Answer Me This! Podcast

** Click here for Episode 171 **

It’s a question from the birthday girl, Sarah:

It’s my birthday on Tuesday March 29th (I will be 28). My friend Sarah and I have both booked the day off work and we are planning to go on a day trip somewhere. My question is this: What can we do for a fun day out for around £30 per person in London? We are both physically fit and not afraid to try new things. Your suggestions would be most welcome.

Londoners! You have two ladies, £60 and one day; add them up, then go to the comments right away and tell the Sarahs how to have the best damn day of their lives.

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** Click here for Episode 171 **

Wedding bells ring for Annie from London. Or do they? She writes:

My partner Seb and are shortly going to be getting hitched.

So if you can answer me this it would be a huge help to us: what is the coolest way to get married?

That raises another question: is marriage cool at all? Vegas is definitely NOT cool, because it is, well, vile. And the ubiquity of Vegas weddings is the enemy of cool; plus, in our experience, drive-through establishments tend not to be compatible with institutions aspiring to permanence.

Over here we’ve got wedding preparations of our own to worry about, so readers, do us a favour by going to the comments and planning Annie’s wedding for her. If you do a good job, there might be a lucrative career in it for you.

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** Click here for Episode 171 **

Here’s an email from someone who, understandably, wishes to remain anonymous. So we will know him only as Sexy Windmaster:

I have this friend, who shall remain nameless, and whilst trying out a few movements garnered from my Kama Sutra app, I happened to experience an auditory discharge* at the very moment of entry.

My own thoughts are that it’s a very messy business and, a bit like living on a farm, it’s all part of a rich tapestry, farts and all.

Readers, I don’t know your thoughts on such matters – personally, my years of service in Sevenoaks School’s Needlework Club means that farting and tapestry NEVER go together – but Sexy Windymaster needs to know them, in order to avoid being blue-balled by his own bowels again. Proceed to the comments, and apprise him upon the most debonair way to excuse a trump without spoiling the sexytime. A noise can be laughed off, but a stench is more difficult to excuse in the moment, so you’re going to have to work hard on this problem.

* I assume he means an audible discharge, rather than his ears produced a parp.

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** Click here for Episode 171 **

Today’s correspondent, David from Paisley, is a postman who listens to Answer Me This! on his rounds. That’s not relevant to his question; it is just the sort of detail which intrigues us. His question, meanwhile, is the sort which intrigues the world throughout all of time?

Little thing that I have recently been discussing with my girlfriend: what is the difference between being in love and loving someone? I don’t think there is a difference, but she says there is a massive difference! I am confused!

This is a serious matter (especially if they’re arguing about the difference because David’s girlfriend is telling him that she loves him but is not IN love with him and will he please stop calling and stop sending flowers and stop standing outside her bedroom window with a boombox). Therefore, commentariat, mobilise yourselves to instruct David of the difference; or, conversely, to instruct the girlfriend of the non-difference.

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** Click here for Episode 170 **

Jon in Sussex:

Just listened to 170 when you ask if anyone had named a military operation. Well I haven’t, but when I was 22 I did get to name four housing estates in London. I got packed off to the local library for a day or two to find anything of interest in the local history and then drew up a shortlist and made my recommendation.

So, answer me this: if you could rename the town where you were born, what would you go for and why?

I wonder whether Tunbridge Wells would continue to be such a stuffed shirt if it was renamed Zaltzman-on-Sea (yes, I know it’s miles from the sea, but it’s nice to give people hope (Hope that one day, rising sea levels will take care of the place.)).

Kids, it’s time for you to mosey to the comments to play Fantasy Council Expensive Rebranding Exercise. The best one gets to spearhead a letter campaign to the Governer of St Petersburg to see if they’d be up for another name change, seeing as it’s been 20 years since the last one.

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** Click here for Episode 170 **

Here’s an email from listener Brand. That’s right, Brand:

My name is “Brand”. That’s not short for “Brandon” or anything. It’s just “Brand”. I’ve never run into anyone else with this name, and I’m just wondering if my parents were so unbelievably creative that nobody else ever thought to name their child the same thing.

Am I the only one?

Everybody out there, answer Brand this: is Brand the only one?

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** Click here for Episode 169 **

Nom nom nom, it’s time to chew on the following question from John in North Hollywood:

I am 28 years old and a pretty good cook, but I still enjoy eating an entire box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner now and then. I know, objectively, that it is vile. It’s a totally unnatural hue of orange and doesn’t actually taste much like cheese, but it’s one of the first things I ever learned how to cook and has become a comfort food.

So answer me this: What are your nostalgic comfort foods?

