Archive for the ‘User-generated answers’ Category

interesting accountants

July 10, 2013

Another bit of business left over from AMT261, addressed by Storm:

Re: the accountant who gets the ‘bored’ look from people when he tells them he is an accountant..
I’ve had this for years…I tried to evade the subject by just saying ‘I work in an office’ and then I discovered that my neighbours thought I was a cleaner!

I now try to talk about a project I’ve been working on, as I tend to find that what people think accountants do isn’t. For example I’ve recently been working on a project to open up new children’s homes.

In the 1980s there was a big move to use the private sector to provide old people’s homes, it was very successful with price decreasing and quality increasing. So the project was extended to children’s homes. Children in care are substantially different from old people, there is more shoplifting, casual violence and vandalism so the private sector haven’t been made keen to move into this market.

These places are really expensive: it costs less to send a child to Eton than to put them in a private children’s home. I met a guy who owned two children’s homes and had bought a helicopter to fly between them.

It’s better for children to be nearer their old homes, school, and friends. And I found that opening a new children’s home would save over a million pounds per year.

Good work, Storm: you’re providing many potential avenues of conversation for your chat-partner. However, not every accountant can speak of an interesting, socially important project. Does anybody have a useful gambit to say instead of, “I help a wealthy corporation stay wealthy”?

Or maybe it’s best to avoid referencing any jobs, ever. Here’s a cautionary tale from Kendersrule:

Many moons ago, while I worked at a supermarket deli counter…

*wibbley camera of the past*

One day when a woman came up to the counter to ask for some ham, we got chatting about the probiotic yoghurt drinks in her trolley.

I asked her how they tasted, as the actors in the ads all looked like they were about to vomit when they downed one.

She replied, somewhat indignantly, that she was one of the people responsible for those ads.

I said “oh” and we spent the next 30 seconds of ham wrapping time in silence. Whoops!

Silence was better than her screaming, “I don’t tell you how to wrap ham!” which would have been quite a reasonable response.

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Red Bull(shit)

July 10, 2013

Before we embark upon the new series, let’s clear up some loose ends from the last series, namely your opinions of energy drinks. Yasmine, 16, from Cheltenham, you have the floor:

I was just listening to AMT260, in which you were talking about Red Bull, a drink I have never tried or ever intend to try, being a self proclaimed H2Only – only drinking water.

I was at the doctor’s talking to a nurse about my new inhaler prescription, when the nurse said, out of the blue, “Don’t drink Red Bull with your inhaler as you can get high.”

Answer me this, is it true? And if so, WHY WOULD SHE TELL THAT TO A 16-YEAR-OLD?!?

Because she thinks it’s a safer way for you to get high than meow meow.

It sounds risky, but less so than the concoction Rachel in Phnom Penh describes:

Your assumptions about SE Asian energy drinks are basically true – in Cambodia you can buy energy drinks far stronger than Red Bull quite happily from just about everywhere. The entire teaching force of the country pretty much runs purely on energy of these drinks.

At work (I’m an ESL pre-k teacher) the staff room provides a popular local mix – a heaped spoonful of strong freeze dried coffee, another spoonful of chocolate drinking powder (Milo) about 1/3 of a cup of condensed milk. And hot water in what little space there is left. It basically tastes like a heart attack.

Answer me this – am I knocking a day off my life every time I drink this?

Dunno, because it doesn’t like the sort of substance whose long-term effects have been subjected to proper scientific studies have been done. If you’re having palpitations, mood swings and insomnia, you’re probably drinking milky amphetamines.

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team-building pole dancing

June 13, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT260

The following question from Kev wouldn’t be too weird if he worked in a strip joint. But, he doesn’t:

I recently started working at a call centre for a bank. I am nearing the end of my training, and a couple of days ago I met with the team I am to join, and my prospective manager. They all seem perfectly likeable, and my manager – a woman in her mid-forties – is very welcoming. But during this brief meeting she announced that she plans to organise a day of pole dancing for the group, which I do not like the sound of at all.

I realise that in the corporate world this kind of thing is important for team building etc, and as a new member of the team I could perhaps benefit from an event at which I would have a chance to socialise with my future colleagues, but I simply do not want to go. I don’t like doing even vaguely work-related things outside of work as this is not a career I wish to be in for a long time and there are things that I am passionate about that I could be doing with my spare time. I also think that either watching or doing pole dancing sounds completely boring; not because I am a man, but because it’s just not my thing.

I tried to find out when it was to make up a prior engagement, but I was told that the date of the event is yet to be decided based on our schedules.

So, answer me this: What do I do? Do I make up a weak and potentially transparent excuse and not go? Do I go, and have a very uncomfortable, unpaid day constantly thinking about what else I could be doing with my time? Or do I outright and honestly tell my manager that I do not want to go as I don’t think I would enjoy it or get much out of it? Would that result in her making my life at work harder than it needs to be?

