Why can I not buy different-coloured tyres for my car? I can get coloured tyres for bicycles. I want fucking blue tyres on my car!!
I’m counting on your help to solve his query, because I can’t even remember the last time I bought any tyres. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever bought tyres. I don’t own a car, bike, trike, moped or wheelbarrow, so what the jigger would I need tyres for? Hanging one off a tree to swing about in? I don’t even have my own tree, so I’m entirely counted out of the tyre market. So go to the comments and tell the man how to spruce up his boring-coloured wheels.
Happy birthday to you, Leah from Somerset! We have no further message for you, unlike some other birthday well-wishers of your acquaintance:
Answer me this; what the fuck do you say to your best friend when he gives you a three-page letter telling you he loves you in your 17th birthday card?!
Thing is sometimes I like him, for example he has good music taste (Rolling Stones and Black Keys rather than this JLS rubbish) but sometimes he can also be an annoying twat who is usually 3 hours late.
Please help, I start college tomorrow and I can’t sleep because of this veritable bombshell.
Well we can’t have you turning up sleepy to college, so let’s not delay in considering a vital but unknown component of this equation: your feelings towards this fellow. If you actually like him In That Way, what’s to stop you going for it? Bar the fact that, judging by your email, you don’t even seem particularly fond of him as a friend, since the bedrock of your relationship is the fact that he cares not for JLS.
Readers, go to the comments and decide for Leah, will you? She needs to get back to class.
Welcome to September, fellows; and right there along with that back-to-school feeling, blackberries and the looming return of Strictly Come Dancing, isAnswer Me This! Episode 148:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
In which we consider:
serving suggestions
Kris Marshall’s erection
hot nuts
booze calories
Andrew Lansley
Panini sticker distribution Ruddles
overripe Bounty Bars
dodgems vs. bumper cars
natural light vs. unnatural flickery light
Olly’s grandma vs. black chandeliers
Britain’s Most Wanted Man
salted slugs
and
Amanda Seyfried’s jugs
Furthermore, Olly suggests that Brutus might not have been a murderer but a midwife; Helen wishes death upon the loathsome Adam’n’Jane; and Martin the Sound Man explains the hydrodynamics of a log flume. See? Science CAN be fun!
Over on the app, we deal with a question from David about how cavemen cut umbilical cords. Although Olly doesn’t deal that well, thanks to his curious belly button phobia. Was he flogged with a dessicated placenta as a young boy? The mystery persists…
Now don’t forget to net yourself some free audioliterature courtesy of Audible.co.uk – click here to find out about their splendid offers for AMTfans, and we can all revel in their largesse together. Then, you might send us a QUESTION, in the form of a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Then we’ll all be happy, hiphiphip hooray!
See you next week; and we might be seeing Ian Collins as well. Who knows? Tune in to Episode 149 to find out!
Poor ‘Anonymous’ is having lady trouble. No, I don’t mean period pains – the other kind of lady trouble. He says:
Right, here’s the situation:
I went to the USA for two weeks, leaving my girlfriend and (male) best friend (or ex best friend…) in Wales. They, whilst being close to me, are also very close to each other, but I’m pretty sure there is nothing sexual about their relationship, even though I have taken jokes about them having ‘an affair’ for the entire year and a half she and I have been together. However, I learnt when I returned from the US that they had spent a lot of time together. And I mean A LOT. I also found out they’d been getting drunk (and stoned or whatever) together, going to London together, and sharing a bed (which was at one point a double bed in their own flat in London), “just as friends”. She also ended up sharing a bed with three other guys.
I am apparently entirely at fault for finding any problem with this, but everyone I’ve spoken to that ISN’T her (or him; we haven’t spoken since I got back) completely sees where I can find problems with this. So here is the question that I pose to thee:
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?
Start keeping an assortment of girls in your bed. If that doesn’t invoke her jealousy, at least it’ll cheer you up. Anyway, count yourself lucky, compared to our next emailer:
I have just got back from reading festival, and while the music was amazing I can’t help but feel a little bit put out about the behaviour of my girlfriend over the weekend.
On the first night while I was watching Guns’N’Roses she said she felt tired and went back the tent. It later turned out that she in fact went back and had sex with my best friend in my own tent. However she was pretty drunk that night so I forgave her, but just two nights later I came back to my tent and found her having a threesome with two random people she had met at the festival.
This leads me to my question: answer me this… should I forgive my girlfriend again?
Don’t bother. She’ll be too busy banging to notice.
