Answer Me This! Podcast

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Hello listeners,

No chit-chat today; Olly’s got a sore ankle. Such grave times do not allow such frivolity. So just listen to Episode 62 and pray for his swift ankular recovery.

It’s quite a groiny episode of Answer Me This today, what with:

split-crotch bloomers vs. the She Pee
cricket boxes
the invention of the gusset
and
testicular cancer;

but luckily there are also ungroiny topics like:

Rolodexes
epilepsy
Djibouti
perry
hot old people
Cinnamon Grahams
the drawbacks to nicking a photocopier
backwards Bulgarians
and
mashed potato.

Also, Helen spells out why you shouldn’t sit in front of her at the theatre; Olly explains the real reason why men enjoy ladies’ tennis; and Martin the Sound Man tries to emulate seductive Mr Spock. Irresistible!

Now, Olly might malinger with ankle man-flu forever if you don’t send us YOUR QUESTIONS, so hurry and email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phone 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis. It’s a bit like that bit in Peter Pan where you have to clap or Tinkerbell will die.

See you next week, hopefully with all four of our ankles hale and hearty!

Helen and Olly

PS. If you are in need of more Helen in the next week or so (although unless you’re an elderly person writing a vanity project and you need help putting commas in the right places, you probably aren’t), you can catch her on Sky.com/News today, Thursday 10th July, at 7.30pm, or as the special guest on Matthew Crosby’s Readable Podcast, or doing stuff in the Literary Arena at the Latitude Festival 17th-20th July, or previewing the press on Sky News’s Press Preview at 11.30pm on 14th July. Olly is also previewing said press at 11.30pm on 11th July, so between them you should be pretty well up on what’s about to happen in the papers, much like a current affairs clairvoyant.

PPS. If you’re curious to know what toy so enraptured Olly’s attention during the recording of Episode 62, look here:

Available from an infant near you!

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Happy Third of July, listeners! It’s Independence minus one, the last remaining hours in which someone else made all those pesky decisions and tidied your room for you… Hmm, perhaps time for us to brush up on our American history; but we’ve neglected our education in order to bring you Episode 61.

Within which are such topics as:

A.A. Gill
offal
William Caxton
garlic monkeys
past life regression
the Gang of Four (the band, not the terrorists)
an oblique reference to Slint
rice paper
bendy dancers
the drawbacks of unusual names
the drawbacks of the Roaring Twenties
and
the drawbacks of Martin the Sound Man’s privates.

Olly turns Japanese (not in the same manner as The Vapors, although who knows what he might stealthily have been up to below the tabletop?); Helen emulates those feisty Latinas; and Martin the Sound Man looks forward to a nice peaceful existence after everyone else has fallen prey to some kind of apocalypse. What a treasure. We also reveal the fast track to getting a job as a Sunday Times restaurant critic, and the most romantic thing you can do with a blocked nose and a finger.

And if you’re not sated after all that, look at this bit of amazingness!

Send us your affections in the form of YOUR QUESTIONS by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skype-ing answermethis; and we’ll tuck them close to our hearts and think about all those times we shared.

Byeeee!

Helen and Olly

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Wimbledon’s begun, so let’s all enjoy this picture of French tennis pin-up Julie Halard. Actually, the only one of us likely to enjoy it to a particularly valuable extent is questioneer Roger Stout, who in Episode 60 confesses that she was the object of his teenage crushes. Don’t worry, Roger, we’re not going to fight you for her.

But why don’t we all accompany Roger on a trip down Memory Lane, at the end of which waits the objects of our adolescent affections, holding a posy and looking a bit rougher than we remembered? Let us know which Hottie was on the posters you kissed before going to sleep (isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing?) by leaving a comment below; and then have a listen to Episode 60.

It’s bulging like the Incredible Hulk’s trouser-seams with subjects such as:

lorgnettes
egg fried rice vs. fried egg and rice
ortolans
My So-Called Life
Brian Blessed
early Atomic Kitten: hot or not?
Kate Nash’s multitasking
botanical private parts
Bombalurina
spiky urethra-fish
and
Jon La Joie‘s song about ladies you wouldn’t want to take home to mother.

