We received several emails this week regarding perks from your own or your parents’ jobs, but there was only one that made one Olly Mann shit himself with envy. It was this one from Laurence from Henley-on-Thames:
My parents both used to work for Disney. Because of this, mine and my sisters’ childhoods have been FILLED with masses of Disney paraphernalia – we had every single film on video and DVD, enormous cuddly toys of various characters, and even some original hand-drawn slides from various animated movies as seen in the films themselves, including The Lion King, Winnie the Pooh and Fantasia!
And finally, we used to have free access to all the Disney theme parks…
At this point we had to stop reading, as Olly’s apoplexy was reaching dangerous levels. Thankfully Dan from Coventry brought him back round with a dose of schadenfreude smelling salts:
I work at a go kart track. I can go on and race, but I choose not to because it’s so boring. I prefer sitting and watching people crash.
Last week we talked about mothers’ mucky-mouthed malapropisms. Here’s one from Adam:
My mom refers to the hot cooked sandwiches that you get at Starbucks as punanis!
Really not sure if she’s trying to be funny or not but I’m not going to say anything.
Bless her, Adam’s mum is still trapped in the late 90s, when any reference to Ali G was guaranteed a good reception. If she sticks with it long enough, it’s bound to roll back into vogue again, right? Like mullets and right-wing politics.
Allegedly, Bronwyn and Simon submitted the following question jointly. However, the wording suggests that it is Bronwyn alone leading the charge:
In between washes, is it better to keep the washing machine door open or closed?
I think it would be better to keep it closed so the seals don’t perish and it doesn’t rust; however my husband is insistent that leaving it ajar is better as it allows the air to circulate.
It turns out that my brain simply refuses to devote any of its activity to this matter, so readers, you must decide. Marital harmony depends upon it.
Independent studies show* that AMT-listeners are of above average physical beauty. So it’s no surprise that Stephen here is trying to trade on his looks:
I entered this silly modelling competition and, against the odds, it seems to be going pretty well. BUT, I need more votes and wondered if you wonderful people would be able to help me out a little bit. As a loooooong time listener I believe the old listener-podcaster privilege should surely have kicked in by now, you know, I scratch your back, you scratch mine kind of thing? And don’t worry when I’m strutting down the catwalks and being interviewed in Vogue, I’ll make sure I mention you and get you some extra column inches.
That’s the only way we’ll ever get in Vogue (unless they need some ‘Before’ pictures for the lipsuction adverts near the back), so readers, click here to vote for Stephen. He’ll need a lot of your clicks to topple the current no.1 seed Roland, though.
You know what we’ve always thought was missing from the confectionery market? Pharmaceuticals! Not really, but that’s because we’re not Sam from Manchester, the Willy Wonka of over-the-counter drugs:
When I was at university, I had too many essays to do in not enough time, so I came up with a new invention – chocolate-covered Pro Plus. It was perfect: an initial hit of chocolate followed by the long lasting effect of Pro Plus. It was so good I thought they should make it!
So answer me this: have you ever had an idea that you think should be taken into production? Obviously other than a national radio station taking up the show and paying you lots of money!
While I recover from the coughing fit brought on by the idea that radio pays lots of money, you readers must go forth to the comments and tell us about your own ideas of gaps in the market. Let’s get some of them into production, people! Ibuprofen jelly, how about it?
I thought you might want to know how this saga ended…
So the director actually asked me last Monday for my recommendations. This time I was prepared for him! I decided to go with the Bugle – it has a political bent and every so often it takes the piss out of Berlusconi (the director is Italian) for bonus points. I can always claim it keeps me on top of current affairs if it backfires on me.
Sorry AMT, you don’t have a listener in high places yet (he must be raking it in). If he likes the Bugle, I might just bite the bullet and let him enjoy the delights of AMT. But hey, at least I kept it in the Zaltzman family!
Thanks! Now why don’t you see if your boss wants to spend some of his supermoney on one of Zack Zaltzman’s sculptures too.
In Answer Me This! Episode 178, we finally discover the point of marriage. It’s not for the love, or for religion, or for the kids. It’s not even for the presents or the party. So what the flap is it for?
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Therein we mention:
the universal train ticket
Eliphas Levi
Buzz Aldrin’s pants
Helen’s slutty mum
the goat of lust
the shittest ride at Thorpe Park
pentagrams
Tetley Tea
McPizzas
Helen and Martin’s divorce settlement
and
the price of nuts.
Plus: Olly wouldn’t want to be the centre of attention on The Happiest Day of His Life (because that would make it too similar to all the other days of his life); Helen operates an equal opportunities policy for animals – she’s happy to cook and eat the ugly ones AND the pretty ones; and Martin the Sound Man tells you how to trap an evil spirit. All you need is a pair of compasses, a ruler and some chalk.
In this week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android), a question from horticulturist Stephen makes us go all Gardener’s Question Time. It must be the smell of manure on the rosebeds that makes Olly hallucinate about a time when we’re wealthy and successful, because if you want your own country pile with 100 acres, don’t ever go into podcasting. EVER.
We do love to hear from you, so please get on the phone (0208 123 5877), the Skype (look for answermethis) or the email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com and ask us your QUESTIONS. If AMT were a sausage, your questions would be the minced pigbits, we would be the rusk and additives. And I think we’ve all just learnt why analogies involving sausages are not a good idea.
