Saint David, you’ve been lucky to have your own Day for so long, but it’s time to move over, because you know what March 1st is? JUSTIN BIEBER’S 18th BIRTHDAY! His song has more than 700m views on YouTube; how many people saw your ‘greatest’ miracle? Which was what, again? Oh, yes – you created a new hill. In Wales. You managed to find the only bit of Wales that wasn’t already a hill, and turned it into a sodding HILL! Now the monks don’t have a flat cricket pitch! Thanks a bloody bunch. Sit the heck down, and don’t even dare complain while they turn your charming cathedral into a bouncy castle for Justin to play in on his Bieberthday.
Also happening today: Answer Me This! Episode 207.
Plus: Olly has a Celebrity Row over the controversial revamped Clissold Park cafe; Helen has a split personality, if the Myers-Briggs test is anything to go by; and Martin the Sound Man is the Voice of the Yoof, much to the sorrow of the Yoof themselves.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is concerned with the plight of Ben from Durham, who has lost an eyebrow. Wax in haste, repent at leisure, as my grandmother never had to say because nobody would EVER have been so foolish in her day.
We always want your QUESTIONS, and this week is no different: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
I have friends on my Facebook account two years younger than me.
I see on Facebook there is a relationship option and I see some people who are younger than me are always in a relationship (which are in real life also) and in these relationships they say to each other that they are “Their true love”, “Love you forever”.
This fucking annoying relationships last a period of from 1 day to 1 month averagely.
So answer me this!
Do you think relationships at this age will go into them getting married and living together forever?
Hahahaha! OF COURSE NOT. In fact, how many decisions do 11-year-olds ever make which last forever? And as their superior in age, why are you allowing this to agitate you so? Smile indulgently as you observe their little romances play out over Facebook in less time than it takes to defrost a turkey.
But keep that smile even if they turn out to be in it for the long haul, and start cluttering up their walls with posts about joint bank accounts and trips to the garden centre and redrawing their wills so their love receives their collection of Tonka toys; for you, Tim, are a lone wolf, not being so rash as to let yourself be tied down at such a young age, keeping yourself free to play the field. Even though playing in the playground isn’t such an implausible option at this point.
Pat yourselves on the back, please, for giving such sage advice to last week’s correspondent who was plaintively contemplating dumbing down to find love. She has written back:
Thank you so much for answering my question; what you said actually made sense. Yesterday I actually went on a date with a guy I really like, so thanks for talking me out of doing something I would regret.
Poor old Scott from London has got himself into a Slough of Despond (yes, a John Bunyan reference on AMT – DEAL WITH IT!):
I have been attempting to be more creative recently.
Last month I attempted National Novel Writing Month – and failed.
I’m trying to maintain a regular YouTube video – and failing.
I’m trying to write a short stand-up set – and failing.
The source of my problem seems to be motivation; after a few days I get overwhelmed by the pointlessness of whatever it is I am doing and lose any motivation to do it.
This also applies in part to my university work: I’ve been set ten chapters for ten different books to read for next week and I’m finding it hard to apply myself to it.
So, answer me this: how do you motivate yourself to finish things, both academically and creatively?
With one or a combination of the following three things:
1. fear;
2. deadlines;
3. money.
Without them at our back (1, 2) or waved in front of our face (3), ain’t no chance of us getting off our lazy arses.
With your academic work, you have a good dose of 2, and the prospect of 1 in the form of a stern telling-off if you don’t get done in time. Also, even though nobody’s offering you a pile of 3 for your efforts, you’ll be wasting your own if you don’t get on with it.
However, your other endeavours lack any of the three because you’re driving them solely, with no concrete aim in mind. So set yourself some targets – perhaps booking a spot at an open mic comedy night a couple of weeks hence, because then you’ll HAVE to get the stand-up written (unless you fancy trying your hand at improv, which I cannot recommend, because – well, face it, it’ll be shit).