Furtheremore Olly, tired of slating Wales, this week goes for Scotland, France and Chinese medics; Helen abuses her potential paramours; and Martin the Sound Man tries to destroy the podcast by inserting his catchphrase ‘he looks like perfectly smooth pubis’ at any given opportunity (thanks to the wonders of editing, listeners, you are spared this horror. Be grateful. Very grateful). We also reveal the silliest Google searches which, according to our blog stats page, have resulted in Answer Me This!, and if you like the sound of that, then you might also like the sight of this.

There’s not much else to add except PLEASE SEND US YOUR QUESTIONS by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skype-ing answermethis.

Yup. That is all. Toodle-pip!

Helen and Olly

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Welcome, listeners, to a LANDMARK EPISODE OF ANSWER ME THIS!: though we’ve now done enough podcasts to last more than an entire Earth day, Episode 59 is the first ever one in which we curb our urge to swear every five seconds. No, really! Our cravenly uncouth mouths produce nary a Kant, sheet or Phuket. It’s so clean, you could perform an emergency appendectomy with it.

So, if swearing’s off the menu, what the flip isn’t? Well, today’s specials are:

A Chorus Line
Kentish car boot sales
lab-dogs
the Little Shop of Horrors money-box
antiseptic booze
rotten eggs
RE vs Scripture
Joan Collins vs the passage of time
High School Musical vs Helen’s patience
saturated meat fat vs the coronary artery
the Queen Mother
and
the Radiohead version of We Will Rock You.

Furthermore, Olly says more things to ensure that he’ll never get a guest spot on Pobol y Cwm; Helen flips the bird at the World’s Most Popular Biscuit; and Martin the Sound Man defames Zac Efron in a manner that is both disgusting and probably accurate.

It’s Episode 60 next week so if you want your free bus-pass on the AMT Bus, send us QUESTIONS by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skype-ing answermethis; also please get in touch if you know some good cures for hiccups or excuses for handing in your homework/important grown-up documents late. Those are things it is useful for everybody to know.

See you next week, *@£%-face!

Helen and Olly

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Greetings, listeners! And best of luck to you if you’re in the middle of Exam Season, as the several dozen exam-related questions we’ve had in the last few weeks suggest you might well be. To help you out, we’ve had a sneaky peek at the General Studies GCSE paper, and these are some of the essay questions we saw we saw on it:

1.  How did Disney get their princes to look so damn dreamy?
2.  How did Hitler make his nostrils look so small?
3.  What kinds of museums do they have in Cyprus?

Obviously we can’t condone cheating of any kind; but to find out the answers, have a listen to Episode 58, then submit 300 words on three of the following:

the panopticon of Jeremy Bentham
second-hand underwear
fit fonts
the Bluetones
sweaty courgettes
getting it on with Plato
British cheese vs French cheese
steroids vs tear ducts
museum fatigue
the birth of Aphrodite
and
that Kanye West song that Martin won’t shut up about (you may refer to the video at the end of the post to revise).

Furthermore, Olly’s teenage ambitions to turn out like William Baldwin in Sliver; Helen is let down by her entire collection of reference books; and Martin the Sound Man nominates himself as holiday rep for Arse-Scratch Island.

As ever, we love receiving your QUESTIONS as much as Timbaland enjoys making funny honking sounds on other people’s records; so please email them to us at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phone them to 0208 123 5877 or Skype them to answermethis.

See you next week, for the first ever swear-free episode of Answer Me This! – we shit you not!

Helen and Olly

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And here’s Martin’s beloved Kanye West video:

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This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p, through a secure PayPal server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)

Today is a dark day, listeners. We never, ever thought it would come to this. Perhaps we were naive or short-sighted, or downright delusional…oh God, it’s so hard to know how to tell you this, but we’re just going to have to say it:

Answer Me This! Episode 57 contains a Football Fact.

We hardly even know who we are any more.

To make up for the aforementioned Unspeakable Outrage, the Fact that Dare Not Speak Its Name, this week we also offer:

The Iron Lady
nachos
Hector Castro
the lost month Sextilis
Anita Dobson
car-smuggling
Ingrid Tarrant
Barry Crocker
protein-folding for dummies
Tony Hatch
Ritalin
Roger Rabbit
the dark days pre-Hollyoaks
David Gray
Windows Vista
and
fat.

