Helen Zaltzman

Author Archive

Things not to say on Big Brother

November 18, 2009

Lock up Prince Philip, it’s time to continue the latest AMT trend, ‘Is that phrase racist, or just delightfully old-fashioned?’ Carol from Leeds enters the fray:

You guys were wondering if the Chinese had any sort of derogatory phases to referring to the whites. We call you guys ghosts, though I don’t think it’s meant to be that derogatory, it’s just referring to your pale skin? I grew up listening to people around me saying it and never thought it was racist. To be honest I wasn’t even aware that there was any hidden meaning, I thought it was just what we call white people, though maybe I was a racist child and grew up to be an old racist? All my friends are Caucasian, even though I don’t have many friends. Hahaha, it’s funny because it’s true. Hope this helps.

Here’s another expression from which it is probably sensible to refrain, courtesy of Jude from Shipley near Bradford:

I’m just listening to Episode 117 and you mentioned a westernised Chinese person is called a banana. The equivalent to this for black people is a coconut.

I first heard this said by a black colleague about another black colleague.

I want to apologise that I’m continuing your ‘is it racist’ thread.

Don’t blame yourself, Jude. We did ask.

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Tags:racist phrases
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 4 Comments »

Ahoy!

November 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

Ed from Leicestershire has kindly written in to help Rick from East Dulwich through the intricacies of cruisewear, as broached in Episode 117:

Please can you tell Rich from East Dulwich that I went on a cruise about 1 month ago, and yes you do normally have to dress up and if you go on some certain cruises you get your picture taken on the first day which you have to look your best and it’s quite a smooth sail because it is soooo big and you have to make the classic excursion trip joke: is it an expensive sleep after being on the booze till half past 2 in the morning

Write that one down, Rick, and pop it in your evening jacket. Although judging by the tale of Megan in Surrey, perhaps you should just stay at home:

I recently got back from a shitty cruise with my shitty parents so just wanted to warn the guy worrying about his dinner suit not to lose any sleep because most people make no effort at all on gala evenings. Anyway, my parents complained about my obscene language when I was asleep in our shared cabin which I found extremely amusing (I woke them up screaming that I was “fucking stuck” in my bed and that I was “bloody scared” etc mega lol!!) so Helen answer me this: why do people talk in their sleep?

It’s probably caused by the stress of being trapped in a floating Butlins with your parents and several hundred retirees who wouldn’t hesitate to trample upon your tender young head in their rush to get to the lifeboats, or to the elevenses buffet.

Cheer up, Rick. Contrary to what our beloved listeners above might say, cruises look super-fun in the movies! Ok, NOT Titanic. Or A Night To Remember. Or Death on the Nile. Or that episode of Columbo where Robert Vaughn murders the lounge singer and tries to pin it on Dean Stockwell. But if you need persuading to don a smart suit and hop aboard, this might help:

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Tags:holidays, seafaring
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »

Uncle Ken saw Lisa Stansfield in an airport once…

November 17, 2009

** Click here for Episode 117 **

More of you have piped up about your famousest ancestors, inspired by Jack from Leeds in Episode 116. James says:

My most famous ancestor is my great auntie Margaret Maughan. She was the first Briton to win a gold medal in the Paralympics at the very first competition in Rome 1960. Her gold medal was in archery and I believe she is a great role to model to future Paralympic athletes and deserves recognition for her achievement. Here is a link in case you don’t believe me. Unfortunately I have never been able to meet her and so have never been able to express my gratitude towards her achievements.

That’s definitely a good one. See if you can top it, Tom from Rutland:

I dug around and found out that:
1. my grandmother’s milkman was Sean Connery;
2. my great-something uncle was Buster Edwards from the great train robbery, he even had a film made about him!!!

Tom has saved the best for last, though:

3. My aunt was in the training team for the mice, horse and ducks in Babe!

Bam! My mum baked the loaves of bread that were featured on the labels of Ruddles beer in the early 1990s, but Tom and James’s familial claims to fame have totally trounced that! But if any of you can outdo them, comment below.

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Tags:family, famous ancestors
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 7 Comments »

EPISODE 117: time – pain = fireworks

November 12, 2009

Hail, fellows,

At the time of writing, two urban foxes are noisily copulating outside AMT Towers. It really is the most unheavenly sound. Hopefully Answer Me This! Episode 117 is rather kinder to the ear:

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Today we talk of:

the Ban The Bang campaign
book tokens
war memorials
Subway flouting ancient Jewish food laws
bananas
The Shadow Of The Wind
FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL
Sir Walter Scott
coloured bow ties
poor nervy birds
and
pineapples up the arse.

Plus: Olly offends Andrew Lincoln but stands up for the meerkats; Helen exposes her brother’s audacious present-recycling tricks; and Martin the Sound Man tries out his common touch, but fails to convince. C-, Martin!

