Archive for the ‘User-generated answers’ Category

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what happened next?

August 1, 2014

Message in a Bottle

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Even when questioneers are chronic oversharers, they leave us and you wanting more. Gemma from Manchester but living in Leeds writes:

I’ve been listening to a some of your old podcasts recently on my training runs. (One episode = 5k… It’s a great measurement!!) I would love to know some of the outcomes of the advice you give… So Helen and Olly answer me this, have you heard anything back off the following people:

The guy who found himself on a porn website and didn’t know how it happened?

The guy who was dating his first cousin (20 year age difference)?

The guy who found out he had slept with his wife’s sister when he was younger?

Cupcake Lady!!!

Alright, Cupcake Lady’s easy: we first heard from her in AMT271, then again in AMT272, and finally here, which suggested that though Office Nemesis was still up to her old tricks, Cupcake Lady had found it in herself no longer to condemn but to pity. Cupcake Lady has grown. Cupcake Lady’s psychological journey continues without us as travelling companions.

As for the rest: we only know as much about our questioneers as they tell us. We don’t know what’s going with Dave from Smethwick between calls. We can’t tell you what’s happened to Graham from Canada (we refer you to 2008-vintage episodes from answermethisstore.com to get your fix of Canada’s most inquisitive teen) because we haven’t heard from him in five years. Whither Matthew Seymour from Colchester and Robert from Dumfriesshire and Sarah from Gaytown? What happened in the love triange between Wade and Ana and Ned from Bath? How many more punctures has Jessii accrued?

So, if you’re one of the people about whom Gemma is curious, please go to the comments and divulge what happened next in your story. In fact, if we’ve ever answered one of your questions, let us know the outcome, for better or worse. Disclaimer: we accept no responsibility for having ruined your life.

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father and son

July 22, 2014

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Another listener has found herself in a sex pickle. Inger writes:

When my last relationship ended after two years, I decided to do some proper dating (following an acceptable period of “grief”, of course) and a few weeks into the dating life I found myself dating two men regularly at the same time. One of these men was around 25 years older than me and the other my own age, and as I am a honest person I told both men that I was dating the other.

After about 6 weeks I went to the older man’s house for dinner, and as I arrived he was still cooking (a fantastic three-course meal) so I wandered around in his house looking at pictures and trinkets he had in his shelves. I reached a shelf with photos of him and a little boy, I figured it was his son (whom I did not know about) and as I moved along the shelf the little boy grew older and to my horror I realized (about mid-shelf) that it was the other man I was dating.

I sat through the whole dinner knowing that I was dating his son as well and then came up with the fastest excuse to get me out of there. So, Helen and Olly, answer me this: what is the hell do I do now?

Firstly, Inger, check you’re not starring in a sitcom.

Secondly, find some other people to date and discard both of these men immediately. Unless you want your life to turn into an actual farce, you don’t want to keep seeing one of them in case the relationship becomes serious and you have to endure a hideous meeting-the-family scenario – and all the subsequent meetings with the family forever after. And really, would you be able to cavort sexually with either of them again without being beset by such thoughts as, “Hey, my other lover came out of those very nuts!” or, “That’s not as big as his dad’s”?

Don’t worry about them too much, they can comfort each other.

Readers, what would you do? Become celibate? Keep this set-up going? Sell your story to Chat magazine? Elaborate in the comments.

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Blame Canada’s biscuits

July 16, 2014

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Forget Led Zep’s Immigrant Song; often the real immigrant song is a plaintive wail about how you can’t get proper teabags and the bacon’s different and your mum has to send you parcels of Marmite. Newly Canadian Alexis writes:

I recently moved from Australia to Canada. On the whole, it’s be a rad move and I’m having a great time. BUT the range of chocolate that’s available is very lacking. There’s barely anything fruity, it’s all just in the nuts, caramel and biscuit range of flavours. Not only that, but their Cadbury range is very limited. No Topdeck, no Cherry Ripes, and no Freddos! (Just to name a few.)

