Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

Looooook!

June 10, 2009

We hope you’re enjoying our break – and that you have joined our Facebook Fanclub for the chance to win tickets to our live 100th Episode extravaganza at the iTunes Live Festival. If you have, you will find out all very soon!

Meantime, here’s a little holiday treat courtesy of artist Sally Grosart, who makes marvellous paper toys of such entertainment luminaries as the Flaming Lips, New Kids on the Block and AMT!P pals Pappy’s Fun Club. And now us!

Helen and Olly, uncharacteristically paper-thin

If you fancy making a little paper Helen and Olly to terrorise your mantelpiece, click on the thumbnail below to download the pattern; and check out Sally’s other fun papery work on her Flickr stream.

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Posted in AMT Gallery, visuals | 5 Comments »

EPISODE 98 – what happens in Vegas

June 4, 2009

Listeners, we’re afraid that the day has come: it’s the last episode of the series! We’re sure you can cope; you seem like an emotionally sturdy bunch. And if our absence does prove too hard to bear, check out Episodes 1-40 for another 15+ hours of our company. Or, alternatively, our Early Learning Curve will make you miss us a lot less.

Anyway, on with today’s show, which is of course Episode 98:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

In which there are:

party whistles
big bands
pot pourri
Ben Folds
‘Happy Birthday’
oestrogen
the Nottingham Eye
glottal stops
Michelle Pfeiffer
TGI Friday
cat grass
and
The Ivy festivity FAIL.

Plus: in trying out the kind of etymological web-research that Helen usually does, Olly finds himself in a whole world of Rude; Helen gives some surefire tips to repel potential flatmates; and Martin the Sound Man generally behaves himself, probably distracted by the fact that he has a new live EP out and you lovely chaps can download it for FREE from thesoundoftheladies.com/music

This being Episode 98, I’m sure the mathematical among you have clocked that our 100th episode is fast approaching. Naturally, we will not be letting our passage into triple figures go unmarked, and at the end of the episode we reveal how we’re celebrating it. Our Facebook Fanclub alone will be privy to how you too can be with us for the party of the ~~century~~ day, so join it stat!

Other than that, please do stay in touch while we’re away by sending us your QUESTIONS for the next series: call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And even though we’re giving our voices a rest, we’ll still be putting bits and bobs up on this website throughout our break, so do come visit; and we’ll see you back here on July 9th for Episode 99!

Love,

Helen and Olly

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Tags:appendix, Arabic, B&Q, birthdays, cats, Catwoman, cohabitation, diets, DIY, embarrassment, emergency surgery, etiquette, exes, household, Kristin Hersh, pets, petty grievances, prolapse, Scarborough, sex, TGI Fridays, tourist traps, university
Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »

Cohabitation tips for Andria

June 3, 2009

61731-004-8ED8FD6B

** Click here for EPISODE 97 **

We’ve had a call for help from Andria from Texas (soon to be from Minnesota):

I am moving in with my fiance in a few weeks so answer me this, what advice would you give to someone who has never lived with a man (other than my dad) before? How can I make this transition smoother for both of us?

I would say you ought to remember to a) have arguments loudly enough that your neighbours can enjoy them; b) not confuse cleaning with something actually emotionally important; and c) not show too much interest in his mysterious locked cupboard, because frankly you will be much happier not knowing – it’ll either contain corpses or pornography. But readers, what would YOU say is the key to happy cohabitation? Let Andria know in a comment below!

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Tags:arguing, cohabitation, household, romance
Posted in extracurricular questions, help! | 2 Comments »

Oh this? Erm, I just had an accident with the fake tan…

June 1, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 97 **

Some questions are really too visual to be answered in an audio podcast. Others are a bit too apt to get us into trouble. This question from Sharon from Glasgow falls in both camps:

At a fancy dress party last year I dressed as Jimi Hendrix and blacked up. My friends were split between whether this is racist or not. I think I looked great. Answer me this: is blacking up racist?

p.s. I have attached photos for your judgement.

p.p.s. I am definitely not racist.

Sharon in her normal state

After: is Sharon racist, or just misunderstood?

Never mind blacking up - that person next to Sharon is GREEN.