Plus Olly tries his hand at 80s political satire; Helen is distracted by her own brilliance; and Martin the Sound Man refuses to share his blood. What a selfish rotter! Some of us are thirsty, dammit!

We’ve been amused this week by the number of spam emails we’ve received entitled ‘You have a stupid face answermethispodcast’ (can’t deny it…), but we’re even more amused by the wonderful QUESTIONS you bunch of champions have been sending us this series, so please continue to entertain and intrigue us by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis. They brighten up our days no end.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Listeners, you’ve done us proud. Droves – droves! – of you have written in to identify Mark from Essex’s mystery tune from last week, and even the late Maria Callas has got it on the brain, as you can see from the above video. So, thankyou very much to everyone who stepped into the breach to quell his curiosity; you all win a prize! Each of you gets a super-special copy of Answer Me This! Episode 56, which adheres to the following agenda:

the clappers
Brick, rodent-style
fake vegetarians
Airwick
coltan
True Lies
bicarbonate of soda
sexy Saxons
Missy Elliot’s Ferrari bed
Tasers
mouse-murder
Olly’s landing strip
and
θ.

Plus, Olly mines a new source of squeamishness; Helen is cold and heartless in correspondence; and Martin the Sound Man explains why you are morally obligated to eat chickens just so the hawks don’t get them. He blames EVERYthing on those pesky hawks.

And, even though the world is fast running out of crude oil, tigers and WW1 veterans, it appears to have no shortage of QUESTIONS; so please send us yours by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis.

See you next week – and in the meantime, see below for a Meat Loaf refresher course.

Helen and Olly
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Hello pals!

Tracksuits? Lucozade? Brushing one’s teeth? Sounds like Answer Me This! is on a health kick in Episode 55! But don’t worry, we’re as wheezing and lardy as ever, as you can hear for yourself. Star-jumping their way through this week’s ear-workout are such topics as:

the new Answer Me This! badges!
Eddie Izzard
tuck boxes
PVA glue
Elizabeth Hurley
California
H&M Hennes
the Voice of Topman
Pennywise the Clown
and
the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution.

Plus, Olly reveals a disturbing admiration for the noises emitted by Celine Dion; Helen worries how to keep the team’s relationships purely professional; and Martin the Sound Man tries to pretend that his home town of Telford isn’t completely crap.

But we wouldn’t be able to have such larks if it weren’t for you and YOUR QUESTIONS, which you should submit to us by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, phoning 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis. Few things could please us more!

See you next week,

Helen and Olly

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It’s triple-party-time at Answer Me This!, for this week not only holds Olly AND Martin the Sound Man’s latest birthdays, but also the first episode of the new series! So rejoice thricely by listening to Episode 54.

And if our mouths were party poppers, flying out of them would be such streamers as:

canapés
Ruth Rendell
loyalty
Richard Bacon
Mark Curry
Paul O’Grady’s knick-knacks
tortoises vs. dogs
vanity sizing
The Thrills
the Cookie Monster
and
Nina Simone.

Plus, Olly doles out the sort of pet-care tips that can earn you a prison sentence; Helen attempts to revive the Bristol Sound, as if a third Portishead album wasn’t enough; and Martin the Sound Man messes up his Sunday best. Gosh, it’s like we’ve never been away…

It’s jolly nice of you to come back to see us after our break; it’s also jolly nice when you send us YOUR QUESTIONS for future episodes, so jolly well do that by emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com calling 0208 123 5877 or Skypeing answermethis.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

PS. We’ve been gadding about on Sky News again in various guises – here are the details of our latest on-camera escapades.

PPS. Note to our non-UK listeners: Blue Peter is a magazine-format children’s TV show. (Contrary to the impression we might have given on this podcast, not every one of its presenter is named after a foodstuff.) Here’s some classic shit going down on it:

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‘Lo, listeners,

It’s been such a rip-roaring series of Answer Me This! that we can scarcely believe that it’s over… However, after all this talking we’ve been doing, we have to take a month off to have our jaws repaired at Dr Gargle’s Sanatorium For Withered Podcasters. But we’ll be back, good as new, on 15th May, and meanwhile, why not listen to Episode 53?

