June | 2008 | Answer Me This! Podcast

Archive for June, 2008

Helen and Olly looking unusually animated for a Monday morning…

June 30, 2008

Oh listeners, we do love it when you send us things. Questions, that’s a given. Pictures, a rare but great delight. And now animator Weles Bussett has gone and turned the pretitles from Episode 45 into a piece of animation for the dialogue* section of his portfolio! Loooooook!!!

I only wish we were that charming, moving and toned in real life.

Anyway if any of the rest of you fancies sending us your creative projects, we really look forward to seeing what you come up with: a Punch & Judy-style puppet show, with Helen and Olly beating each other with tiny truncheons? A feature-length Pixar version of Answer Me This? A Jan Svankmajer-esque version in which Helen and Olly are played by sausages? Weles has set the bar pretty high, but that certainly would arrest our attention…

*if the speech looks a bit out of sync, it’s not Weles’s fault – Youtube likes to jigger about with that sort of thing, just in case you forget who’s boss.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Tags:animation
Posted in AMT Gallery, Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, frippery, visuals | 1 Comment »

Well, have YOU ever seen a penguin with hiccups?

June 30, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 60 **

Hiccup cures are still a hot topic, even though Episode 58 is but a distant memory (yeah, I know it was less than three weeks ago, but these days my mind is as retentive as a crocheted teapot). Amy has written in with the following fun-sounding hiccup cure:

when i have hiccups i stand up and pull my arms behind my back and pretend I’m a penguin, it pulls your diaphragm back.
and it works! (plus is quite entertaining if you tell someone who’s doing it that they have to make a penguin noise)

Yikes! Isn’t that also how they tell you to kill a dog that’s attacking you?

On the tandem subject of sneeze prevention, Olly himself piped up to say that talking about an oncoming sneeze often makes it dissipate. Rather like discussing that novel you say you’re going to write one day, or the names of the children you’re planning to have with the partner you’ve only known a week…

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, sneezing | 1 Comment »

EPISODE 60 – I’d love to see Diddy in a monocle

June 26, 2008

This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

the lovely Julie Halard

Wimbledon’s begun, so let’s all enjoy this picture of French tennis pin-up Julie Halard. Actually, the only one of us likely to enjoy it to a particularly valuable extent is questioneer Roger Stout, who in Episode 60 confesses that she was the object of his teenage crushes. Don’t worry, Roger, we’re not going to fight you for her.

But why don’t we all accompany Roger on a trip down Memory Lane, at the end of which waits the objects of our adolescent affections, holding a posy and looking a bit rougher than we remembered? Let us know which Hottie was on the posters you kissed before going to sleep (isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing?) by leaving a comment below; and then have a listen to Episode 60.

It’s bulging like the Incredible Hulk’s trouser-seams with subjects such as:

lorgnettes
egg fried rice vs. fried egg and rice
ortolans
My So-Called Life
Brian Blessed
early Atomic Kitten: hot or not?
Kate Nash’s multitasking
botanical private parts
Bombalurina
spiky urethra-fish
and
Jon La Joie‘s song about ladies you wouldn’t want to take home to mother.

Furtheremore Olly, tired of slating Wales, this week goes for Scotland, France and Chinese medics; Helen abuses her potential paramours; and Martin the Sound Man tries to destroy the podcast by inserting his catchphrase ‘he looks like perfectly smooth pubis’ at any given opportunity (thanks to the wonders of editing, listeners, you are spared this horror. Be grateful. Very grateful). We also reveal the silliest Google searches which, according to our blog stats page, have resulted in Answer Me This!, and if you like the sound of that, then you might also like the sight of this.

There’s not much else to add except PLEASE SEND US YOUR QUESTIONS by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skype-ing answermethis.

Yup. That is all. Toodle-pip!

Helen and Olly

Add this episode to:
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

Whoopee! More Google fun!!!

June 26, 2008

Can you believe that the summer larkarama of our Top 10 Funny Google Searches Which Resulted In Answer Me This! Rather Than Anything Like What They Were Hoping To Find was a whole year ago? Can you? No? Yes? Not sure?

