Archive for the ‘extracurricular questions’ Category

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Lie back and think of England

May 17, 2010

** Click here for Episode 135 **

Like many of you, I imagine, I didn’t particularly want to hear Olly answer the following question from Johnny from Bromsgrove:

What strategies do you employ to “keep the wolf from the door” (as Alan Partridge would say) when enjoying a loving moment?

When giving me a hand job, my girlfriend says “peekaboo” on the downstroke, which does the job for me.

A vivid glimpse into the private lives of people I’ve never met; thanks Johnny. What an image. Readers, if any of you feel compelled to share your own anti-ejaculant thoughts, you’re welcome to do so in the comments. Personally I’m surprised reference to Alan Partridge doesn’t do the trick.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 8 Comments »

Soviet success

May 5, 2010

** Click here for Episode 133 **

Here is a plea from Annabelle in Durham, North Carolina:

I am a junior in high school in the US. This summer, I am getting paid by the State Department to go to Russia for two months and learn Russian (I feel just like James Bond).

They have sent me various safety handbooks, mostly full of slightly scary things like “We are not saying to lie if you are gay and say you are straight while in Russia, we are just saying the Russian police like to brutalize pride parades” and “Dealing with misogyny and sexual harassment while in Russia”, as well as several things that don’t really affect me, telling us how much trouble we will be in for drinking or going to clubs.

Answer me this: is there any advice you would give to a teenage girl regarding being in Russia?

Well, when I was 15 I went to stay in a suburb of Moscow, where I learnt that to fit in with the native teenage girls you need to wear tinsel in your hair and be an enthusiastic advocate of Bon Jovi. But times have changed since 1995 – just ask the band Menswe@r – so if any of you have more up-to-date advice for Annabelle in her Russian adventure, please bestow it in the comments.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »

marriage and materialism

May 4, 2010

** Click here for Episode 133 **

Everyone, thankyou so much for your lovely messages regarding my betrothal to Martin the Sound Man. And apologies for taking him off the market.
We’ve no idea when or where the nuptials will take place as yet, but we’ve currently no plans for the cynical scheme suggested by Ben from Stafford:

When you get married could you guys have a MASSIVE wedding party somewhere in the country and invite all the Answer Me This! fans to wish you a happy life and charge people to get in to ease on your cost?

No chance, Ben; I’m not Jordan!

Naomi from France also has a suggestion:

At Helen and Martin’s wedding, you could play ALL the stuff they’ve ever said about marriage on AMTP, and then have a Big Brother type voice saying: ‘And look at them now!’

Again: NO.

Happily, we’re not the only new engagement; congratulations are in order for young CJ from Wales:

On the 23rd March I proposed to my now fiancee Emma-Lea who I love and would do anything in the world for! I love her so much and I trust her with my life, to prove this I have told her more about me than ANYONE else will ever know, I told her EVERYTHING I can think of and remember and then told her my facebook password because I love and trust her so much! She has told me everything and her facebook password too! We’re now in the position where we can tell each other everything and we have each other’s passwords to facebook which our lives are virtually on so Helen and Martin answer me this, do you or would you tell one another everything and share your passwords where by you could destroy the others life if you so wished but love and trust each other enough to know neither of you would ever do that?

Aaah CJ, when you get to our age it’s enough of a struggle just to remember your own password.

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bad dates

April 29, 2010

** Click here for Episode 132 **

I’m sure most hot-blooded ladies are turned on by the sight of Christian Bale running around with the chainsaw then talking to Willem Dafoe, but evidently not Emma, who says:

Some years back, when I was a singleton and American Psycho was in cinemas, I agreed to a date with a seemingly normal chap. When he called to arrange the data he was pretty insistent that American Psycho would make an ideal first date film. I did not agree. Somehow I feel that female mutilation, extreme violence and rape do not make the best start to a relationship. In the end I told him I would rather not go out with him at all and, after a few more phone calls to try and sell me the American-Psycho-ideal-first-date thing, he gave up. I still feel that I probably escaped a bit of a nutter.

So Helen and Olly please answer me this: What is the worst date you have ever been on, or almost been on?

It’s hard for any of us to answer this question: partly because we’ve all been in our respective relationships that dating seems a very distant memory; partly because we’re English and, back in our single prime, people here never went on dates – they just got drunk and molested each other. That was the native form, until internet dating came along and made people more courtly/completely perplexed by the whole process.

But hey, let’s kick off our own My Very Worst Date-style thread right here: readers, head to the comments and blab about YOUR own dating horror-stories. I could pretend it was for some noble purpose, but it’s obviously so we can all have a jolly chuckle at your expense. Go forth and enable.

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Mustard Creams

April 29, 2010

** Click here for Episode 132 **

Here’s a half-pound of foodular fun from Patrick:

I initially dismissed Wasabi Pringles as being an odd flavouring for a crisp, but after trying them, POW! I’m hooked. Wasabi flavouring and MSG seem to have a strangely euphoric effect on me, especially during times of stress…

So, Answer Me This… What strange flavourings or food combination have won you round?

Readers, since we at Answer Me This! have discussed the peculiarities of our palates enough – as evidenced by the fact that wasabi-flavoured Pringles seem like nothing but a sensible combo to us – it is time for you to share your own favourite wrong-snacks instead. Chutney-flavoured Mars Bars? Tea-flavoured Hula Hoops? Twig-flavoured Twiglets? Pray tell all in the comments!

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 13 Comments »

Village amusements

April 21, 2010

** Click here for Episode 131 **

With the sun out and the May Day bank holiday fast approaching, this email from Jim from Tewkesbury seems timely:

Referring to the swan- and duck-related banter in episode 129, I thought I
would share with you a game invented by a lady of my late acquaintance, namely Duck Racing (the game, not the lady).