So answer me this! Why is the chocolate range here so crap? Where has all the Cadbury gone? Why don’t Canadians like fruity chocolate more?

Readers, can you assist with Alexis’s query in the comments, summoning all your expertise upon Canadian tastebuds/trade patterns/commerce? And is it not the case that the particular confectionaries Alexis cites – Cherry Ripes etc – are exclusive to the Australian market? Perhaps our Northern Hemispherical mouths are not adapted for such taste sensations.

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Room with a Viewer

July 9, 2014

MSDSLIV EC020

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Here’s another ‘Does this make me a prostitute?’* dilemma from a lady called Terry:

I went to look at a house as I have recently broken up with my now ex-boyfriend and I need to move out of our currently shared house.

I have found a perfect place, huge bedroom, en suite bathroom, private balcony looking over the river, close to my current work and the three girls that currently occupy this 5-bed house are all really lovely people.

The best part is no rent!!

Yes, you heard me right, no rent. In return for all this amazing lifestyle, I would have to take a shower once a week with an audience, an online audience at least of around 300 paying customers. I would also have to put on a sorta show.

Porn has never bothered me I enjoy the idea of being watched but… Answer me this: does this make me a sorta prostitute?

Please help!! What if someone I know sees me? I have a couple of quite unique tattoos and I’m worried that through the steam and bubbles I will be noticed by someone I know…

Here are some questions to ask yourself, Terry:
• Is this a Carling ad?
• Is this My Little Eye?
• Is this We Live In Public?
• Is this something the other three girls are doing, or is this a special set-up for you?
• I know rents are expensive at the moment, but if 300 customers are paying to watch you in the shower every week, wouldn’t it be more profitable for you to pay to live somewhere and run your own webcam-showering racket?

Readers, what do you reckon? Go to the comments to shower Terry with advice.

Also, since we’re on this topic: five years on, I wonder whether this questioneer decided to go for it.

*Which, if you have to ask, and it’s not a profession you wish to pursue, it’s probably best not.

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dating as do-gooding

July 2, 2014

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Here’s a question from an anonymous 22-year-old lady from Boston:

I am a bisexual young lady who has just moved to Boston. As is unremarkable for someone of my generation and sexual appetite, I have an online dating profile on OKCupid.

To put it bluntly, I fulfil societal standards of beauty. I modelled for some years. I get asked out on this website multiple times a day – and usually decline because of disinterest (more often then not because a lot of men here fetishise my race).

Here’s the kicker. I am a dedicated to animal welfare and also the promotion of sex education – in a land where the Republicans have slapped their sexually suppressed balls all over the school system.

Answer me this: should I start accepting dates from people I’d usually be disinterested in if the man/woman sends me a screenshot of a donation to the ASPCA/Planned Parenthood? e.g. ’50 bucks to support birth control for poor women, and let’s go for drinks!’

I am a broke graduate without much money to support these organisations myself, but I can help in other ways than volunteering, right? Does this count as prostitution?

What do you reckon, readers? Would our anonymous hottie exchanging her company for charitable donations be smart altruistic leverage of the current situation, or would the people paying for the dates merely think they’re getting an escort for an unusually good price? Express your opinions in the comments (£10 to Marie Curie Cancer Care per comment).

At the very least, if she does do this, the questioneer would be guaranteed to be featured in an article on Jezebel. They can’t get enough of dating experiment stories.

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football tossers

July 2, 2014

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orig_human_football

Here’s a question of SPOOOOOORT from Arj from Canterbury:

I’ve been watching a lot of the World Cup recently, and I don’t really get the point of the coin toss at the start of the match to decide which end the winner chooses to shoot from. Is there some tactical advantage to be gained from choosing one goal over another? In cricket, at least, the coin toss makes sense: bowl or bat. But in football, all that really changes is the direction you’re running in…

Maybe that’s not all, Arj. Maybe it’s so you can’t blame the pitch for anything that went wrong and put you at a disadvantage, because we all know how footballers love to whinge about the slightest thing. Maybe the sun is blinding at one end. Maybe you don’t want to start/finish the game with all the opposing team’s fans standing behind the goal flipping you off. Maybe the pitch is on a 15 degree gradient. Maybe half the pitch is cursed because it is laid on top of an old burial ground.