Well, you would be stupid to do anything other than believe it, because it is actually true, to the very day. But even though the number of people actually searching for us is now almost equal to those seeking ‘sex chairs’ or ‘cock’, the past year has yielded even more Curious, Funny or Massively Inappropriate Things Which A Search Engine Took To Mean They Were Really Hoping To Be Directed To A Question-Answering Weekly Podcast. In Episode 60 we unveil the ones which ghasted our flabbers to the greatest extent; but they are merely the tip of the iceberg, the heart of the artichoke, the Dangermouse pencil case in the middle of a particularly competitive game of Pass the Parcel. So below are some of the others which tickled, baffled or shocked us. Imagine a jolly little tune as you read them!

The Sneeze-Related Category
still a ridiculously competitive round even after all this time

Most romantic: ‘smell of her sneeze’
Most likely to make Google wonder why it doesn’t ditch its boring friends for some better ones: ‘joss sneezes’
The ‘what were they expecting Google to do about it?’ cup: ‘I am going to sneeze’
The ‘what was the internet like when you were a girl, grandma?’ rosette: ‘ladylike sneezing’
The Titmuss award for most curious mix of Amnesty International, objectification of women, and hayfever: ‘free busty sneezers’
Only ten syllables away from a haiku: ‘sinus sneeze stand up morning’

The Rude Category
yes, we know that’s what the internet’s for, so we shouldn’t have been so surprised…

Strongest proof that too much wanking ruins your spelling: ‘bals’
Cockiest (tie): ‘cock’, ‘nude cock’, ‘cock and balls’, ‘cock coming’, ‘dirty cock’, ‘cock a poo’, ‘cock in a sock’, ‘Mario Italian big cock’, ‘weird cock’, ‘weirdest cock’, ‘cock nose’ (perhaps that’s the answer to the previous two searches?), ‘cock smashing’, ‘cock porn gammy’
Most likely to end in erotic disappointment when the search results in Answer Me This! rather than something titillating: ‘ITUNES SEXY BUSTY PODCASTS’ tied with ‘the podcast you can wank to’
Podcast that people should not be seeking: ‘incest podcast’
Most unexpected perversions: ‘clandestine necrophilia’, ‘piss drinking exciting’, ‘clitoris nose’, ‘Christmas cake nude’ (bleurgh!! Christmas cake is bad enough with all its clothes on!)
Most generous invitation: ‘wank with me’

Questions the internet probably can’t answer satisfactorily because it isn’t actually human:

‘why does my girlfriend smells like onions?’
‘why are you such a cock?’
‘how can i stop curry having a laxative effect?’
‘why do charity adverts make you feel guilty?’
‘how do spaceships keep from hitting comets?’
‘where did luke have to sit for breakfast?’
‘do women prefer large girth for anal sex?’
‘why did you choose to invent vegemite?’
‘why didn’t you answer me Peter?’
Peter! Stop being such a dickhead and come clean about the vegemite, for fuck’s sake.

Potential Band-Names category:

Toothbrush Fuck
Policewoman Striptease
Babypisshorse
Fibby Lovely Dancer
Heart Shaped Bruise
The future Alanis Morrissette Album Title medal: ‘salami tactic shawshank redemption’

Celebrity round:

‘Jean Sarkozy fanclub’
‘Jean-Claude Juncker funny facts’ (There aren’t any. He’s the head of the Christian Social People’s Party in Luxembourg.)
‘Rupert Grint a hit with the ladies’
‘Nigella Lawson fat ass’
‘Lisa Riley Camden’

The Enemy of the State category for revealing the lives of others:
ordered from sordid to poignant

‘Sasha Grey drinks own piss’
‘dangers of piss drinking’ (this one goes out to the memory of Sasha Grey…)
‘brown stain on your penis’ (Google, have you been stirring the tea with your penis again?)
‘am I a lesbian? i want to have sex with’ (sadly the end of this was cut off. The implications of the search are quite different if it is ‘women’ or ‘men’. Even more so if it’s something else entirely)
‘is David the one for me answer me please’ (if you don’t know, how is Google to know?)
‘secret condoms in my boyfriend’s pocket’ (uh-oh… But it’s not like Google can help you with this one, or comfort you as you cry and rip up the photo collage)

