Archive for the ‘Answer Us Back! Your time to opine’ Category

Gimme a job, dickface! Sorry, I meant MISTER Dickface.

August 27, 2009

Frankly none of your interview bloopers have quite matched up to Neal from Crawley‘s stump-shaking cringerama, as featured in Episode 105, but we realise that’s a tough act to follow, and we’re still very pleased you’ve shared with us your solecisms. Check them out HERE. Below are a few more that came into our inbox. Tanya from Twickenham recounts an awkward university interview:

I had to sit on what looked like a kitchen chair in the middle of a massive room. There were two interviewers, a man and a woman – the man was sitting on the far right side of the room on a very high chair like a barstool and the woman was sitting on a very low sofa on the far left side of the room.

I felt totally ridiculous looking from one to the other from my isolated position in the middle of the room, and I could hardly hear what the woman was asking me as she was so far away. The man picked his nose throughout the whole thing.

When I left, I tripped over the rug and crashed into the door. They didn’t offer me a place.

Another university interview Fail comes from Alex from Nottingham:

I had an interview to study medicine at UEA. I took the train down and there was a death on the track ahead; I never got the details but we got an announcement that the police had made it into a crime scene as we rushed to the coach.

Later on in my interview the interviewer asked if I had any trouble getting there and I replied, “Oh not much, I came down on the train but there was a death on the track ahead.” There was an awkward pause and so I carried on, “…Which almost made me late.” I then realised this was the kind of callous thing never to say to an interviewer whose primary purpose was to analyse how caring and compassionate I was. Unsurprisingly, I did not get in.

This one from Alasdair from Austria reads more like an early-90s sitcom plot:

In 1991 as students, a friend and I went to an interview for a placement year in Wiltshire from Leicester, and it was the worst time ever. I did the normal thing and was up early and dressed smart etc., then dropped around to my friend’s house to find he had pulled the night before and was asleep with her and hungover. After an impolite and confusing rush to get him awake and help him get his clothes and car keys etc. and somehow explain to the lady that we had to go, we piled into his car and drove off.

About an hour later, after occasionally helping him stay on the road by “assisting” him with the steering wheel, we ran out of petrol. I had to walk sweating up a hill with a petrol can and luckily found a farmer’s house and persuaded the farmer’s wife to drive me to a petrol station and get petrol. At least it was a respite from the stale alcohol fumes from my friend’s mouth. He was of course asleep when I got back to the car.

We finally arrived in the small town almost late, and my friend was not yet in his suit. We ended up stopping at a pub to change, but since it was before opening hours it was closed and he had to get changed in a little plastic kiddy tree-house. As you can imagine we arrived thoroughly rattled, I was physically shaking from fried nerves and we hadn’t eaten.

In the end I got offered a job. My friend was still hungover of course and didn’t.

Any more for any more? No need to be shy, you’re among friends here. Share with us by commenting here, that we might all learn from your mistakes laugh at your misfortune.

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and so to bed

August 18, 2009

** Click here for Episode 104 **

Here’s a very simple solution to Chris from Barcelona‘s sleeping-in-a-hot-climate problem from Episode 104, courtesy of Janelle from New Brunswick, Canada:

I can help Chris from Barcelona with three words…KING SIZE BED!

I am recently married and before we were married, my husband and I could never handle napping in the same bed; we were always in each
other’s personal space, and someone would always end up with no blankets and almost on the floor.

So upon getting married and living together we made a choice to value sleep and our sanity, so we bought a KING SIZE BED, it is 108 x
102 inches of pure bliss! I can sprawl out and I do not even know he is there, plus we meet in the middle for cuddle time. And if we had separate bedrooms, we would
miss out on the pillow talk and general intimacy that accompanies sharing a bed.

So Chris, get to your local mattress store and INVEST!

Thanks for the tip, Janelle – you don’t happen to have shares in http://www.massivespanishbeds.com, do you?