Help Arj out, readers: explain this in the comments. I know I could look it up, but I…can’t be arsed because it’s football.

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toe thumbs

June 18, 2014

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The last time a listener sent us a toe picture, I felt a bit sick. I’m not queasy but I am intrigued by this from Lorelei from Brooklyn, NY:

My thumbs look like big toes.

I had no idea there was something amiss until I was 14, when my friends loudly pointed out the freakishness. I’m the only one in my family with them, and I’ve met only one other person with little thumbs.

After years of hating them, I’ve come to accept them. However, recently my stepsister (rudely) mentioned that she’s always found my thumbs creepy and was glad we aren’t related by blood. Apparently, she was horrified at the possibility of her future kids having them. This had never occurred to me! If I do have children, how likely is it that they will have my thumbs? And how many people have these squat little nubbins? Surely I’m not alone!

Toe thumbs!

Toe thumbs!

Lorelei, you’re definitely not alone; Megan Fox has them; these people on Facebook have them; readers, raise your hands proudly if YOU have them too! Indeed, there are enough people with Brachydactyly type D (BDD) that there are several nicknames for the condition, eg ‘club thumb’, ‘Dutch thumb’ (?), ‘potter’s thumb’, ‘hammer thumb’, ‘murderer’s thumb’… OK, the nicknames could be more complimentary, but they’re still nicer than your stepsister.

Geneticists, are Lorelei’s future offspring likely to have murderers’ magic thumbs? Should she be searching for knitting patterns for mittens with short thumbs?

Here’s a little more toe thumb reading matter for you, Lorelei.

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wedding crushers

June 18, 2014

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More weddings, more problems. Firstly for Ricki from Hamilton, Canada:

I’m getting married next year to my lovely boyfriend. We got engaged on holiday a few months ago and are both happily looking forward to getting married.

When I let certain people in my social group know that we were engaged, they expressed extreme shock that he hadn’t asked my parents for permission before proposing. When I told them I intended to walk myself down the aisle (I’ve got legs and I’m not chattel!) and it won’t be in a church, they were extremely judgmental. They also seem to think that, in spite of all of my other actual accomplishments (IE university degree, handicraft ability and cat-rearing skills), getting married will be the MOST IMPORTANT THING I EVER DO. Now, whenever they bring it up – which is frequently – they ask if I’ve considered getting married ‘the right way’ since our engagement wasn’t done ‘properly’.

Answer me this – how do I politely ask them to back up the crazy-train and let us enjoy our wedding the way we want it to be?

Politely? Fuck that: you need to dump all these rude friends! And/or elope immediately, because otherwise you’ve got months of this bollo to endure.

If you absolutely have no choice but to invite them to the wedding as planned, amp up the convention-defying to the max. Say your vows at an abandoned theme park, attended by tiger bridesmaids, wearing a welding mask as a veil. It is ‘the right way’.

Eurgh, why do people become such dicks about someone else’s wedding? At least Oli from Egham‘s dad is making a fuss about his own wedding:

My dad was due to get married in February, but has been pushing the date back ever since. I’m a full time travelling street musician and I’ve been putting off a long-awaited trip to south east Asia for months now, waiting for the wedding, which is now set, finally, for the 11th of July.

The nature of my work means its much harder to support myself in England; street performers do far better in the tourist areas of mainland Europe. I’ve saved enough money for my Asia trip, and now I’m just trying to keep my head above water, but my funds are dwindling.

My dad informed me today that he wants me to buy a new suit foir his wedding, even though I have a perfectly good one from when I used to work as an estate agent. My dad knows that the lifestyle I’ve chosen means a cetain amount of frugality, and although I can sometimes do very well, a suit would probably be the same price as my flights (with concessions).

