Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

Eggy apology

May 26, 2009

Oh deary dear, we’ve had a Strongly-Worded Letter of Complaint arising from my allusion to ironic 1980s cookbook Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche in Episode 95:

OI! I’ve got a bone to pick with you (which in itself is an odd phrase; answer me this – where did it originate?)

But onto my point. I like football, I swear a lot and I have tattoos. In short, I am a real man.

I ALSO LIKE QUICHE.

It is not unmanliness, it is simply a lush foodstuff that goes nice with salad (which is also manly, if you omit the celery). I demand you make a public apology.

Yours
Slightly Miffed from Treorchy

Well, here’s your public apology, Slightly Miffed; and I hope you don’t get similarly riled by my reference to the culinary classic Salad Cream is for Dickwads in the forthcoming Episode 97.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, contrition | 5 Comments »

EPISODE 96 – donkey pin fail

May 21, 2009

Woo woo, listeners, it’s almost the weekend, and a three-day weekend to boot! We’re going to spend ours lazing, faffing and tarrying; how about you? Have you time in your hectic schedules for Episode 96? It’s just a click away:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

The minutes of the podcast:

venison hearts
jury service
Only Fools and Horses
Rageh Omaar
the surprise common ground between Ricky Martin and the Stone Roses
poppies
Harold Robbins paperbacks
correct newsreader attire
piñatas
@
Carl Linnaeus
Aberdeen Steak House
and
rhinoplasty.

Plus, Olly emulates Marlon Brando’s Oscar acceptance; Helen finds steam-baking wanting; and Martin the Sound Man gets bullied for his appearance, poor lamb. Cheer him up by subscribing to his podcast on its new feed, why don’t you?

We know how much you love to ask us QUESTIONS, so by all means keep doing that: call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also if you have a care for such a thing, post comments below with your toppest advice for people moving to the UK, because the vagaries of Britain can prove overwhelming to the newbie…

Ok, gotta dash, but we’ll see you next week, right?

Helen and Olly

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Tags:Alan Carr, Ben Elton, great fire of London, John Gray, Julian Barnes, precocious children
Posted in PODCASTS | 17 Comments »

cokey dogs

May 21, 2009

Here’s a sorry tale from Rob in Sampford Peverell, Devon:

Following your discussion of sniffer dogs getting hooked on cocaine in Episode 95, it became clear you haven’t heard of the sad story of sniffer dog Max, from the Avon and Somerset constabulary:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4357551/Police-sniffer-dog-dies-of-nose-cancer-after-sniffing-cocaine.html

(And yes, the wheels are real, I met him once).

R.I.P. Max. It seems dogs can have side effects of years of coke-sniffing, if not snorting.

R.I.P. Max indeed! Stay away from drugs, kids and dogs!

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Tags:drugs, law, pets, police, tragedy
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

pleasant things to hear and look at. And Hitler’s balls.

May 20, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 95 **

Attention fellows! AMT! jingle alum Gavin Osborn has a new album out this week; it is called Meeting Your Heroes and you can buy it from:
iTunes, Amazon or Banquet Records. Which we recommend, because it will be very good.

In other musical news, according to Hugo from London the ‘Hitler has only got one ball’ song is founded in truth! He writes:

You may be interested to know that despite your research Hitler did in fact only have one ball! As did Franco!

An apparently all too common injury from the first world war it seems.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8055329.stm.

But the chat about said song in Episode 94 has caused some consternation for Sarah from Gaytown:

I’m entirely confused about this “Hitler only had one ball” thing.
I’ve never heard this song – but desperately wish I had.
I asked my history teacher and he sent me an email back asking him to stop being inappropriate over emails so that I don’t get into any trouble.
What’s going on? I don’t really mind one way or the other about Hitler’s man bits, but a think you guys singing this song for us would definitely make my email embarrassment go away.

I’m not sure us singing monorchid wartime ditties would help anyone’s embarrassment go away, but if you want to read up on Hitler’s nads, Sarah, then here are a couple of useful articles upon the matter. Study them well, and you are bound to ace your Political Undercarriages of History exam!