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tits in headphones

August 12, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 103 **

Cast your minds back, listeners, all the way to Episode 101 and this question from Callum from Colne Engaine: “I remember seeing an album cover with something like a man with headphones on (the big ‘cans’ type) with only half of his face on the album cover. I think he may have been wearing a beanie. Do you know whose album it was?”

Well, Ben in Cardiff might:

Not 100% sure if this is correct, but it could be the cover of ‘The Sound of the Cosmos’, a 3 disc mix by Tom Middleton. He is wearing a beanie (or equivalent skull cap) and there is only half of his face on the cover, but he’s not wearing headphones. And he’s full of cosmos.

What do you reckon, Callum?
Tom Middleton

If that’s not it, maybe this from Keith in Bradford will provide you some consolation:

Hi Helen,

I was trying to find the answer to your posed question of which album cover has a man with a pair of earphones……

However, I did stumble upon this picture which I thought was quite funny, and something with which which you have to endure – a pair of tits in headphones.

LOL

Tits in headphones

Indeed, a common sight around the Answer Me This! studios, although we rarely look quite so cheerful about it…

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Pakistan, The Talkies and Wine Gum mind control

August 12, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 103 **

We’ve got some feedback from you lot about the last couple of episodes. Firstly from Suhail from Pakistan:

In Episode 102, on the topic of the second most funniest podcast in the world, Olly suggested that there could be podcasts in other languages that you don’t know about – for example in Pakistan. Well you should be know that there are absolutely no comedy podcasts in Pakistan, so at least from my side I can say that you guys actually are second funniest podcast in the world.

Wahey! That’s all the proof we need, so thanks Suhail; we’ll press on getting our ‘2nd funniest’ medallions minted.

Next we heard from Robin from Southport, regarding Episode 103:

Listening to this week’s podcast took me back to my youth. ( I am probably your oldest listener, at a youthful 55 and three quarters.) You were discussing whether the cinema still shows the film if they haven’t sold any tickets. Back in the old days, when the cinema was known as the pictures, they used to show two films in a programme, the main feature and the B movie. They would show the films continuously.

We would go into the pictures when we arrived, and usually one of the films would be showing. We would then sit through both films, but when we got to the part of the film that was showing when we arrived, we would leave the cinema (unless it was a particularly good ending, in which case we would stay on and see the ending again). If we wanted we could arrive at the pictures as the shows started in the early afternoon and see the films several times, leaving after the last showing. This seems very strange, but in the 60s it was common practice. No wonder drugs became popular!

Frankly, watching films on a loop sounds far more our thing than the wilder aspects of the 1960s; but perhaps that decade would have been wasted upon us… Anyway, our final Will:

I do not regard myself as someone easily susceptible to advertising, but after hearing your latest podcast I left the house for a light lunchtime stroll and felt compelled to take a detour along the main road (which I never do) to buy some Wine Gums (which I have never done). I’m not even that fond of Wine Gums so the action immediately struck me as out of character. It only occurred to me hearing the podcast again that Wine Gums were a central feature and that – clearly -somehow you had used your clandestine persuasion tactics to compel me into buying them.

Answer me this: are you being paid a massive retainer by Maynards for podcast product placement? And are there any other major brands palming you off with cash? Should I expect to be buying a Blu-Ray Collector’s Edition of 7even even though I don’t have a Blu-ray player (nor know what Blu-ray is)? Or will I be booking last-minute holidays at Center Parcs next week, even though I live alone, have no remaining family and hate cycling?

Golly! As if we’d be veritably capable of such devious trickery. Our feelings are so hurt, Will.

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No more tears!

August 5, 2009

onion eyeball

** Click here for EPISODE 102 **

We’ve had a few tips from listeners regarding how to diminish the cry-powers of the onion, as discussed in Episode 102. Heed the advice of Oliver from Leeds:

Breathing in from your nose draws these chemicals into your eyes. Answer: breathe shallowly through your mouth while cutting onions, always worked for me.

