We hope you are all safe and sound wherever you are in the world, and that this year’s trend for End of Days-style disasters has left you unscathed. We can’t stave off the apocalypse, but we can offer you 29 minutes of distraction while you wait, in the form of Answer Me This! Episode 171:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On today’s conversational dance-card are topics including:
Brian Wilson
broken teapots
Kafka
5ive vs. Jesus Lizard
Dorothy Wordsworth vs. Macaulay Culkin
William Wordsworth vs. Jade Goody stupid shoe-shaped planters
fairy codmothers
Kate Middleton’s genetically modified footmen
Harold Wilson’s lying wife Pandaemonium
Fifteen to One
Christ’s comeback tour
and
flesh-trampolining.
Plus: Olly suggests that Cinderella be a bit more nonconformist in her eveningwear style if she wants to make a splash in society; Helen’s green brogues make her an outcast in the Apple Store; and Martin the Sound Man’s dainty guts could bring in the win if any of us decided to go on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. Major Charles Ingram, eat your heartfart out!
Today’s Bit of Crap on the App is a discussion upon whether sentimental idiots like Olly should cook peas for their cats, or whether said beasts should learn to tough it out. You can get that app for iPhone or Android for mere pence; but remember, it costs nothing to send us your QUESTIONS, so squander a load of no-money by leaving voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or findanswermethis on Skype) or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. We may not be rich, but a wealth of questions is all the wealth we need. (Well, it isn’t, but that’s hardly your problem, is it? And as soon as we get our Playdate with the Stars agency off the ground, we’ll be rolling in the good stuff.)
This week, there’s no finer entertainment than the live footage of Charles Taylor’s trial at the Hague. But second in the chart, and hopefully less upsetting to Mia Farrow, is Answer Me This! Episode 145:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Amongst the evidence we disclose are such exhibits as:
Bombalurina
kopi luwak
Brixton
Gwen Stefani’s stockings
sewer gas lamps vs. energy-saving lightbulbs
Nice biscuits vs. nice biscuits vs. no biscuits
Morrison’s sausages Inside Nature’s Giants
Ben de Lisi’s new gig
interspecies romance
crotch branding
steam power
and
the frozen pea goldfish detox
Plus: Olly teaches the etiquette demanded of an interaction with the police (1. curtsey; 2. hold your kid gloves in your left hand at all times; 3. turn widdershins only); Helen prioritises which side to expose to a wardfull of patients; and Martin the Sound Man takes a big bubbly bath in listener love for his new album (out now on iTunes, Amazon and in pretty physical form, Martyfans! Go on, make an old man very happy).
Now don’t just sit there, bursting with pent-up QUESTIONS; send them to us instead! We like them in the form of a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. They will come in really handy for Episode 146, which you can hear next Thursday; and on Tuesday, come back for the final episode of Great British Questions, in which we take toilet humour to new levels.
Cover your kiddies’ ears during Answer Me This! Episode 139. Not just because of the usual effing and blinding (although that can’t be wholesome for them, surely?), but because this week, we talk about [whisper] Where Babies Come From [/whisper]. Shudder!
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Aside from the role of birds in the human reproductive process, we speak of:
Sauron’s bird feeders
Billy Kennedy’s fluffy dice
posset
turkey farming
‘shimmering apricot mould’
bloodworm
Kia-Ora
the Virgin Mary vs. pelicans
Ted Heath vs. Hugh Grant
chum salmon vs. chambermates
Chambourcy Hippopotamousse
and
the correct classification of pasta salad.
Plus: Olly turns his fishbowl into a scene from Cannibal Holocaust; Helen busts out another member of her Nauseating Cookery Book collection; and Martin the Sound Man seems to know more than the average sound man about clinical trials, although he was born and raised in a petri dish in a GlaxoSmithKline laboratory…
Now don’t get upset, but after next week’s episode, we’ll be taking a month off to rest our voices. So get your QUESTIONS in, quick! Call 0208 123 5877, Skype answermethis or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. See you next Thursday, and we’ll make that precious time together count, ok?
