March 29, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 172 **
Following in the wake of the celeb craze for spring 2011, Elaine from Cork has some happy news:
My significant other and I found that we are expecting a new arrival in November.
It is a surprise for both of us really… we have told our immediate family but not our friends yet!
My question is: do you have any interesting ways for us to break the news to our friends and work colleagues after I have my first scan?
I was think via facebook for friends— but that just seems boring!
Any crazy ideas like sky writing etc… greatly appreciated?
Bravo Elaine and Mr Elaine! It would be pretty easy just to direct your friends to this post, but, I’ll grant you, perhaps insufficiently festive. You could stuff a cushion up your jumper for your next social occasion, and pretend you are practising for six months hence. You could leave a bun in each of their ovens, with a little note explaining this bizarre act (people are quite lenient towards odd behaviour in pregnant people, don’t they?); you could send them one of those creepy photos amalgamating your face with your partner’s and sticking it onto a baby’s body, with the caption, “Brace yourself!”; you could show them all how you’ve turned your erstwhile drugs den into a nursery. However, none of these ruses are satisfactory given the significance of the news, so I put it to you readers who unlike me have produced offspring. Go to the comments, and with your mental fecundity give birth to a glorious scheme via which Elaine can intimate to her friends and colleagues that in a few months’ time they will have to get used to her being tired, distracted and covered in regurgitated milk.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »
March 29, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 172 **
Having read listener Laura‘s email, I have been led to believe there’s a leaking gas main beneath her new garden:
My boyfriend and I recently moved into a new flat in Crouch End. On our first day sitting out in our new garden we were absolutely, COMPLETELY convinced we saw a hummingbird hovering and sipping from a flower only metres away. It was very tiny, probably only two inches high and about an inch wide.
Friends have asked us whether it could have been another bird, or a hummingbird moth, but it was absolutely definitely neither of these, and was hovering in the air as hummingbirds do, not flying like a normal bird or a moth. However it was a dull brown colour, not bright and colourful.
HOWEVER after much internet consultation it seems hummingbirds simply don’t exist in Britain – so Helen and Olly answer me this – what was it that we saw and are we just deluded in persisting in our romantic belief that it was a hummingbird in our new garden?
Of course dear, it was a hummingbird, and then the unicorn next door banged on the fence and told you to stop making so much bloody noise.
However, as I once saw a crayfish on our driveway in Tunbridge Wells, who am I to say it definitely was not this exotic bird? Or a big dowdy bumblebee? If any of you readers are ornithologists, or psychotherapists, go to the comments and clear up the mystery surrounding Laura’s vision.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »
March 24, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
Hello Team AMT,
The Secret Diary of Billie Piper concluded this week, so I guess it’s up to us to bring the sexy henceforth. So, bloated from too much Chinese takeaway, we belchingly waddle forth to present you with Answer Me This! Episode 172. Ring-a-ding-ding! Phwoar! Boinnnnngggg! Etc.
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Just like Billie’s character, we love variety; but instead of keeping ourselves amused with multiple hairstyles and myriad sexual partners, we merely talk a lot. About such diverse things as:
hiding the afikomen
the Giant Koala
Leonardo DiCaprio
offensive T-shirts
bad taste vs. good taste
After Eights vs. Ferrero Rocher
The Moldy Peaches
vs. The Secret History
vs. What Women Want
Ginger Spice vs. Scary Spice
moths vs. moobs
Stonehenge vs. the Easter Island moai
Digbeth Coach Station
Camden Market
the new Starbucks logo
Time Team alternative endings
Maria Teresa de Filippis
Slash in the Attic
and
the Jonathan Dimbleby octopus.