Even though we discussed in AMT221 how pole dancing can be an athletic discipline rather than a purely sexy one, this does not seem to be an APPROPRIATE WORK ACTIVITY. Can you suggest an alternative?

If not, and you’re determined not to go, just tell her you have a long-standing spinal or muscular complaint. Pole dancing is physically demanding, and your manager is unlikely to want you to be laid off work with a slipped disc.

Readers, any other ideas? I’m not best placed to help, since I’ve managed to get myself out of all such situations by working on my own since 2005.

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trust

June 13, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT260

KLAXON! AMT LISTENER IN DISTRESS! It’s Lachlan, who writes:

I have just been dumped by my girlfriend of one year.

Recently I attended a music festival, where I got very drunk and ended up making out with another girl. Because I was so drunk, I cannot even remember this girl’s name or what she looked like.

As I could never lie to my girlfriend, I told her everything the second I got back. She was obviously extremely saddened by this, and as much as I tried to tell her that it is not something I would ever have done if I was sober, for obvious reasons she says she can never trust me again and she can’t stop thinking about me with the girl.

We have always been very close and I have never lied to her. Answer me this: WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO TO MAKE HER TRUST ME AGAIN?!?!

Unfortunately, Lachlan, I cannot offer you a quick fix to regain trust. It will take time, and willingness on both sides to overcome this incident. I imagine you have already gone strong on contrition, but you could also demonstrate your commitment to such a thing not happening again by giving up drinking.

Readers, if you have any suggestions for Lachlan convincing his girlfriend to give him a second chance, deliver them in the comments, as well as tips for him avoiding getting himself into similar scrapes again. For instance, wearing a welding mask to music festivals would preclude extra-curricular kissing.

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nuts about Nutella

June 11, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT260

Last week, we spoke upon the act of judging one’s neighbours by the contents of their recycling bins. This week, Hattie‘s recycling-judgement-capacity has been completely scrambled by her neighbours:

I recently noticed one of my neighbours had an entire glass recycling box FULL of empty Nutella jars. I had to walk past twice to make sure I wasn’t imagining things…but yes – the box was entirely crammed with empty pots.

So, please answer me this – how on earth can someone eat so much nutty spread? Or, alternatively, what are they doing with it?

Evidence:

Exhibit A: a LOT of Nutella jars

Exhibit A: a LOT of Nutella jars

My hunch is that they were making a giant Ferrero Rocher. It’s the only reasonable explanation…OR IS IT? Readers, go to the comments to offer your own hypotheses for the profusion of Nutella. Someone was getting rid of their late grandmother’s lifetime collection of Nutella jars? They bath in it? They’re using it to regrout the bathroom? The floor is yours.

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the best joke

June 6, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT259

This question from Margaret in Indiana is the kind that some people spend their whole lives trying to answer*:

I was listening to the lightbulb jokes on last week’s episode, and I had a question:

What is the best joke?

*Not me, though. I am not especially fond of jokes. Therefore I delegate to you, readers, the task of going to the comments and submitting your best joke. The winner gets to be plagiarised by everyone else forever.

Go on, by the end of today I expect the comments section to be like this:

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porn pal

May 29, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT258

Joe in Oxford could be getting himself into a sticky situation, in more ways than one:

My wife has a friend, who now does porn.

How annoyed would my wife have the right to be if I watched her friend’s videos, on a scale of 1 – mildly annoyed, to 10 – divorce?

Readers, go to the comments to express Joe’s wife’s annoyance in a number; but you may not want to waste your time, since he’ll have obviously watched the videos by now anyway regardless of the potential spousal fury.

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moving on

May 28, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT258

How soon is too soon, wonders Pat from Canada:

My nephew got married last summer to a woman he had lived with for two years.

Four months later he suspected that she was cheating on him and after Christmas we found our that they had separated but were in counseling.

A month ago we were told that they were getting a divorce.

Yesterday I found out that my nephew is already seeing someone.

While I want him to be happy and find a new soul mate, isn’t this all a bit too fast? Answer me this: how long after deciding to divorce should someone wait before starting to date again?

Readers, if you believe there is an appropriate set period of singletude, or if you have designed an equation to calculate that period in proportion to the length of relationship, share in the comments.

Personally, I don’t see the harm if Pat’s nephew is just having a not-to-serious time with a new paramour, moving on with a fun fling, salving the wounds left by his cheating partner.

If, however, he and his ladyfriend are already dressing alike, running non-essential errands to Ikea, making wedding plans or buying adjacent burial plots, I can understand Pat’s concern. But since he’s an adult man with dominion over his own decisions, I’m not sure she can intervene. As an aunt myself, frankly I wouldn’t feel comfortable judging when my nephew was ready to love again, but my nephew is only five and a half years old so I can hazard a guess that he should play the field for another couple of decades at least.