We see a dark blot on the horizon. A dark, sports-shaped blot. Wimbledon AND the World Cup football in the next month? It’s too much for our sensibilities. We can’t stop it; we can’t pretend to like it; but we can prepare ourselves, so we try to limber up with a bit of tangentially sportif chitterchatter in Answer Me This! Episode 138:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Don’t worry, the majority of the content is non-sportular, including:
Project Runway
Jacques Chirac G8 Fail
Hobbycraft
Wenlock and Mandeville vs. Banksy and David Shrigley
Ped Egg vs. fungal nail infection in the Battle of the Turned Stomachs
Yoshiaki Shiraishi
massage
sitting shivah
the obscure early life of Jools Holland
NASA entry requirements
and
bacon bras.
Plus: Olly finds the present day to be lagging behind in meeting targets set in The Terminator; Helen reveals the secret that made Neil Armstrong the first man on the moon; and Martin the Sound Man is quite quiet and well-behaved because he’s really thinking about getting back to playing Red Dead Redemption. A podcast cannot come between the man and his PS3. Harrumph.
We’re looking to you to keep our spirits up in these tryingly footbally times, so please send us QUESTIONS with which to distract ourselves, in the form of a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis or an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Ta for that.
ELECTION ELECTION WINEHOUSE’SBROKENBOOBS ELECTION ELECTION ELECTION KATONA. That’s all we’re hearing about this week, and frankly it’s wearing us down. Listeners, perhaps you feel the same; or perhaps you don’t live in Britain and therefore didn’t even know there was an election on. And now that you do, you couldn’t give a tortoise’s bra about it. But hopefully we can all agree to settle down and listen toAnswer Me This! Episode 133, before returning to deface Tory pamphlets/whatever the hell you non-Brit-residents were up to:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week we speak of:
Tory tax breaks
Smith Kendon travel sweets
Kenneth Tynan
Scotney Castle
Birmingham Selfridges
Tate Modern
satnav wipes
sphygmomanometers
sexting vs. proper infidelity
Facebook vs. Friends Reunited
syntax vs. inflections
souvenir pencils
the Paris Expo
James Citizen Kane
Sarah Kane Hamlet II In the Night Garden
and
Ozwald Boateng.
Plus: Olly yearns for the rural life, tilling the soil and raising livestock; Helen is shocked by the potty-mouth affecting Woman’s Hour; and Martin the Sound Man seems to know more about blood pressure than the average district nurse. And some news that might be more exciting to us than to you, and more exciting to our mums than anyone else.
You know what’s definitely exciting all round, though? Your QUESTIONS! So give us a thrill by sending them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. Our timbers are shivering in anticipation.
We may have had some jolly good news yesterday, but by gum, even though we should be taking a celebratory bath in fizzy booze or something, we are not slacking off on our podcasting duties. Heavens no. It’s business as usual, so here is Answer Me This! Episode 130:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week’s award-nominated trash talk includes:
bodysnatchers
the lamb of God
Galen
Norsical languages
Arawak Little Shop of Horrors The Game The Game
giant Bearded Fig Trees
sex homeopathy
retort cooking
Justin Bieber
zombies
antifreeze
and
the 1832 Anatomy Act.
Plus: Olly can only dream of being as innovative/stupid as the inventor of the Revolution Grill’N’Chill; Helen’s late granny ensures she’ll never be able to enjoy a nice blue china pig; and as well as featuring a questioneer’s tip to make you a proper hit with the Ladies, we come up with an ingenious scheme to entertain the pedestrians of central London AND rid the streets of the litter of freesheets. Get on it, Westminster Council!
Also, if you haven’t already, go to Martin the Sound Man’s website to download his latest Sound of the Ladies podcast to hear his smashing new song ‘What We Did With Our Lives’, as well as hear what he had to say in interviews with a few other podcasts. Yes, he cheated on AMT! Eh, who can blame him.
As always, please do ask us QUESTIONS for future episodes, by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leaving a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. That would be luvverly.
Travel back mentally to last week’s episode, and thank your lucky stars that doctors now print out prescriptions; Sara from California explains why:
In your last episode you talked about doctors’ handwriting and how bad it is. I know that they’re in a hurry, but they should make sure to write clearly because my grandmother nearly died as a result of a doctor’s handwriting. She had tuberculosis and the pharmacist misread the prescription and she was given ten times the correct dose of her antibiotics.
