Fig.1: Button
Following my ‘It’s easy to sew buttons back onto your clothes, dammit!’ rant in AMT273, here comes a not unexpected question from James:
Helen, what’s the best way to sew a button on a shirt?
James, I can’t be arsed to explain it to you, so I refer you to this very thorough illustrated tutorial. Or you can ask a Pearly King or Queen; they’ve got plenty of experience.
We’ve received this question many times before at AMT – eg here and here – but it is one of THE big questions, so here it is again in its latest form from “a very sad and confused” Emily from Aberdeen:
What’s the best way to deal with a break up when the person is your first love? I love my boyfriend a lot but I’m not his first love like he is mine, meaning he doesn’t feel quite the same way I do and it’s just too hard so breaking up seems the best thing to do.
However I have no idea how to cope with it (as pathetic as that sounds) and would really appreciate suggestions of how to move on. I’m 18 and just started university and this just seems like the best thing to do.
Aw, Emily, we feel your pain. Luckily, you’re off to university, where everything will be new and different. Though this alone won’t entirely obliterate the pangs of love, it will provide a massive distraction. Throw yourself into all the new activities presented to you; make new friends; cop off with boys (that you then feel you have to avoid for the rest of your degree).
Readers, please go to the comments to offer any further salves to Emily’s pain. While she awaits your advice, she can take the classic route of cranking up the break-up songs and having a good cathartic wail. AMT listeners have already provided a starter playlist, and there’s a near endless supply of suitable soundtracks to Lovelorn Feelings.
(Ahem: she could also take up this AMTfan’s recent offer for discounted equipment with which to distract herself physically.)
Here’s an infernal dilemma from Anonymous:
Would you prefer to live a life with a normal amount of blowjobs but no cheese EVER AGAIN, or a life with no blowjobs but all the cheese you could want?
Pat from Canada is taking a gamble with gamblers:
In regards to your recent podcasts about domain names I thought you would find it interesting to hear about my husband’s experience. A few months back, he received an offer of $500 for his company’s domain name. He turned it down as it wouldn’t be worth the time and effort to reestablish a new name as he has used the same one for the last 16 years.
A few days after he turned this down, he got another offer and this time it was $5000.00. He asked which company was interested and although the broker wouldn’t tell him, he managed to do a little online sleuthing around the area code of the broker and the initials of his company’s name and it appears that a very large US gaming and casino company is involved!
He told the broker that it would take a lot more money to get him to give up the domain name and we are waiting to hear their counter offer! $$$$$$
How much should we hold out for?
You could do some research into similar cases and the amounts large companies paid for domains. Or you could think of a pleasing amount of money, then double it, then add another decimal point or two to compensate your husband’s business for the hassle it would cause to change it.
Go on, readers: how much would you sell it for?
Our last questioneer was rescued from herself by a friend; but our latest correspondent Anon cannot face doing the same for his/her friend:
I’m a pretty big nerd and pretty much all of my friends are the same. We’re not totally without social graces, but there are a few quirks among our group and as someone who hangs out with the general “nerdy” type I’ve come to accept or ignore most of them. But one of my closest friends has a foible that I have a harder time with.
This person speaks LOUDLY. In general conversation they have a voice that carries, and while this isn’t so bad, when they get even remotely excited about something (which is often) they are practically screaming.
Now, this person isn’t doing it to be rude or strong arm the conversation. They are generally one of the nicest and most considerate people I know. But when we are in a small area like a car or small room this often hurts my ears, and I’ve seen other people react subtly but similarly to it. Out at restaurants this quirk gets us annoyed stares, and depending on our subject matter, worse.
I have once or twice tried to nicely say “Ooh we’re (or you’re) getting loud and excited we should quiet down”, but this doesn’t seem to stick and I feel like an asshole for saying it because I know this person is a little bit sensitive. I’ve also tried speaking lowly to try and model or encourage this person to lower their voice, but it hasn’t worked.
I have no idea how else to handle this, or even if it can be handled. I really love my friend, but I’d really like to be able to communicate this to them without hurting their feelings. I know I’d like to know if I did this. Answer me this: is there a way to deal with this problem and not offend my friend?
You have already tried the gentle approach and, while it didn’t offend your friend, it didn’t shut them up either. If you’re still not willing to broach the subject directly with them, entreat one of your bolder mutual friends to do it instead. Alternatively, here are some options:
1. When your friend gets loud, ostentatiously put in earplugs. If that doesn’t register, upgrade to large noise-cancelling headphones. Eg the kind that people wear whilst chainsawing.
2. From a theatrical prop supplier, buy some of those wineglasses that are safe to smash. With your nerd-friends, rig up a gadget so you can smash the glasses remotely. When Captain Shouty gets shouty, detonate.
