Batten down the hatches, Team AMT; today Planet Earth is being lashed by the most violent solar storm in years. Unlike the usual sort of storm, it won’t knock the flowerpots off the windowsill or ruin your laundry on the line, but it MIGHT interfere with communications systems, including the internet. So hurry hurry hurry to download Answer Me This! Episode 208, then listen to it whilst you board up your windows and dust off your emergency canned foods:
This week we consider:
mermaid menstruation
ladybird literature
the Cranberries’ comeback
partying at Heathrow Airport
the Earl of Sandwich and the Earl of Sandwich
joint bank accounts The Wizard of Oz vs. Return to Oz
Muppets vs. puppets
Soo vs. Anne Robinson
Catholics vs. farmers
grease-free cribbage
Tik-Tok (the character, NOT the K€sha song)
toothpaste
kitsch
Big Bird busybody
and
ET’s hands.
Plus: Olly would like the USA to know that burgers≠sandwiches; Helen’s unlikely to be going on a dirty weekend to Blackpool, and not just because when the wife’s away, Martin the Sound Man will play. With toilet paper.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) concerns Olly’s gorgeous teeth, both real and artificial. You’d never guess which are which!
Give all of us something to chew on by sending in your QUESTIONS: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis). Chomp chomp chomp.
Unofficial AMT paparazzo Mat wired us this rare sighting:
Spotted in, of all places, Wall Street, New York, US of your actual A, while I was helping fifteen Performing Arts students traipse around the city on a college trip. I’m all about the boots, myself.
Sadly the boots are off-brand, but if you want a similar bag for yourself, click here. They’re very sturdy, waterproof, and so bright and noticeable that you may well find yourself having your privacy invaded while you take a tour of the financial centres of the world.
Welcome the prodigal Andria from Austin, Texas back to the AMT fold:
I’ve been a listener since about episode 21. I had stopped listening for a while for one boring reason or another, and this past Christmas my husband, who was my boyfriend when I started listening, gave me a device chock full of all the episodes I’d missed that allowed me to listen once again from the comfort of my car on my long commutes to work. Since that time I have caught up on episodes 140 through 200.
I cannot tell you the immense pleasure it brought me, like being reacquainted with long lost friends. I absolutely giggled with glee when your parents visited on episode 200 and just grinned though the whole experience.
I am so glad to be listening regularly again, but hope I don’t burn myself out, as I often do on things I love, by overindulging. Which brings me to my question. Answer me this: what pleasurable experience have you ruined for yourself by indulging in it ad nauseam until you hated not only it, but yourself?
Making this podcast.
Readers! Tell us in the comments which of your pleasures have become torments. I’m sure that behind your civilised facades, you’re all Michael Fassbender in Shame.
Our next correspondent Lennox explains themselves as being English, but currently residing in Saint Lucia. This is germane to the question:
I moved to Saint Lucia when I was seven and I am now 16 and will be moving back to England in August. This is a wonderful thing because I miss England so very much. The only thing is I am a little nervous that I will not fit in or not know what to talk about. So answer me this: how will I overcome this and be able up fit in? What can I do now, before I go?
Prepare some standard chat by visiting the showbiz pages of any of the major tabloids. Observe which people crop up the most often, then acquaint yourself with the most car-crashy aspects of their lives. (Do not bother researching their work, as chances are they don’t do any.) Retain a few pointed observations about these people to drop into casual conversations about popular culture.
Next, practice saying, “Lovely day, isn’t it?” with a note of surprise in your voice, because presumably in Saint Lucia, clement weather is pretty much a given and therefore not worthy of comment. You will, of course, quickly become accustomed to daily conversations about the weather; these may seem pointless to you after nine years away, but remember that they are the only way that true Brits can communicate emotion. Do NOT compare the weather unfavourably to that back in Saint Lucia, however, unless you fancy a taste of the famous English delicacy, the Knuckle Sandwich.
Accompany your training with at least eight cups of tea. Dunk biscuits into it, even if you don’t want to.
Readers, do you have any pointers for Lennox’s reintegration into English life? Please help out in the comments.
My girlfriend was listening to AMT207 and told me that one of the topics of conversation was regarding the role of Continuity Announcers. Which is funny. As that’s what I do.
You seem pretty clued up about it all, but just to confirm, all main channels have live continuity announcements. Well, 1-4 definitely do; I’m not too sure about Channel 5.