Over the years, we’ve noted a number of emotions which AMT stirs in its listenership: amusement, nausea, disgust, disappointment… But this is the first time we’ve been able to add ‘shame’ to the canon. Shamika writes:
I work for a global consultancy in the City. As I was walking out of the office on Friday (already with my headphones on), a director came up to me and asked what was I listening to. I’m a bit of a comedy freak so my phone is full of podcasts like the Bugle, Friday Night Comedy and of course AMT.
I wanted to sound vaguely professional, so I said, “Friday Night Comedy”. This seemed to do the trick as he seemed suitably impressed and we chatted a bit about that until he asked “Oh, what other podcasts do you have that you recommend?”
Now I think you’d be the first to admit that AMT is hardly something you’d share in a professional work environment. So I blustered for a bit and told him I’d find him something good in a week.
I’m hoping he’ll forget, but if he doesn’t, I’m in a bit of dilemma, because I want to recommend AMT but don’t know whether he’ll appreciate it. I don’t want him to change his perception of me, which unfortunately is hugely important as a consultant looking to get promoted in the next year.
So answer me this: do I recommend AMT if he asks me again next week?
Readers, the woman’s on a deadline. Help her out. Have you found that listening to AMT has adversely affected your professional reputation (or your dignity in general)? And is there a podcast Shamika could namedrop which would guarantee her that promotion?
Last week, we discussed the time that the comedian and star of Morons from Outer Space Mel Smith courted controversy at the Edinburgh Fringe by flouting the rules to smoke on stage. But now we find out that his Madonna-kissing-Britney-AND-Christina moment was mere rumour! George corrects us:
The council sent environmental protection officers to the venue (Assembly Rooms) on the first day of Mel Smith’s show and threatened the venue with the revocation of their temporary theatre licence if he were to light up on stage, thereby obviously scuppering their entire Fringe operation.
Mel never smoked on stage in Scotland. He did however take a puff out of the window for photographers on the street below.
And judging by this article George sent to us as corroborating evidence, Mel didn’t handle the matter with much grace either. But today, I am willing to forgive him, having just watched this, the nadir of on-stage ruses to stir up controversy/interest.
Honestly, Rihanna, do you think Nina Simone would have resorted to listlessly dry-humping a poor, foolish concert-goer? Just throw a handful of Quality Street into the crowd. It works for panto, and even a scrum of people fighting to grab a piece of foil containing 0% cocoa solids is less of a degrading sight than this.
I’m currently living in Argentina but will be returning to sunny England in July. This is sad news for me and my boyfriend as I’ll be leaving the continent and he’ll be heading back to Colombia, thus putting an end to our relationship.
I love my boyfriend; however, I was recently contacted by a Brazilian fling from my summer trip to Rio, and found myself neglecting to mention to him that I had a boyfriend, instead referring to him as my “friend”. This doesn’t seem to matter now, as we live in different countries; but I know that he, the Brazilian, will be coming to visit the UK once I’m back and so I didn’t want to burn any bridges.
So answer me this – is it morally wrong to start planning future romantic escapades with someone else whilst still in a relationship, if you know that you inevitably have to split up beforehand?
It’s not morally right, but it is pragmatic. I am a fan of pragmatism. But I’m also a fan of morals. So…conflicted… Readers, help me and Luke in our confusion by giving some good clear advice in the comments.
Here’s a very tricky romantic problem from Sean from London:
I have been going out with my Bangladeshi Muslim girlfriend for three years now, and what with me being an Irish Catholic, she is yet to introduce me to her parents as she thinks they won’t approve (despite my attempts to persuade her).
Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but she is moving back home for the foreseeable future, and it seems unlikely that I will get to spend much time with her.
So answer me this, what should I do? Should I introduce myself against her wishes, put up and shut up, or should I just cut my losses?
There are multiple risks with each approach, respectively: possibly getting your girlfriend into a load of shit with her family; living with the situation for a while, but inevitably having to face the same decision at some point in the future; losing your lady love. On the other hand: you might charm the parents; have a wonderfully old-fashioned relationship by letter; or find that you weren’t well-matched after all and your new single status is, in fact, a boon.
Anyway, seeing as this is a serious dilemma, and one of which many of you may have had similar experiences, let’s tackle it with all the gravitas and tact we can muster: an online poll.
What would you do if you had the run of the Houses of Parliament? Rifle through all the documents with TOP SECRET stamped on them? Leave a drawing pin on the Speaker’s chair? Try on all of Theresa May’s shoes? Or use their wifi to listen to Answer Me This! Episode 177?
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In this episode we contemplate that matter, and others:
Shutter Island
anti-gravity
Dodgy
art vs. law
parliamentary privilege vs. podcasting privilege
the BBFC vs. the Mull of Kintyre test
accredited space agents
conspiracy theorists
school play smoking
reprobate Mel Smith
Princess Michael
‘Governor’ Palin
‘Cape Canaveral’
and
squid rings.
Plus: Olly would have got more action at university had it not been for his inner gameshow; Helen gives a lesson on basic squid anatomy; and Martin the Sound Man swears that with bog-standard telescopes, you could read a copy of yesterday’s Evening Standard that someone had left on Uranus as clearly as gawking at it over the shoulder of your fellow commuter. This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone or Android) sees Olly point the finger at the real villains of the 21st century: anyone who puts one of these in their mouth. You monsters!
You have until June 5th to snap up free audiobooks and half-price Audible membership at answermethispodcast.com/audible, but you have all the time you need to ask us QUESTIONS, in the form of voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Although don’t take too long over it, because we’ve got to be back here next week with a new episode, and without your questions in it, it’d be like we’d turned time back to Web 1.0. Which is just too awful to contemplate.
Answer Me This! Podcast 