But self-set deadlines only work for some people – not me, because I know I can shirk them since who’s going to tell me off I miss them? Me? Ha, as if! – so if you are one of those, try finding somebody else who similarly needs a kick up the arse, and agree to be each other’s arse-kicker. Write dates in a calendar, and levy fines if those dates aren’t met. Hey, nobody said creativity was supposed to be FUN. Or creative.
Readers, if you’ve got tips for galvanising Scott into embarking upon his masterworks, please add them in the comments. Alas, I can’t offer you any incentive, except altruism. And a cut of the royalties from Scott’s novel and comedy DVD sales in five years’ time.
Answer Me This! Episode 206 is an exciting one, because we’re joined by legendary comedian and erstwhile rabbi Jackie Mason!
We snuck backstage to talk to him at the Wyndhams Theatre, where he’s performing his farewell show Fearless – click here to find out more about it and buy tickets – and we learned many things: real people are better to watch than Caddyshack II; Lucozade has yet to break America; and Madonna is a sick person (well, we did have an inkling of that already).
For more wisdom, listen:
Before you get to hear Jackie, though, you have to listen to us waffling on as usual, about such matters as:
legless frogs
the legal smoking age limit
litotes
sex vs. Buckaroo
Roman numerals Snog Marry Avoid?
proxy servers
and
heirloom gobstoppers.
Plus: Olly exposes The Artist complainers as FRAUDS; Helen’s inner Russell Brand is unleashed; and before you ask, the reason Martin the Sound Man didn’t come with us to meet Jackie Mason is NOT because no goys were allowed, but because he had to go to work! Science waits for no man.
There’s more Jackie in this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, where he holds forth upon the upcoming US election and Harry Redknapp’s dog, so fire up your iDevices or Android.
AMT is back to its normal guestless state next week, but we’re not alone so long as we have your QUESTIONS; so leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or send an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Our next correspondent Michael from California has had enough of Dangerous Mindsing it, and needs you readers to go to the comments to decide for him the next leg of his career. He says:
I’ve been teaching English and history to twelve-year-olds for so long that my very first students are now entering middle age. This has gone on long enough; it is time for me to get into some other field of endeavor. Answer me this: what line of work would a teacher’s particular skill set allow me to enter?
Bodily functions. They’re a bother, aren’t they? It’s the bloody 21st century, SURELY we could have evolved out of having them by now! Or at least James Dyson could have invented something to sort them out better than the flawed systems currently available. Hurry up, Mr Dyson; Rachel needs you:
I’m writing from Lima, Peru where I work as a copywriter. I’ve been living in Lima for five weeks now and there is one thing that is really bothering me about this country, so please answer me this:
Why can’t you flush toilet paper down the toilet in Peru?
When I first started working here, I noticed that there was a little sign on the office toilet cubicle doors saying ‘Please don’t flush paper down the lavatory’. At first I thought this was just an office thing. However I came home yesterday to find that my cleaner had put up a sign in MY bathroom, opposite my toilet, saying ‘Please don’t flush toilet paper down the toilet’. It was accompanied with a picture of a sad/irritated-looking cartoon toilet. WHY?!?
If it doesn’t go down the toilet where is it supposed to go? If they have always had a problem with putting toilet paper down the toilet then why haven’t they come up with a better system yet? Like inventing the ‘three seashells‘ thing they talk about in Demolition Man.
Don’t get me wrong, I expected there to be some cultural differences when I moved to Lima from York; but this seems very odd. I am still putting my paper in the toilet and nothing bad seems to be happening. This means I am putting clean paper in the bin to trick my nosy cleaner.
I’m not a Peruvian plumber (surprise!), so my answer is pure speculation. I understand that the same is true in many areas of Greece, because the plumbing cannot cope with paper, and in their present plight I doubt that replacing all the country’s piping is top of their agenda.
So I guess that either Peru is the same, or that everybody has colonics there. Peristalsis is SO 19th-century, Rachel! Get with it.
This question is a companion to the previous post. It’s from Anonymous Girl:
I am thinking about dumbing myself down to get guys to like me; can you give me some advice? I can’t talk to anyone at home because they will just think I’m stupid.