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, friends of the show | Leave a Comment »

The happiest day of the year

May 16, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 95 **

it'll be even cheesier than this

We sure know how to have fun, listeners! For tonight is the most euphonious night of the year – Eurovision Song Contest – and because the best way to enjoy a night of spandex, caterwauling and elaborate dancing is with your face down in a laptop, we’re going to be liveblogging it. Right here. Well, Olly isn’t, because he ~~smells~~ has got proper stuff to do; but I am, along with Martin the Sound Man, Matthew Crosby and some other fine Friends of Answer Me This!.

So get your barbed comments ready, and from 8pm CLICK HERE to join the liveblogging extravaganza!

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Tags:cheesefest, Eurovision, shattered dreams
Posted in frippery | 9 Comments »

EPISODE 95 – the Berkshire Hunt

May 14, 2009

Hello!

We’ve got something that will make you laugh. It’s the video at the bottom of this blog post. But before you scroll all the way down there, have a listen to Episode 95:

Wherein we expound upon:

All Tomorrow’s Parties
the V&A hat exhibition
Biblical symbolism in Come Dine With Me
Winegate
The Insider
Portuguese custard tarts
sports massage
one half of Hue and Cry
the New York Dolls
Watchmen
Assyrian hat theory
and
Pete Doherty’s cat.

Plus our post-match report from the Sony Awards: Olly shakes the hand of a man named after a car; Helen swoons to be in the same room as Rolf Harris and the Proclaimers; and Martin the Sound Man pisses with some of Britain’s finest radio talent. Come back here later if you care to see photos of us larking about at the shindig; and by all means send us QUESTIONS! Said means include calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also, listen out for us on Steve Wright in the Afternoon on Radio 2 tomorrow when we’ll be unfurling some of the web’s greatest mysteries…or just talking about stuff on the internet, as one does. (update: here’s the link on iPlayer if you missed it: fast-forward to 1.35.30 to hear our bit)

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

The Best Scenes from The Wicker Man remake:

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Tags:eggs, John the Baptist, not the bees!, pets, teenagers in love
Posted in PODCASTS | 3 Comments »

Thank God Josie’s Here

May 12, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 94 **

Here’s some fun! Friend of Answer Me This! and Episode 84 alumnus Josie Long recently appeared on Australian improv show Thank God You’re Here; watch her think on her feet in impressive fashion:

Excellent stuff, eh? And she looks very lovely, right? Not sure the same can be said about listener Dave, whose cheeky wife Felicity sent in these somewhat NSFW snaps:

Click on the thumbnails to enlarge at your peril; and click HERE to buy your own AMT!P bag with which to protect your modesty.

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Tags:australia, bag misuse, candid photography, comedy, improvisation, josie long, thank god you're here
Posted in friends of the show, frippery | 3 Comments »

more of us in the papers

May 8, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 94 **

There were a couple of nice articles about us in the papers today:

The Independent

The Jewish Chronicle

Read them, but don’t weep – unless you are our grandmothers and are overwhelmed with joy that we’re in a respectable Jewish paper.

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Posted in AMT! press | 2 Comments »

EPISODE 94 – the world of eggs

May 7, 2009

Hello hello hello,

After last week’s episode, Shiro wrote in to say: “Helen mentioned she had a child. I was wondering if I heard right and if i did, answer me this: what does she do with the child when you’re recording the podcast?”

Well, Shiro, in fact I ~~keep the baby locked in a safe~~ do not have a child, which is why you won’t hear any mysterious crying or wailing in the background of Episode 94:

[
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

What you will hear is chitchat about:

SARS
Rushmore
Geri Halliwell
dachshunds
Susan Boyle – the book?
greens
slime flu
Top Chef
seminiferous tubules
Malcolm X vs Miley Cyrus
duct tape (translation: gaffer tape)
Dexter
and
Matthew Pinsent’s second arse.

Plus: how Olly was the saddest rock star at his school; how Helen anthropomorphised her spacehopper; and how Martin the Sound Man is incapable of innuendo. He is always straight to the disgusting point.

Comment away below if you want to join in on Chris from Bolton’s question about interesting/expensive/different things you have held in your hands; and of course, keep your QUESTIONS coming in by calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.