Whilst a lot of digital channels have historically been pre-recorded, more and more of the larger ones (especially the entertainment ones, such as E4, BBC3, ITV2, etc) are now live during the evenings, to sound more immediate and “in-the-moment”. Since the advent of Twitter and what’s rather pretentiously known as “real-time water-cooler moments”, live announcing is more in-demand than ever.
And it’s not just talking on the telly that we do. Sometimes we make cups of tea too.
But of course – proper throat lubrication is essential in a profession requiring vocal excellence. Each cup of tea should be covered by some Occupational Health mandate.
Saint David, you’ve been lucky to have your own Day for so long, but it’s time to move over, because you know what March 1st is? JUSTIN BIEBER’S 18th BIRTHDAY! His song has more than 700m views on YouTube; how many people saw your ‘greatest’ miracle? Which was what, again? Oh, yes – you created a new hill. In Wales. You managed to find the only bit of Wales that wasn’t already a hill, and turned it into a sodding HILL! Now the monks don’t have a flat cricket pitch! Thanks a bloody bunch. Sit the heck down, and don’t even dare complain while they turn your charming cathedral into a bouncy castle for Justin to play in on his Bieberthday.
Also happening today: Answer Me This! Episode 207.
Plus: Olly has a Celebrity Row over the controversial revamped Clissold Park cafe; Helen has a split personality, if the Myers-Briggs test is anything to go by; and Martin the Sound Man is the Voice of the Yoof, much to the sorrow of the Yoof themselves.
This week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices or Android) is concerned with the plight of Ben from Durham, who has lost an eyebrow. Wax in haste, repent at leisure, as my grandmother never had to say because nobody would EVER have been so foolish in her day.
We always want your QUESTIONS, and this week is no different: email them to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com or leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis).
I have friends on my Facebook account two years younger than me.
I see on Facebook there is a relationship option and I see some people who are younger than me are always in a relationship (which are in real life also) and in these relationships they say to each other that they are “Their true love”, “Love you forever”.
This fucking annoying relationships last a period of from 1 day to 1 month averagely.
So answer me this!
Do you think relationships at this age will go into them getting married and living together forever?
Hahahaha! OF COURSE NOT. In fact, how many decisions do 11-year-olds ever make which last forever? And as their superior in age, why are you allowing this to agitate you so? Smile indulgently as you observe their little romances play out over Facebook in less time than it takes to defrost a turkey.
But keep that smile even if they turn out to be in it for the long haul, and start cluttering up their walls with posts about joint bank accounts and trips to the garden centre and redrawing their wills so their love receives their collection of Tonka toys; for you, Tim, are a lone wolf, not being so rash as to let yourself be tied down at such a young age, keeping yourself free to play the field. Even though playing in the playground isn’t such an implausible option at this point.
Pat yourselves on the back, please, for giving such sage advice to last week’s correspondent who was plaintively contemplating dumbing down to find love. She has written back:
Thank you so much for answering my question; what you said actually made sense. Yesterday I actually went on a date with a guy I really like, so thanks for talking me out of doing something I would regret.
Poor old Scott from London has got himself into a Slough of Despond (yes, a John Bunyan reference on AMT – DEAL WITH IT!):
I have been attempting to be more creative recently.
Last month I attempted National Novel Writing Month – and failed.
I’m trying to maintain a regular YouTube video – and failing.
I’m trying to write a short stand-up set – and failing.
The source of my problem seems to be motivation; after a few days I get overwhelmed by the pointlessness of whatever it is I am doing and lose any motivation to do it.
This also applies in part to my university work: I’ve been set ten chapters for ten different books to read for next week and I’m finding it hard to apply myself to it.
So, answer me this: how do you motivate yourself to finish things, both academically and creatively?
With one or a combination of the following three things:
1. fear;
2. deadlines;
3. money.
Without them at our back (1, 2) or waved in front of our face (3), ain’t no chance of us getting off our lazy arses.
With your academic work, you have a good dose of 2, and the prospect of 1 in the form of a stern telling-off if you don’t get done in time. Also, even though nobody’s offering you a pile of 3 for your efforts, you’ll be wasting your own if you don’t get on with it.
However, your other endeavours lack any of the three because you’re driving them solely, with no concrete aim in mind. So set yourself some targets – perhaps booking a spot at an open mic comedy night a couple of weeks hence, because then you’ll HAVE to get the stand-up written (unless you fancy trying your hand at improv, which I cannot recommend, because – well, face it, it’ll be shit).
But self-set deadlines only work for some people – not me, because I know I can shirk them since who’s going to tell me off I miss them? Me? Ha, as if! – so if you are one of those, try finding somebody else who similarly needs a kick up the arse, and agree to be each other’s arse-kicker. Write dates in a calendar, and levy fines if those dates aren’t met. Hey, nobody said creativity was supposed to be FUN. Or creative.
Readers, if you’ve got tips for galvanising Scott into embarking upon his masterworks, please add them in the comments. Alas, I can’t offer you any incentive, except altruism. And a cut of the royalties from Scott’s novel and comedy DVD sales in five years’ time.
Answer Me This! Episode 206 is an exciting one, because we’re joined by legendary comedian and erstwhile rabbi Jackie Mason!
We snuck backstage to talk to him at the Wyndhams Theatre, where he’s performing his farewell show Fearless – click here to find out more about it and buy tickets – and we learned many things: real people are better to watch than Caddyshack II; Lucozade has yet to break America; and Madonna is a sick person (well, we did have an inkling of that already).
For more wisdom, listen:
Before you get to hear Jackie, though, you have to listen to us waffling on as usual, about such matters as:
legless frogs
the legal smoking age limit
litotes
sex vs. Buckaroo
Roman numerals Snog Marry Avoid?
proxy servers
and
heirloom gobstoppers.
Plus: Olly exposes The Artist complainers as FRAUDS; Helen’s inner Russell Brand is unleashed; and before you ask, the reason Martin the Sound Man didn’t come with us to meet Jackie Mason is NOT because no goys were allowed, but because he had to go to work! Science waits for no man.
There’s more Jackie in this week’s Bit of Crap on the App, where he holds forth upon the upcoming US election and Harry Redknapp’s dog, so fire up your iDevices or Android.
AMT is back to its normal guestless state next week, but we’re not alone so long as we have your QUESTIONS; so leave a voicemail on the Question Line (dial 0208 123 5877 or Skype answermethis) or send an email to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Our next correspondent Michael from California has had enough of Dangerous Mindsing it, and needs you readers to go to the comments to decide for him the next leg of his career. He says:
I’ve been teaching English and history to twelve-year-olds for so long that my very first students are now entering middle age. This has gone on long enough; it is time for me to get into some other field of endeavor. Answer me this: what line of work would a teacher’s particular skill set allow me to enter?
Bodily functions. They’re a bother, aren’t they? It’s the bloody 21st century, SURELY we could have evolved out of having them by now! Or at least James Dyson could have invented something to sort them out better than the flawed systems currently available. Hurry up, Mr Dyson; Rachel needs you:
I’m writing from Lima, Peru where I work as a copywriter. I’ve been living in Lima for five weeks now and there is one thing that is really bothering me about this country, so please answer me this:
Why can’t you flush toilet paper down the toilet in Peru?
When I first started working here, I noticed that there was a little sign on the office toilet cubicle doors saying ‘Please don’t flush paper down the lavatory’. At first I thought this was just an office thing. However I came home yesterday to find that my cleaner had put up a sign in MY bathroom, opposite my toilet, saying ‘Please don’t flush toilet paper down the toilet’. It was accompanied with a picture of a sad/irritated-looking cartoon toilet. WHY?!?
If it doesn’t go down the toilet where is it supposed to go? If they have always had a problem with putting toilet paper down the toilet then why haven’t they come up with a better system yet? Like inventing the ‘three seashells‘ thing they talk about in Demolition Man.
Don’t get me wrong, I expected there to be some cultural differences when I moved to Lima from York; but this seems very odd. I am still putting my paper in the toilet and nothing bad seems to be happening. This means I am putting clean paper in the bin to trick my nosy cleaner.
I’m not a Peruvian plumber (surprise!), so my answer is pure speculation. I understand that the same is true in many areas of Greece, because the plumbing cannot cope with paper, and in their present plight I doubt that replacing all the country’s piping is top of their agenda.
So I guess that either Peru is the same, or that everybody has colonics there. Peristalsis is SO 19th-century, Rachel! Get with it.
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