As ever, we want YOUR QUESTIONS via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; and this week we would also like you to comment upon this post with your top tips for godparents (are you one? Do you have one? And aside from the obligatory birthday tenner, have you ever actually been deployed in active godparental service?). Alternatively, you can share stories of the worst present you have ever given, in an attempt to amuse us whilst assuaging the guilt that will NEVER LEAVE YOU. Win-win.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:etymology, fireworks, food, hair, holidays, injury, jews, pain, parents, perversion, prawn, presents, racist phrases, religion, sartoria, sex, sport
Posted in PODCASTS | 13 Comments »

keeping mum

November 12, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

A few of you have actually written in to complain that we’re no longer swearing enough for your liking, and that this must be symptomatic of us selling out or going soft. We assure you, this is not the case. We have merely passed the foul-mouthed baton onto you lot instead, as illustrated by the following charming stories inspired by Simon from Oxford‘s question in Episode 114. Like proud parents, we present the progress of Jim from Tewkesbury:

I’m a regular sort of middle-class guy from a regular sort of middle-class area. I have a regular sort of office job, with regular sorts of colleagues. I have invested many hours crafting a veneer of respectability through working diligently with a polite and helpful attitude.

This has served me well when offering dry remarks with my trademark deadpan delivery, as I have retained what I call, “the shock factor”. Perhaps once a month someone will turn to me agog at my latest crude/clever (usually crude) remark.

Following a recent constitutional along the prom whilst listening to your recordings, I found myself with a powerful new tool at my disposal, and the next day I used it to devastating effect with no thought for the consequences. I started an argument with a colleague just so I could deliver the premeditated closing line, “When can I fuck your mum again?” My victim was shocked beyond my wildest hopes.

Well done, Jim, you obtuse-minded cussbox. Let’s see how Steve from Cheltenham compares:

This Sunday my girlfriend and I drove past several lone magpies, which we consider to be bad luck. We both salute the magpies and wish that their wife and child were well, which is supposed to break the curse.

I was thinking to myself, “Fuck magpies, I’m sick of this saluting them bullshit, they are just birds”. It was the third magpie we passed that instead of saluting, I wound down the window and shouted, “When am I next going to fuck your mum?” The magpie didn’t respond, but later that evening our landlord called and said that we’d have to be out of our house by Christmas because he wanted to sell it.

p.s. the guy that first told me that magpies were bad luck (when I was about 14) he drowned, which fucked his day up a treat.

I think we’ve all learnt something from this; I’m just not sure what.

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Tags:swearing
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go nuts for doughnuts

November 12, 2009

** Click here for Episode 116 **

Much like a doughnut itself, the discussion of doughnut holes begun in Episode 112 appears to have no end. Still no word from Johnny Ball regarding the veracity of his doughnut ‘knowledge’, so instead we present to you this clip, thanks to listener Lewis:

Nothing further, your honour.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 3 Comments »

EPISODE 116 – like a little canine Houdini

November 5, 2009

Oh dearie dear. Our coverage in Episode 115 of Reggie’s epilepsy dog/girlfriend dilemma seems to have resulted in a resolution – but not a happy one. You lot voted, while Reggie’s girlfriend voted with her feet. Commiserations, Reggie, although you’ve still got the cat to comfort you, eh?

Anyway, let’s hope that we don’t destroy any more relationships in Answer Me This! Episode 116:

Tesco Finest creamy fish pie
Hugh Laurie’s face trumpet
our Helge Rubinstein campaign
Maidstone
Stingy Jack
things to do in Rye
Russell Howard vs. William Hague
salmonella
politicised Peter’s Friends
freestanding baths
Bliss Magazine
Harry Potter
and
the world’s grossest bikini.

Plus: Olly has a novel method of keeping those trick-or-treaters away; Helen blurts out the Sensational Secret that her family revealed just 29 1/2 years ago; and Martin the Sound Man sets a challenge for the Olympic Committee. He’s got pluck, it’s true.

As well as sending us YOUR QUESTIONS – which you can do by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or voicemailing Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877 – this week we also want to hear your stories of your finest ancestors and your own best moments of fame. Dazzle us all by posting a comment below!

Over and out,

Helen and Olly

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Tags:anatomy, bowels, cats, etiquette, fish, food, Halloween, money, Olly's cat, parties, pets, politics, sex, sport, stupid traditions, tax, yuk
Posted in PODCASTS | 4 Comments »

Jews and booze

November 5, 2009

** Click here for Episode 115 **

We at Answer Me This! were rather underimpressed by this year’s display of Halloween garments. Given a one-night-only opportunity to walk around in public wearing absolutely anything, 90% of Londoners chose to dress up as slags! And most of the other 10% just sprinkled a bit of fake blood onto a shirt and called that a costume. NO NO NO! Fancy dress requires effort and/or ingenuity. And now, please lend yours to Christine from San Diego:

I have been invited to a friend’s 23rd birthday and the theme is “Jews and Booze”. I am completely confused and stumped by this theme. The birthday boy is Jewish, but also a fun-loving party animal, so I guess the theme is appropriate, but what do you wear to seem Jewish-themed and yet pretty? Yarmulkes? Star of David-printed hotpants? Do you have any sensible suggestions? I am severely lacking in knowledge of what to wear to a fancy dress party and of Jewish culture and I need help! I have nightmares that I will show up as a female Nazi in the mode of Prince Harry and ruin the party.