And if, like us, you needed a little pick-me-up this week, there’s this non-lamented gem from the grim wastes of the 1990s:

It’s different.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:£50 notes, Bravo, cerys matthews, Dexter, diet dr pepper, doctors, FX, hand foot and mouth disease, Miles Davis, product placement, space, swine flu, testicles, the apprentice, Tom Jones, Top Chef, Wes Anderson
Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »

Helen’s filthy mouth comes back to bite her (as it were)

May 6, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 93 **

the future of Answer Me This?

Here’s something disheartening from Tom:

I play Halo 3 online and I listen to Answer Me This! while I play. One time a couple of weeks ago my mum was eating her tea while I was playing. After about five minutes my mum told me to turn Answer Me This! off. When I asked why, she said because that woman (Helen) has such a filthy mouth. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve tried to convince her that Helen is a nice person and is just being funny.

So answer me this: how can I convince my mum that Helen is a nice person, and that Martin is the disgusting crude one?

A salutary lesson for us all at Answer Me This!; but aside from us actually changing our ways and our vocabulary, how can we restore the favour of Tom’s mum? Advise us by posting a comment below!

(Also, while my own verbiage could certainly be cleaned up, Martin CLEARLY has the pottiest mouth in the podcast by a mucky mile.)

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Posted in extracurricular questions, help! | 3 Comments »

bollicks?

May 6, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 93 **

Before tomorrow’s new episode wipes the slate clean, let us tie up some loose ends from Episode 93. Firstly, David in Carlisle:

This week I felt that the derivation of ‘the dog’s bollocks’ was self-explanatory and not explored fully or correctly; it surely refers to the fact that dogs have an intense and continual interest in their own bollocks and if they’re good enough to be licked then they must be something special to be subject to such attention, hence the dog’s bollocks in reference to something really good.

Not a bad extraction, but to be honest the Zaltzman family dog shows a greater interest in mouldy tennis-balls than anything else, and that has yet to enter the vernacular. Onward to something cosmic from Sabrina:

Once I opened a fortune cookie after my meal, and it said “That wasn’t chicken”. Now, I would have simply laughed and joked about it if I had had a meal of anything other than chicken, but lo and behold! I had just had a chicken. The one and only fortune I have ever remembered.

Dangit, those cookies know too much!

Next, some encouragement from Simon from Wimbledon:

This is a response to Olly’s question about whether he would be able to ski. If my 60-year-old geography teacher can, you can.

A good adage for life, methinks. Now finally, a retro bit of feedback from new listener Jude:

A listener from episode 51 asked whether McDonalds milkshakes were made from chicken fat. I have an answer although it’s almost just as disturbing.

My brother in law’s grandfather was a scientist working on chemicals for processed food and pharmaceuticals in the 50s (I am American if that wasn’t already painfully clear) and he was on the ground floor of a discovery of a substance which has been used in many semi-liquid non-dairy foods since then. It is a mixture of edible plastics and has been used as a base for many fast food milkshakes since (I believe) the mid 70s.

Hope that gives you all something to ponder when slurping up that great McDonalds food now and hereafter.

Strangely, that doesn’t even seem surprising.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 93 – marvels of physics

April 30, 2009

Hello old beans,

We hope you enjoy your forthcoming May Days in whichever way you see fit – putting bells on your knees, wrapping ribbons round a pole, stuffing your trousers full of onions, ’tis not for us to judge. However we will look at you askance if you neglect to listen to Episode 93:

In which we go on about:

Maltesers
vets
endorphins
Confucius
baby blankets
love birds
Lib Balm Anonymous
Wimbledon
this Badly Drawn Boy video
Baci
Snog Marry Avoid
suicidal dentists
punk lullabies
the bouquet of a cat’s anus
Katy Perry
neck-snapping
and
Olly’s true colours.

Plus: Olly takes his first lesson on the lap steel guitar; Helen reveals the shocking truth about teachers’ nightwear; and Martin the Sound Man admits to not understanding the dynamics of semen. Durrr!

Seeing as you tend to be so helpful, please comment below with ideas for presents for Jawad’s new sibling, which is probably out by now – in which case, perhaps one of these would be suitable, Jawad? Also, as ever, do send us your QUESTIONS by calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. It’s just what the doctor ordered! (a mere two days before he was struck off.)

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »