Helen Zaltzman

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When stag nights go bad

October 7, 2009

Back in Episode 110 we asked you to share your grisly stag or hen night stories, since none of us have been on a particularly rotten one. Nor has Matthew from South Africa, but he sure has heard of a good one:

A close friend of mine, we’ll call him Bob, recently told me the full reason why his uncle wasn’t invited to his stag night.

It turns out that at a stag night many moons ago, Bob’s uncle tied the groom, naked, to a lamp post. A fairly normal and harmless gag in most circumstances.
However, it was the middle of Cape Town’s winter which, although not as cold as England, does mean rather low temperatures.

The combination of copious amounts of alcohol, being unclothed and a freezing wind caused the groom to suffer a heart attack. Bad enough.

However, for some unknown reason, when the ambulance arrived to cart the groom off to hospital, Bob’s uncle thought it would be a great idea to steal the ambulance and drive around town. He awoke the next morning at the wheel of the ambulance, parked many miles away, with his friend lying in the back of the ambulance on a stretcher.

They rushed to hospital and luckily the groom survived the incident, although he spent some time in a coma and the wedding never took place.
I’m unaware of whether or not the uncle faced charges, but I would imagine so!

Um…lordy. Well, if the Prague or Dublin tourist boards ever want to return their town centres to stag-free historical pleasantness, then they should definitely give Bob’s uncle a call…

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Cinema armrests: Falkland Islands 2.0?

October 7, 2009

** Click here for Episode 111 **

Call the UN – borders are being disputed! A great many of you have written to us with the following question, so it is evidently very very important:

Which armrest is yours at the cinema?

We ~~couldn’t be arsed to devote even a second of thought to this problem~~ have decided to throw this one out to you:

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Tags:movies
Posted in extracurricular questions, Rock the Vote, User-generated answers | 8 Comments »

ladybits

October 7, 2009

** Click here for Episode 111 **

Here’s a bawdy tale courtesy of Rachael from Clerkenwell:

After a work trip to Amsterdam a female colleague described to my boyfriend a live sex show that she’d seen.

Having embarked upon the anecdote, she faltered on realising that their working relationship was relatively formal such as to preclude the use of “sexual swearwords” and the story culminated in describing her boss pulling a long ribbon out the performer’s vagina.

After a moment’s pause to consider the full spectrum of possible euphemisms, she went with ‘flower’, perhaps the most incongruous word she might have picked to describe the lurid act.

Answer me this: have you heard any more ludicrous words used to describe a lady’s furry front bottom than a ‘flower’?

Yes we have, but we have used more than enough whimsical genitalia euphemisms in the podcast, so it seems to me that this is one for you, readers. Got anything stranger than mimsy, flange or botticelli? Comment below!

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 18 Comments »

Ben vs. Ben

October 7, 2009

** Click here for Episode 111 **

Dearie me, we made a blunder in Episode 111, in which we answered a pair of questions from Ben from Oxford. Or so we thought, until we received the following complaint from Ben from Oxford:

After many weeks of sending questions to you, I finally heard the words ‘Ben from Oxford’ read out on the podcast. But after my brief glimpse of cyber-ecstasy, it was revealed that the question was not mine, but of another ‘Ben from Oxford’.

You read the other Ben from Oxford’s question [about doctorates], before going on to state that HE had a doctorate in question-asking, and reading out MY QUESTION about why ‘X’ means sex. But what really annoys me is that you gave him the credit!

Let us take this opportunity to apologise to Ben from Oxford for robbing him of his due questioneer glory, and to clarify that the doctorates question was asked by Ben from Oxford, whereas the X-rating question was in fact asked by Ben from Oxford. I hope we’re cool now, Bens.

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Posted in contrition | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 111 – shaving your legs for Jesus

October 1, 2009

Salut, podcast-fans!

We must warn you, Answer Me This! Episode 111 is a wee bit smutty. We face questions about onanism, X-rated films and naughty nuns; plus Olly demonstrates why you will never want to invite him to scatter seeds in your flowerbeds. Hear it now:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In cleaner climes, we also discuss:

Mars Attacks! vs. Big Fish
crossbar vs. no crossbar
poor old Jessica Simpson
H.H. Suplee
fly-tipping
sad scenes at Streatham Station
the University of Bologna
the intergalactic Gillian McKeith
endohedrofullerines
and
Castlemaine XXXX.