Tickling one’s eardrums this week are such subjects as:

Rock Profile
lazy lazy Delia’s late-night snacks
Legally Blonde
tears of a clown (not the song)
psychiatric sandwich boards
ukulele vs. banjolele
Answer Me This! vs. paintballing
George Dawes
the Pirates of the Caribbean ride
Dave
brine
and
Sun-In.

Plus: Olly emulates Kurt Cobain; Helen becomes completely blind to innuendo; and Martin the Sound Man is busy sprinkling his magic dream-sand everywhere he goes. Not on the carpet, Martin – it’s only just been hoovered! You big sandy divvy.

Also, if you enjoyed the musical interlude from questioneer Krabbers, then visit his myspace and youtube pages for more melodic funnery. And, seeing as we’re on the subject of nice music – have you subscribed to Martin the Sound Man’s spin-off podcast yet? What are you waiting for – dispensation from the Queen? Do it!

We’ll surely miss you while we’re off the air, so keep in touch by sending YOUR QUESTIONS for the new series to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype ID answermethis. Also, as over the course of this series you’ve sent us more excellent questions than ever – alas far too many to cover in the podcast – we’ll be tackling some of the backlog in written form, right here on this website. So do pop by every so often!

See you back here on May 14th, listeners!

Helen and Olly

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Stick or twist, listeners? Twist? Oh dear, it’s nine of clubs, which means you’re out. Too bad. House always wins.

Yup, it’s Episode 52 of Answer Me This!, which means that there are as many Answer Me This!es as there are cards in a pack, suggesting that Episode 53 next week will either be a joker, or that weird spare card with all the bridge values written on it. Let’s just hope it’s the former, eh?

This week we chitter-chatter about:

Susie Malin‘s theories of the face
swimming pools
Batman
Princess Margaret
Floella Benjamin
pigeons by post
Des’ree
Walter Mitty
dry cleaning
Elton John’s mum
gas-mask fetishists
and
kohlrabi.

Also: Olly’s childhood crush on Michael Jackson; Helen’s pathetic excuse for an existence; and Martin the Sound Man’s inexplicable enthusiasm for fan-fiction concerning him and Olly. However if these things have left you feeling a little sullied, cleanse your soul with a spot of charity – listener Jamie just emailed us to say:

I’m running the London Marathon next Sunday on behalf of Marie Curie Cancer Care. Could you tell your listeners about my justgiving page – www.justgiving.com/jamiet? I would say that making a donation would get you a place in heaven, but as neither you or I believe in God it would be pointless.

So if you’ve got a bit to spare in the family vault, listeners, give a bit to Jamie! Frankly, none of us lardybums are ever likely to raise any money through the medium of exercise, so we’re happy to pay Jamie off to do all that unpleasant sweating and yomping in our stead.

At this very moment, there’s a man standing in the car-park round the back of Answer Me This! Towers shouting, “Answer Me! Answer Me!!!” That‘s not how you get a question onto the podcast, silly! Try leaving a message on the Question Line 0208 123 5877/Skype ID answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Now run along and stop thumping your head against the fence, you madcap!

What a character.

See you next week!

Helen and Olly

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Hello there, pretties,

Many* of you have written to us in distress** to ask why Episode 50 didn’t appear on iTunes last week. We’re not quite sure – just some tiny glitch at the mighty iMothership, we gather – but it seems to be there now.
*one or two
**in a mildly irked state

Anyway, as far as we can tell there are no such problems concerning Answer Me This! Episode 51. This week’s discourse features such diverse elements as:
No Country for Old Men
Taco Bell
Olly’s Great Cinema Swindle
White Dwarf
Michael Winner
George and Lynne from the Sun
testosterone
boobs vs. manboobs
locksmiths
KFC hats
Green Shield Stamps
and
our dads’ underpants.

Moreover, Olly confesses to being a rotten pilfering varmint; Helen has a surprising amount in common with Axl Rose; and Martin the Sound Man teaches us all a lesson about etiquette for swingers. Ugh.

Now, in two episodes’ time we’re taking a month off, so if you’ve got a QUESTION, hurry the hell up and send it to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or our Question Line on 0208 123 5877 (Skype answermethis).

See you next week, yes? Yes!

Helen and Olly

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