Alright food cowards, you win. You don’t have to try to be more adventurous and try cucumber or sandwiches or liquids or any of the other things you haven’t tried, not after this extremely cautionary tale from Lucy from Brighton:
After hearing about what common foods some people surprisingly hadn’t tried I thought I’d pitch in the following anecdote:
At the age of 17 I had never tried peanut butter, but sitting in the sixth form centre I suddenly had a MASSIVE craving for it. So a friend who was already on the way to the corner shop decided to buy some for me. I had about a teaspoonful before, lo and behold, my lips started to tingle, and my throat closed up.
It turns out I am woefully allergic to peanuts.
So, answer me this: Why, If they could kill me, was my body craving them??
Readers? Any ideas why Lucy’s body hates her thus?
We’re thoroughly enjoying hearing about the mainstream foodstuffs you’ve never tried; here are some of your contributions, and below are some more:
Justin from Gloucester, Massachusetts:there are many things I have never eaten, including fish, apple pie, pickles and baked beans.
English Richard living in France: the mainstream food I have never tried is Walker’s Ready Salted crisps, due to my dislike of ready salted flavour.
Amy: I’m 17 and I’ve never had ANY fizzy drinks or coffee or tea – how unnatural is it to drink bubbles? blurghhhh and I wouldn’t like to be topped up with caffeine all day.
Jed in Glasgow: I have never tried poached egg or any kind of Caesar salad.
Eilidh from Dingwall, Scotland: apart from a little bit of haddock and fish fingers, I’ve not had fish! Another thing I’ve never had is a steak; I’ve no interest 🙂
Woo-hoo, it’s time for our special guest episode! Sorry campers, Ian Collins forgot to turn up this week (although with any luck he will be on the show in a couple of weeks. (If he remembers.)), so you’ll just have to make do with the three of us in Answer Me This! Episode 147, as per. Here we are:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
We speak this week of:
speed of sound vs. speed of light Cats vs. pigs vs. puppets
Keanu Reeves vs. Martin’s dad
steak and kidney pudding
newspapers for Christmas
blue-screening Neighbours
hare The Sheep-pig by Dick King-Smith
artichoke liqueurs
builders’ tea
allergens Countdown for foreigners St John
and
eel.
Olly depends upon Twitter to make even the most banal decisions for him; Helen explains Deal or No Deal in a nutshell; and Martin the Sound Man calms everyone down with some maths before they crap themselves in a scary thunderstorm.
Over on the AMT app, there’s the extended coverage of the balls’n’Marmite issue; and we bid farewell to our Great British Questions series with a blooper reel, which is the only way we know how to say goodbye. Which will make our funerals interesting.
There’s good news too, folks: once again we’ve teamed up with Audible.co.uk to give freeeeeee audiobooks to AMT-listeners! Those of you who signed up before, do not feel left out, for there is also a very special offer for you too: dirt-cheap Audible membership for months of audiobook joy. Click here to find out how to claim your audiofreebies!
You know what else is free? Asking us QUESTIONS. Leave a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or dispatch an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. You’ll be none the poorer, and our lives will be the richer. RESULT.
Anon in Australia has been doing an informal survey which might be a ripe subject for a PhD thesis:
In my work as a pharmacist I dispense enormous quantities of medications for children with ADD or ADHD. “The Man” dictates that I am to keep handwritten records of each dispensing in a special book. Whilst auditing this book recently, I noticed something interesting about the Christian names of children in this book.
Compared to other children that required mundane things like antibiotics and what-not, the ones getting prescriptions for ADD medications overwhelmingly had exotic or alternatively spelled names. And no, I’m not alluding to “foreign” names. I looked at a popular baby-name website and found that while some of these Christian names have been very popular over the last ten years (most in the top 50 baby names), 20 years ago none of them were even in the top 100!
So answer me this; WTF is going on here? Is naming your baby “Jayden”, “Harley” or “Taylah” sentencing the poor child to a life of petty arson and inattentiveness at school? Will a traditional name like “Bruce” avert this life path?
Readers, strap on your snobbery-bonnets and tell Anon in the comments whether you have found sound scientific evidence corroborating this theory.
Here’s a letter to Penthouse, which James accidentally sent to us instead:
I am a surveyor and I am a very courteous surveyor at that. If, for example, I am given the key for flat to inspect, rather than just barging in, I will always knock on the door and after allowing plenty of time for a reply, I will poke my head through the door and then announce my presence before entering the flat.
So imagine my surprise, having inspected the master bedroom, to walk into the en suite bathroom to find two girls in the shower. Furthermore, these were not the boot-wearing, shaved head, short and stocky type that you might see on a gay pride parade but two beautiful Japanese girls that you are more likely to see in a movie.
So Helen and Olly answer me this: what excuse can I use to accidentally walk in on the girls again? Please bear in mind that I have now accidentally walked in on them 34 times.
