Last week our special guest Jon Ronson couldn’t hide his revulsion at the idea of having to perform a solo trumpet recital at school, although he did also acknowledge that our anonymous trumpet whiz was obligated to go ahead with it. Aidan from Bedford has the following advice for the girl to minimise the pain that he believes will be suffered by all concerned:
She could say to her head of year that she will do it, but the piece of music should be something fun like the James Bond theme tune or the Wallace and Gromit theme.
Hmm, I’m not convinced – that could be even more mortifying, no? Anyway, Luca presents the counter-argument:
I think she should do it, without any shame!
I passed grade 8 piano when I was fourteen and my headmaster also thought this was mind-blowing so he asked me to play this piece for the whole school.
I too thought my life would be over; then afterwards, a lot of boys (it was an all-boys school) came up to me and congratulated me and admitted that they were sort of impressed, even the “rough” ones.
So I don’t think she should just assume that everyone will hate it! Surely there are people who will enjoy it, and it’s a fun experience.
Look! Photographic evidence that journalist, writer, broadcaster and jolly nice chap Jon Ronson performed his special guestular duties! More importantly, here’s the audio evidence, namely Answer Me This! Episode 190:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Things we learn from Jon:
i) that to be cast on reality telly, you only need to wave your Prozac prescription in front of the producers’ eyes;
ii) how he could have been Captain Birdseye – no, really!
iii) how the 21st-century KKK are getting rusty;
iv) how you have to speak up when you’re on Conan. We’ll remember that, as it’s bound to come in handy soon in our lives.
We also talk of:
psychopathy (unsurprisingly)
conspiracy theories (ditto) Pleasurewood Hills
Disney character breakfast
Mr Blobby vs. Woody Bear
Noel Edmonds’s Winnebago vs. Les Dennis’s Winnebago
James Middleton’s arse vs. Pippa Middleton’s arse George Galloway’s milky mortification
David Icke
the name ‘Beryl’
traffic cops
the Little Mermaid’s mobility issues
and
pigtails.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App (available on iPhone, iPad and Android) is Jon venting his wrath at his archenemy Yo! Sushi. If that whets your appetite for more Jon Ronson, do read his latest book The Psychopath Test, visit jonronson.com, follow @jonronson on Twitter, and buy the Guardian on Saturdays just in case he’s in it that week.
Next week’s episode is the last till October 13th, so get your QUESTIONS in: send voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) and emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Harness your very finest question-composing abilities, so together we may endeavour to send off this series in style.
Here’s a bit of a racy mess, brought to us by Erik from Bournemouth:
My friend, let’s call her Bea, recently engaged in a threeway with a couple, let’s call them Joseph and Mary, with whom she’s been friendly with for quite some time, first Mary then, inevitably, Joseph.
Their relationship is somewhat on the rocks and they felt a threesome may perk it up. Bea, not having been laid in a significant amount of time and quite fancying Joseph, was right up for it and, as it was somewhat Mary’s idea, the three of them spent a sweaty night of x-rated passion together.
They parted ways that morning quite amicably, but now Bea is beginning to form feelings for Joseph, who has become quite flirty with Bea; Mary has gone right off of him and says she can’t kiss him anymore. All signs point to an end to to their relationship.
Bea wants to go out with Joseph but doesn’t want to lose Mary as a friend. So, answer me this: how the hell does Bea start dating Joseph, keep her friendship with Mary and live with herself after this knowing she stole her friend’s boyfriend?
This is that plot in Gossip Girl, isn’t it? Where Dan Humphrey not only manages to get near a girl, but sexes his girlfriend Hilary Duff AND his bff Awful Vanessa AT THE SAME TIME? In the aftermath, Duff reads all the miniature signs on Dan’s teeny-tiny face and realises he’s harbouring extra-friendly Feelings for Awful Vanessa. So she solves the problem by ending her six-episode guest arc the relationship and kindly flouncing off back to ‘Hollywood’, to leave Dan to pursue the monumentally aggravating and horrifically dressed character of his dreams. Series 3, episode 9 if you want to revise.
Yes, I watch too much shit telly. Shut up and leave me alone.
Anyway, we can’t expect Mary to exercise the altruism of Hilary Duff. Furthermore, Bea can’t reasonably expect to have everything that she wants, Mary AND Joseph AND a clear conscience, so she may have to choose between being blue-balled but remaining Mary’s friend, or suffering moral twinges as she enjoys Joseph one-on-one.
However, it would be better for all concerned if Bea keeps her pants on till Mary and Joseph have actually split up, because appropriating a friend’s ex is a lesser charge than stealing their boyfriend, although not without its repercussions depending upon Mary’s disposition. Bea should also be wary that, if and when Joseph becomes a single man, he may not actually be interested in her; being ‘quite flirty’ whilst in the boundaries of a relationship is by no means a promise of true affection and/or sexytime once out of it.
But, you know, maybe I’m being too cautious. Perhaps Bea and Joseph will forge a fine romance, Mary will bestow her blessing, and the happy couple will have a simply adorable “How we got together” story to tell the grandkids.