Furthermore: one of Helen’s rare displays of good manners lands her in hot water; Olly reveals himself to have yet another feminine side; and Martin the Sound Man posits that being able to do stuff with teeny weeny bits of carbon is better than being able to save lives. Don’t you dare disagree with him though, or he’ll make you read his doctoral thesis from cover to cover. We gave it a go, but it wasn’t fun. However we definitely love to read your QUESTIONS, which you can ask us via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Please please us by doing that!

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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Tags:bicycles, fancy dress, medical, movies, parties, prawn, racism, tertiary education
Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »

“Congratulations on cheating death for another year”

October 1, 2009

** Click here for Episode 110 **

Melvyn in Brighton has a problem which we certainly share, so we’re all hoping that some of you have the solution. Melvyn writes:

Please could you answer me this: do you have any funny/witty suggestions that I could write in birthday cards that are circulated around the office? I get on with everybody but not great mates. I’m getting fed up writing the same thing, Happy Birthday, have a good one or Happy Birthday, have a great day! Etc etc.

We’ve all been there, right? It’s upsetting how flimsy one’s imagination proves to be when faced with a blank corner of a workplace card. So please comment below with suggestions that everyone can recycle. And if you don’t come up with the goods, we suggest Melvyn takes to signing the cards in his own blood; even the blandest sentiment can be jazzed up in this manner.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 13 Comments »

Party on in Svalbard

October 1, 2009

** Click here for Episode 110 **

Hey readers! Are any of you Arctic party animals? I don’t mean polar bears, but the kind that frequent night-spots and beatle-drives and whatever. If you are, could you help out Ryan from Woodland Park Co with his homework?

This a really random question but here goes. What is the name of the night club In Longyearbyen Svalbard?

My friend and I are doing a project for school for a brochure for any destination so we decided to do Svalbard. There’s a night club and three pubs said to be in Longyearbyen, but we can’t find their names anywhere so can you help us out please?

If you happen to know the name of any of these places, comment below – although frankly Ryan, the chances of your teacher being able/arsed to corroborate the evidence you present are so slim that you might just as well make them up. They will probably assume you invented Svalbard anyway.

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 7 Comments »

EPISODE 110 – too harmless to be sprayed on your enemy’s face

September 24, 2009

Hello, fellow lardbuckets,

Do you want to cut your calorie intake without having to reduce the amount of tasty and satisfying food you force down your gullet? This amazing new diet has nothing to do with acai berries, meal substitute shakes or laxatives. How? Find out all about Oliver Mann’s ‘Pacifies as it Satisfies’ regime for FREE by listening to Answer Me This! Episode 110:

Don’t worry; if you already possess an untubby belly and bony thighs, there’s still stuff in this podcast for you. For instance:

Pimp My Ride
meteorological gender inequality
Cernunnos
Your Five Gallants by Thomas Middleton
puffa jackets
morning glory
The Magician’s Nephew
Rice Krispie cuboids
and
Hurricane Martin.

Furthermore, Olly is a silver-tongued devil for felines; Helen invents the worst party theme ever; and Martin the Sound Man says ‘lady’s vagina’ completely unnecessarily. You’re surprised, I can tell.

As ever, please indulge us with your QUESTIONS, which you can put to us via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

Also, you can give everyone a treat by sharing your outstanding stag or hen party horror stories, because you know how we love to live vicariously and hate to get our own feet covered in sick. Stick them in a comment on this post, and maybe in a few years’ time someone will make them into a hilarious and squirm-inducing film.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:cars, cats, diet, etymology, feminists, humiliation, morality, parties, pets, piss, prostitution, school, superstition, teachers, tubbitude, weather, witches
Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

The UK: funny old place

September 23, 2009

** Click here for Episode 109 **

British readers, observe your homeland as reflected through the prism of foreign eyes, in this case belonging to Amber from Kansas:

I’m sure everything you know about Kansas comes from T.V., in that it is very brown here, very flat, and sometimes young women are swept away by twisters. Unfortunately, all of this is true.

