Just thought I would email you after listening to AMT 298 and hearing your suggestion that Roombas could have cute little faces on them to make them more appealing. My good friend Nic has stuck little googly eyes onto his Roomba, which does indeed look very cute.
However, it does not disguise the fact that the Roomba is EVIL. Whenever I stay at his flat, anytime Nic goes out, literally within 30 seconds of him leaving the flat and me remaining inside, the Roomba will “wake up”, leave its docking station and zoom directly towards me. When I run away it will follow me around, attempting to eat my toes, unless I get up onto the sofa, at which point it will trundle around a corner and wait for me to get up again and walk past it.
Once Nic went out while I was in the shower, and when I got out and opened the bathroom door the Roomba was directly outside waiting for me! When Nic gets back and checks it, it always turns out that Roomba is not even programmed to run on that day or at the particular time it woke up.
OK, so Roombas might be convenient if you don’t want to vacuum your flat manually, but at least regular hoovers aren’t sentient and vicious…
Two options, Choco:
1. Your ‘friend’ Nic is having a great time fucking with you;
2. You are living in the film Hardware. Escape while you still can!
We godparentless asked you to provide godparenting advice to questioneer Cathy in AMT298, and we knew that such upstanding citizens as godparents would of course supply. Bruno sent us this touching email:
I was asked to be godfather to a baby girl when I was twenty, about the same age as Cathy is now. I certainly didn’t have a reputation as someone worthy of being a spiritual guide (and I daresay that reputation hasn’t improved much in the intervening thirteen years), but I was chosen because I suppose the parents liked me, and perhaps they thought that it would bring something out in me that hadn’t found a chance for expression otherwise.
I can say with certainty that it’s been one of the most positive experiences of my adult life. It’s incredibly easy, really – you just drop into someone’s life, give them thoughtfully chosen gifts and encouragement and then shoot off again before the grind of any real parental duties set in.
But I feel that I have gained at least as much from this as my goddaughter has, because (as a single guy) I have had a proximal experience to real fatherhood, a sort of dummy run including mistakes, let-downs and all, by which I have learned a great deal how I would approach the real thing. Being godfather has given and continues to give me great – even close to spiritual – satisfaction. So I feel Cathy should reflect that being a godparent is a gift as well as a responsibility.
Also, of course, by presenting the godchild with your own choice of books/films/etc you are able to mould an impressionable mind into one that agrees with your own sensibility (to tutor them, as Withnail once said, in the ways of righteousness) which is also very gratifying. I’m extremely pleased that my goddaughter, now thirteen, is well versed in the films of Studio Ghibli and the novels of Neil Gaiman a full ten years before I came across them. And has completed Portal 2.
As to the gift for the christening – who cares. Just show up. If the parents aren’t insane they won’t give a monkeys who gives what at a christening.
Luckily, Bruno, Tom from Derby has sent in a sterling idea for a christening gift:
We got our niece and goddaughter an engraved silver frame (to blah blah, from blah blah, on your christening, and then the date).
It felt like the correct sort of amount to spend as well as the correct amount of gravitas and useful longevity. Her mum has put a picture of us inside it which sits in her room.
Winning gift all round!
The only trouble was we felt it had to be matched when our other niece was christened despite not being her godparents. We got her a silver engraved keepsake box.
Classy, Tom. But what will you do if your goddaughter receives further siblings? The third will receive what – a silver toothpick, or a silver fish-slice? And if the family becomes very big, you’ll end up giving the later children silver nasal hair trimmers and those sticking plasters containing antibacterial silver.
Here’s an email from Richard who lives in Hemel, but spends most of his time in Nottingham, né Richard from Halifax from AMT66, as featured in the Intermission in AMT298, on the subject of which he writes:
Good news! and…bad.
I did not ever find my Maharaba princess, my quest for the ultimate holiday romance never materialised, but I did find another girl two years later named Sarah. Sarah and I have now been in a relationship for over 4 years and we are very happy together.
At the tender age of 21 the mentioning of my old story brought back many memories and was rather surprising, but has made me cherish my current relationship even more.
Aaaaah. A happy story! We love to hear how your life problems turned out subsequent to us contemplating them on the podcast, so do let us know. Unless we ruined your life, in which case we apologise, and also accept no legal responsibility.
Mary in New Zealand has done a callback to something I said on an AMT episode so long past, I can’t actually find out which one (possibly 81? If you’ve recently been listening to the back catalogue and can identify the relevant episode, do let me know (UPDATE: Chris has kindly pointed out that it was AMT75, so call off the search.)).