The kind of search where Answer Me This! might serendipitously turn out to be to the liking of the searcher:

‘I love After Eights at Christmas’
‘images of topiary and front doors’
‘how to eat seductively ferrero rocher’
‘words often mispronounced by ladies’
‘Helen Zaltzman popcast’ (hee hee hee! Just imagine it!)
‘free eggery lessons’ (don’t even know what they are! But don’t they sound delightful? (If ‘eggery’ is in fact the name of some depraved practice, then please keep it to yourself and let us enjoy this moment))

So, that concludes today’s Search-Engine fun; but if YOU found this podcast by accident when you were searching for something completely different, leave a comment below and tell us what the unlikely word combination was. Hilarity will doubtless ensue!

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in frippery, sneezing | Leave a Comment »

hiccups and sneezes

June 26, 2008

** Click here for EPISODE 59 **

Beth has more advice regarding sneeze/hiccup prevention tactics as raised in Episode 58:

I cure hiccups by drinking out of the wrong side of the glass like Helen’s family. It does actually work and if you are fully capable adult it is easy to do without spilling. It essentially means you are drinking upside down, whether that’s concentration or something to do with the diaphragm I have no idea.

As for sneezing, I tell everybody who has problems getting sneezes out (‘better out than in’, Helen, your tongue method may work but I believe that you should aim to sneeze, not hold it in) that they should look at something light/bright, then to something dark and repeat every few seconds. I think this is because by switching between the two your pupils contract and dilate, and as all things are connected this messes about with your sinuses (and other general sneezy bits), causing you to sneeze out that annoying tickle. I can’t remember if I read this somewhere or made it up, but it definitely works.

Ain’t sinuses crazy? Anyway, a whole NEW question has emerged from this hiccupping debate, thanks to Klaus:

What do you say to someone when they hiccup? With sneezes, it is customary to ‘bless’ the sneezee… when someone coughs, they might say ‘cough up’ or something similar. With a burp, one pardons oneself or is pardoned. But what of hiccups? Why are they are they just forced to linger awkwardly in the air until such a time as someone suggests a dubious hiccup remedy? Please advise!

Hmm, a fine point! In the event that one can refrain from saying ‘Try drinking a glass of water! Hold your breath! Throw yourself down the stairs! Have you tried holding your breath?’ then the usual thing to do is look at the hiccupper in a manner both sympathetic and condescending, if you can manage it; but any more gracious suggestions would be welcomed.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, sneezing, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »

Episode 59 feedback

June 24, 2008

** Click here if you’re keen to listen to EPISODE 59 **

It’s feedback time! No, not when a horrid screeching sound comes out of the sound system at a gig, but when you delightful chappies shed light on issues raised in the podcast. Firstly, Graham from Canada has a tip in response to Adam’s plea for homework excuses in Episode 59:

My tip to avoid work is: eat about 10 multi-vitamins, then a sandwich, then phone your work once the sandwich is eaten and phone in to work sick (the multi vitamin sandwich thing is so barfing noises are real) this could be applied at lunch as well, if you want a half day. (Note, the zinc in the multi-vitamins in larger quantities is what causes the barfing.)

Before you merrily chow down on multivitamins in preparation for the upchuck of your life, please be aware that THIS IS NOT SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE. Also, why waste your fake sick day on actually being sick? But if you’re an emetophile or fervent self-hater, then go right ahead by all means.

Next to clean up one of our messes is Josh, commenting upon Luke from Birmingham‘s question about allergies in Episode 58:

Contrary to what Martin the soundman said, there is such a thing as an allergy to water and it doesn’t kill you before you’re born at all. Interesting!

The condition is called Aquagenic Urticaria. People who have it come up in really painful, itchy, itchy hives after coming in contact with water of any temperature, even their own sweat can trigger an allergic reaction. This means that they have to take really fast showers and have emergency umbrellas on them all the time. Let’s all think about that for a while.

Ouch! Yes, let’s. And then let’s cheer ourselves up by thinking about less severe allergies and weird reactions to foodstuffs, not only because it’s been AGES since we last did that, but also because Beth has been in touch to ask:

Am I the only one who breaks into a forehead sweat when I eat salt and vinegar crisps? Nothing else salty, vinagery or crispy, just them.