I’ll try that; and maybe contact lens-wearer Olly can test what Jen in Wisconsin suggests:

I am a voracious home cook, and have worked in a cooking school. I wear contact lenses most of the time, and chopping onions hardly ever bothers me. But if I’m just wearing my glasses, then my eyes sting and water. I have never yet heard anyone talk about the fact that contact lenses protect your eyes from onion fumes. And they do have “vanity lenses”, so you can get contacts without corrective lenses.

Happy chopping!

So that‘s why Marilyn Manson always wears his silly cataract-lenses! We assumed it was to look creepy, but really it was to protect himself whilst preparing his soup-bases.

UPDATE: Lew from the Czech Republic advises:

This is a little bit of advice given to me by an Irish girl over twenty years ago. “Chop it in the garden, you stupid sod”. If you are outside, or even near a window or a door with a through draft, it will never make you cry. Such a sensible idea.

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What a lovely massive cheque; wherever did you get it?

July 30, 2009

** Click here for Episode 101 **

We love it when listeners write in with the inside scoop on things we discussed in the podcast. For instance, Kat’s exposé of Build-a-Bear, and now, following Jon from Bath’s question about giant cheques in Episode 101, we’ve received the real answer from Adrian from Tolworth:

As a bank employee, I can tell you far more about them than anybody could ever really care.

They cost the bank £1.72 each to produce and are made on laminated paper, so they can be wiped clean and reused. Generally, each branch holds one, which are then lent out to companies or charities as
necessary.

These are not real cheques (for many good reasons), so whenever one is used, they’ll also have to hand over a boring regular-sized cheque as well.

So there isn’t a giant sitting in the back room of HSBC churning them out? Damn. Perhaps some things should remain a mystery.

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You may now kiss the bride…if her faceful of bees doesn’t put you off.

July 27, 2009

** Click here for Episode 101 **

In Episode 101 Helen sounded off about the homogeneity of wedding photos on Facebook. Then she felt a little bit guilty about it, until an ambassador of the Lord Almighty emailed in to confirm her jaundiced views – Adrian, a priest from Belfast:

I completely agree with your determination that, no matter the details, most weddings are basically the same! Obviously it’s part of my job, and weddings are really great things to be part of; but so far there’s been very little that has made any weddings at which I’ve officiated different from the others, special though each one was.

So, in order for me to appropriately advise couples in relation to their approaching nuptials, Helen and Olly, answer me this: what on earth can anyone do to make their wedding interesting and different without making it a gimmick-laden waste of time for all involved?

Well of course everyone in the whole world has given this wedding gimmick the thumbs up; and I doubt one would forget the ceremonies of these brave chaps or this possibly friendless groom. But readers, let’s consider couples who don’t see themselves as dancers or zoophiles: what other charming ways can you think of to distinguish one’s nuptials from the rest? Please comment below! And no, splashing out on the napkin rings will NOT cut the mustard…

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Children and caving

July 15, 2009

Last week, ovaries were ruffled and coos were unleashed when Archie piped up on the phoneline to become AMT’s youngest ever questioneer. But not even high-pitched infantile cuteness could disguise the fact that he had failed to adhere to correct question-posing form, so young Archie was summarily bitch-slapped back to the sandpit. What sort of impact might such admonition have on a young psyche? Father-of-Archie Dean from Suffolk has filled us in:

I have listened to podcast 99 with pride and heard my little lad Archie’s question being thrown out by Olly! Just thought you might like to know that he took your words on board and tried to “go back from where he came from”. To give the lad his due he was almost up to his knees before the wife noticed. My wife is obviously a little upset at this turn of events and is talking about divorce; however Archie did find my best watch which I thought was lost forever in her lady parts, so a positive outcome after all!

Which got me thinking…Answer me this: why do people like potholing?