You probably know I do love handicrafts, so the most brilliant thing about Mary’s callback is that it is in the form of EMBROIDERY!
This adage was also immortalized as a cartoon by listener Luke, so it must be Very Wise Indeed. Hang onto my every word, listeners, because I am a great sage. Now go forth and make cross-stitch samplers of everything I have ever said.
Study the above picture. Summon all your outrage – you want to SMASH those goddamn glasses, don’t you? SMASH ALL OF THEM! THEY DESERVE IT!!!
Oh, er, why? Because they are a RIDDLE and an OUTRAGE spotted by Simon, in the wake of the tiny juice glasses at a breakfast buffet SCANDAL discussed in AMT297:
I was at a buffet breakfast at the Hilton Hotel in Melbourne and was pretty impressed to see large juice glasses available. I immediately thought of the recent episode where much scorn was heaped on those pissant little glasses normally found.
As you would expect I went straight for the big boys, only to find that the fucking things don’t fit under the juice decanters properly so you can only three-quarter fill them on a weird angle. This also makes it a two-handed job so you have to put your plate down.
Answer me this, is the hospitality industry deliberately fucking with us for their own amusement?
Yes, Simon, they absolutely are. There’s not that much entertainment in stripping soiled beds or dealing with whinging guests, so frankly they have to take it where they can get it.
First up: here I am on No Such Thing As A Fish, the podcast in which the QI Elves emit more facts than a bookshop throwing a full set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica out of the window (because nobody buys hard copy encyclopaedias any more, grandad). If you like the fact-barrage aspect of AMT, you’ll like this podcast even more, so listen at qi.com/podcast or right here:
Next: I’m on the new (September 25th) episode of the Media Focus podcast, discussing Scottish referendum coverage, political phone-ins, and podcasting itself. Get it from mediafocus.org.uk – and for more media news excitement, do remember to listen to Olly on the box-fresh episode of The Media Podcast that’ll be out tomorrow.
I was also on MacAulay & Co on BBC Radio Scotland to talk to the marvellous Fred MacAulay about a very important issue: patchwork! Because in the turbulent wake of the referendum, at least everyone can agree that fabric scraps are Better Together, amirite? Too soon? Too soon. Ah well. Listen here from the 41-minute mark.
Alright, enough of me twatting on; have you listened to Martin’s beautiful new album Through Intermittent Rain yet? If not, rectify that immediately by dashing off to martinaustwick.bandcamp.com – it’s available for whatever price you want to pay, so get it for £0-£∞ depending upon your budget.
For all the people who are irate after what Olly said about James Brown in AMT298, here’s my favourite James Brown track to soothe you.
What have you been listening to lately? I’m always keen to hear about different shows, so please recommend stuff in the comments!
Happy Scottish Referendum Day, everyone! To commemorate, in Answer Me This! Episode 298 we decipher what Scotland’s finest non-whisky exports the Proclaimers were going on about. Vote YES to listening:
We also contemplate:
actors’ posthumous endorsements
Jacob Frank
godparenting
James Brown’s bridge vs Robbie Williams’s bridge Henry Hoover
tubby Ryan Gosling vs Peter Jackson
tubby Jared Leto vs gout
tubby Christian Bale vs emaciated Christian Bale vs tubby Christian Bale vs emaciated Christian Bale
being shot in the shoulder vs being shot in the ball
and
‘Uptown Girl’.
Plus: Olly’s pet Roomba hates not hiding under the sofa; Helen hates disco; and Martin the Sound Man hates the ethics of the contracts for Baywatch, which is bad news for anybody hoping of a revival of that show starring Martin. Him running in slowmo down a beach, haversack full of microphones swaying seductively, will have to remain only in your imagination.
Ahem.
In today’s Bit of Crap on the App, which is available for iDevices old and new, Android or Windows playthings, we continue Cathy’s question about godparenting, and whether you’re obliged to buy a silver spoon for a baby. Because what says ‘Welcome to the world!’ as much as a spoon that tastes weird? Maybe we should start putting around the rumour that the traditional christening gift for godchildren is one of our albums or vintage episodes from answermethisstore.com. They’ll probably grow into it.
Thanks very much to Squarespace.com, for sponsoring this episode, for allowing people to build and host websites easily and beautifully, and for offering you 10% off their services for a whole year if you use the code Answer.
And joy of all joys, Martin the Sound Man has a delightful new album out, available now HERE. Make an old Sound Man happy by downloading those sounds.
We will return with AMT299 (TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY FRICKING NINE!!!!) on 2nd October, and we hope you do too.