Plus: Olly’s habitual goodwill to all mankind finally shatters, all because of those godforsaken people with strong bladders; Helen reveals another fashion misfire from her youth (let’s face it, her youth was fashion misfire: 1000000, fashion fire: nil); and Martin the Sound Man gives Kylie Minogue the nod should she ever find herself in a dry spell. What an altruist that man is. This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for the iPhone or Android, appfans) is an insight into what Olly’s wearing. It’s pink! It involves trompe l’oeil! No, he’s not wearing Buffalo Bill’s skin-suit from The Silence of the Lambs…
We warn you that next week’s podcast will be a few hours late, because Olly’s going for a spa mini-break. But he’ll be thinking about your QUESTIONS the whole time he’s steaming his mannparts, so do ask them via voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or find answermethis on Skype) or email answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Then after you’ve done that, anoint yourself in unguents, wrap yourself in a bathrobe which has been worn by hundreds of people before you, lie back and relax.
See you next week!
Helen & Olly
Tags: After Eights, after-dinner mints, ancient monuments, archaeology, auctions, australia, beer, Belgium, beverages, booze, branding, Britney Spears, bus, Camden, cars, celebrities, celebrity portraits, chauvinism, chocolates, coach, confectionery, crap art, Cyprus, David Bowie, dinner parties, drinks, Easter Island, eBay, embarrassment, euphemisms, evil spirits, expressions, fairground rides, fairgrounds, fashion, Formula 1, Friends, friendship, furniture, gay culture, gay icons, Geri Halliwell, homosexuality, hygiene, inappropriate, innuendo, Japan, Jon Bon Jovi, Jonah, Judaism, junk, Kylie, Kylie Minogue, landlords, landmarks, logos, maritime, matzo, Mel B, milk, mints, myth, mythical beasts, naval, Pacific, Passover, pastimes, pirates, pop, portraiture, racing, rental properties, rides, rubbish, sailors, Samurai swords, Sarah Palin, sartoria, sea, sea-devil, sell-by dates, sex, sexism, shame, ships, sights, skip-diving, skips, slang, sophistication, Spice Girls, sport, Starbucks, Stonehenge, sword, Sylvester Stallone, t-shirts, tastelessness, teenagers, tests of friendship, things that seemed a good idea at the time, tourism, tourist attractions, travel, unwanted company, waste, weapons, women
Posted in PODCASTS | 2 Comments »
March 24, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 171 **
It’s a question from the birthday girl, Sarah:
It’s my birthday on Tuesday March 29th (I will be 28). My friend Sarah and I have both booked the day off work and we are planning to go on a day trip somewhere. My question is this: What can we do for a fun day out for around £30 per person in London? We are both physically fit and not afraid to try new things. Your suggestions would be most welcome.
Londoners! You have two ladies, £60 and one day; add them up, then go to the comments right away and tell the Sarahs how to have the best damn day of their lives.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
March 23, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 171 **
Wedding bells ring for Annie from London. Or do they? She writes:
My partner Seb and are shortly going to be getting hitched.
We’re not keen on a traditional English ceremony as neither of us are religious, so we’d like to do something a bit different. At first we thought we might do a drive-thru wedding in Vegas but we’re not sure our respective parents would approve!
So if you can answer me this it would be a huge help to us: what is the coolest way to get married?
That raises another question: is marriage cool at all? Vegas is definitely NOT cool, because it is, well, vile. And the ubiquity of Vegas weddings is the enemy of cool; plus, in our experience, drive-through establishments tend not to be compatible with institutions aspiring to permanence.
Over here we’ve got wedding preparations of our own to worry about, so readers, do us a favour by going to the comments and planning Annie’s wedding for her. If you do a good job, there might be a lucrative career in it for you.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 12 Comments »
March 22, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 171 **
Here’s a question from Adam in London, who does not want to be mistaken for all you other Adams from London. He says:
In episode 170 you talked about the other Martin Austwick that came up on Helen’s Twitter suggest list. This got me thinking about my name and other people with it.
My name is Adam Clifford. Unfortunately I share my name with a goofy looking American gay porn star. If you go to adamclifford.com (DON’T!) there he is in all his… Erm… Splendid glory. He also ‘proudly’ comes up on Google image searches for my name.
So, answer me this!
1) Is there anything I can do to get my name back for me from him or Google? If it was a Hollywood star then I wouldn’t mind, but a PORN STAR?! Obviously I’m worried about a potential employer googling me and being faced with this monstrosity, not giving me the job of my dreams or reporting me to the police. What can I do?