Here at AMT Kitchen (twinned with the heart attack ward), we all enjoy a potato waffle or five. Martin the Sound Man also loves to tuck into a nice big bag of pork scratchings, like the good Midlands boy that he is. If you too have a snack that reminds you of the cosy embrace of childhood but will probably kill you before you reach middle age, please tell us about it in the comments.

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** Click here for Episode 168 **

If we heard right, it’s a question from Lizzie from London:

So, we all went to the shitty pub around the corner from our office for after work drinks one night. A lady I work with (who’s a bit odd e.g. eats bananas with the skin on etc) said she fancied a cocktail. She went up to the bar and ordered a Margarita. The bar staff said they’d bring it over to her, so she sat down and patiently waited. About ten minutes later they brought her over a pizza.

So, Helen and Olly, answer me this have you ever had such confusion over a homophone?

Like the time when we tried to buy a Russian doll and ended up with a mail-order bride (with six increasingly small brides inside her)? Or when we ordered a bag of aubergines and got stuck with a stack of 7″ copies of ‘Auberge’ by Chris Rea wrapped up in an old pair of Wranglers? Or when we got touted tickets to Black Swan and had to sit through two hours of Billy Corgan side-project Zwan sporting most unacceptable face-paint?

(Oh, stop complaining, readers, and explain your own Homophone Hilarities in the comments.)

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** Click here for Episode 168 **

James from Portsmouth needs to take a cold shower:

I have a new flatmate who is very attractive and walks around the flat in nothing but his boxers. He also gets very protective if I ask him about his previous relationships.

The thing is that I seem to have fallen for him but I’m not sure if he’s gay, so can you tell me a good way to ask him without sounding like a idiot or scaring him off?

Since he’s being weirdly clammish about his romantic history, I can’t tell you a good way. But if he happened to return home while you were, say, watching a gentlemen’s movie in your communal living space, that would be bound to open up the channel of conversation at least. Readers, try to think up a classier method than this and instruct James in the comments, please.

A word of caution, though: even if he does turn out to be gay, it’s not a particularly good idea to put moves on people with whom you live. If he rejects your advances, there’ll be awkward moments forever after, as either of you exits the bathroom in a towel or brings a date home. If he accepts, well, you’re already living together, and not much puts the dampener on a brand-new source of sexyfun than cosy domesticity. Rowing over who forgot to put the milk back into the fridge overnight is rubbish foreplay.

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** Click here for Episode 168 **

Apocalyptic thoughts are haunting Shaun, who asks:

If the world was going to end next week, what would you do?

I’d probably read every Harry Potter book one more time.

I scoffed, of course, at this plan – then realised that despite my usual tendency to be spurred to action by a looming deadline, in this case I would probably just lie on the sofa watching Arrested Development until close of play.

However, if you want to pretend that in this event you’d do something amazing instead of running around flapping, tell us what it is in the comments. If it involves listening to podcasts, we will cry on your behalf.

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** Click here for Episode 166 **

Seeing as it’s Valentine’s week (ie: heart-shaped boxes of Ferrero Rocher are now heavily discounted in the shops! Why are you still here??? Go, go!), let’s continue this run of romantical questions and consider the following missive from Nathan:

A while ago, my partner got a research job at Cardiff university. I decided not to leave my current job in Manchester until I had a job to go to in my specialist area – renewable energy engineering. However, it’s been six months now, and I’m getting really sick of doing the alternate-weekend thing.

C) Keep job-searching in the evenings after work, and try to learn to love the sandwiches in Crewe train station?

I can’t vouch for Cardiff, car insurance rate calculation, or Crewe comestibles, so readers, I turn to you. Should Nathan move 200 miles for love, or keep the job and commute fortnightly? Go forth and decide whether the future of his relationship and career is to be A, B or C. Or even option D, if you think of one.

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** Click here for Episode 165 **

Remember Jessii, the perforated lady from St Helens? Well hallelujah, she has succeeded in finding new bits of her body to puncture! Ours not to reason why, etc etc. She says, through swollen face:

I recently got my tongue pierced (venoms).

Well I am in a lot of pain at the moment because my tongue is swollen.

Sorry to hear that, Jessii – I am totally surprised that firing bolts through a nerve-rich chunk of muscle could have negative side effects! Really I am…

I can’t eat or talk and even swallowing is a bit of a chore.

What is the most painful thing you have ever done to yourself or had done to you willingly?

Mine will remain between me and the lady at the family planning clinic, thanks; but readers, go to the comments and reveal your self-inflicted agonies.

yes dear, it looks lovely

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