IS Beth the only one? Share, readers, share! And while you’re at it, please leave a comment here about your own bizarre food reactions, because we are horrible people who love to laugh at the digestive quirks of unfortunates.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »

EPISODE 59 – 100% swear-free!

June 19, 2008

Welcome, listeners, to a LANDMARK EPISODE OF ANSWER ME THIS!: though we’ve now done enough podcasts to last more than an entire Earth day, Episode 59 is the first ever one in which we curb our urge to swear every five seconds. No, really! Our cravenly uncouth mouths produce nary a Kant, sheet or Phuket. It’s so clean, you could perform an emergency appendectomy with it.

So, if swearing’s off the menu, what the flip isn’t? Well, today’s specials are:

A Chorus Line
Kentish car boot sales
lab-dogs
the Little Shop of Horrors money-box
antiseptic booze
rotten eggs
RE vs Scripture
Joan Collins vs the passage of time
High School Musical vs Helen’s patience
saturated meat fat vs the coronary artery
the Queen Mother
and
the Radiohead version of We Will Rock You.

Furthermore, Olly says more things to ensure that he’ll never get a guest spot on Pobol y Cwm; Helen flips the bird at the World’s Most Popular Biscuit; and Martin the Sound Man defames Zac Efron in a manner that is both disgusting and probably accurate.

It’s Episode 60 next week so if you want your free bus-pass on the AMT Bus, send us QUESTIONS by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skype-ing answermethis; also please get in touch if you know some good cures for hiccups or excuses for handing in your homework/important grown-up documents late. Those are things it is useful for everybody to know.

See you next week, *@£%-face!

Helen and Olly

Add this episode to:
Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | Leave a Comment »

Stools rush in

June 18, 2008

Seeing as we’ve already had one post about bodily functions this morning, let’s just say, “Sod off, bumface!” to delicacy and have another. Regarding the unanswered question “Why are stools called stools, as in bowel movement stools?” in the theme tune of yesteryear’s Episode 38, Graham from Canada theorises:

It could be because poo is one of the first things they use to test, if they don’t know what you have, supporting them, like a stool…

Maverick theory, young Graham. But rarely are semantics so abstract, and the origins of this term are rather more prosaic: in Old English the word ‘stool’ referred to thrones and other such fancy seats, but when the French word ‘chair’ then entered the language, ‘stool’ got relegated to armless and backless seats, including those which one sat upon to evacuate one’s bowels. By the fifteenth century, poor old ‘stool’ was applied not only to the pieces furniture, but also the shits produced thereupon.

From throne to poo…oh, the bathos.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, frippery | Leave a Comment »

Red semen at night…

June 18, 2008

Following the discussion on shades of sperm in Episode 57, Mik wrote in to share this worrying turn of biological and social events:

A while ago my sperm turned bright red. A little worried, I called at my doctor’s. She told me not to worry it was caused by over-active sex (lucky girlfriend) and would gradually disappear. To keep a check I was to wank into a condom every day and compare results. After about a week, and feeling pleased at my now healing sperm, we all had a good night on the town, returning to my place to carry the party on. The question is this: did i get my condoms filled with various shades of spunk out too early to show everyone, as the party atmosphere seemed to lose its direction after that?

Gosh. In an evening of festivities, how early is ‘too early’ to invite admiration of your bloody emissions? If you are one of Mik’s friends who happened to be present at this gory soirée, please leave a comment to say what time would have been the optimum point of proceedings for him to produce his display; then hopefully his future parties won’t peak prematurely.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 2 Comments »

EPISODE 58 – Obviously, I’m happy ALL THE TIME now…

June 12, 2008

Greetings, listeners! And best of luck to you if you’re in the middle of Exam Season, as the several dozen exam-related questions we’ve had in the last few weeks suggest you might well be. To help you out, we’ve had a sneaky peek at the General Studies GCSE paper, and these are some of the essay questions we saw we saw on it:

1.  How did Disney get their princes to look so damn dreamy?
2.  How did Hitler make his nostrils look so small?
3.  What kinds of museums do they have in Cyprus?

