Guys. Why are you bothering with the London Olympics, when you need to preserve your energy for the year’s most important contest? That’s right – the British Firework Championships are only days away! And at least one of Team AMT should be looking to start a new career there, as we discover in Answer Me This! Episode 226. Prepare to detonate:
Also going off in the episode:
Mass Market Muesli
clutch bags for the Third World
immersive theatre
psychic jurors
hipster aprons
teacher sadism by proxy
Routemaster buses
the Penguin Shwopping vs. consumerism
Captain Hook vs. Gordon Ramsay us vs. Bob Dylan
and
‘London’s Best Scare Experience 2008-2011’.
Plus: Olly has a damp stinky manbag; Helen errs by bringing actual fruit to the Apple store; and Martin the Sound Man recommends not trying to multitask during sexual activity if you’re a novice.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App is a question from Kenny, about whether he was wrong to fuck over his work buddy in order to score a promotion. Is it a fair case of survival of the fittest, or survival of the fuckiest? Find out on iDevices and Android.
You can also find out a whole lot if you listen to the AMT Sports Day. Most of that lot will be about sport, but since the Olympics is currently in full swing, you’d only be having to listen to sports commentators rabbiting on anyway whenever you turn on the television. Us or them, US OR THEM???
It only remains for us to ask you to ask us something: send your QUESTIONS as voicemails to the Question Line (Skype answermethis or dial 0208 123 5877) or as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Readers, here is a question for you to chew on from David from Whitstable:
I love Pick’n’Mix. It is ace. My bag/tub always contains white mice, fizzy cola bottles, those prawn things, those white buttons with hundreds and thousands. Maybe a jelly snake.
Answer me this: What is your strategy at Pick’n’Mix? Do you go for variety, or quantity? Or do you always get the same ones?
Well obviously variety rather than a large quantity of one thing, which one could buy elsewhere for less money. But with experience, one learns not to dally with the rubbish ones – the coconut mushrooms, the rum balls, the fudge which is invariably disappointing. One hones one’s selection, and also cannily avoids the heavy ones, though personally I’ll make an exception for the chocolate Brazils.
Since Olly has already elaborated upon his tactics in the AMT book, it’s up to you to go to the comments and enlighten David upon your own Pick’n’Mixing strategy.
Something unlikely in last week’s episode stirred the neurones of George here:
Regarding your offhand comments regarding the propensity of nooks by comparison to crannies: I though that crannies were the raised spaces surrounded by nooks. Thus, a cranny is defined by the absence created by nooks.
Assuming that is correct, then the world at large is mostly crannies, due to the relatively few nooks.
So, please answer me this, how far wrong is my assumption?
So far wrong that you are the very opposite of right, George! Observe how the dictionary defines ‘cranny’:
A small out-of-the-way place or obscure corner; nook.
If it’s any comfort, there IS another sense of cranny. But the dictionary has yet to validate it:
Let us know whether that mug can survive a few rounds with the hippies, Sage. In fact, buy a range of different mugs, keep a spreadsheet of how each model fares over a few months in the squat, then in a few months try to get your findings published in an academic journal. I’m sure they’ve all been waiting for a comparative study of mugs versus hippies.
“Yikes! I think I just saw Gerard Butler skulking in the corner.”
Apparently if you’re born ugly, you’re allowed to act like a total dick! That’s what we have learnt from today’s lesson in classic French literature from Chris from Cardiff, Australia:
In AMT225, you discussed whether the Phantom is good or evil.
I can’t speak for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s intentions, but having read the original novel by Gaston Leroux I can say that his impression of Erik (the Phantom) is that he was a genius driven to a violent distrust of humanity resulting from being so hideously deformed from birth, and thus that his actions were the result of desperation. Erik’s actions were undoubtedly evil, but nevertheless he deserves to be pitied for the life he was forced to lead by society:
Poor, unhappy Erik! Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? He asked only to be “some one”, like everybody else. But he was too ugly! And he had to hide his genius or use it to play tricks with, when, with an ordinary face, he would have been one of the most distinguished of mankind! He had a heart that could have held the empire of the world; and, in the end, he had to content himself with a cellar. Ah, yes, we must needs pity the Opera Ghost.
