have a look and tell me what you think?
http://www.smellmeand.com/gb/#/home/

I AM TOO FRIGHTENED TO LOOK. But you guys go right ahead. We are not responsible for the content of external websites etc etc…

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Thank God!

April 7, 2010

** Click here for Episode 129 **

YES! Here’s the news we’ve all been waiting for! Joy, formerly of Harefield, now of Ash Vale in Surrey, kindly leaps in to compensate our deficiency in Harefield knowledge which became all too obvious in last week’s episode:

Olly mentioned he didn’t know much about Harefield in last week’s podcast so I thought I’d mention Harefield Hospital, one of the leading organ transplant hospitals in the world, home for years to Prof. Sir Magdi Yacoub, pioneering transplant surgeon (first ever live lobe lung transplant) and my Dad, carpenter Brian Lindsay.

Olly was right about the antique shop in the village having closed though.

That’s sad. Still, you know what they say about Harefield: come for the transplant surgery; stay for the carpentry.

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responsible revenge FAIL

April 5, 2010

** Click here for Episode 129 **

Last week, we asked you to think up responsible revenges which Ky from Harrogate could exact on his Paypal hacker. Click here to read what you lot thought up. It’s not a very responsible-looking list, is it? What with all the beating, shooting, kicking and anthrax spores… And Sondra from San Francisco hasn’t raised the threshold of savouriness any further with her email:

As the middle child of five, I often found myself as the focus of unwarranted blame. At the tender age of three, my mother accused me of spilling a brand-new box of Cheerios all over the kitchen floor when I TOTALLY DIDN’T. It was my evil older brother, I swear!!! Well, that evening I wasn’t allowed ice cream, but my brother was. Thus, the plot thickens.

In the dead of night on that vengeful Tuesday, I popped a squat in my mother’s closet and dropped a hearty deuce in the left counterpart of her most comfortable shoes. She learned of this stinky bit of fun when she put these shoes on just a few hours later, making her very late for work.

Oh, yeah, and I beheaded my brother’s Teddy.

Denizens of San Francisco, do NOT cross Shondra, unless you want to be pursued around the Bay Area by the words of Paul Calf, “You’ve got shit shoes on, you shitty-shoed bastard.”

(more…)

run for your Rolex!

March 31, 2010

** Click here for Episode 128 **

Apparently there were more errata than usual in Episode 128, which obviously is a real blow to our status as power-Googlers. Let’s get to it. First up to the Plate of Sorrow is James from London, who warms up with an earlier gripe first:

My love for your podcast turned to anger and rage two weeks ago when you answered, or rather, attempted to answer the question: do people really buy expensive things such as a £5,000 watch from the airport.

You missed the two critical words that describe airport shopping: DUTY FREE. Therefore, when people of limited means such as myself see a lovely watch in Harrods priced at £5,875, and think, if only there was a cheaper way to get that, we book a weekend in New York and whilst waiting for the flight to depart, nip into Harrods and buy the choice watch at a bargain price.

Have you been sniffing glue, James? Firstly, the weekend in New York surely costs more than the savings on the watch; and anyway, the only things which count as a bargain when they cost over £5K are houses or racing elephants. Go on then, unleash part 2 of your wrath:

A week later, you suggested that the distance of a Marathon is distance run by Pheidippides from the Battle of Marathon to Athens. Google Maps calculates this as 22.6 miles (although there may have been a different route available at the time) but in any event, this run was only recorded by Herodotus who wasn’t born until six years after the battle ended.

The reason that the route is 26 miles and 385 yards is because this is the distance between the starting line at Windsor Castle and the finishing line at the newly built White City Stadium during the Marathon of the 1908 Olympic Games.

Approximately 30000000 of you wrote in to tell us this, citing Wikipedia and QI as witnesses for the prosecution. Now, let’s not get wound up with the accuracy of those sources [although: ahem!]. This is a tug of love, people. Whom do you love more, AMT! or QI and Wikipedia? Huh? Huh???

OK, don’t answer that. We don’t want you to see us cry. Let’s enjoy some more criticism instead. Nathan, formerly of Tunbridge Wells, now of London, says:

As an ex-Tunbridge Well-ian like Helen, I wanted to point out an error in your last podcast.

There is a bowling alley in Tunbridge Wells and there has been for at least a decade, in the North Farm Industrial Estate, besides the large Odeon. I remember watching The Matrix there when I was on my year out so it must have been built pre-2000, the Odeon that is.

Thankyou for that, Nathan; now I know that if I ever have to go back to my hometown, I’m assured of a cracking night out on the industrial estate. Why did I not think before to go there for my leisure enjoyments? Idiot Zaltzman! Although like any true Tunbridge Wells native, I know that anything built in the town after 1898 officially DOES NOT EXIST.

Let’s cheer ourselves up with this from Mike in London:

Following a listener’s recommendation I have started playing “Answer Me That” with my year 1 class. If they can ask me a question I can’t answer they get a sticker (they love stickers).

I told my school’s other year 1 teacher about this game and now she had adopted it. I soon envisage “Answer Me That” becoming part of the standard school curriculum.

That would be an election pledge we would love to see. By the end of the year, all primary school teachers in the land would be a super-race of question-answerers!