Congratulations in advance to John from Leeds and his wife, who must be readying the overnight bag and practicing the breathing techniques:
My wife and I are shortly due to welcome into the world our first child, expected September 23rd. Last week we went to our first ante-natal class (or ‘Parentcraft’ as it has now been rebranded) to find out all about how to tell you’re in labour, what to do when you’re in labour and, most important in my wife’s eyes, what drugs you can have to ease the passing of the (hopefully) lovable little tyke.
The nurse was very keen on distraction techniques whereby you forget all about the pain by the simple process of having a bath, listening to some music (or an Answer Me This podcast) or having a game of Scrabble, whatever works for you.
I realise that as none of you have given birth you may not be the best qualified people to ask but qnswer me this: what distraction techniques would you recommend for forgetting the stress and worries of childbirth?
How about grabbing the forceps and the umbilical scissors and putting on an impromptu puppet show between her knees? Leading a singsong of some of the more rousing hymns? Or propping up a target at the end of your wife’s bed of pain, to give her something to aim for during the final shunt? If she hits the bullseye, she wins a prize! Of an episiotomy.
Our inexperience in childbirth is hereby made all too obvious, but readers, many of you will have reproduced, so kindly share your distraction techniques in the comments.
Incidentally, my sister-in-law DID play Scrabble during her first labour, but it wasn’t as effective as the three doses of epidural drugs.
Here’s an antidote to existential bleakness from Linda:
A bunch of us yarn-bombed the Saffron Walden Turf Maze on Saturday.
Helen, you’re a crafter, answer me this – how can I explain it to my husband who still doesn’t see the point of it?
Point? Why must there be a point?? I don’t think yarn-bombing needs to have any more urgent or noble intention than making something look a bit more pretty/colourful/comical.
If you insist upon getting a bit more thinky about it, you could say that it compels you to reexamine the yarn-bombed object and its context with fresh eyes; or that it has a similar function to graffiti, but in a cheery and harmless way because, unlike graffiti, it’s easily removable, and it looks like your granny did it.
But it’s thoroughly objectionable to muse so pretentiously about jolly old yarn-bombing, or indeed any crafts; let’s just enjoy the fact that people go to quite considerable effort (click here to see more pictures of Linda’s yarny adventure, which must have involved a LOT of knitting hours) for the sake of harmless fun. And if you want to argue against harmless fun as an objective, I will squeeze my hands over my ears and chant ‘Lalalalaa’ until you shut up and go away.
We’d just booked our research tour of southern Africa to delve further into last week’s zebra-riding question, but now have to seek a refund as Charlene has done our work for us:
I’ve recently moved back from Kenya (I lived there for three years) and went on many safaris.
I asked ‘Why can’t we ride zebras?’ in Nakuru park.
Apparently we can’t because they don’t have strong rib cages and they would break and the zebra would die.
And there go our dreams of becoming zebra dressage champions.
It’s pretty unusual for us podcasters to venture out of our comfortable armchairs, let alone venture into the great not-indoors. Last weekend, however, we donned our cagoules, stocked up on wet-wipes, and took in a lungful of folk-laced fresh air at the Green Man festival – where we had such a smashing time, we decided to record Answer Me This! Episode 189 right there:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Plus: Olly fears the revenge of Kris Marshall; Helen discovers a sport she IS interested in: topless frisbee; and Martin the Sound Man sees a future where Batman and Catwoman give birth to Dustin Hoffman.
As you’ll hear, we were joined this week by some unexpected guests in the shape of wasps. (They weren’t just shaped like wasps; they were wasps.) Next week, we should be joined by a much less stingy and stripy special guest in the shape of Jon Ronson. (He’s not just shaped like Jon Ronson, he is Jon Ronson.) So concoct some QUESTIONS for the fan of psychopaths, goat-starers and Robbie Williams, and send them in the form of voicemails to the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
We do hope that Jon remembers to turn up, but whether he does or not, we’ll deffers see you next Thursday,
It’s sobering to think that the stuff with which we have delightedly surrounded ourselves may one day be a hideous rod for our descendents’ backs. Amy from Carlisle‘s ancestral haul has a particularly grotesque bent:
Last episode you discussed an inherited frozen shark’s head. My family have also recently become the custodians of various dubious animal body parts inherited from my Gran. My six-year-old nephew is now the owner of a stuffed baby crocodile, and a pair of antelope leg table lamps are now residing in our attic.
However, my dad is insisting on keeping the elephant’s foot on display. It has two drawers cut into it but with no key we have no idea what, if anything is inside it.
It’s best you never open those drawers – judging by Gran’s other possessions, you’ll only be saddled with her collection of embalmed voles.
Still, if you do find yourself saddled with a heap of dead exotic animal-bits, you might as well make the best of it. Here’s a tip from Andy from Boston: Read the rest of this entry »
We realise by now you’ll have had your fill of The Wanted, but save a little room for this – listener Hannah has made a bid to rehabilitate their current ear-botherer with a charming cover:
Damn you, Hannah, DON’T MAKE ME START TO LIKE THIS BLOODY SONG!