So answer me this: is it unreasonable for my dad to ask me to spend this money on a suit, when I already have one? He’s very accepting of my lifestyle, even though I know it’s probably not what he wanted for me.

Also, he voted UKIP, so I’m mad at him for that.

That is hard to swallow, Oli, but as you’ve said he’s been accepting of your lifestyle, so I suppose you have to extend him the same courtesy.

Go suit-browsing. Tell your dad you’ve found a good one, but you can’t afford it, and perhaps he’ll splash out for you. If not, for the charity shop. I would have said it’s fine to wear your old suit, until you mentioned it’s an estate agent suit. Few people want to be reminded of estate agents on what is supposed to be the happiest day of their lives.

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cheap dates

June 4, 2014

signs-of-a-bad-date

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It seems you lot have mixed experiences of cheap dates. Jess, 21, from West London, seems quite positive:

In AMT290, Alan from Dublin asked about the use Groupon Vouchers on dates. I thought I’d throw in my two cents as someone who likes to feel like they’re being made a fuss of, but also like they’re not taking the piss – make it clear it’s a groupon voucher, but go for something a bit wacky date-wise! “How would you like to go Go-Karting this weekend? I got a groupon voucher and I thought it would be fun” type thing. That way it doesn’t sound cheap and it comes across as a more inventive date than the run of the mill “dinner and a movie” type crap.

Gen from Adelaide, however, is not so keen:

You talked this week about the appropriateness of using vouchers to purchase two-for-one meal deals on dates? We have similar schemes here in Oz, and can be quite handy, if a group of friends are going out for a meal. My sister sent me on a blind date with one of her colleagues a few years ago, and the ‘gentleman’ in question took me to a semi-posh cafe for lunch. He said he would pay for the meals in a kind of a ‘aren’t I the magnanimous one’ way and then proceeded to pull out his voucher book.

Hmmm, I thought, that’s unusual. Then, to avoid any awkwardness, I went up and got the drinks, and also paid for the coffees at the end, which cost about $30. I won’t bore you with the in-between bits, suffice to say that I had to listen to the guy talk about himself non-stop for two hours.

At the end, I happened to glance at the receipt from the meals, and realized that he’d only spent about $18. By the time we got back to my house, it was all I could do to stop myself jumping out of the car and running inside and locking all of the doors and windows – he was clearly expecting a little ‘afternoon delight’ – and unsurprisingly we never met again. So, if you want to impress a woman on a first date, I say a definite ‘no!’ to the use of restaurant vouchers.

It’s a bit unfair to blame that on the vouchers rather than the boring talk – but perhaps that is a valuable lesson to absorb: even if the meal is heavily discounted, the chat action should still be 100%.

Also, producing a voucher BOOK is far from suave. In the same non-sexy vein as pulling out a pocket calculator to determine your exact share of the bill.

Readers, answer me this: what IS the best way to impress somebody on a cheap date? I’ll buy 30% of a coffee for the person who gives the best advice.

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Find Frederic!

June 4, 2014

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Here’s an email from a mystery listener who is a little frustrated:

I’ve only recently got into Tinder, but since I did I’ve been addicted and just can’t stop.

HOWEVER.

I just found a very attractive man and, as you may know, Tinder displays your mutual Facebook likes. and what did this attractive man like on Facebook?? ANSWER ME THIS PODCAST.

Unfortunately, I was looking through all this photos, but accidentally pressed the ‘back’ button whilst swiping through his photos, and……… swiped him left and he’s gone into oblivion.

My only hope is that maybe he might listen to the podcast??? He did like you on Facebook after all. Although his bio said that ‘most of his likes are things he thought were funny 4 years ago’. The only other one I remember was Salem the cat from Sabrina, so between that and you guys, this guy sounds like my ideal man already.