It doesn’t seem quite as wrong as the film Soul Man, but I think we should have a poll all the same:

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Posted in extracurricular questions, visuals | 7 Comments »

EPISODE 97 – waxworks on Jupiter

May 28, 2009

Greetings and salutations, listeners,

It’s been a long series and at this point we’re weary, trudging the podcast-path with just some Kendal Mint Cake and warm Lucozade to keep us going. So we’re taking a month off after next week’s episode – oh, don’t look like that! We’ll come back; we always do. And in the meantime, there’s Episode 97:

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

In which we speak of:

Eraserhead
kilts
acromegaly
Portmeirion
what sperm and Tony Blair have in common
Charley’s Aunt
ceilidhs
cannabinoids
toastmasters
HMP Loose Women
Matthew McConaughey
polari
and
the Evil Eye.

Also, Olly gives TMI about his urinary tract; Helen is sniffy about a psychedelic risotto; and Martin the Sound Man reveals the secret to his wisdom. It’s a real disappointment, frankly.

Before we head off on our holidays (or rather, before Olly heads off on a glorious roadtrip of the US and Helen and Martin sit tight in Crystal Palace), send us your QUESTIONS: call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. ‘Twill give us succour during our darkest hours.

See you next week, when we will be telling you what our party plans are for our forthcoming 100th Episode, and how you can be a part of that party!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:Albert Hall, allergies, asparagus, aunts, Berlin, Berocca, cake, cinema, dancing, David Lynch, drugs, egg puns, eggs, expenses, fertilisation, folk music, food, health, homosexuality, hygiene, Jane Austen, Jared Leto, Kerry Katona, munchies, Paul O'Grady Show, peacocks, puns, revenge, Riverdance, romance, Science Museum, Steve Miller Band, superstition, techno, teenagers in love, The Prisoner, Ting Tings, tourism, trains, weddings, Worzel Gummidge
Posted in PODCASTS | 6 Comments »

Amanda Huggenkiss?

May 28, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

The Britain’s Got Talent final looms, and you kids are getting somewhat overwrought about it. Firstly, Mark (14):

What is all the fuss about Susan Boyle?! Yes she can sing, but why do the papers only refer to her as “Susan Boyle: the virgin” as if it’s her defining feature?

So many questions, Mark, in one brief missive. My guesses are:
a) who can resist a woman who looks like a whiskery Happy Face biscuit singing showtunes?
b) the media hardly ever get to write about virgins, so it’s a rare treat from them.

Now here’s some strong stuff from Carla from London Town:

I was watching Su Bo on YouTube do her latest performance but that Amanda Holden woman was crying which put me off the whole thing. She looks to me like one of those girls who was in the year above and enjoyed sneering at anyone who wasn’t as attractive as she was.

Is there anyone- ANYONE- A single one of your listeners who likes her? I would love to know whether there is one speck of humanity who finds her bearable.

As a BGT-ignorer, I have no opinions at all about this Holden creature, so must instead impeach you lot to share your feelings upon the erstwhile Mrs Les Dennis bearable.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »

The whole shebang

May 26, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

We have some feedback from Episode 96, firstly courtesy of Meg from Carlisle in response to Laurence from York’s question about external news reports:

When I’m not being an Answer Me This! Listener (and sometimes when I am), I am a hot young journo very much like Lois Lane. While I actually work for a newspaper, I often encounter TV reporters when I’m out on the road. So, to answer the fellow with the sweaty-pitted teacher:

1. TV news is a visual format and as such needs to be interesting, or at least varied, to look at. You’d soon notice if it was just some people in a room.
2. TV news needs to be different from its radio/newspaper/internet-based brethren, otherwise what’s the point?
3. Believe it or not, those guys usually aren’t being told what to say. In my experience, TV journalists just turn up on the scene and do what we all do – ask a few questions and try and work out what’s going on. I’ve seen a News 24 girl report to camera completely off the cuff, without any notes, seconds after admitting she had no idea what she was about to say.

A thrilling insight into the fast-paced world of tv news! And now a thrilling insight into the world of programming languages, thanks to James in Cornwall:

This, #!, is a shebang. It is a bit dull really, but it is used in a few programming languages on Unix.

Yup, I think that’s just the answer James from Glasgow was expecting us to give…

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

Eggy apology

May 26, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

Oh deary dear, we’ve had a Strongly-Worded Letter of Complaint arising from my allusion to ironic 1980s cookbook Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche in Episode 95:

OI! I’ve got a bone to pick with you (which in itself is an odd phrase; answer me this – where did it originate?)

But onto my point. I like football, I swear a lot and I have tattoos. In short, I am a real man.

I ALSO LIKE QUICHE.