And finally, a few words from Lorraine:

In a recent episode you discussed mood rings. It might be of benefit for Martin to buy Helen a mood ring as it will help him better judge her mood. If she’s in a good mood it will turn green, and if she’s in a bad mood it will leave a red mark in the middle of his forehead.

Ber-bam! In both senses.

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Boss-boffing update

March 29, 2010

** Click here for Episode 127 **

Last week we posted about a problem sent in by Megan from North Walsham, and you kindly helped out with some advice. Now Megan has written back with the latest on George and his foolhardy boss-boffing:

Just to clarify, George isn’t a prostitute, he was just utilising his boss’s stupidity in giving him lots of pretty presents.

I advised George to follow the line from Josh about STDs, but since I wrote in, the whole situation appears to have rectified itself.

George went to meet up with his boss for a dirty weekend away, but decided that (seeing as he had his boss’s credit card with him) he should withdraw as much money as he could and spend it on booze on the train down there. Eventually turning up to the rendezvous very pissed on overpriced train alcohol, he regained his moral compass and tried to let his boss down gently. As he didn’t get the hint straight away, George then confessed that he’d been using him for presents and his job all along, quit his job and staggered away with his head held high.

Now he’s unemployed, bereft of future presents, but his conscience is clear.

George, congratulations for putting your concubine days in the past. Now does anyone know of any jobs going in the greater North Walsham area?

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Get your summer beach reads sorted early!

March 24, 2010

Following on from Episode 127, let’s enjoy some horrible scenes from books! Many of you have left a marvellous selection yon, and here are a few more:

Shannon: Allow me to add to your collection of scenes in literature that make one doubt man’s humanity:
1. Trimalchio’s feast in
The Satyricon by Petronius: Who doesn’t love an excrement fight with their gang rape? And the dis-memberable poetry reading in the last chapters is inspired.
2.
Blindness by José Saramago: More gang rape and excrement, topped off with a scene in which a man is brutally stabbed through the neck while engaged in an act that leaves an unusual mixed aftermath on his partner’s face.

Kate from Corfe Mullen: The most gruesome scene from a book that I have ever read was from David Mitchell’s Number9dream. Part of the book was set in the criminal underworld in Japan and a torture method was to place people in a cavity at the end of a ten pin bowling alley so that their heads were sticking out. The gang members would then bowl ten pin bowling balls at them.

Peter from Chicago: The most terrifying thing I ever read was a work of non-fiction by William Bradford Huie, Three Lives for Mississippi. The book tells the story of the murder of three civil-rights workers in Mississippi during “Freedom Summer” of 1964. Huie begins the book by re-telling the story of what happened in Birmingham, Alabama in 1957. Six men from a local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan gathered to decide who deserved a promotion to a higher rank within the group. One of them wanted the promotion, and to prove he deserved it, he was willing to get “blood on his hands.” They kidnapped a local Negro man, castrate him, and dumped him by the side of road.

The first time I read that section my knees slammed together and I kept my legs pressed together for almost ten minutes.

Thank god for a little palate cleanser from Colin from Newton Aycliffe, County Durham:

The song that was number one on the day I was born was Elvis Presley’s ‘Are you lonesome tonight’, which I think is quite ironic for a twice-divorced Singleton.

Just be glad your birthsong was not ‘Psycho Killer’ then, Colin.

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“TB? Whoops, I meant to write ‘ibuprofen’.”

March 15, 2010

** Click here for Episode 126 **

Travel back mentally to last week’s episode, and thank your lucky stars that doctors now print out prescriptions; Sara from California explains why:

In your last episode you talked about doctors’ handwriting and how bad it is. I know that they’re in a hurry, but they should make sure to write clearly because my grandmother nearly died as a result of a doctor’s handwriting. She had tuberculosis and the pharmacist misread the prescription and she was given ten times the correct dose of her antibiotics.

Back yet one more week, to Lauren of the boss with the secret campaign to fire her, for whom Darren offers some advice:

Im currently studying for an MA in human resources management. If Lauren has more than a year’s service for the company then she has some rights over dismissal and would be entitled to a chance to improve. I would imagine putting her in a situation like they have with the email would constitute a form of constructive dismissal.

Without knowing more about her circumstances, I couldn’t say for sure; but if you could let her know that she may have some protection then I feel I will have done my civic duty.

Consider said civic duty done, Darren; although by now, Lauren’s stay of execution has probably elapsed and she’s either pulled her socks up or been consigned to watching daytime TV in her jimjams until the job market improves. Let’s hope that, whatever happens, she ends up as happy in her employ as the enigmatically-named C from the USA:

I absolutely love my job! It’s the best! I earn less than I could so I can do what I do.

Writing opinions for an administrative adjudicator in a government agency in one of the United States sounds dull, but I’m part of the “they” everyone dreads and fears. But I have a conscience, empathy and a brilliant legal mind.

My job is a cross between Mr. Spock and Santa Claus. I parse through legal jargon and chicanery, and in most cases, I hand out bags of money! And unlike criminal defense, I don’t hurt anyone. I LOVE MY JOB!

Hooray! Anyone else love their jobs? Tell us in the comments!

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