Of course, it’s hardly surprising that he turned out evil… There aren’t many “good guys” who would build a vast underground forest out of iron in which people could hang themselves or be baked alive.
Good point, Chris, but we should also bear in mind that anybody who decides to spend considerable time and resources building a fancy subterrannean torture chamber is probably evil beforehand, rather than becoming so as a result of having access to such a place.
Unless the Phantom did have perfectly innocent reasons for building it. Perhaps he had expected the baking-hot room with the iron trees would be the perfect place in which to dry his laundry. Even ugly opera ghosts should have the right to wear underwear that isn’t damp!
Here’s another eerie case of mistaken identity, from Jen in Wisconsin:
One day I was out hiking while a football (American football) game was happening in the stadium downtown. When I got home, my answering machine was full of worried messages from far and wide inquiring after my health and safety, sympathies, and telling me not to worry about coming in to work the next day.
Baffled, I returned one of the calls to discover that there had been a stampede of fans at the stadium earlier in the day, and the media had gotten many shots of a young woman who must have looked terribly similar to me trapped against a chain fence and crying. It had been picked up by CNN and run nation-wide, hence the phone calls.
Several years later, I was in a bar, when a somewhat older man asked me out on a date. He remarked that he and his wife were splitting up, and how much I resembled his kids’ former au pair. (Won’t go into the creepiness factor of that here.) I responded that that was the second time I’d heard I had a twin in town, and I repeated the story I just told you. Small world – his French au pair was the girl who had been at that football game and had gotten caught in the crush. I’m happy to say that she was, in the end, all right. I’m sure her family got her the hell out of America after that.
And did you get the hell out of that bar, Jen, or do chat-up lines about au pairs’ near death experiences actually work?
When you woke up this morning, listeners, did you realise this would be the day that Olly revealed how he is in possession of the local equivalent of one of John Wayne Gacy’s prison paintings?
Well, it is that day. Assuming you go ahead and listen to Answer Me This! Episode 225 rather than choose to continue living in ignorance:
Wherein we contemplate:
Danny Boyle
morality in musicals
shouting at children
Ramadan for Olympians
masks
hippie housemates
Maroon 5 vs. pole vaulters
Chicago vs. Bury St Edmunds
Outer Mongolia vs. Darkest Peru Mrs Lovett vs. Wagamama
the Phantom of the Opera vs. The Collector
Timbuktu
what Mein Kampf is missing (aside from a GSOH of course)
ostentatious eccentricity nooks and crannies Coinstar
Hitler’s watercolours
and
Sesame Snaps.
Plus: climbing upon Nelson’s Column, Olly almost exposes his own column; Helen misses the cupboard in which she hid from childhood; and Martin the Sound Man discovers his spirit flower.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available on iDevices and Android) includes the next episode in the series begun by Lauren from Brooklyn in AMT224, ‘Is it OK to steal?’ In today’s thrilling installment, Mike from Crofton Park asks whether he’s allowed to steal his broadband package. How can it be stealing when you can’t even SEE it, right?
If, like Mike and Lauren, you’re tussling with your moral compass – or any other query is bothering you – allow us to solve your problems for you: send your QUESTIONS as voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
You should click here if you’re in the market for a hippie-proof AMT mug, which must be nigh indestructable if it’s survived five years in our company. If you want to survive 59 minutes 33 seconds more of our company, please invest in the AMT Sports Day too, because on the eve of the Olympics, it would be impolite not to.
I’m completely bored of Fifty Shades of Grey, and I haven’t even read it. I’m even bored of all the humorous deconstruction of it, but our next questioneer Mike from Shropshire may have hit on a way to quell some of the public enthusiasm for the phapping phenomenon:
Many women I know are putting status updates on Facebook telling us all that they are reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Some of these people are also professional colleagues of mine.