Back yet one more week, to Lauren of the boss with the secret campaign to fire her, for whom Darren offers some advice:
Im currently studying for an MA in human resources management. If Lauren has more than a year’s service for the company then she has some rights over dismissal and would be entitled to a chance to improve. I would imagine putting her in a situation like they have with the email would constitute a form of constructive dismissal.
Without knowing more about her circumstances, I couldn’t say for sure; but if you could let her know that she may have some protection then I feel I will have done my civic duty.
Consider said civic duty done, Darren; although by now, Lauren’s stay of execution has probably elapsed and she’s either pulled her socks up or been consigned to watching daytime TV in her jimjams until the job market improves. Let’s hope that, whatever happens, she ends up as happy in her employ as the enigmatically-named C from the USA:
I absolutely love my job! It’s the best! I earn less than I could so I can do what I do.
Writing opinions for an administrative adjudicator in a government agency in one of the United States sounds dull, but I’m part of the “they” everyone dreads and fears. But I have a conscience, empathy and a brilliant legal mind.
My job is a cross between Mr. Spock and Santa Claus. I parse through legal jargon and chicanery, and in most cases, I hand out bags of money! And unlike criminal defense, I don’t hurt anyone. I LOVE MY JOB!
Hooray! Anyone else love their jobs? Tell us in the comments!
After a refreshing month in the Podcasters’ Rehabilitation Facility, we’re back with springs in our step, twinkles in our eyes, and most importantly (as far as you’re concerned), Answer Me This! Episode 125:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Into which vessel we pour such conversational juices as:
Jason Orange
henbane
Carl Perkins
the Sugababes
John Steinbeck
psoriasis vs. cirrhosis Voodoo Doughnut fail
Boney M x4
Columbia Law School
Duffy by proxy
the truth and Alan Titchmarsh
Rickrolling
deuce (not the band!)
and
the sex life of E.M. Forster.
Plus: Olly opens up a can of whup-ass on a listener who is an even more massive pedant than Helen; Helen yearns one day to be given the sack; and Martin the Sound Man has a practical solution for all you flatulent yoga-practicing types out there.
For more solutions, practical or impractical, to YOUR QUESTIONS, send us an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or leave a voicemail on Skype IDanswermethis or our question line 0208 123 5877. If you do that, we can come back next week to answer yet more of your questions, see? How splendid! See you then!
Helen and Olly
PS. Help yourself to a bit of Olly’s birth-song ‘Stand and Deliver’, why don’t you? And head to the comments to tell us what was the Number 1 song on the day you were born, too!
Seems Canada survived Olly’s recent skiing trip intact, but did Olly himself? Did you have a sweepstake on just how long he would succeed on the slopes? Find out whether he was a natural snowMann or pisspoor on the piste in Answer Me This! Episode 123 [or just ask his doctor]:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Wherein we talk of:
Pinocchio’s nose: logical tool or moral tool?
the pain of childbirth The Wedding Banquet one SICK PUPPY (mildly NSFW, unless you are happy for your colleagues to think you are a bit of a perv)
keratin
driving with Homer Simpson
cod liver oil
bums vs. sharks
the wrong way to achieve the work/life balance
and
fugu.
Plus: Olly finds himself uncharacteristically bashful at being the centre of attention; Helen outlines the original sense of ‘no glove, no love’; and Martin the Sound Man thinks that a really intelligent question is one about pissing into a jug. Incidentally, last week he was setting exam questions for Physics undergraduates; so if you happen to be sitting one of Dr Austwick’s papers, by that standard you should sail through.
Now, don’t be upset, but this is the penultimate episode in the current series of Answer Me This!; we’ll be back on 4th March with renewed question-answering vigour. But tune in next Thursday for Episode 124, in which we have a very exciting announcement. No, none of us our pregnant. Guess again. No, we’re not undergoing gender reassignment either. Shut up.
So until then, chop chop and get your free Audible audiobooks HERE – and please ask all your friends and enemies to take up the offer as well! You could also tell them to ask us a QUESTION for next series, by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or leaving a message with Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. And in return we’ll…um…dedicate a bench to you?
See you next week!