Erm, something about leaking pipes? Exploding boilers in the downstairs area? Readers, we expect you have been in this situation more often than we have, so go to the comments and leave your suggestions for James to be a big pervert.
We can’t let Great British Questions go quite yet. Here’s the last hurrah from our video-making road trip:
Helen and Olly’s Great British Bloopers
Here are responses to a few of the questions you asked about the series:
• “Where did you get your sunglasses from?” They were 3 for £10 from a market stall in Camden. Nothing but the best for us. • “What’s wrong with Olly’s eyes?” Nothing! They are both entirely fine, with the full complement of pupils, irises and whites. • “What happened to the cheese-rolling where they run down a steep hill?” Shut down because of health and safety, alas. Watching this, we simply cannot understand why… • “Where’s Martin the Sound Man?” He has a real job, you know. • “How funny are the YouTube closed captions?” VERY funny. Everybody, if you haven’t already, go and watch the videos again but click on the red ‘CC’ button and select ‘Transcribe Audio’.
Additional things we learnt on the road:
• In the war of the regional plum loaves, Lincolnshire plum loaf beats Lancashire plum loaf hands down.
• If there’s anything more depressing than Blackpool on a Friday night, it is Blackpool on a Thursday night when everything is shut and there’s not even a single stag-night livening the place up.
• During the trip, we sampled many Great British Breakfasts, much to the chagrin of our arteries. Standards varied wildly, and to our surprise, our favourite was to be found at the Preston Marriott. An entire roomful of self-service hot and cold breakfast buffet? We’ll take it! In fact, we will take far more than we want to eat, just on principle.
• Whereas the Bath Travelodge serves your breakfast in a bag. This feels disproportionately dehumanising.
• The hotels we liked the best were the White Hart, Moretonhampstead, Devon; Ten Hill Place, Edinburgh; and the Westmoreland Hotel, Tebay services – we defy you to tell us of a nicer motorway services hotel in the country!
• This year, all hotel toiletries smell of lemongrass. What’s your tip for the top scent for mini-shampoo in 2011?
• Top in-car entertainment: Backstreet Boys greatest hits; Fern Britton’s autobiography audiobook.
• Deep-fried Mars Bars are surprisingly nice. Deep-fried Galaxy bars are even nicer. I’m unlikely ever to submit my arteries to such an experience again, but if I did, I’d like to take a punt on deep-fried Snickers being the best of all.
So that’s it! Many thanks to Tess Longfield and Rachel Aked of VisitBritain for setting the whole up, and to you lot for watching.
This week, in Answer Me This! Episode 146, we turn to prayer. Don’t worry though; we counterbalance that with computer-game sadism.
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Appearing this week in our speech are:
exploding Anthea Turner (don’t worry, she survived!) The Daily Bra (a bit NSFW)
‘Whistle While You Work’ vs. ‘Girls and Boys Come Out To Play’ vs. ‘Greensleeves’
Theme Park
Katamari Damacy
you singular vs. you plural
young Mann’s evil marketing ruses
Skype at a wedding
the Siemens TJ 10500 Dressman Spaced
busy Henry VIII
the JFK death-film
and
Queen Victoria’s forbidden thunderbox
Plus: windy Olly has to choose between his girlfriend and his trouser-press; Helen is going to Hell for what she did to the Lord’s Prayer; and Martin the Sound Man says something sensible about balls for once. We’re also delighted to hear that love blooms between you listeners in even the unlikeliest of places (namely facebook.com/answermethis)
Meanwhile, over on the AMT app, there’s a very curious question from Kiki in Manchester about the Amelie-ish discovery of a mysterious photo of a baby surrounded by matchsticks. Have any of you mislaid such a thing? And in this week’s episode of Great British Questions, our toilet humour knows no bounds. The series is now finished, but come back next week for our Great British Outtakes reel.
Next week, in episode 147, we’ll be joined by special guest Ian Collins of the Late Show on talkSPORT; so send your QUESTIONS for Ian (and us) by leaving a voice message on 0208 123 5877 or Skype IDanswermethis, or firing off an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
In episode 145 you mentioned that you would rather dip a stick of celery in tea than a Nice biscuit.
This got me thinking of my friend who is from “up north” somewhere, he will frequently use his tea for dipping his toast in his tea!
He assures me that this is normal behaviour up north, so answer me this: is my friend a freak, or is it really normal up north? I’m suspicious as he also wipes his arse with baby wipes (which I am certain is not normal behaviour for an adult male!)
I have no trustworthy northern friends/acquaintances to ask and would like to continue mocking him but now with the confidence that I am right and what he is doing is odd and not just some regional peculiarity.
by Dick King-Smith
Answer Me This! Podcast 