3. Contract laryngitis, then give it to your friend.
4. Pay somebody to dress as a librarian and follow your friend around. Whenever your friend exceeds a certain volume, the librarian disapprovingly shushes them. After a couple of weeks, the message should have sunk in.
Just a normal game of Balderdash down at Amanda Palmer’s place
Oh look – problems arise from musicians doing gigs in fans’ houses even when Pete Doherty is not there. See this missive from Alex:
I am a big fan of musician Amanda Palmer. She recently allowed fans to pay $5,000 (around £3,000) for her to come and attend a house party – she comes, plays music, hangs out with you and up to 50 people; much fun is had by all.
I attended one of these parties last week, and have just been approached by somebody else I know, who is holding one in October, and has a spare space if I want to attend. With the number of people attending, it will cost me £85 – an equal portion of the $5,000.
BUT, this $5,000 also includes a bunch of other merchandise – which was available to buy separately for a total of about £1,000.
I asked the person who paid for the party about this ‘extra merchandise’, and she informed me that she just kept all of the extra stuff, because she had paid for the package using her dad’s life insurance money. She deemed this fair because if he hadn’t died nobody would be able to go.
So, answer me this – is it right for her to do this? Essentially getting almost £1,000 worth of merchandise and tickets for free? Or am I right in thinking that, since the things were worth £1,000 she should do the same as the party I attended, and only charge the guests about £2,000 – costing about £40-50 each?
Readers, what do you make of this? Chip in in the comments.
“Is it right?” Eh… Not especially, but on the other hand, your friend took the financial risk of a $5,000 outlay without knowing that she’d definitely recoup most of it. Furthermore, I think that choosing to spend £1,000 on the merch is different to receiving merch worth £1,000 as part of a whole package you’re buying. In your friend’s mind, the £1,000 of merch is probably not worth £1,000 actual money. So the fair thing to do would be for her to divide the merch amongst the fifty gig attendees, wouldn’t it?
If, however, you feel that a segment of Amanda Palmer vinyl is not making up your financial shortfall: bear in mind your friend is supplying the party venue. Your challenge is to eat £1,000-worth of party snacks.
Questioneer Liz has lopped off her head-top femininity, and people are going apeshit about it even though we’ve seen the same many times over, from Audrey Hepburn/Michelle Williams/Halle Berry/Demi Moore/Miley Cyrus/’Stop’-era Posh Spice/bad-era Britney, right through to Joan of Arc.
She writes:
I recently decided to cut my hair into a short crop style (I am a 29 year old female doctor), and ever since have been astonished at the deluge of rude, inappropriate and frankly outright mean things that people have said to me. When I say ‘people’, I am mostly referring to men. One male friend’s first response was “Are you a lesbian now?” whilst another stated “I don’t like short hair on girls, you look like a boy”. I have been ordered to grow it long again, asked “What went wrong at the hairdressers?” and told “You will never get a boyfriend now”. In contrast my female friends have been highly supportive, stating it looks great.
So, answer me this: Why do men think it is OK to be mean to women with short hair? And are my female friends lying in saying it looks great? (which surely is the safe and socially accepted way to go – to be honest I’d appreciate more men taking this route!)
I’m not a man, but reader, if you are one, go to the comments and explain to Liz why her haircut might be causing upset. Since we don’t have photo evidence that the style doesn’t make Liz look like Jimmy Krankie rather than Winona Ryder, let’s assume that she does look nice with it. Let’s also assume that Liz’s primary purpose is not to look attractive to her male friends.
Here’s another in our unofficial series of unnecessary marital disputes. Luke in Bury St Edmunds writes:
On the most part my fiancée and I get on really well, but there’s one sticking point that drives me crazy: she refuses to watch movies I am passionate about showing her, especially the Steven King classic Stand By Me.
Answer Me This:
1. Why is she doing this to me and 2. how can I persuade her to watch Stand By Me?
1. Maybe she doesn’t want to be bullied into watching? Or perhaps she is enjoying toying with your feelings thus.
2. Compromise is key. I suggest you effect a semi-regular arrangement of watching double bills, for which you have each chosen one film. You have to watch each other’s film without prejudice, and your own film without pointing out all the things you want the other to notice about it. Afterwards, you may have a reasoned, dispassionate discussion about what you have seen, but if neither of you can be trusted to do that, then keep your opinions to yourselves and talk about something else instead.
Another option is to accept that in relationships, you’re allowed to like and dislike things your partner does not. If you try the double bill plan and your fiancée subjects you to Danny Dyer film after Danny Dyer film, this will be a good backup choice.