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uninvitation

May 22, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT257

I’m guessing from this email that listener Kate won’t be inviting her sister to her 26th birthday party:

In just under a week it’s my 25th birthday. Apart from the inevitable mild existential crisis, this means I’m having a barbecue. I’ve invited friends and I’ve invited my sister. My sister has then invited my mum. Please help me think of a way to un-invite her. I just wanted a nice relaxing afternoon eating meat in my back garden with my friends. I do not want either of my parents there! And if my mum is coming then I am forced to invite my dad and his new wife.

How how HOW can I make sure there are no parents at my barbecue without causing a big family fuss?

Readers, go to the comments and help the lady out. Oh pleeeeeeese. It’s her birthday.

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Eurovision: the aftermath

May 20, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT257

Last Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest has left you with many questions (aside from WHY DIDN’T GREECE WIN?). For instance, this one from Orpon:

This year the Eurovision Song Contest was held in Malmö, Sweden. This happens to be my hometown and I barely made it out of this frenzy alive.

For several weeks every year nothing else matters but the ESC and since it was held in Sweden this year it was much, much worse. Even if our prime minister should be murdered (again) I don’t think it would make the news if it happened during the ESC craze.

Answer me this: when so many European nations succumb to the ESC madness, why don’t the British care at all about it? Are you too good to hang out with the rest of us? Don’t you like feather boas, confetti and crappy music?

Oh, we Brits do like those things – but only through a veil of sneering irony. And it’s inaccurate to say that we don’t care at all – we care very much that the Britain scores as close to nul points as possible.

On to a question from one of the scornful Brits, Paul from Northampton:

I’m watching Eurovision and all the awful acts that are desperately trying to win with this awful Europop. So answer me this: if Britain wants to win so badly, why haven’t they enter One Direction, as everyone seems to love them for some reason?

I take issue with Paul’s assertion that Britain wants to win so badly; see my statement above, along with every British entry since Katrina and the Waves – Daz Sampson? Scooch? Bin Man Andy? Jemini??? These are NOT the entries of a country with victory in the crosshairs.

Plus, I think One Direction are a bit too busy at the moment. But previous experience indicates that in ten years or so, they’ll probably need the gig.

Finally, a question about the scoring system from Rikki from Dunfermline:

Why is there no number 9 or 11 in the Eurovision Song Contest?

Those numbers have been banished from the Eurovisional points allocation since 1975. They got rid of them because Björn Ulvaeus said they were the least poppy numbers under 100. Or maybe there’s a solid mathematical reason, such as it helps avoid tied votes, or something.

Readers, do you have any idea? Go to the comments and inform us all. I lost a large part of my brain during this year’s contest, and it was the part that made me willing to google this sort of shit.

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lookalike

May 16, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT256

Here’s a different sort of mistaken identity question from Maria:

Every time my husband Bjorn meets someone new, the person usually says they feel like they have met him before. Men and women actually come up to us in pubs or when we are out shopping asking, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Numerous folk say, “Oh you remind me of someone I know” but can never seem to absolutely pinpoint who that person is.

He has been likened to Patrick Swayze, Jeff Bridges, Benny from Abba, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Steve Martin – all of whom I personally think look totally different from each other and nothing like him.

Answer me this: how can one person look like so many different people to so many different people? And does he look like anyone you know?

Maybe he just has ‘one of those faces’? Perhaps its planes are arranged in a particular way that chimes with some sort of universal face-recognition. Or possibly his photo was used without his knowledge in a widespread public health advertising campaign, like this.

Readers, below is Bjorn’s face. Go to the comments to name the person of whom he reminds you. Personally I’m seeing the Jeff Bridges resemblance but not the other ones, although maybe the hat is overly influencing my judgement.

Bjorn pic

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that’s not my name

May 15, 2013

CLICK HERE FOR AMT256

Here’s a question from Oliver from Manchester. Not Olly, or Ollie, or Ol, or Ollingtons. OLIVER. Oliver says:

My name is Oliver, and when introducing myself to, lets say, a mutual friend, of a friend, of a friend, I will say ‘hello, I’m Oliver.’ Moments later this practical stranger will refer to me as ‘Olly’ even though I never said that was my name.

So answer me this, who is the toss-face in this scenario – the stranger for giving me a nickname even though the piss-weasel doesn’t know me; or me for going on about it?

You’re a bit of a toss-face for calling a stranger a piss-weasel (as am I, now, for just having done the same); however they are the bigger toss-face for being presumptuous.

We do receive this question a lot, and have encountered it in life as well – eg former AMTflatmate Matthew Crosby is always Matthew, NEVER Matt. Nonetheless, many people are unable to bypass their InstaMatt function.

It’s not a problem I have, because Helen is a name difficult enough to abbreviate that to do so feels too personal for most piss-weasels and toss-faces.

But, readers, if you are a Margaret-never-Maggie, a Ben-never-Benjamin, a Josh-not-Joshua or a Catherine-nary-Cathy, go to the comments and suggest a polite way for Oliver to correct the abbreviators. A cold, unresponsive stare until they give him the right name might work, but also runs the risk of compelling them to keep calling him ‘Oli’ just to piss him off.

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