In turn, everything I know about Britain comes from BBC America, in that you guys like to have wacky races with vehicles, young people hook up in the most lewd and sexy ways, you have giant naked men carved into the side of random hills, and sometimes: Daleks. They happen.

So answer me this you guys: is Britain as marvelous and exciting as T.V. is telling me, or BBCA feeding me a line of, as the Brits say, “rubbish?”

Amber, it’s all true, although I must admit it’s less exciting when you get to see all those things every day. But here’s an idea: Brits, comment below with facts about Blighty that sound like they are bullshit, but are actually true. Come on, it’ll be fun. I’ll start: Amber, guess what – one of the nation’s most famous sailors now lives on top of a massive stick in the middle of a busy London square, surrounded by lions and pigeons. Crazy but true!

Now it’s your turn, false fibbers!

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Posted in extracurricular questions | 31 Comments »

Canal boats – THE TRUTH!!!!

September 23, 2009

** Click here for Episode 109 **

Following Nick’s detraction of canal boaters in Episode 108, we received the following lively defence from Ian:

As I live on a narrowboat, I felt Nick presented a less than fair picture of the realities of life afloat. It is a jolly and cheap way of living, particularly in the middle of London, and is very good for parties in the summer, and cosy nights by the fire in the winter. I’ve been on my present boat for four years.

The speed limit (sorry to be a boring cunt) is there to prevent damage to the reed beds on the banks, and also boats can be shifted off their moorings if they bounce about on the water (most boats are only held in place by pegs driven into the ground).

Thanks Ian! Although what has a reed bed ever done for you in return, eh? Selfish reedy bastards!

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 1 Comment »

EPISODE 109 – women are mammals

September 17, 2009

Good morning, congregation,

It’s Thursday yet again, which means there’s a fresh episode of Answer Me This!. We say fresh. It’s Episode 109, so freshness is but a distant memory to these podcasters. Eh well, better an oak tree than an ingenue, as my mother has never said to my knowledge…

So what’s in store for you today?

The secret of eggshells
Ganesh
Space Raiders
Elizabeth Taylor
Michael Alig
Richard Marx
tinned peach aristocracy
lapdancers vs. raw pizza
Hilary Duff vs. Hilary Swank.
party dogs
party dwarves
Andy Crane
and
the correlation between Noel’s House Party and Rude Facials.

Furthermore, Olly compares Isadora Duncan to an iBook; Helen proves to be no great shakes at adage-making; and Martin the Sound Man sniffs out Joan Rivers. Not in any sort of improper way, we hasten to add.

Next week, Episode 110 will blossom forth, so get your QUESTIONS in: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or croon them into the ear of Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Also, place your bids for names for a potential Answer Me This! perfume range in the COMMENTS below! (Don’t worry, it will never happen. Unless we hear that Keith and the Girl or Ira Glass will be the first podcaster to bring out a fragrance and our competitive streaks overpower us and sign a three-stink deal with Coty.)

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:books, celebrities, cookery, eggs, god, linguistics, parties, perfume, sartoria, students, theology
Posted in PODCASTS | 9 Comments »

Frequently asked question

September 17, 2009

** Click here for Episode 108 **

We’ve been in this question-answering business for quite a while now, and naturally a handful of questions come up a lot. Some of them are here. But we’ve been receiving the following one an awful lot lately, in various forms , and it’s high time to deal with it.

We know all of you who have this problem are probably suffering from it in a highly individualistic fashion, but this is approximately how it goes in each of its permutations:

I like a girl/boy in my class.
We spend all our time together.
I am 14.
Should I ask her/him out?

Now children, you know we love you. So forgive us if we seem brusque, but YES. DO IT. FOR GOD’S SAKE, DO IT! Partly because acute as the pain of rejection is, that of not knowing can last a lot bloody longer. And partly because getting this question 100 times a week is making us feel ancient and withered inside. Half our lives have passed since we felt the singular, fresh pangs of unrequited teen ardour. Or, in fact, anything. Pass the gin.

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Tags:romance, teenagers in love
Posted in extracurricular questions | 2 Comments »