Readers, please put your Jews and Booze suggestions in a comment below! We recommend suiting up as King Herod with a cocktail umbrella sticking out of your collar.

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Tags:booze, fancy dress, jews, sartoria
Posted in frippery, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »

EPISODE 115 – Ladies’ Night at Games Workshop

October 29, 2009

Hello hello hello!

Contrary to what we said last week about releasing Episode 115 a day late, here we are, on Thursday, with Episode 115 ready to go! Don’t believe us? The evidence awaits your ears:

Paving this week’s boulevard of broken brains are such topics as:

Antoni Gaudí
Wembley stadium
pre-Photoshop trickery
ancient nail-varnish
Durham Cathedral
war games
the Crystal Palace Museum
Fabric vs. fabric
prostitution vs. rental contracts
and
Chapel Carter.

Plus: Olly gives his Top Tips for bloggers; Helen gives her Top Tips for staying awake at Coldplay concerts; and Martin the Sound Man pretends to know about football, confuses Brazil and Mexico, and generally undoes all the good work he’d put in to convincing us all that he’s clever.

As usual, we’re hungry for YOUR QUESTIONS, which you can email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave as a voicemail on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877; but we also really need your help in determining what this week’s final questioneer Reggie should do about his epilepsy/girlfriend/cat/overpriced dog problem. Listen, then please vote:

We’re sure Reggie will appreciate it, and that his girlfriend probably won’t. But hey, democracy can’t please everyone all of the time.

See you next week, lovelies!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:architecture, blogging, clubbing, drugs, etymology, eyes, football, fun, grandparents, larks, linguistics, nightlife, photography, school, sexism, USA, vernacular
Posted in PODCASTS, Rock the Vote | 3 Comments »

Don’t try this at home. At least not with kids present.

October 29, 2009

** Click here for Episode 114 **

In Episode 113 James from Portishead asked for advice about games to play at his daughter’s 7th birthday party. He should NOT play this game suggested by Andy from Swindon:

I used to work at a summer camp for kids and one of the people I was working with brought in a book of kids’ party games. Hidden among the usual favourites was a game called spankity spank. The rules of the game are as follows:

Person 1 sits on a chair.
Person 2 puts their face in person 1’s crotch.
The remainder of the people in the game take turns to spank person 2.
After each spank person 2 has to guess who is spanking them.
If they are right then the previous spanker has to take their place and be spanked and the game carries on.

Needless to say we did not play this one with the kids. We did however play it amongst ourselves once the kids had gone.

PS we kept our clothes on before Olly assumes that this is some kind of readers’ wives confession and the start of an orgy.

I thought this was inappropriate for a child at a party, but Andy from Swindon, you have scooped the win.

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Tags:parties
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My morning jacket

October 29, 2009

** Click here for Episode 114 **

It’s the question that has been keeping us awake ever since Episode 112, but sweet merciful Jesus has delivered Joanna in Southam to us to vanquish the mystery and, at last, lay our minds at rest:

I, as a previous backward blazer wearing school girl believe I can answer this question.

1) Basically we don’t want to wear them as they don’t fit well/are unflattering/it’s not cool.
2) However we are cold so need to hold them up to cover our fronts to keep us warm.
3) This also pleases our parents as it keeps them off the floor.

So there we go. Next week: why do they roll their sleeves up in Miami Vice?

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Tags:sartoria, school
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, inside scoop | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 114 – a top hat full of goose feathers

October 22, 2009

What the Jazzy Jeff is going on with Answer Me This! Episode 114? It’s all full of SPORT! Bloody sport! Golf, boxing, Formula 1 AND the Cinnamon Challenge. We feel like traitors to our own podcast.

Thankfully, there’s less jocktacular business too, such as:

scurvy (again)
bridge rolls
Helge Rubinstein
Napoleon Dynamite
Acton bowling alley
Wanted
Johnny Ball Reveals All
butter vs. Banoffee Pie
Sean Kingston vs. Sean Paul
D.H. Lawrence
James McAvoy
and
the band Clock.

Plus: Olly suggests Angelina Jolie is ‘a bloke with tits, really’ AND manages to compare Cheryl Cole to a golf ball; Helen hopes that Auntie Tarantula isn’t listening to this episode; and Martin the Sound Man breaks the embargo on talking about balls, earning him 14 hours on the naughty step. Will he never learn?

Unfortunately Episode 115 will be out one day late next week; but if you need something to tide you over Thursday, perhaps this tract upon the benefits of dimples to the trajectory of golf balls, this will help. (I’m sure you’ll understand why we kept it brief in the podcast – laminar flow diagrams don’t come across so well in audio.) And you can help tide us over with YOUR QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on Skype ID answermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.

See you next Friday!

Helen and Olly

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Tags:baked goods, balls, best man, boxing, cake, cars, cookery, disease, driving, etiquette, family, farting, folly, food, golf, homoeroticism, literature, marriage, music, names, nicknames, racism, sport, Women In Love
Posted in PODCASTS | 4 Comments »