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Disney World man shortage solution

December 11, 2013

✯ DECK YOUR EARS WITH THE AMT CHRISTMAS ALBUM ✯

medium_KLjlko

If Sarah Beeny can set up a dating service, perhaps we can too? Our first specimen could be Tony from Perth, Western Australia, who writes:

I just finished listening to AMT280 and in it you mentioned Chesca who has started working at Disney World Florida. I thought I would put it out there that I am also single and I happen to be heading over to Florida in April next year. So answer me this: do you think I have a chance with Chesca?

Chesca, if you’re reading this: fancy going on a blind date with a man about whom we know nothing aside from he’s an AMT fan and lives in one of the most remote cities in the world, so it would probably be more of a quickie than a relationship? Let us know and we’ll set you kids up!

Caitlin from Breckenridge, Colorado chips in:

I heard that one of your listeners works at Disney World and has the issue of too few men. I have been living in a ski town and find I have the opposite problem. There are far more men then women. The solution to your listener’s problem is move to a ski town!

However it is not all that it appears. The saying goes: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” Despite the numbers being in my favor, there are few men that are worth dating. What would your tactic be in sorting out the good boys from the odd ones? Should I create a quiz? Should they have a set of criteria that they must meet?

We couldn’t really venture an answer unless you elaborate upon the nature of the oddness, or even condone assessing potential fun-partners using something as arbitrary as a quiz; but readers, ski down to the comments and let us know your system for sorting the hits from the gits.

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT280 •••

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festive forbearance

November 28, 2013

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••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT279 •••

Scott from Bury is a fraction of the man he used to be, and would like to remain so:

Both my girlfriend and I have had some success with calorie restrictive diets, losing 9 stone between us in approx a year and a half. However, we have some more work yet to do and feel that we would get through the last difficult steps of this process much quicker and easier if we had fewer social engagements with friends and family on our calendar (obviously including the gut-busting Christmas and new year holidays coming up).

So answer me this, should we accept a short term life (6 months maybe) as anti-social shut ins to archive our goals? Or is there a better way to get the best of both worlds?

I think you can do both. If you’re invited to something which is very food-focused, eg a dinner party, it’s probably simpler to avoid it than to try to make it work with your diet. A fairly easy excuse is to pretend you’ve already said you’d go to another fixture that evening.

However, if the party involves milling around with canapes, you can survive it: make sure you don’t arrive at the party hungry; bring some diet-compatible snacks if need be; and keep your hands full at all times with glasses, stupid Christmas props, etc. And stay away from the eggnog, which should be easy, since it’s eggnog.

Readers, any tips for Scott to maintain his new slimline frame this festive period?

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Marmite bollocks

November 28, 2013
Don't look at this and think, "Hmm, I wonder what it would be like if I put my balls in there." Just don't.

Don’t look at this and think, “Hmm, I wonder what it would be like if I put my balls in there.” Just don’t.

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT279 •••

Here’s some great – albeit crashingly obvious – advice via Paul from Bristol:

In AMT278 you briefly speculated on the erotic uses of Marmite. I was reminded that a friend of mine once told me, “Never put your bollocks in an empty Marmite jar”. Apparently the shape of the jar makes it impossible to remove them again.

Answer me this: is this true, and if I were to test it what excuse do you suggest I give to the staff in A&E?

Paul’s first question: readers, if you have personal experience of this, either as the enterprising bollock-stuffer or the emergency responder who had to extract the bollocks, please tell us all about it in the comments.

Paul’s second question: there are NO possible excuses. The best you can do is saying you did it for a bet. Anyway, why would you want an excuse? If you’ve gone to all that effort to be The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar, you surely want to be known as The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar.

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right wingers, right wangers

November 19, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT278 •••

Ben from Redditch needs your help to commit disobedient acts. Read his email then advise him in the comments:

I’m 31 and white, my town over the last few years has had a growth in the power of certain right wing parties. This being not the result of more people voting for them but instead the poor turnout to the polls by average voters. Due to a certain longed-haired joke teller giving out his half-baked unexplored ideas to a love-sick quiz show host, I fear this will happen once again.

As a white person I see it as my place to sabotage in whatever childish way I can the campaign car for said parties/party. People of different ethnicities run the risk of being pointed out as an example of the negative behaviour of their people. So as a wasp I do what I can in conversation to change people’s minds. Last time I explained it to a girlfriend of mine with such passion that she decided we should go out and drive-by egg the campaign float. I guess the subtext of that is that I think I’m brilliant.

However, currently boo-less and somewhat older, I would like to make more of a protest. I thought of following them round with just a massive sign that points and reads simply ‘TWAT’. Or could I do better?

So answer me this: what would be my rights if I just stood in front of their car so it couldn’t move? I’m used to confrontation and plan to have someone filming me the whole time so threats or violence would be a win. Or am I just being a show off and causing them more popularity?