His name was Frederic so if there are any attractive man listeners named Frederic, who probably hail from the south-east ish area of England (or were there at some point) and like Answer Me This and Salem (and I think Franz Ferdinand??) on Facebook, maybe he wants to go out for a drink or something. unless he already swiped me to the left in which case this is awkward.

But work with me.

Reader. Are YOU Frederic off Tinder? Did you find this podcast funny four years ago? Are you a fan of the cat below? Please get in touch!

Salem_thumb

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Suffolk high-rollers

May 7, 2014

rollerderby1950

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Your emails are so full of surprises! For instance, I was amazed to learn from Luke aka Boney Stark that not only does Suffolk have a roller derby club, it has MORE THAN ONE roller derby club:

I help run Suffolk’s first co-ed roller derby club, Suffolk Roller Derby. Most roller derby events have a theme and punny name for example “Mad Smax: Beyond Rollerdome” and “Skate from Alcatraz”. Can you suggest any for our upcoming events that will take place in our home town Bury St Edmunds?

Buried Alive?
Suffolk You Up?
Bury St Edmutherfuckers?
Sugar Beet You to Oblivion?
Ab(bey)olition?

Alright readers, your turn. Skate over to the comments and offer Luke some suggestions for his co-ed wheely carnage.

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protect the pedant

April 23, 2014

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apply-correct-pronoun-case-sat-writing-section.1280x600

Following Joe’s complaint about his slapdash-talking wife in AMT287, let’s tackle this question from Joan from Fremantle:

I have a friend who is a self-proclaimed ‘grammar Nazi’.

Having completed a general arts degree at a parochial university in the 1970s she considers herself to be an expert in correct English syntax, diction and style and takes great satisfaction in pointing out and correcting other people’s mistakes.

I know her well and over our long friendship have come to understand that she is quite sensitive about being judged by others, having struggled over the years with feelings of general inadequacy. I think her censoriousness about grammar reflects that this is one area where she clearly feels confident and empowered, and can judge people instead of feeling judged. For this reason, although I am more qualified and experienced in this area than she is – as a professional editor who has done post-graduate study in linguistics including descriptive as well as traditional grammar, philology and the history of the English language – I have always kept my mouth shut when she strays onto shaky ground, as prescriptive grammarians often do.

For 30 years I have even refrained from correcting a bad habit she has, which is to refer to her husband and herself as “James and I”, even when they are the object of the sentence. For example, she will say, “The film didn’t appeal to James and I”, or “They gave James and I this advice…” and once even signed a card to us “With love from James and I”.

Here’s the problem: as a Facebook user she has started frequently posting humorous instances of grammatical errors using such networks as ‘Grammarly’, sometimes several times a day. I am starting to worry that someone else is going to point her own imperfect command of grammar out to her, possibly publicly, and definitely very hurtfully.

Answer me this: now that she is so publicly proclaiming her grammatical supremacy, is it time for me to come clean to my friend about her overuse of the nominative case when referring to her and her husband? How can I tactfully point this solecism out now, after all these years of putting up with it? Or should I just continue to ignore it (hoping that no one else will be so unkind as to shatter her self-image) and let pronouns be pronouns?

This is actually a rather sweet motive for picking up someone’s linguistic solecisms. Joan herself can clearly tolerate the solecism, having not mentioned it for thirty years.

She may be worrying unduly about other people correcting her friend, because this particular pronoun problem is so common that even teacher extraordinaire Susan Kennedy falls prey to it.

But here’s an idea, Joan: since I sound off about this very issue in AMT287, play the episode to your friend! Pretend you really want her to hear one of the other questions in the show – perhaps she has an interest in human statues? – and hope she absorbs the information.

If she does not, manufacture a conversation in which you cast yourself as the pronoun-messing fool. “Gosh, friend, I found out something the other day – did you know the pronoun formulation is supposed to be ‘Joan and ME‘ in all non-nominative uses? I’ve been using it wrongly all these years, and now I feel like such a tit!”

Readers, if you have any superior suggestions for tactful grammatical corrections, please go to the comments to share them with Joan and I me.

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