2) Why, as a porn star, would you use your own name? I’m assuming it’s his real name, I can’t imagine anyone choosing a name as bland as mine for sexy things. Couldn’t he just choose another name?
In answer to your first question, Adam, you clearly need to do something that will get you even more Google-juice than a porn star. This may take a while, though, and depending upon your chosen method, might be even more damaging to your employment prospects.
Secondly, many male porn actors do seem to go by normal names. Perhaps, like them, Adam Clifford feels no shame about his profession; perhaps, like them, Adam Clifford does not, like the rest of us, relish the opportunity to take a name containing the word ‘Donkey’ or ending in ‘xxxx’; perhaps, like them, Adam Clifford couldn’t ‘just choose another name’ because he has absolutely no imagination. He is a non-stop boffing-machine and nothing else.
Therefore I suggest to you, Adam Clifford (the SFW Adam Clifford), that instead YOU change your name. You say yourself that it is bland; well, release yourself from the too-many-Adam-Cliffords problem by going for something a little jazzier, ideally which will also impress potential employers at the same time. Captain Briefcase might work.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Tags: prawn
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine, extracurricular questions | 3 Comments »
March 22, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 171 **
Here’s an email from someone who, understandably, wishes to remain anonymous. So we will know him only as Sexy Windmaster:
I have this friend, who shall remain nameless, and whilst trying out a few movements garnered from my Kama Sutra app, I happened to experience an auditory discharge* at the very moment of entry.
I tried to ignore it, but she fell about in laughter and said I had ruined the moment and she might never be able to have sex with me again. I was left tumescent and embarrassed in Somerset.
My question is, what is the correct etiquette for dealing with accidental discharges, whether auditory or otherwise, in the height of passion? If a raspberry or fanny fart is perfectly acceptable, why should a normal fart raise such strong objections?
My own thoughts are that it’s a very messy business and, a bit like living on a farm, it’s all part of a rich tapestry, farts and all.
Readers, I don’t know your thoughts on such matters – personally, my years of service in Sevenoaks School’s Needlework Club means that farting and tapestry NEVER go together – but Sexy Windymaster needs to know them, in order to avoid being blue-balled by his own bowels again. Proceed to the comments, and apprise him upon the most debonair way to excuse a trump without spoiling the sexytime. A noise can be laughed off, but a stench is more difficult to excuse in the moment, so you’re going to have to work hard on this problem.
* I assume he means an audible discharge, rather than his ears produced a parp.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 3 Comments »
March 22, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 171 **
Today’s correspondent, David from Paisley, is a postman who listens to Answer Me This! on his rounds. That’s not relevant to his question; it is just the sort of detail which intrigues us. His question, meanwhile, is the sort which intrigues the world throughout all of time?
Little thing that I have recently been discussing with my girlfriend: what is the difference between being in love and loving someone? I don’t think there is a difference, but she says there is a massive difference! I am confused!
This is a serious matter (especially if they’re arguing about the difference because David’s girlfriend is telling him that she loves him but is not IN love with him and will he please stop calling and stop sending flowers and stop standing outside her bedroom window with a boombox). Therefore, commentariat, mobilise yourselves to instruct David of the difference; or, conversely, to instruct the girlfriend of the non-difference.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 6 Comments »
March 17, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
Dear Team AMT,
We hope you are all safe and sound wherever you are in the world, and that this year’s trend for End of Days-style disasters has left you unscathed. We can’t stave off the apocalypse, but we can offer you 29 minutes of distraction while you wait, in the form of Answer Me This! Episode 171:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
On today’s conversational dance-card are topics including:
Brian Wilson
broken teapots
Kafka
5ive vs. Jesus Lizard
Dorothy Wordsworth vs. Macaulay Culkin
William Wordsworth vs. Jade Goody
stupid shoe-shaped planters
fairy codmothers
Kate Middleton’s genetically modified footmen
Harold Wilson’s lying wife
Pandaemonium
Fifteen to One
Christ’s comeback tour
and
flesh-trampolining.