Well readers, what reckon you to Ben and his Emily Davison yearnings?

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Hung prototype

October 30, 2013

hung-season-three-blu-ray-large

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT276 •••

AMTlistener Robbie has cottoned on to the SCANDALOUS Hollywood epidemic of plagiarism and plot-recycling:

I definitely definitely definitely remember sitting up at 3 in the morning sometime between 2006 and 2010 watching a movie with the EXACT PLOT and virtually every cast member of the HBO programme Hung – but every time I’ve tried to do find out anything about this definitely existent film Google’s just come back with nothing…

The film I saw was lighter than the show – less gratuitous swearing and cock/fanny shots – and the lead character’s wife was NOT played by Anne Heche as she is is the show – she was played by Hope Davis. One or both of the lead character’s kids may have been cast differently, too…

Answer me this! Is it possible that there WAS a film of hung made before the 2009 show that was so crap that HBO had it buried – deleted from the internet?

Everyone I’ve told about this secret Hung movie thinks I’m crazy but I DEFINITELY REMEMBER WATCHING IT!!! And I think HBO are powerful enough to erase something from history, don’t you? I mean if they thought they could remake something better but didn’t want the crappy original looming o’er the project couldn’t they just sweep it under the rug so to speak???

Readers, if you have any idea what Robbie’s on about, tell him the title of this prototypical Hung thing.

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just the tonic

October 30, 2013

20110418-tonic-water-taste-test-bottles

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT276 •••

Here’s a question of quinine-filled drinkies from Garry of Sussex:

I’m a teetotaller but my favourite soft drink is Indian tonic water (the only one sold in pubs that isn’t too sweet).

But being an adventurous sort, given that I don’t drink it with gin/vodka, what might be a great way to mix it? I’ve tried lime cordial (boring) and Vimto (smelt great, tasted nasty).

Readers, repair to the comments to suggest delicious non-alcoholic tonic concoctions to Garry.

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Birmingham, city of dreams

October 29, 2013

Bham-City-Centre

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT276 •••

In AMT277 we asked you to supply your favourite underwhelming Birmingham facts. Nick sent us this droll story about how Birmingham, Alabama inadvertently used their skyline, while Michael wrote in from under that very skyline:

I’m currently unlucky enough to live in Birmingham, and have lived here all my life. I don’t know where the people you’ve spoken to have been in Birmingham, but I can honestly say the place is a complete dump. Anyway, that’s my opinion!

I have four facts about Birmingham. All of them are as useless as the next.

1) Birmingham has the largest City Council in Europe. Fact. (This isn’t a good thing, see fact 3.)

2) Birmingham has the longest single bus route in Europe. The Number 11 Bus route is something like 26 miles long. I don’t know exactly, and I don’t have time to Google it.

3) In Birmingham no buildings compliment each other. Take the new Central Library, it’s a complete eyesore. It’s also very different to the rep theatre next door to it, and different again to many of the buildings on Broad Street and the surrounding areas. This is due to the size of the council and their planning department, so it’s often the case building plans are not dealt with by the same people, so a consistent design isn’t kept to.

4) The old Central Library in Birmingham, that the new one replaced, has had many people try to save it from demolition. For a time, the City Council refused point blank every request, until they were asked. It turns out that the whole place is subsiding. And when you see the size and complexity of the building, it’s apparent that it’d cost a shed load of money to save.

I do have, however, one interesting fact about Birmingham:

1) Cillian Murphy, the main protaganist of Peaky Blinders, worked behind the bar of The Garrison
pub during Birmingham City home games to learn the Birmingham accent.

The gauntlet has been thrown down, readers. Do you have an underwhelming fact about Birmingham, or your own home town, that can beat a Peaky Blinders location research fact?

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anniversary bee tease

October 21, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT275 •••

Readers, go to the comments and offer your answers to this riddle from Tara:

I’ve been with my lovely boyfriend for 11 months now. At the weekend, we began to talk about what to do for our one year anniversary (particularly special as neither of us has reached this milestone before).

We talked about re-living our first date; going to the same place to eat then out for cocktails then, being the classy individuals we are, fucking in a park.

But then the conversation turned to presents. He said he knew what he was going to get me. Being a nosy girl, I asked for clues and he came up with one, extremely cryptic pointer:

“Michael Jackson meets bees”…

So, answer me this: what could this mean?! I’m so confused! I can’t think of two things that could be less related! Or that I’m less interested in…

Famous plastic surgery plus stinging…I think I’ve got it! Your boyfriend is getting you a faceful of Botox. Happy anniversary!