In view of this new openness about reading of pornography, answer me this – is it now acceptable for me to tell the world on Facebook what porn videos I am watching?
Readers, what do you reckon? Tell us in the comments – if you’re not too busy being tied to your bedposts by an arrogant businessman, or whatever.
We keep telling you, listeners, not to let the little things come between you and your loved ones. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter who is right as much as not breaking up over the world’s least important disagreement. But did you take heed? NO YOU BLOODY WELL DIDN’T. And now nuclear war is brewing in Worcestershire, thanks to a breakfast food that tastes like a compacted bird’s nest. Carl in Kidderminster writes:
I have been with my lovely wife for almost 12 years, we have an amazing relationship and I consider her not only my wife but my very best friend. However, there is a problem that has been a bone of contention throughout our relationship.
My wife and I cannot agree on the correct and proper way to eat Weetabix.
I like to eat mine with ice cold milk, my wife however insists that the correct way is to have it hot. Now I’m not averse to eating them hot on a cold winter’s morn but my belief is that they are intended to be eaten with cold milk.
This situation has now escalated as my wife is trying to convince our 5-year-old daughter that her way is correct too! My daughter even sneaks into our bedroom on my day off to wake me up so I will make her weetabix with cold milk rather than hot.
So answer me this:
What is the correct way to eat Weetabix, hot or cold?
I looked on the official Weetabix website, and the serving suggestion is “with a steaming-hot dollop of marital disharmony”. So you’re both right, hurrah!
Anyway, since I’d rather eat a Weetabix box than a Weetabix, I invite you lot to end/save Carl’s marriage with your votes.
The father of AMT223‘s Nick from Orpington is not the only one of you to be falsely accused of murder! Please tell us in the comments whether you have been too – and take note of the keyword FALSELY – after reading this tale from Neil from Cornwall:
Several years ago I was in a car park in North Wales in my capacity as a sales rep. Having parked my car, I saw a police officer making her way slowly towards me and braced myself for the obvious, “You can’t park here”, or maybe “Is this your car, sir?”
What she actually said was: “The reason I came over to speak with you is that you match the identity we have been given for the suspect in the Jill Dando murder case!!!!”
I couldn’t quite believe it, but she took down all my details and radioing them through to her head office. Obviously it became apparent that I wasn’t the person who had murdered Jill Dando, but it did make for a funny story when I finally got home.
Also, being from Cornwall…..OF COURSE you put the jam on the scone first and put the cream on the top… why would you do it the other way around!
Jam first? That’s exactly what a murderer would say, Neil. I’m forwarding your email straight on to the Cornish Police.
Sure…but if people are liable to confuse a 10-year-old self help book with a Scandinavian crime novel/publishing phenomenon, then they probably aren’t all too likely to be able to get through either book, are they? Similarly, anybody who bought a copy of The Holy Bible by the Manics and sprinted back to Our Price the following day shouting, “I thought I was buying an audiobook of a sacred text, you bastards!” needs to have their credit cards impounded.
This week, we hint at the reason behind one of the most pressing mysteries of the 1990s. Not what happened to Princess Di, nor what became of Richey Edwards, but why Mick Hucknall decided to hack off his dreadlocks. Discover all in Answer Me This! Episode 224:
We also consider:
stage kissing
business kissing
The WI in WWI Great British cheeses
Whoopi Goldberg The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo vs. Men Who Hate Women
fabric conditioner vs. towels
going cold turkey on caffeine
Adelaide Hoodless
feta
and
dead landladies.
Plus: Olly wishes to replace his happy childhood with a lot of bonking; Helen launches her campaign for more Wigmore cheese to be made (WigMORE! WigMORE!); and think carefully before accepting Martin the Sound Man’s handshake, because you may be getting a whole lot more physical contact than you bargained for.
We’d love to hear more from you, in the form of QUESTIONS sent as emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
Answer Me This! Podcast 