In this special commemorative plate of podcasts, Answer Me This! Episode 158, we join in with the national celebrations of the romance of our age. For finally, after years of waiting, years of frustration, years of public speculation…Pudsey Bear is finally getting his end away.
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
We also mention:
Wills’n’Kate (o jubilate deo!)
Marilyn Monroe
humanure
the US Weather Bureau
Dolce’n’Gabbana
Audrey Horne
augmented reality vs. unaugmented reality
Jean Paul Gaultier vs. dog saliva
Dexter’s bloody cologne
pox patches
the true meaning of eau de toilette
the Queen’s blingy carriage
and
the unsung beauty that is Robert De Niro.
Plus: Olly surmises that the West Country is boozed up to the eyeballs 24/7; Helen gives tips for turning your unsightly syphilitic blemishes into a join-the-dots game on your face; and Martin the Sound Man manages to compare the Gospels to Rashomon and the other religious texts of the world to something far worse. This week’s Bit of Crap on the App is a question from Curtis from Guildford about what we’d call a games console if we were to invent one. Luckily that day is far, far off.
We also have a bit of a disagreement about which of the Queen’s speeches is actually the Queen’s Speech; help us settle it once and for all:
You can send us QUESTIONS for future shows by leaving a voicemail on the Question Line 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis, or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. And if you’re a student, unemployed, or have an unusually generous lunch hour, please pop down to Rough Trade East at noon on Friday 26th, which is where and when we’ll be doing a reading from our book and signing copies. We are also available for signing wedding certificates, will forms, decrees nisi, blank cheques…
Rory from Stourbridge but in London writes to us on prison notepaper:
On the 10th November there was a demonstration in London about university funding. I got carried away in the moment and ended up wreaking havoc at the Millbank building.
I have calmed down a bit now and have begun to think that this might be quite a defining moment of my youth.
So gang, answer me this, what were the defining and important moments of your youth or life so far?
I wrought a disappointingly small amount of havoc in my youth, so am turning this one out to you, readers. Go to the comments and recount your youthful havoc there. And don’t forget to wipe your feet on the way in.
Believe it or not, many of you have been asking where you can buy defacedsigned copies of our new book. Bless you, dears, with your inexplicable desires!
Well, now said desires can be vanquished by our favourite local bookshop, Bookseller Crow in Crystal Palace; where you can now buy copies signed by all three of us for £9.99 including free UK P&P.
You can buy copies via this page on their website, or call them on 020 8771 8831, or just walk into their shop (as long as you don’t walk out again without paying).
You can still buy unsigned copies from everywhere else, of course, and graffiti-tag them yourself.
If you think joining your family for Thanksgiving this week is going to be awkward, you’ve got nothing on Michelle from Tennessee, who writes:
So if my dad divorces my mom to marry her twin sister, am I obligated to to eat dinner with them at a restaurant when his dying brother comes in from another state? I want to visit with my uncle, but think the situation is a load of crap and typically don’t attend events with the newlyweds.
I can see why you might have a teeny tiny problem with your dad marrying your aunt, but I suggest that if you can’t arrange a separate date to see your ailing uncle, you should overcome your distaste for the happy-but-wrong couple just this once and join the dinner. You have limited opportunities to see your uncle, but plenty more opportunities to snub your father and your stepmother-aunt.
Michelle’s supplementary question is, fortunately, a bit less like a Greek tragedy:
How many employees have to work in an office for it to exceed the office birthday party limit? We are up to 30 employees and it seems like every week we have to clandestinely contribute money for cake and sign a card. We get it; we all have birthdays. If I donate $2 per cake, I’ve spent more than just buying my own birthday cake and eating the whole thing myself.
Here’s a plan: every worker chips in to a cake fund from which, once a month, your office buys a communal cake. Anyone whose birthday it is during that month gets an extra-large slice, and maybe a round of applause. Sorted! (By the woman who works alone and therefore takes the cue for her office birthday celebrations from Tom Hanks in Castaway.)
In last week’s episode we asked you to bemoan the goods your parents gave you, and duly you did bemoan:
Megan in North Walsham: My brother and I seem to have inherited opposite traits from our parents. My brother has inherited my Mum’s maths brain (she can barely count) and my Dad’s slim lovely ankles, whereas I have inherited my Dad’s better than average maths brain, and my mum’s horrible fat ankles. Just thought you’d like to know.
Lucy from Edinburgh: I wish I hadn’t inherited my Dad’s hatred of people or his singing voice.
Cara from Orkney: From my parents I inherited: left handedness, AB negative blood, osteoporosis (something to look forward to!), idiopathic scoliosis – although they reckon that it’s genetic – absolutely no arm muscles whatsoever, the ability to be good at most things but not quite good enough to be great, very small teeth, long, slim legs and crippling shyness.
Amber from Kansas: I inherited my father’s good looks. As you can see by my name, I’m a woman. I’m not saying I’m manly-looking. The giant rack I inherited from my mother helps.* Also my Dad is a baby-face and the roundness fits on a woman just as much as on a man. However, there are certain haircuts that I avoid like the plague, as I’ve had more than one relative mistake a picture of me with shorter hair for that of my father! One aunt in particular cheerfully asked where my grandmother found “all these old pictures of Oggie (my dad’s nickname).” It was a stack of pictures of me at various ages.
I would have preferred my Dad’s inability to procrastinate. Instead, I look like him as a boy. Excellent.
*Another bit of genes I wish hadn’t manifested themselves. Back pain and trying to shop for shirts that don’t a) make me look like a skank or b) make me look 30 lbs overweight are things I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Elly from Somerset: What I got: mum’s shortness (I am the shortest in my family for generations, and my brother is 6’4″) and my dad’s under-eye circles and keratosis pilaris. Not fetching aesthetically. I really would’ve preferred my mum’s tits and ability to do well in exams with no revision, combined with my dad’s ability to tan.
In honour of the Answer Me This! book being officially (well, close) declared ‘one of the greatest pieces of toilet literature of all time‘, we’ve got an accidental toilet-reading theme running through Answer Me This! Episode 157. What does Jack Bauer read on the bog? Is Timmy Mallett’s How to be Utterly Brilliant or Kenny Everett’s Ultimate Loo Book the biggest star in the loobrary firmament? Why does Martin the Sound Man dream sweet dreams of lavatories? Find out all:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
This week, we amuse ourselves with:
the Mann Booker prize
Nightmare on Hygiene Street The Piano: The Musical
Gibson vs. Fender T3 vs. 3T
tarts vs. tarts
salesmanship vs. psoriasis
The Guardian Bedside Reader
martini-making machines
Autoglym
David McAlmont and Michael Nyman
the Nissan of the guitar world
the Captain Corelli’s Mandolin-branded backgammon set
hairy oil spills
No More Nails
bezoar
nut hamper
the Alcor Life Extension Foundation
parallel parking
and
the Strawberry Strumpet.
Plus: Olly has some dodgy plans for death row prisoners; Helen revolutionises bridal traditions with the help of Stilton; and Martin the Sound Man sold off his glorious ponytail for far less than its current market value. This week’s bonus bit on the app is a question from Jack, the 21-year-old undertaker in Uckfield, who feels uncomfortable with atheism in front of mourners and wanking in front of his cat. What a shy soul!
Now, if you’ve got time this evening (that is, Thursday 18th November), please do pop along to see us read bits from our book at Waterstone’s Gower Street. We kick off at 6pm sharp, but if you can’t make that, how about a rerun at noon on 26th November at Rough Trade East, huh? Come and have a little pre-lunch fun with us. There are some excellent bagel-shops a mere gherkin’s throw away.
Sam from Bournemouth has managed to email us a question at the same time as doing a big belm:
The other day a friend and mine were chatting, when I made a comment about dodos for whatever reason. She replied “Oh yeah, I love dodos, I saw one when I was 10.”
Yeah…she actually thought she saw a dodo when she was 10. Probing her to see if she had any other hilarious comments, she revealed that she thought the Swiss came from Wales because she once bought a Swiss roll there.
So, answer me this; have you ever been in a situation where someone says something so mind-numbingly retarded, that can’t even think of a way to reply?
I must admit, I was a touch dumbfounded when Olly said he didn’t know where the Pacific Ocean is. Bear in mind he had spent a recent holiday driving up the Pacific Coast Highway.
Everyone else: betray the brainfarts of your dear friends in the comments.
Calling all psychologists! Can you advise Dave in Bolton? He says:
I’m getting worried about my son Matt.
When eating, he insists on going through his meal in alphabetical order – Fish, Chips and Peas will be eaten as (C)hips, (F)ish and finally (P)eas. Curries and Risottos are divided into their sub component parts before consumption.
Is this normal teenage behaviour or the first signs of OCD?
You can test for OCD by pureeing all his meals to the extent that the various elements are indivisible. Teenage boys tend to be perennially hungry, so he’ll probably glug it down without a fuss; however if he sends it off to a lab to be chromatographically separated into its original constituents and then to the library for realphabeticising, he has a bit of a problem.
From your email, we can’t say for sure that Matt has OCD; It sounds like he might just be taking the fun of Alphabetti* and translating it to his other meals.
*But would that be filed under A for Alphabetti, or P for pasta? Blimey, this OCD business is hard.
I imagine quite a few of you have the same problem as Emily from Essex in the current Dark Economic Times. She writes:
I am currently one of the bazillions of university graduates who are unemployed at the moment. To make matters worse for myself, I stupidly decided to do a subject I enjoyed…English, renowned for its inability to get you a job. I’ve been trying to get into publishing but, seeing as the British Heart Foundation’s electrical shop recently rejected me, I don’t hold out much hope.
Because of my lack of money and the fact that I had to move back in with my parents after university, my social life has also taken a battering. I’m very bored and fed up and I can’t even ask for sympathy because it’s happening to lots of other people too.
So answer me this: What can I do to stop myself going mental and flipping out? I’ve already contemplated getting an addiction just for something to do. I had around twelve cups of tea yesterday. It’s a slippery slope.
Emily could take a tip from HM Prisons Service, who try to stop their inmates flipping out by making them do useful tasks such as the laundry, the cooking, the mailbag-stitching etc. You could become the foremost mailbag-stitcher of your generation, which would give you something of an income on Etsy.
Anyone else who has a decent plan for Emily instead of twiddling her thumbs until they drop off, tell us it in the comments.
Thanks to everyone who has already bought our book and/or reviewed it on Amazon. And thanks to all of you in advance for listening to Answer Me This! Episode 156:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Amongst many other things, we consider:
the Augean stables
Green Shield Stamps
Miami Fried Chicken Gavin Bryars
home economics vs. cookery class
cowardice vs. gullibility
Sperm Wars
Littlewoods Index
Cerberus
The Shadows
peppermint creams
Gauls
Take your Child To Work Day
Jerry Yang and David Filo
scaredy chickens Hercules played by Mel Gibson
Richard Tompkins
Jules Leotard
Sarah Harding
and
heaven on Earth in Canada.
If that’s not enough, this week’s nugget of bonus content on the app, we marvel at the young Olly Mann’s love of theatrical PR. A wickle Cameron Mackintosh, how cuuuute! His parents must have been so proudconfused.
You know what would make us happy? YOUR QUESTIONS! Deliver them to us via the Question Line (0208 123 5877), Skype (our handle is answermethis), or email (answermethispodcast@googlemail.com). You know what else would make us happy? If you can pop along to one of our forthcoming book events, the first of which is 6pm Thursday 18th November at Waterstone’s Gower Street. You know what else would make us happy? A nice cup of tea. We’ll sort that out, while you work on the other two happiness-makers.
I just finished listening to episode 155 and have a story in response to Olly’s ‘Paedophile coach’ story.
In our School, we were on our way to our City Hall on a Coach. The Coach in question was stuck in traffic, and we found a sheet of paper. And an idea formed in our hormone-driven minds….
We decided to write ‘Hostage Situation’ on the paper, and tape it to the back window of the coach. To add effect, we made one unfortunate student place his bag over his head, making him look like a captive, making him face the drivers behind us, who in all seriousness looked a little bit shocked.
Just thought I’d share this with you, only because to us, it was fucking hilarious.
Thanks for sharing, James. Although we’re not sure a schoolbag over the head gives a suitably convincing ‘Abu Ghraib’ effect.
Cate in Glasgow has worked herself up into a bit of a tizzy:
I have just been asked on a date by a very nice boy, who is lovely, but not attractive. I have accepted because he was really nervous and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But if he asks me to be his permanent girlfriend, how can I tell him ‘no’, without hurting him, and still stay friends with him? Also, what if the date is really really awkward? What should I do? Also what were your first dates like?
So many questions! Firstly: it might be better to wriggle out of the date beforehand, as you going on it might raise his expectations unfairly and make your subsequent romantic rejection all the more painful.
Secondly, if you don’t want to be asked to be his permanent girlfriend, try to behave like a complete arsehole on the date and then he won’t want to ask. He won’t want to stay friends either, but such is the pickle you’ve got yourself into.
Thirdly: since you don’t want to go on it, of course the date will be really really awkward. So don’t go on it. See my above point.
Fourthly: mine involved a trip to the cinema with a boy called John to see Naked Gun 2 1/2. Readers, tell us in the comments what yours were like!
‘, we’ve got an accidental toilet-reading theme running through Answer Me This! Episode 157. What does Jack Bauer read on the bog? Is Timmy Mallett’s How to be Utterly Brilliant or Kenny Everett’s Ultimate Loo Book the biggest star in the loobrary firmament? Why does Martin the Sound Man dream sweet dreams of lavatories? Find out all:
Answer Me This! Podcast 