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Selfridges

October 10, 2013

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••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT273 •••

Here’s some retro feedback from Courtney from Columbus, Ohio: retro not only because she’s contemplating a three-year-old episode of AMT, but also because it reminds us of that misty faraway time when people actually quite liked Jeremy Piven. The end-point of this era was somewhere between Grosse Pointe Blank and the start of Entourage – but not for Courtney! The embers of Piv-love still glow and crackle in her heart, which must be a very generous organ indeed if she decided to embark upon listening to AMT chronologically.

She writes:

I found out about your podcast recently and have since been cruising through the episodes – starting with episode ONE!!! The past few episodes, you’ve really been plugging your new book, and with Christmas right around the corner, I may just have to indulge…

Moments ago I listened to AMT158 where you discussed the placement of the perfume counters at the entrances of department stores. I cannot possibly know if someone has written in SINCE episode 158 and I therefore apologize in advance if this has become redundant.

Like many people, I’ve taken a liking to the actor Jeremy Piven, both for his notorious role on Entourage as well as his general demeanor. Last year he had a run on PBS with a show entitled Mr. Selfridge (which again I am not current with and may or may not still be running) as one of the founding fathers of department stores.

On an introductory special, the directors or producers or some equally important behind the scenes people said that when department stores first came about, the human race was still widely using horses and buggies. Needless to say, people were stepping in the road apples, and when they’d enter a shop, the carpets would become disgustingly foul. It was said that Mr. Selfridge or one of his contemporaries decided that if the perfumes were at the front, the stench would be covered, or at least toned down.

Just thought I’d share – love what I’m hearing so far. Although I’m far behind, I hope you’re still “in business”.

We ARE still in business Courtney, thanks! And even better now we know the term ‘road apples’.

Can anybody supply confirmation (or refutation) of the historical information asserted in Mr Selfridge? It seems plausible enough, until you remember that perfume departments are more insidiously stinky than a street full of Edwardian effluent.

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cheese vs blowies

September 19, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT271 •••

Here’s an infernal dilemma from Anonymous:

Would you prefer to live a life with a normal amount of blowjobs but no cheese EVER AGAIN, or a life with no blowjobs but all the cheese you could want?

Readers, VOTE:

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domain dosh

September 12, 2013

money_suitcase

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT270 •••

Pat from Canada is taking a gamble with gamblers:

In regards to your recent podcasts about domain names I thought you would find it interesting to hear about my husband’s experience. A few months back, he received an offer of $500 for his company’s domain name. He turned it down as it wouldn’t be worth the time and effort to reestablish a new name as he has used the same one for the last 16 years.

A few days after he turned this down, he got another offer and this time it was $5000.00. He asked which company was interested and although the broker wouldn’t tell him, he managed to do a little online sleuthing around the area code of the broker and the initials of his company’s name and it appears that a very large US gaming and casino company is involved!

He told the broker that it would take a lot more money to get him to give up the domain name and we are waiting to hear their counter offer! $$$$$$

How much should we hold out for?

You could do some research into similar cases and the amounts large companies paid for domains. Or you could think of a pleasing amount of money, then double it, then add another decimal point or two to compensate your husband’s business for the hassle it would cause to change it.

Go on, readers: how much would you sell it for?

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bad vibes

September 10, 2013

chloe1r

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT270 •••

Bitchy Resting Face has been one of the success stories of the year, but it’s not proving so successful for Leah:

Last weekend whilst discussing my historic lack of success with menfolk, my friend commented that I can’t complain as I do have a “massive fuck-off vibe”.

I’m not denying this for a moment. I spent the entirety of my teenage years carefully cultivating an attitude that I hoped was halfway between Morrissey’s supposed asexuality and Destiny’s Child’s ‘Independent Woman’, as a way, I guess, to hide the fact I was a bit scared of all that funny business.

The thing is, this has kinda stuck and as I approach my twentieth birthday I realise I have absolutely no clue of how to not give the impression that I would rather eat my own vomit than talk to the person trying to chat me up.

It sounds ridiculous, but answer me this: how do I make myself seem more approachable after years of trying to do the exact opposite?

TOO LATE. The wind changed and your face has stuck that way*. By the grand old age of 20, all habits are so deeply ingrained that it’ll be IMPOSSIBLE to change them. Enjoy dying alone, Leah!

Oh, don’t look at me like that, Leah – I’m just joshing, no need for the Murder Stare! By recognising the problem, you’ve already begun to tackle it. Practice in non-pulling situations. For instance: when in the company of other humans, try to arrange your features in such away that they don’t appear hostile. Replicate the open body language of less forbidding characters than you. Learn to ask people a few polite questions about their lives. Feign interest in the answers. If you puke in your mouth, disguise it behind a welcoming smile.

That’s for starters. Readers, what would you recommend Leah try next in her deMorrissification program? Advise in the comments.

*Seriously though, does anyone understand what that expression is about?

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