Having never committed myself to anything more adventurous than unclogging the drain, I find myself unable to answer that question; but if any of you readers are keen speologists, please comment below to enlighten us about the pleasures of potholing. Everyone else can vote on the following:

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The whole shebang

May 26, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

We have some feedback from Episode 96, firstly courtesy of Meg from Carlisle in response to Laurence from York’s question about external news reports:

When I’m not being an Answer Me This! Listener (and sometimes when I am), I am a hot young journo very much like Lois Lane. While I actually work for a newspaper, I often encounter TV reporters when I’m out on the road. So, to answer the fellow with the sweaty-pitted teacher:

1. TV news is a visual format and as such needs to be interesting, or at least varied, to look at. You’d soon notice if it was just some people in a room.
2. TV news needs to be different from its radio/newspaper/internet-based brethren, otherwise what’s the point?
3. Believe it or not, those guys usually aren’t being told what to say. In my experience, TV journalists just turn up on the scene and do what we all do – ask a few questions and try and work out what’s going on. I’ve seen a News 24 girl report to camera completely off the cuff, without any notes, seconds after admitting she had no idea what she was about to say.

A thrilling insight into the fast-paced world of tv news! And now a thrilling insight into the world of programming languages, thanks to James in Cornwall:

This, #!, is a shebang. It is a bit dull really, but it is used in a few programming languages on Unix.

Yup, I think that’s just the answer James from Glasgow was expecting us to give…

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Eggy apology

May 26, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 96 **

Oh deary dear, we’ve had a Strongly-Worded Letter of Complaint arising from my allusion to ironic 1980s cookbook Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche in Episode 95:

OI! I’ve got a bone to pick with you (which in itself is an odd phrase; answer me this – where did it originate?)

But onto my point. I like football, I swear a lot and I have tattoos. In short, I am a real man.

I ALSO LIKE QUICHE.

It is not unmanliness, it is simply a lush foodstuff that goes nice with salad (which is also manly, if you omit the celery). I demand you make a public apology.

Yours
Slightly Miffed from Treorchy

Well, here’s your public apology, Slightly Miffed; and I hope you don’t get similarly riled by my reference to the culinary classic Salad Cream is for Dickwads in the forthcoming Episode 97.

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cokey dogs

May 21, 2009

Here’s a sorry tale from Rob in Sampford Peverell, Devon:

Following your discussion of sniffer dogs getting hooked on cocaine in Episode 95, it became clear you haven’t heard of the sad story of sniffer dog Max, from the Avon and Somerset constabulary:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4357551/Police-sniffer-dog-dies-of-nose-cancer-after-sniffing-cocaine.html

(And yes, the wheels are real, I met him once).

R.I.P. Max. It seems dogs can have side effects of years of coke-sniffing, if not snorting.

R.I.P. Max indeed! Stay away from drugs, kids and dogs!

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pleasant things to hear and look at. And Hitler’s balls.

May 20, 2009

** Click here for EPISODE 95 **

Attention fellows! AMT! jingle alum Gavin Osborn has a new album out this week; it is called Meeting Your Heroes and you can buy it from:
iTunes, Amazon or Banquet Records. Which we recommend, because it will be very good.

In other musical news, according to Hugo from London the ‘Hitler has only got one ball’ song is founded in truth! He writes:

You may be interested to know that despite your research Hitler did in fact only have one ball! As did Franco!

An apparently all too common injury from the first world war it seems.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8055329.stm.

But the chat about said song in Episode 94 has caused some consternation for Sarah from Gaytown:

I’m entirely confused about this “Hitler only had one ball” thing.
I’ve never heard this song – but desperately wish I had.
I asked my history teacher and he sent me an email back asking him to stop being inappropriate over emails so that I don’t get into any trouble.
What’s going on? I don’t really mind one way or the other about Hitler’s man bits, but a think you guys singing this song for us would definitely make my email embarrassment go away.

I’m not sure us singing monorchid wartime ditties would help anyone’s embarrassment go away, but if you want to read up on Hitler’s nads, Sarah, then here are a couple of useful articles upon the matter. Study them well, and you are bound to ace your Political Undercarriages of History exam!

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