Obviously we can’t condone cheating of any kind; but to find out the answers, have a listen to Episode 58, then submit 300 words on three of the following:

the panopticon of Jeremy Bentham
second-hand underwear
fit fonts
the Bluetones
sweaty courgettes
getting it on with Plato
British cheese vs French cheese
steroids vs tear ducts
museum fatigue
the birth of Aphrodite
and
that Kanye West song that Martin won’t shut up about (you may refer to the video at the end of the post to revise).

Furthermore, Olly’s teenage ambitions to turn out like William Baldwin in Sliver; Helen is let down by her entire collection of reference books; and Martin the Sound Man nominates himself as holiday rep for Arse-Scratch Island.

As ever, we love receiving your QUESTIONS as much as Timbaland enjoys making funny honking sounds on other people’s records; so please email them to us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phone them to 0208 123 5877 or Skype them to answermethis.

See you next week, for the first ever swear-free episode of Answer Me This! – we shit you not!

Helen and Olly

Add this episode to:

And here’s Martin’s beloved Kanye West video:

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in PODCASTS | 1 Comment »

Alphabeat confusion

June 11, 2008

Here’s a puzzle, listeners. (Not a puzzle like these puzzles, but a Curious Conundrum which we’ve had trouble answering.)

A few weeks ago, we had the following email from Josie from Surrey:

Is it just me, or does Olly look very much like the man on the video for ‘Fascination’ by Alphabeat – if Olly was a lot younger and Danish? It worries me that every time I see the song on in the school gym, it seems like Olly’s face is looming out at me all the time. This is understandably disturbing – no offence Olly.

Well, perhaps we are just thick-eyed gorms, but we couldn’t work out which member of the band was supposed to look like Olly! Although we did discount the girl. Watch the video and see what you think:

But that’s not the end of the matter. Even if you do think Olly looks like a fellow from Alphabeat, what do you make of this from Dave from Coventry?

Why is it that when I listen to the podcast you two always remind me of the pop duo Alphabeat, even though I know you don’t look or sound anything like them?

Answer us this, listeners: DO WE OR DO WE NOT LOOK LIKE ALPHABEAT????

To help you decide, here’s us:

And here’s Alphabeat:

Can’t tell us apart? There are six of them, for a start.

Do Helen and Olly look like the band Alphabeat?

View Results

more at twiigs.com…

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, frippery, Olly's face | 8 Comments »

International squabbles settled: cookies vs. biscuits

June 11, 2008

Back in Episode 54, listener Michele asked: ‘Why are cookies called Biscuits in Europe? To us, biscuits are something that come with overly fried food at KFC, not a sweet dessert best dunked in coffee. And if you call cookies “biscuits”, what name do you use for the soft flaky bread we Yanks call biscuits?’

The Answer Me This! team get approximately 60% of their energy from biscuits, so were greedily qualified to explain that ‘biscuit’ derives from the Latin for ‘twice-cooked’ and that said ‘soft flaky bread’ would be pretty much the same as what is known in Britain as a scone (although such an item would never be seen in a British KFC, unless a careless old lady had accidentally knocked her cake-stand into the deep fat fryer).

But a question remained: why do Americans call cookies ‘cookies’? Enter David from Canada, a man used to this biscuit/cookie confusion because ‘as a Canadian, we have to deal with both terms’:

It’s because New York used to be New Amsterdam. New Amsterdam was settled by the Dutch, and because New York was so important to the development of the American lexicon, Dutch words were already being used for a lot of everyday items by the time the British took over. Cookie derives from the Dutch word “koekje”, which means a small cake.

As for the American biscuit, you’re right. It’s essentially a bland, sometimes heavy, scone. Often used to sop up gravy. Here in Canada, we call them tea biscuits.

‘Tea biscuits’?? That’s opening up a whole new world of befuddlement! If that’s the name you give them, what do you call the rich tea biscuit, which, confusingly, is far less rich than the Canadian tea biscuit, and completely hopeless when introduced to gravy? I call the rich tea biscuit a tedious waste of snack-time, but I doubt that title has spread across the Atlantic.

Subscribe with iTunes • Listen to previous episodes • Question Archive
FAQ • Facebook Fanclub • Merchandise Superstore • YouTube Channel

Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | 2 Comments »