Whoopee! More Google fun!!!


Can you believe that the summer larkarama of our Top 10 Funny Google Searches Which Resulted In Answer Me This! Rather Than Anything Like What They Were Hoping To Find was a whole year ago? Can you? No? Yes? Not sure?

Well, you would be stupid to do anything other than believe it, because it is actually true, to the very day. But even though the number of people actually searching for us is now almost equal to those seeking ‘sex chairs’ or ‘cock’, the past year has yielded even more Curious, Funny or Massively Inappropriate Things Which A Search Engine Took To Mean They Were Really Hoping To Be Directed To A Question-Answering Weekly Podcast. In Episode 60 we unveil the ones which ghasted our flabbers to the greatest extent; but they are merely the tip of the iceberg, the heart of the artichoke, the Dangermouse pencil case in the middle of a particularly competitive game of Pass the Parcel. So below are some of the others which tickled, baffled or shocked us. Imagine a jolly little tune as you read them!

The Sneeze-Related Category
still a ridiculously competitive round even after all this time

Most romantic: ‘smell of her sneeze’
Most likely to make Google wonder why it doesn’t ditch its boring friends for some better ones: ‘joss sneezes’
The ‘what were they expecting Google to do about it?’ cup: ‘I am going to sneeze’
The ‘what was the internet like when you were a girl, grandma?’ rosette: ‘ladylike sneezing’
The Titmuss award for most curious mix of Amnesty International, objectification of women, and hayfever: ‘free busty sneezers’
Only ten syllables away from a haiku: ‘sinus sneeze stand up morning’

The Rude Category
yes, we know that’s what the internet’s for, so we shouldn’t have been so surprised…

Strongest proof that too much wanking ruins your spelling: ‘bals’
Cockiest (tie): ‘cock’, ‘nude cock’, ‘cock and balls’, ‘cock coming’, ‘dirty cock’, ‘cock a poo’, ‘cock in a sock’, ‘Mario Italian big cock’, ‘weird cock’, ‘weirdest cock’, ‘cock nose’ (perhaps that’s the answer to the previous two searches?), ‘cock smashing’, ‘cock porn gammy’
Most likely to end in erotic disappointment when the search results in Answer Me This! rather than something titillating: ‘ITUNES SEXY BUSTY PODCASTS’ tied with ‘the podcast you can wank to’
Podcast that people should not be seeking: ‘incest podcast’
Most unexpected perversions: ‘clandestine necrophilia’, ‘piss drinking exciting’, ‘clitoris nose’, ‘Christmas cake nude’ (bleurgh!! Christmas cake is bad enough with all its clothes on!)
Most generous invitation: ‘wank with me’

Questions the internet probably can’t answer satisfactorily because it isn’t actually human:

‘why does my girlfriend smells like onions?’
‘why are you such a cock?’
‘how can i stop curry having a laxative effect?’
‘why do charity adverts make you feel guilty?’
‘how do spaceships keep from hitting comets?’
‘where did luke have to sit for breakfast?’
‘do women prefer large girth for anal sex?’
‘why did you choose to invent vegemite?’
‘why didn’t you answer me Peter?’
Peter! Stop being such a dickhead and come clean about the vegemite, for fuck’s sake.

Potential Band-Names category:

Toothbrush Fuck
Policewoman Striptease
Fibby Lovely Dancer
Heart Shaped Bruise
The future Alanis Morrissette Album Title medal: ‘salami tactic shawshank redemption’

Celebrity round:

‘Jean Sarkozy fanclub’
‘Jean-Claude Juncker funny facts’ (There aren’t any. He’s the head of the Christian Social People’s Party in Luxembourg.)
‘Rupert Grint a hit with the ladies’
‘Nigella Lawson fat ass’
‘Lisa Riley Camden’

The Enemy of the State category for revealing the lives of others:

ordered from sordid to poignant

‘Sasha Grey drinks own piss’
‘dangers of piss drinking’ (this one goes out to the memory of Sasha Grey…)
‘brown stain on your penis’ (Google, have you been stirring the tea with your penis again?)
‘am I a lesbian? i want to have sex with’ (sadly the end of this was cut off. The implications of the search are quite different if it is ‘women’ or ‘men’. Even more so if it’s something else entirely)
‘is David the one for me answer me please’ (if you don’t know, how is Google to know?)
‘secret condoms in my boyfriend’s pocket’ (uh-oh… But it’s not like Google can help you with this one, or comfort you as you cry and rip up the photo collage)

The kind of search where Answer Me This! might serendipitously turn out to be to the liking of the searcher:

‘I love After Eights at Christmas’
‘images of topiary and front doors’
‘how to eat seductively ferrero rocher’
‘words often mispronounced by ladies’
‘Helen Zaltzman popcast’ (hee hee hee! Just imagine it!)
‘free eggery lessons’ (don’t even know what they are! But don’t they sound delightful? (If ‘eggery’ is in fact the name of some depraved practice, then please keep it to yourself and let us enjoy this moment))

So, that concludes today’s Search-Engine fun; but if YOU found this podcast by accident when you were searching for something completely different, leave a comment below and tell us what the unlikely word combination was. Hilarity will doubtless ensue!

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