It is not unmanliness, it is simply a lush foodstuff that goes nice with salad (which is also manly, if you omit the celery). I demand you make a public apology.

Yours
Slightly Miffed from Treorchy

Well, here’s your public apology, Slightly Miffed; and I hope you don’t get similarly riled by my reference to the culinary classic Salad Cream is for Dickwads in the forthcoming Episode 97.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, contrition | 5 Comments »

EPISODE 96 – donkey pin fail

May 21, 2009

Woo woo, listeners, it’s almost the weekend, and a three-day weekend to boot! We’re going to spend ours lazing, faffing and tarrying; how about you? Have you time in your hectic schedules for Episode 96? It’s just a click away:

The minutes of the podcast:

venison hearts
jury service
Only Fools and Horses
Rageh Omaar
the surprise common ground between Ricky Martin and the Stone Roses
poppies
Harold Robbins paperbacks
correct newsreader attire
piñatas
@
Carl Linnaeus
Aberdeen Steak House
and
rhinoplasty.

Plus, Olly emulates Marlon Brando’s Oscar acceptance; Helen finds steam-baking wanting; and Martin the Sound Man gets bullied for his appearance, poor lamb. Cheer him up by subscribing to his podcast on its new feed, why don’t you?

We know how much you love to ask us QUESTIONS, so by all means keep doing that: call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Also if you have a care for such a thing, post comments below with your toppest advice for people moving to the UK, because the vagaries of Britain can prove overwhelming to the newbie…

Ok, gotta dash, but we’ll see you next week, right?

Helen and Olly

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Tags:Alan Carr, Ben Elton, great fire of London, John Gray, Julian Barnes, precocious children
Posted in PODCASTS | 17 Comments »

cokey dogs

May 21, 2009

Here’s a sorry tale from Rob in Sampford Peverell, Devon:

Following your discussion of sniffer dogs getting hooked on cocaine in Episode 95, it became clear you haven’t heard of the sad story of sniffer dog Max, from the Avon and Somerset constabulary:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4357551/Police-sniffer-dog-dies-of-nose-cancer-after-sniffing-cocaine.html

(And yes, the wheels are real, I met him once).

R.I.P. Max. It seems dogs can have side effects of years of coke-sniffing, if not snorting.

R.I.P. Max indeed! Stay away from drugs, kids and dogs!

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Tags:drugs, law, pets, police, tragedy
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

pleasant things to hear and look at. And Hitler’s balls.

May 20, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 95 **

Attention fellows! AMT! jingle alum Gavin Osborn has a new album out this week; it is called Meeting Your Heroes and you can buy it from:
iTunes, Amazon or Banquet Records. Which we recommend, because it will be very good.

In other musical news, according to Hugo from London the ‘Hitler has only got one ball’ song is founded in truth! He writes:

You may be interested to know that despite your research Hitler did in fact only have one ball! As did Franco!

An apparently all too common injury from the first world war it seems.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8055329.stm.

But the chat about said song in Episode 94 has caused some consternation for Sarah from Gaytown:

I’m entirely confused about this “Hitler only had one ball” thing.
I’ve never heard this song – but desperately wish I had.
I asked my history teacher and he sent me an email back asking him to stop being inappropriate over emails so that I don’t get into any trouble.
What’s going on? I don’t really mind one way or the other about Hitler’s man bits, but a think you guys singing this song for us would definitely make my email embarrassment go away.

I’m not sure us singing monorchid wartime ditties would help anyone’s embarrassment go away, but if you want to read up on Hitler’s nads, Sarah, then here are a couple of useful articles upon the matter. Study them well, and you are bound to ace your Political Undercarriages of History exam!

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, friends of the show | Leave a Comment »

The happiest day of the year

May 16, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 95 **

it'll be even cheesier than this

We sure know how to have fun, listeners! For tonight is the most euphonious night of the year – Eurovision Song Contest – and because the best way to enjoy a night of spandex, caterwauling and elaborate dancing is with your face down in a laptop, we’re going to be liveblogging it. Right here. Well, Olly isn’t, because he ~~smells~~ has got proper stuff to do; but I am, along with Martin the Sound Man, Matthew Crosby and some other fine Friends of Answer Me This!.

So get your barbed comments ready, and from 8pm CLICK HERE to join the liveblogging extravaganza!

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Tags:cheesefest, Eurovision, shattered dreams
Posted in frippery | 9 Comments »