Helen and Olly
PS As promised, this is for all you toenail fetishists out there:
We must warn you, Answer Me This! Episode 111 is a wee bit smutty. We face questions about onanism, X-rated films and naughty nuns; plus Olly demonstrates why you will never want to invite him to scatter seeds in your flowerbeds. Hear it now:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In cleaner climes, we also discuss:
Mars Attacks! vs. Big Fish
crossbar vs. no crossbar
poor old Jessica Simpson
H.H. Suplee
fly-tipping
sad scenes at Streatham Station
the University of Bologna
the intergalactic Gillian McKeith
endohedrofullerines
and
Castlemaine XXXX.
Furthermore: one of Helen’s rare displays of good manners lands her in hot water; Olly reveals himself to have yet another feminine side; and Martin the Sound Man posits that being able to do stuff with teeny weeny bits of carbon is better than being able to save lives. Don’t you dare disagree with him though, or he’ll make you read his doctoral thesis from cover to cover. We gave it a go, but it wasn’t fun. However we definitely love to read your QUESTIONS, which you can ask us via answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. Please please us by doing that!
As the age of economic belt-tightening continues tiresomely, listener Alex from Nottingham has kindly lent us his cunning way of getting drunk on the cheap. If you want to know what his budget route to fast-track inebriation is – involves both do-gooding and personal risk! – then just bend your ear to Answer Me This! Episode 106:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
And on today’s dance-card:
Brighton Pavilion
Jennifer Lopez
We Are Klang’s furniture
the asymmetry of marriage
London vs. York
Tallahassee vs. Martin’s sanity
Puritans vs. decor
Ann Widdecombe vs. the Jonas Brothers
double-barrelled surnames
the antiques of the future
Olly’s grandmother’s wallpaper
Helen’s father’s gullibility
and
the dragon in Shrek
Plus: Olly’s Big Blood Giveaway is ruined by alternative medicine; Helen is defeated by mere wallpaper; and Martin the Sound Man brings someone back from the dead, or at least wakes them up after a moderate thwack to the head. He’s a miracle-weaver! Bring your children to Answer Me This! Towers and he will bless them for £20 a head. 10% discount for two-headed babies.
Aaaanyway, if you have a problem concerning your two-headed baby, or perhaps another query of some kind, let us know! Send your QUESTIONSto answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, or speak them to Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877.
Right, we’re off to nab the last remaining blackberries in Crystal Palace park before the birds shit on all of them, but we’ll see you next week. Bye!
It’s this time of year where we find it difficult to do much beyond faffing, time-wasting and procrastinating. But fortunately we managed to rise from our couches of sloth long enough to bring out Episode 104:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through iTunes or a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Wherein we speak of:
armchair geography
the mockery of medical students
brie
Olly’s missing kidney
the Observer Food Monthly celebrity shopping-basket critiques
big bully Russia
bunk beds
Dr Gunter von Hagens
Terry Wogan
and
what Big and the army have in common.
Furthermore, Helen busts out an unexpected St Etienne cover, Olly reveals his wish to dress like a 4-year-old girl in a nativity play, and Martin the Sound Man says he hates to dent Olly’s ego although he clearly does NOT hate that AT ALL.
Our complaints department also rumbles into action, so we’d just like to reiterate that if you send us a question and it doesn’t get answered, it’s nothing personal, ok? We love you all equally! Read our FAQ to see our various excuses for not keeping up with every question you donate; keep the faith, and keep sending us your QUESTIONS in the form of an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or a voice message via Skype IDanswermethis or the question line 0208 123 5877. We can’t promise to answer, but we’ll do our best! (Although we will do our better best if you slip us a brown envelope full of tenners…)
; and Martin the Sound Man seems to know more than the average sound man about clinical trials, although he was born and raised in a petri dish in a GlaxoSmithKline laboratory…
; Helen’s late granny ensures she’ll never be able to enjoy a nice blue china pig; and as well as featuring a questioneer’s tip to make you a proper hit with the Ladies, we come up with an ingenious scheme to entertain the pedestrians of central London AND rid the streets of the litter of freesheets. Get on it, Westminster Council!
vs. 
and the army have in common.
Answer Me This! Podcast 