Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

Impulse buys

April 29, 2009

Lately we’ve very much enjoyed putting questions to you lot, so here is another one, from Holly:

Me and my friend Ciorstan are currently on our gap year living and teaching in China! We bought a pet rabbit, even though I live on the 4th floor, don’t have a cage and don’t actually want a rabbit. Answer me this: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever bought on impulse?

Sadly, our impulse buys are all pretty boring – all those unhandsome clothes at the back of the wardrobe; hair products that smell of worming medicine; pork scratchings; Paul Weller CDs – but we’ll put 50p on YOURS being far more amusing. Share your shopping follies in the comments below!

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Tags:crap, paul weller, pets, rabbits, regrets
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 7 Comments »

Vampires: just rabid?

April 29, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 92 **

Yet more vampire-theorising on the back of Episode 88, this time courtesy of Nick:

I’m probably way late to the party on this, but I thought I might venture an opinion I read as part of my Old Norse studies.

People, observe that although late to the aforementioned party, Nick is already looking like a better intellectual bet than us. Plus, our records show that he has form.

There was a thing in Neurology about a massive outbreak of rabies in eastern Europe coinciding with the first mentions of vampire mythology – obviously, it’s transmitted by being bitten, and it makes the victim sexually and violently aggressive, often attempting to bite and fuck other people too. You also acquire an aversion to bright lights and odours (the sun, mirrors, garlic) as well as becoming hydrophobic (which might explain the holy water thing). Also, it affects the…is it the hypothalamus? The bit that control sleep, anyway; that meant that rabies victims are often up at night.

Fascinating stuff! And it’s evidently high time the EU put some regulations in place forcing vampires to be quarantined for six months before they’re allowed into the UK.

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Whoooooooo!

April 29, 2009

We had a high old time in Episode 92 wondering why ghosts say ‘whooooo’; now David, mostly in Carlisle has written in with an intriguing theory:

I think the answer might be linked with dead bodies and the noises made by escaping gases and what was thought in days gone by as the spirit/soul leaving the body. I’m sure I have read this in historical accounts, especially in times of plague etc where mass graves were not unknown.

I also have in mind a story from my Dad, who was a policeman, relating his first day at work:

To get police officers over the initial shock of coming into contact with dead bodies they would make sure they had a stint in the morgue on their first day. He told me that many police officers (Quincey title sequence-esque) would faint at their first sight of a dead body/autopsy. On his first day he was asked to carry a body with another officer down a spiral staircase to a basement morgue at his station and, quickly getting over the initial shock of what he had been asked to do, he get on with the job. With his hands underneath the body’s arms they manoeuvred it down the staircase. Meanwhile, knowing what he was doing, my Dad’s sergeant was outside and as a practical joke threw stones at the outside roof of the staircase. The resulting noise surprised my Dad and he dropped the body, the resulting impact making a noise akin to the WOOOOO!! of a ghost. My Dad nearly fainted thinking the dead body was coming back to life, while his fellow officers creased up in laughter. Suffice it to say he never forgot his first day in the force and got over the experience to have a very successful career.

So in essence, the corpse was like a big whoopee-cushion? Good to know one can still pull some jolly pranks even after death.

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Olly needs an iPhone, does he?

April 28, 2009

In Episode 92, Olly said he needed an iPhone. Subsequently, you listeners are being a bad influence on him – egging him on first is Matt from Cambridgeshire:

All I can say is: Olly, GET ONE!!

I brought mine a couple of months ago and haven’t looked back. The amount of apps/games available to download is mind boggling. Not to mention downloading podcasts or TV/film straight to it. I really can’t recommend it enough.

Sounds fun and all, but I still dispute that he needs one. But Gareth from London takes me to task:

I beg to differ in your statement “Nobody NEEDS an iPhone!”

After using one for over a year, I quite literally couldn’t do without mine. Using the automatically synced calendar, push email, and updating contacts, this functionality keeps me organised and in contact.

Let alone the maps function, which has got me out of an awful lot of sticky situations where I have been very, very lost in London when I first moved here!

Let alone the Twitter and Facebook apps… which are actually quite worryingly addictive! 😉 oh – and Tap Tap Revenge, which is basically guitar hero for iPhone!!

Indispensable as knock-off Guitar Hero on the move sounds, I propound, Gareth from London, that you COULD literally do without yours, seeing as you managed to do that very thing until a year ago without being eaten by a lion, scuttling your ship or losing all of your shoes. So bearing in mind that ‘need’ is not quite the same creature as ‘want’ or ‘find moderately useful’, answer us this:

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »

Look, we’re in the Guardian Guide!

April 25, 2009

** Click here for Episode 92 **

What a lovely treat; the Guardian Guide is saying nice things about us today! Read it here:
www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/apr/25/answer-me-this-podcast

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Posted in AMT! press | 4 Comments »

EPISODE 92 – how many people have seen a ghost’s genitals?

April 23, 2009

Dear stars of the podcast-listening world,

After watching and rewatching clips of Susan Boyle, your ears probably need a bit of a rest from sublime noise, no? Well, we have the perfect thing – Answer Me This! Episode 92:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

On this week’s agenda are:

Einstein
hair dye for men
ghost masochists
humane killing tips from Richard Madeley
Richard Feynman
talcum powder
Moses
equine respiratory flaws
E.T.
and
the smell of lemons.

Plus, Olly craves an iPhone (it’s his birthday coming up! Hint hint!); Helen tells you how to combine book preservation with solvent abuse; and Martin the Sound Man proves to be a lot burlier than anyone could have predicted. So watch his new music video or he’ll duff you up, right?

