Answer Me This! Podcast

We’re back on October 7th. Click here to catch up!

Chomp on this question from Bupe from Manchester:

Just the other day I was making a sandwich and I found a shred of a glove. So answer me this: what is the weirdest thing you have found in food?

Half a chicken’s skull in a tomato stew was pretty weird. But not as much as a fragment of woollen mitten or rubber glove. Readers, go to the comments and tell us about the time you found a small plastic boat in your can of soup.

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** Click here for Episode 149 **

Is poverty the enemy of love? Let’s hope not, for Pete from Somerset‘s sake:

I’m 16, and next Monday is my 1st anniversary with my girlfriend. I figure that it is only my duty as a gentleman to buy her a present AND take her out for something special. But the fact is that I am 16, and therefore I have no pissing money. So, answer me this: how can I take my girlfriend out somewhere special, but still save money to buy her a gift?

Readers, go to the comments right away and give Pete some useful suggestions for romance on a budget. Now! Next Monday is not far away! But Pete, if they don’t come up with anything workable, then tell your girlfriend that you’ve forsworn your ‘duty as a gentleman’ as you felt it a relic from a more sexist age, and moreover, she should learn not to be such a filthy materialist. No doubt many more happy years together will follow.

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** Click here for Episode 148 **

Poor Pete is lonely in Leamington Spa:

My fiancee and I have just moved to Leamington Spa. While the area is very nice and the people are lovely, there is very little to do as we have no friends (hence me writing this email)! This is compounded by the fact that we are very skint at the moment, having been fleeced by the removal company to move our stuff from Sheffield!

So answer me this: what can we do for free that is very very fun in Leamington Spa that would also make us some friends? (We are nice people!)

Who here knows how to make one’s way in Leamington Spa society? Go to the comments and help a man make some new buddies!

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** Click here for Episode 148 **

Olly from Worthing, West Sussex:

I was in a Gourmet Burger Kitchen today, and I noticed they were selling an imported drink with a small little factoid that stated, hilariously, ‘World famous in New Zealand.’

So, answer me this: what weird factoids have you seen appear on products, or at least stupid ones?

‘World famous’ on most food products, or especially on the awnings of cafes, does tend to be optimism triumphing over truth (although in a rather less harmful way than certain products like Activia yoghurt pretending to be health foods when they’re sugarier than Barbara Cartland’s tea table). Readers, share the most ridiculous products boasts you have seen!

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** Click here for Episode 148 **

Pete needs your help, readers:

Why can I not buy different-coloured tyres for my car? I can get coloured tyres for bicycles. I want fucking blue tyres on my car!!

I’m counting on your help to solve his query, because I can’t even remember the last time I bought any tyres. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever bought tyres. I don’t own a car, bike, trike, moped or wheelbarrow, so what the jigger would I need tyres for? Hanging one off a tree to swing about in? I don’t even have my own tree, so I’m entirely counted out of the tyre market. So go to the comments and tell the man how to spruce up his boring-coloured wheels.

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** Click here for Episode 146 **

Anon in Australia has been doing an informal survey which might be a ripe subject for a PhD thesis:

In my work as a pharmacist I dispense enormous quantities of medications for children with ADD or ADHD. “The Man” dictates that I am to keep handwritten records of each dispensing in a special book. Whilst auditing this book recently, I noticed something interesting about the Christian names of children in this book.

So answer me this; WTF is going on here? Is naming your baby “Jayden”, “Harley” or “Taylah” sentencing the poor child to a life of petty arson and inattentiveness at school? Will a traditional name like “Bruce” avert this life path?

Readers, strap on your snobbery-bonnets and tell Anon in the comments whether you have found sound scientific evidence corroborating this theory.

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** Click here for Episode 146 **

Here’s a letter to Penthouse, which James accidentally sent to us instead:

I am a surveyor and I am a very courteous surveyor at that. If, for example, I am given the key for flat to inspect, rather than just barging in, I will always knock on the door and after allowing plenty of time for a reply, I will poke my head through the door and then announce my presence before entering the flat.

So Helen and Olly answer me this: what excuse can I use to accidentally walk in on the girls again? Please bear in mind that I have now accidentally walked in on them 34 times.

Erm, something about leaking pipes? Exploding boilers in the downstairs area? Readers, we expect you have been in this situation more often than we have, so go to the comments and leave your suggestions for James to be a big pervert.

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** Click here for Episode 145 **

Fire in the hold! It’s a question from Keith in Goole, Yorkshire:

In 1968 I was a member of the Sea Cadet Corps in Goole when one evening we were having training regarding dealing with fire on board a ship. Our instructor, an ex-Royal Navy man, said that if we ever discovered a fire we should go smartly to the nearest fire alarm, grab the handle AND WANK IT!!!. These last words were actually emphasized by the officer with an accompanying hand gesture like that of pulling a pint.

Answer me this: is it or has it ever been acceptable to use use the term ‘wank’ in any proper adult conversation?

Well, Keith, if you were old enough to be conscious in 1968, and we met and conversed about it, it would be a highly proper adult conversation. SURELY.

Meanwhile, if any of the rest of you upstanding citizens of the web know of any use of the word ‘wank’ which is not the obvious, put it into a nice sentence then put that nice sentence into a comment on this post.

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** Click here for Episode 145 **

Callum from Selby, North Yorkshire

Who is your favourite TV detective?

I’m sure I have intimated as much on previous podcasts (clue: begins with a ‘C’, rhymes with ‘Bolumbo’. Binspector Borse runs a close second) so, rather than repeat myself, I want to know who your favourite TV detective is. Poirot? Holmes? Creek? Get thee to the comments to tell me!

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** Click here for Episode 143 **

Nostalgia time now, courtesy of Jonny:

In the olden days when I was a youngster we used to go on family driving holidays through Scotland and England. We had a board game that we played all the time whilst on the move. It involved following a track round the board, either country, town or motorway roads.

Now I’m a parent I want to inflict this game upon my children but can’t remember the name of it. Can you ask your loyal listeners if they know of this game and if I can get it from somewhere?

That game was real? And not just something your parents invented to quell your refrain of “Arewenearlythereyetarewenearlythereyet Ineedthetoilet mumI’mbored!”? If so, readers, put Jonny out of his misery (and his children into theirs) by trotting to the comments and telling him what this tortuous entertainment is. But in case he doesn’t end up finding it so has to resort to different vehicular distractions, you might also mention your favourite childhood car game. We Zaltzmen used to play ‘Count the milk tankers’. The rules were simple; it wasn’t that good, but was probably still more amusing than Jonny’s fondly remembered ‘Spot the objects’.

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