Yours haveringly,
Helen & Olly
••• AMT298 Child-Friendly Rating: 52%. A few medium-ranking swears and an F-level swear. Discussion of dick-shaped vacuum cleaners and Barry Manilow’s penis, which latter may prove traumatic for all ages. •••
Jordan from Bridgend, South Wales is throwing down the gauntlet to Sea Monkeys:
I never had Sea Monkeys as a child but wanted you to check out what I did have as a child… TRIOPS!
They are similar to Sea Monkeys in the way you hatch and look after them, but they are amazing! When I was a kid I had this huge plastic tank which had tunnels running Off it to different rooms: there was the feeding room, the hatching room and others.
I’d recommend these to anyone who is thinking of getting the crappy Sea Monkeys.
I am also a ‘gobber’ when I have a slash and it really ‘pisses’ my wife off (see what I did there).
I don’t do it all the time, but if I use a toilet that has not been flushed or use a public loo (which 99% of the time has a lovely thick aroma of stale piss), I find that as it enters my nasal passage and passes my taste buds, my natural reaction to this ‘delight’ is to try and expel the intruding stench as much as possible. This is normally achieved by holding my breath and gobbing out what I have inhaled in to the toilet.
Does that sound reasonable, or is it a load of old shit?
It sounds reasonable, as a load of old shit (and piss) is most of the problem.
Wedding questions are still being flung at us like a barrage of confetti. George and Jackie from Indianapolis write:
We are planning a wedding and like the idea of a unity ritual. However, we think the candle lighting and sand mixing is sort of silly. Do you have any suggestions?
Er, a wedding IS a unity ritual. Do you need to have a unity ritual within a unity ritual? You do? OK, OK… I’m a bad person to ask about this, because even the standard procedures at a wedding are too ritualistic for me. But readers, go to the comments and recommend or invent something delightful for George and Jackie to do, stopping short of humping in front of the congregation.
What a thrill it is to learn that the podcast has transformed the life of Chris in Washington, DC:
Your discussion in episode 297 about spitting in the urinal has changed my life. You see, I have severe public piss syndrome. I cannot go in a public bathroom if someone has seen my face or is waiting for me to finish. I tried the technique of spitting beforehand and it worked! Thank you for that.
Answer me this: is there any act that most people have no trouble doing in public that causes *you* embarrassment and anxiety, and do you have any tricks for getting over it?
It’s pretty embarrassing talking shit all the time, but after nearly eight years of making this podcast, I’ve broken through that pain barrier.
Exciting news: Martin’s got a new album coming out on Saturday! Go here to preview three of the tracks and to buy; it’s £5 to preorder but pay what you want when it is released. Or, if you are a retronaut who prefers your music on a physical format, wait a couple more weeks and then buy one of the forthcoming limited-edition CDs with a handmade papercut sleeve (if you follow Martin on Instagram, you may have seen some sneak peeks).
There’s a new news-themed episode of the Sound Women podcast, in which Olly’s LBC colleague Petrie Hosken tells me how she felt safer nearly getting kidnapped as a war correspondent in Bosnia than as a woman working in British radio. Good times!
Apparently there’s been some Royal News this week? [Shrug] It’s an ongoing mystery at AMT that none of us give a shit about the royal family, and yet questions about them are always fruitful on the podcast. So whether you give shits or not, have a go on the Answer Me This! Jubilee album for an hour of regal hijinks.
Noises from elsewhere:
The show Strangers is always worth your time, but particularly the recent Love Hurts episodes (part 1 and part 2), in which Lea Thau transforms the question ‘Why are you single?’ from an awful thing Smug Marrieds say to a very personal and reflective investigation into why she has been reluctantly single for the past four years. At least, judging by the exes who appear on the show, she’s dated some Good Sports during that time…
From Strangers to friends: I really enjoyed this Woman’s Hour/Men’s Hour collaboration all about friendship. Of course, they cover the When Harry Met Sally adage that men and women can’t be friends, which Olly and I have been disproving throughout our fourteen-year friendship. If you need additional on-air partnerships as evidence, I direct you to the programme’s guest Geoff Lloyd, whose brilliant Hometime Show on Absolute Radio with Annabel Port crackles with sexless tension.
And finally: I was thrilled to hear two AMTpals and primo podcasters team up, when Little Atoms‘ Neil Denny went on Dave Pickering‘s Getting Better Acquainted. They talk about reading books, prayer, and masturbation – all the solitary entertainments, really.
I’m always listening out for shows to try; please recommend some in the comments.
PS In case you missed it: my Bugling brother Andy and I were interviewed by the Guardian about why the Zaltzman family communicates in jokes rather than human emotions. Click here to read it.
Answer Me This! Podcast 