As usual, please send us your QUESTIONS by calling 0208 123 5877, Skypeing answermethis or emailing us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com; but please also help us settle this question:

And that’s all for this week!

Love,

Helen and Olly

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Tags:body odour, combat, cookery, dilemmas, exercise, ghosts, hair, horses, hygiene, jews, lost in translation, marine life, phrases, school, siblings, transatlantic
Posted in PODCASTS | Leave a Comment »

Storytime!

April 22, 2009

** Click here for Episode 91 **

Here’s a charming story from James, entitled ‘My Friend Recently Shit Himself’. Can you guess how it’s going to go? Well done, you are correct:

Yes it was quite an epic tale, cram packed with adventure, tension and embarrassment.

The story began on Saturday morning when we were having a bite to eat before catching the train to Sheffield from Grimsby. My friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, claimed to be feeling ill about halfway through the journey. When we arrived he insisted (in a rather flustered manner) that we find the nearest toilet which at the time happened to be a McDonalds, so off we went. He ran in barging people out of the way (we followed closely behind to see what hilarities would unfold) and just as he was going into the toilet he shat himself.

But the worst thing about this is what he did to ‘solve’ the situation, he started by frantically wiping his pants and arse with toilet paper until they were as clean as they could possibly be at that time…………not very clean. He then put them back on inside out and continued his activities for the rest of the day.

I found this odd/sickening and was wondering what would you do in a situation like that?

To be frank, we found it pretty odd/sickening as well; therefore, as we’ve just had our lunch and are reluctant to throw it all up, we thought we’d open the question out to you instead. So please comment below and answer us this: what is a failsafe means of rescuing yourself should you wind up in a similar situation?

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Tags:bowels, disgusting, etiquette, public transport, sartoria, shame
Posted in extracurricular questions | 12 Comments »

Rumbled!

April 19, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 91 **

Uh oh, we’ve been Found Out! Reena from Gran Canaria but living in Salford clocked that most of the time we know dick-all about diddly, so has kindly stepped in to shed light upon Laurence from York’s question in Episode 90 about ringing ears:

As an Acoustics student, I knew you guys didn’t know the answer for this question. Martin was close, but not enough…

The noise in the ear is called tinnitus and the effect the guy was describing is called temporary threshold shift.

What happens is that the ear changes its threshold of hearing to protect itself, so it needs more energy to arrive to the timpanic membrane in order to hear. When you conditions change the ear needs some time to recover…and sometimes it doesn’t recover at all. The effects are additive and that’s why DJs are deaf when they’re old.

That, and the cumulative effect of playing so-called Dance Anthems for their working lives.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

The Sound of the Ladies Lounge 2: Revenge of the Lounge

April 18, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 91 **

We know how much you people love a bit of Martin the Sound Man. This month you can have a bit more of him than usual: either by fishing his beard clippings out of the bin, or by watching the latest episode of his Sound of the Ladies Lounge, featuring the Sound of the Ladies song ‘D.E.A.D.’ and Superman Revenge Squad singing ‘Idiot Food’:

Check out Martin the Sound(oftheLadies)man’s website www.thesoundoftheladies.com for more musical wonders!

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Posted in Martin the Sound Man, News | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 91 – what child likes winegums?

April 16, 2009

Hello dears,

We’ve been having a bit of a spruce-up around here, and have added a load of new games and jigsaws to our Timewasting page. So get over there and waste some time! That which you have not already squandered on Answer Me This! Episode 91:

Up for discussion this week are:

Gloria Hunniford
Latin turnips
Sweeney Todd
Vidal Sassoon
Church’s Shoes
Disney’s Californian Adventure vs. Seaworld
Humpty Dumpty on your face
Harry Tate
Pink
the hormones of 15-year-olds
and
Matthew Crosby’s testicles.

Plus: Olly explains his sinister methods for succeeding at Jenga; Helen reveals the kind of giddy fun that made her childhood parties the talk of Tunbridge Wells; and Martin the Sound Man tells soap operas to buzz off. Or similar. And if you’ve got something you want Martin to slag off, or just a QUESTION for us, get in touch: call us on 0208 123 5877, Skype us at answermethis, email us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or send your carrier pigeons to Crystal Palace and pray they can sniff us out.

We also hope you enjoy this week’s new jingle by Wilbur Sargunaraj; if so, amusing treats await you at his website www.wilbur.asia, and you may also be tickled by his Blog Song:

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Wave goodbye to productivity

April 14, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 90 **

In the hopes that one day we will be canonised for our services to procrastination and life-frittering, we have added ALL-NEW jigsaws to our Timewasting page. And not only that – we’ve also customised some classic arcade games and slapped them on there too! Don’t blame us when your boss demotes you for playing Martin-faced Pacman for eight hours…

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Olympic hopefuls

April 14, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 90 **

Over on the Answer Me This! Facebook Fanclub forums, the enterprising Joe from Newnham has declared he has started up a new Facebook group to persuade the BBC to employ the AMT!P team to present the 2012 Olympics.

As you know, we know dick-all about sport. We care almost that much too. But come on, sports-fans and non-fans – you know this would be so wrong, and yet so right… Imagine what a glorious time we might have dissecting the day’s synchronised diving events and the 100-yard dash! So dammit, CLICK HERE to join the group! Sign the petition! Let’s make this happen!

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Posted in frippery | 1 Comment »