I’m not the only person to ‘win’ a piece of crap from a local radio station! James from Salisbury is similarly garlanded:
I entered a competition on North Devons local radio station when I was 9, and won a Gabrielle CD! It was shit, and I used it as a coaster.
I also won a set of erasers (because saying I won a set of rubbers sounds perverse) in a Radio 7 competition about 4 years ago. They are still in the packaging.
What are you complaining about, James? Both of these could make perfectly adequate Christmas presents for relatives you don’t particularly care about. As for other business raised by last week’s episode, Dom says:
Both MI5 and MI6 actually advertise jobs on their websites. If your listener still fancies becoming a spy then that’s not a bad place to start. Not quite as exciting really, is it?
It’s unlikely to end up in a John le Carré novel, true. Likewise those other famous users of covert communications, The Wanted; Joel from Hamburg notes:
Look up the sign language for ‘lesbian’. The guy from The Wanted in that mall may have just been communicating with deaf fans…
[Insert requisite joke here about how you’d have to be deaf to be a fan of The Wanted etc etc.]
Like us, Sarah in Liverpool has been overthinking the disparate boyband (and also spending her days the same way as I do, even though I’m not a student. Ready for your morning dose of Gilmore Girls, Sarah?):
While attempting to doze off listening to your podcast, you managed to inadvertently wake me up by mentioning my favourite current boyband, The Wanted. And when I say favourite, I rather mean my favourite boyband to make fun of.
As a university student I have spent many hours staring at a television flicking between Neighbours and music channels and The Wanted have struck a chord with me, particularly due to how ramshackle the band looks. So I was incredibly happy to hear you’ve also analysed and been frustrated by this band, and like me you’ve seemed to scrutinize them enough to give them nicknames. These names are:
Sexy Thug
(The unfortunately named) Little fish eyes
Paul from A1
Hot Cow (Specifically the Lactofree cow)
The boy who turned up at the wrong band auditions.
It’s a game you can all play! Everybody, consider yourself continuing the grand tradition begun by Smash Hits when they dubbed Melanie Chisholm ‘Sporty Spice’, and think up nicknames for the five members of The Wanted. Here are your prey:
The Wanted: pop pick'n'mix
For bonus boyband points, guess the member who a) is secretly gay; b) will be the first to leave for a solo career; c) is planning a career in acting; d) has knocked 5 years off his age; e) is pretending that he doesn’t have a degree from a top-tier university.
This week, listeners, we delve deep into one of the darkest mysteries of our age: the T&C of Pizza Hut’s ‘Don’t Open Me‘ wheeze. So tantalising! What could possibly be within the mystery envelope? Without even looking, we can guess a) heart attack b) disappointment c) spelling mistakes. Find out what else in Answer Me This! Episode 188:
This classic episode is available to BUY NOW for just 79p at the Answer Me This! Store, through a secure server, without DRM restriction. CLICK HERE to find out more and support our podcast. (This helps keep our most recent episodes free)
Today’s conversation features:
GCHQ
autotuned ocarina
diet and fitness messiahs
Winchester James Morrison vs. Radiohead
pseudo-hedonistic parties vs. Butlins Spy
the Milky Bar Kid
Ibiza
Pinkberry
loggers
Chuck Jackson
and
a frozen shark’s head.
Plus: Olly prefers M&Ms to be faceless, voiceless, nameless and unopinionated about film; Helen challenges you to match the member of The Wanted to her descriptions (ideally without having to expose yourself to their current single); and Martin the Sound Man doesn’t want to win a year’s supply of anything, thanks, although we suspect that if you offer him a new guitar every day, he wouldn’t kick you in the box.
This week’s Bonus Bit of Crap on the App includes some precautionary advice from Ashley from Atlanta regarding last week‘s questioneer who was intent on having sex atop a washing machine. Try to guess how this results in a story about Rome Police Station, Olly’s arse, and a leaking Nissan Micra. You can’t! So you’d better fire up your iPhone, iPad or Android to string this tale together.
So that we may string next week’s podcast together, you should send us your QUESTIONS: voicemails go on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis), and aim your emails at answermethispodcast@googlemail.com. Or, if you bump into us at Green Man or Edinburgh over the next week, you could questions in person! That’s a less reliable method than the usual phoning and emailing, but hey, we’re feeling risky.
Congratulations to clever Jenny from Bath! Not so much for achieving good marks in her course as for getting away with this shit:
This message is to give you guys a huge thank you because even though you had no idea, you have contributed greatly to my education. I am currently doing a Masters in English language/linguistics. In my third assignment I had to transcribe and analyse spoken conversation and I was racking my brains about what conversation to transcribe, but then, I thought of your brilliant podcast. So, thanks to episode 176 I received a nice 2:1 of 68 [smiley face].
Although, I must say it did take me a while to actually find six minutes of you guys not speaking about rude explicit things. In spite of this, the transcript did contain Olly’s comment about ‘Tommy Lee’s cock in Pamela Anderson’s face’, it couldn’t be avoided (and I felt I owed it to you).
It sounds like Jenny got that 2:1 through the same tactic we found successful: blind the examiners with chutzpah. Works a treat in the arts subjects. Wouldn’t recommend it for something which actually requires the demonstration of knowledge, though.
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