We’ll have even less reason to go near the Christmas cake, if Elon from Austin, Texas is reporting truth:
Your exploration of glacé cherries on the show this past week reminded me of a tale I was told growing up in Michigan. Michigan, I believe, is the world’s largest producer of what we call maraschino cherries. Traverse City, in the north of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula, is fond of touting itself the Cherry Capital of the World. H
The tale I was told is that when the farmers preserve the cherries they intend to sell to the maraschino cherry producers, they first dump their crop into large pools of chemicals for the winter. And since it doesn’t really matter what happens to the fruits due to the bleaching and candying process, these pools are often outside…essentially just big holes in the ground…which of course attract deer…which sometimes fall in…and get bleached and candied themselves.
The capper of this tale is the bit about how workers are hired in the spring of each year before the thaw completely sets in to fish out the candied deer carcasses and whatnot that falls in over the winter.
So answer me this please: is any of this true? Are health regulations in the US so poorly enforced that this could happen in this day and age? Yeesh!
Readers, if you have any inside knowledge on the candied deer phenomenon, reveal in the comments.
To me, it sounds like bulldeershit. People succeed in covering backyard swimming pools to stop crap falling in. If you had an open-air pool of fruit intended for human consumption, wouldn’t you at the very least put a net over it to catch the larger debris?
And if this is indeed how cherries are stored (rather than in, say, closed tanks), wouldn’t the Michigan climate keep them frozen for several months? Now a deer skating over a frozen pool of cherries, that I’d like to see.
He wasn’t good enough for you! You’re better off without him! and other platitudes go out to Matilda in California, who writes:
My boyfriend and I just decided (somewhat mutually) that we needed to stop seeing each other, since I’ve just started a Master’s program, and he wants to move to New Zealand for an indeterminate amount of time. I still care about him very much, so this has been a little bit rough for me.
At night, when I’m not finishing a paper or making dinner, I have taken to spending my time watching sad movies about people who have broken up with each other, listening to sad songs, and weeping uncontrollably into a pillow.
So, answer me this: What has helped you during a breakup, and can you recommend any songs that I should add to my “End of Times” playlist?
Readers, get yourselves to the comments and compile the epitome of break-up playlists. NB Matilda, avoid listening to songs you might need in future years, because once you’ve recovered from the break-up, it can be unpleasant to return to the music that sustained you through the difficult times.
I’m looking for a question that was as far as possible from the unpleasantness of the previous post. This question from Scott from Utah, living in Taiwan, does the job:
I’m not a huge fan of bananas, but they work well with my stomach (I have ulcerative colitis).
I’ve been buying them a lot lately and can’t seem to pick a good batch that will last me a week. They’ll either be too green, too ripe, too bruised, etc. Refrigerating them doesn’t keep them fresh, and nothing else seems to work either.
Answer me this: how does a person know which bananas to pick from the store and how in the world do you keep them fresh?? If there are any foolproof tips, please let me know because google hasn’t helped me.
PHEW. Nothing terrifying there. Readers: banana tips for Scott! Go!
Oh no! The romantic relationships of our questioneers are in jeopardy…because of VERY IMPORTANT disagreements. Here’s Rebecca from Chesterfield‘s:
My husband and I got married in April and so far the worst argument disturbing our newly wedded bliss is this:
When I tell my husband that I am working “next Saturday” he will then be confused as to why I then make plans for the weekend coming.
He seems to think that “next Saturday” means the coming Saturday as in “the next Saturday.
I have told him that he is wrong. That would be “this Saturday”.
Please help settle this dispute.
Fine. Readers: vote.
And now, another life-or-death point of contention from Julia from Oxford:
My boyfriend, who lives in London, is of Californian origin. We’re both flying out there this month for a holiday and I’m really looking forward to it. The problem I have is this – he is *convinced*, having lived in both the US and the UK, that American bacon is objectively superior. I like American bacon (after all, it’s bacon), but I personally prefer the British style as it’s juicier and meatier than its States-side counterpart.
I understand that tastes differ and don’t consider either type to be better than the other in absolute terms. However, I just know he’s going to go on about the damn bacon while we’re out there and insist on asking me whether it’s better every time we eat it. He’s quite reasonable about most American/British divide issues, so why on earth is he so dogmatic about this particular foodstuff? Is bacon really that polarising??
Let’s just see, shall we?
And let’s not reignite the Bacon Wars between Canada and Denmark. So many young lives pointlessly lost…
While bacon appears to be a very emotional issue in this relationship, the question Julia should be asking instead is why her boyfriend has to be right – can’t he let this matter lie and just enjoy the bacon of whichever country he’s in? What’s really going on under there?
I’m relieved I don’t live next door to them, because I don’t want to be woken at 3am by screams of “But ours is CRISPIER, Julia!”
Answer Me This! Podcast 