Plus: Olly suggests that Cinderella be a bit more nonconformist in her eveningwear style if she wants to make a splash in society; Helen’s green brogues make her an outcast in the Apple Store; and Martin the Sound Man’s dainty guts could bring in the win if any of us decided to go on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. Major Charles Ingram, eat your heartfart out!
Today’s Bit of Crap on the App is a discussion upon whether sentimental idiots like Olly should cook peas for their cats, or whether said beasts should learn to tough it out. You can get that app for iPhone or Android for mere pence; but remember, it costs nothing to send us your QUESTIONS, so squander a load of no-money by leaving voicemails on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or findanswermethis on Skype) or emailing answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. We may not be rich, but a wealth of questions is all the wealth we need. (Well, it isn’t, but that’s hardly your problem, is it? And as soon as we get our Playdate with the Stars agency off the ground, we’ll be rolling in the good stuff.)
See you next week!
Helen & Olly
Tags: apocalypse, bands, Blankety Blank, body, bottoms, Buddha, Bullseye, bums, Chess, Cinderella, closing down sales, crockery, Crystal Maze, DFS, Dorothy Wordsworth, Duke of Edinburgh, euphemisms, ex-military, fairy godmothers, fairy tales, fiction, footwear, frogs, Fun House, furniture, game shows, garden centres, gardening, genitalia, godparents, gynaecologists, gynaecology, hierarchy, horticulture, Houses of Parliament, HP Sauce, incest, Jade Goody, John Hannah, kings, kitchenware, Linus Roache, literature, Lizzie Roper, Macaulay Culkin, medical, mice, Michael Jackson, military, military operations, monarchy, music, names, ornaments, overstepping boundaries, physique, plants, poetry, politicians, pop, Prince Philip, princes, prizes, professionalism, quizzes, recession, retail, reunions, romantic poets, royalty, sales, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, sex, shoes, shops, siblings, Steps, stores, tea, teapots, Telford, telly, the Queen, TV, vagina, weddings, West Midlands, William Wordsworth, Wills'n'Kate
Posted in PODCASTS | 6 Comments »
March 16, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 170 **
Jon in Sussex:
Just listened to 170 when you ask if anyone had named a military operation. Well I haven’t, but when I was 22 I did get to name four housing estates in London. I got packed off to the local library for a day or two to find anything of interest in the local history and then drew up a shortlist and made my recommendation.
Unfortunately, some of the more obscure names were rejected, such as Ethlered, Immin and Peada – that last one would have been a bit of a disaster!
So, answer me this: if you could rename the town where you were born, what would you go for and why?
I wonder whether Tunbridge Wells would continue to be such a stuffed shirt if it was renamed Zaltzman-on-Sea (yes, I know it’s miles from the sea, but it’s nice to give people hope (Hope that one day, rising sea levels will take care of the place.)).
Kids, it’s time for you to mosey to the comments to play Fantasy Council Expensive Rebranding Exercise. The best one gets to spearhead a letter campaign to the Governer of St Petersburg to see if they’d be up for another name change, seeing as it’s been 20 years since the last one.
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 4 Comments »
March 16, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 170 **
Here’s an email from listener Brand. That’s right, Brand:
My name is “Brand”. That’s not short for “Brandon” or anything. It’s just “Brand”. I’ve never run into anyone else with this name, and I’m just wondering if my parents were so unbelievably creative that nobody else ever thought to name their child the same thing.
Am I the only one?
Everybody out there, answer Brand this: is Brand the only one?
Subscribe with iTunes • Book • Question Archive • Episodes • Merch
• iPhone App • Android App • Facebook • Twitter • YouTube • FAQ
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »
March 16, 2011 by Helen Zaltzman
** Click here for Episode 170 **
Well obviously we’re not giving away a car. But it looks like you people are more than capable of winning them elsewhere. Several of you have sent in stories, from which we can deduce the following common themes: 1. you nearly threw away the winning ticket; 2. you didn’t believe it anyway; 3. you couldn’t afford to keep the free car anyway.
Here are a couple of your tales of free cars. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Answer Us Back! Your time to opine | Leave a Comment »
Answer Me This! Podcast 