Some questions for you, Anonymous Girl:
i) If they think you’re stupid, there’s no need to dumb down, eh?
ii) Is the guy you want to be with somebody who only likes dumb people?
iii) If so, why do you want to be with him?
iv) Is it really the case that men prefer dumb women, anyway? If I had dumbed down, my paramours would have been contending with someone annoying AND stupid! They wanted me for my brains, because I could help them with the difficult crossword.
Readers, if you can answer any of my or Anonymous Girl’s questions, please do so in the comments. Assuming you’re bright enough to find them.
What is the French for ‘cougar’? Max here needs to know, tout de suite:
I have recently started working in Paris as an intern and have taken a bit of a liking to the gorgeous French receptionist. She’s a bit of a bombshell, and I always make the time to go and chat to her as I try my best to look busy and vaguely aware of how to do what they pay me for.
I’ve asked her out for a drink before and she always hits me with a cheeky “maybe” and an even cheekier smile. Things have, however, hit something of a snag since she found out that I am only 20 and she is 31: last time we spoke she said I was “too young for her”. I replied that I wasn’t like most twenty-year-olds, to which she said I “Certainly wasn’t” but I still am unsure how best to proceed.
Obviously going out with an older (slightly) French woman is too good an opportunity to pass up and I think it ticks all men’s boxes, but she is also very sweet and charming.
So answer me this: what’s the best way of persuading her that I’m ‘all man’?
Apart from dropping tes pantalons and giving her a good look at your steak frites? Probably acting like a proper grown-up. Stop telling her how many Jagerbombs you puked down yourself last night; start dressing like a French version of Don Draper and ask her out on a very sophisticated date, eg at a support group for those suffering from unbearable existential angst after reading too much Camus.
Readers, you may infer that I have no experience in seducing gorgeous French receptionists, but if you have, please repair to the comments and offer Max votre conseil.
So many wangs in Answer Me This! Episode 205. Big ones. Little ones. Extended ones. Stone ones. Religious ones. Cold ones. Coal-fired ones…
We also consider:
Cillian Murphy in Batman
Jock Kinneir and Margaret Calvert
cemetery etiquette
snowman conformity
scarecrows
steam-power
phallus-power
naked shame
vibrators for health
Akzidenz-Grotesk
prudes vs. exhibitionists
traffic lights vs. policemen
and
pirated story tapes.
Plus: Olly doesn’t pull in Pret A Manger; Helen explains why Death By Vagina was a pretty unavoidable option for the sexually active Victorian lady; and Martin the Sound Man strips off at festivals, because he likes to evoke the bacchanalia of Burning Man all over the place. Or, rather, because he wants to go on the waterslides.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android), Olly explains how he could have prevented a decade of war, had the pull of literature not been too strong.
Next week, all going according to plan, we will be joined by a special guest: legendary comedian Jackie Mason! So send us QUESTIONS for him, marked ‘For Jackie’: email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
…but if that’s your aspiration, there’s something very wrong with your life.
However, if you’ve ever fancied starting a podcast but have no idea how to go about it, I’ve mined our 5+ years of podcasting glorypersistence and come up with a potted guide to podcasting for beginners. Click here to read it, then go forth and podcast.
Here’s a hairy situation from Patrick from Nottingham:
My barber runs a very enticing deal of buy 10, get one free. Living in the beautiful East Midlands, my haircuts cost me merely £8, which as male tradition dictates must be rounded up to £10.
After over two years of religiously attending the same barber, I have finally achieved the glorious achievement of my tenth haircut. This now presents me with a problem: when I go for my freebie, is the tip included as a freebie? It seems that free should mean free: but should I pay the regular and expected £2, or does that seem mean?
Hmm. That’s a tough one. I’m one of those arseholes who doesn’t habitually tip after a haircut – because i) the hairdresser’s hourly salary is at least ten times mine and ii) they never do what I want – so have no idea about the correct answer. Readers, step into the comments and help out this polite-sounding man, otherwise he might panic about going to the barber’s until his hair is so long, it’s a trip hazard.
Answer Me This! Podcast 