This involves throwing bread at one side of the pond, then when all the competitors have gathered together, throwing bread to the other end of the pond. The race is immediately underway and the big stakes can be laid down. Winner takes all.

So, Helen and Olly, answer me this; what do you do to spice things up when indulging in the ever-popular British pastime of “going to some town or village for the afternoon”?

You mean you’ve exhausted the pleasures of the pub/tea-room/post office/churchyard/horse show/National Trust property before the afternoon is out? You must live at the speed of light, Jim from Tewkesbury. But readers, what can you suggest for people looking to adopt this sort of pastime? Head to the comments to tell us all how to enjoy ourselves in the minor conurbations of Great Britain.

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Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 1 Comment »

Don’t mind her, she’s got the vampires in

April 14, 2010

** Click here for Episode 130 **

Looks like someone other than Martin the Sound Man was bored watching Twilight, because Elle from Leeds was sufficiently unswept-away by the Grand Romance to ponder upon the following:

I’m not being deliberately disgusting but please answer me this… If the whole tragedy about Twilight is that Edward wants to drink Bella’s blood, couldn’t he just wait for her to get her period? This would result in an immediate happy ending and everyone wins.

Couldn’t all vampires just do this? They wouldn’t be as terrifying but perhaps a little creepy…

Apart from Edward going hungry for most of the month – which would only make him even more vapid – this does seem like a halfway sensible plan to us. So what is the catch? We’re not experts/interested in the whole vampire mythology, but if any of you are, head right for the comments and tell us whether this could solve both the problem of vampirical nutrition and landfill caused by feminine hygiene products.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, frippery | 2 Comments »

Vajazzled!

April 14, 2010

** Click here for Episode 130 **

Some questions we receive are too visual to cover in the medium of podcast. Such as this one from Hannah in Bridgnorth:

Why when I type ‘listen’ into Google Images does it come up with wot looks like a jewelled fanny!!?!?!?!?!?

Readers. Don’t just take Hannah’s word for it; go to Google Images and see for yourself. The result is sort of NSFW, unless you work for Charles Saatchi.

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Dear John

April 5, 2010

** Click here for Episode 129 **

Apply yourselves, please, to this little pickle on behalf of Rukaiya from Nigeria:

Please answer me this:
What’s the best way to tell a guy you’re not interested in a relationship without sabotaging the friendship???

One simple method is to start seeing someone else and parading him in front of poor old Muggins as if unaware of the latter’s interest, although we admit it’s not a sensitive manoeuvre. Readers, any other ideas? Head to the comments to tell Rukaiya how to break a foolish heart!

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »

Every cloud…

March 31, 2010

** Click here for Episode 128 **

There’s not a great deal of cuteness here at Answer Me This!, so thanks very much to Heather from Manchester for supplying some:

Do you have a mascot? If not, my guinea pig Cloud would like to apply. She has had no previous mascot-training; however she is very enthusiastic and will work for free! She even has her own yellow Answer Me This! jacket. Here is a picture of Cloud posing in her uniform for you to look at.

All together now, awwwwww! And also, doesn’t Cloud look a bit pissed off to be forced into a yellow garment? Or is that just her modelling face?

We’re not sure what mascot duties would include, but certainly couldn’t discount having one just yet; so if any of the rest of you want to send us nice pictures of your pets dressed up in home-made Answer Me This! merch, then we can audition them for such mascot-necessary qualities as…er…looking good in yellow and not shitting on the job? Anyway, send in your photos to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com, and we can have some sort of X Factor-style contest, only without that infernal singing.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, frippery, visuals | 2 Comments »

Don’t boff the boss!

March 25, 2010

** Click here for Episode 127 **

Turn your minds, please, to this question from Megan in North Walsham:

Is shagging your boss right or wrong?!? My best friend (let’s call him George) is fucking his male MARRIED TO A WOMAN boss. George freely admits that he’s a gold-digger and using his boss for his money. Should I tell him to stop shagging his boss and potentially lose him his job, or ignore it and let him keep raking in the money?? I love George to bits, and don’t particularly want to see him hurt or unemployed. He’s asking me what he should do, and I don’t know what to tell him. Please help!

Ideally, Megan, you could turn back time and make George not fuck his boss in the first place, because each of the realistic denouements in the above scenario will likely result in ‘George’ eventually being sacked. Perhaps we are being prudish, but in our (dirty) book, sexing people a) in a position of authority over you b) who are married c) for money is NOT a good idea.

Furthermore, we anticipate that the longer he carries on this foolish affair, the worse the fallout will be; so he should stop as soon as the employment market is looking a bit more buoyant.

But readers, what do YOU think? Head to the comments to advise Megan how to instill in George the moral compass which he appears to lack.

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cake for the win!

March 24, 2010

We’ve just heard back from last week’s rhyme-baffled Alice from London:

I would firstly like to apologise for the question about rhymes (it was a drunk call, alcohol it seems is really killing my brain).

Don’t worry about it, Alice – Episode 127 was none the shabbier for it. Please carry on:

I have a question about cakes!

Me and my flatmates are planning to have a “cake-off” with an independent source judging which cake reigns supreme. I have a feeling that my other two flatmates will go down the chocolate/Victoria sponge route, so Answer Me This – what cake will make me win?? I’m willing to take up any challenge.

Although we do all feel very strongly about cakes – especially chocolate cakes – we worry that the responsibility is far too great for us. So readers, please head for the comments and tell Alice what sort of cake to bake! Meanwhile Alice can take inspiration from here, and heed the warnings here.

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Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 19 Comments »

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