If Sarah Beeny can set up a dating service, perhaps we can too? Our first specimen could be Tony from Perth, Western Australia, who writes:
I just finished listening to AMT280 and in it you mentioned Chesca who has started working at Disney World Florida. I thought I would put it out there that I am also single and I happen to be heading over to Florida in April next year. So answer me this: do you think I have a chance with Chesca?
Chesca, if you’re reading this: fancy going on a blind date with a man about whom we know nothing aside from he’s an AMT fan and lives in one of the most remote cities in the world, so it would probably be more of a quickie than a relationship? Let us know and we’ll set you kids up!
Caitlin from Breckenridge, Colorado chips in:
I heard that one of your listeners works at Disney World and has the issue of too few men. I have been living in a ski town and find I have the opposite problem. There are far more men then women. The solution to your listener’s problem is move to a ski town!
However it is not all that it appears. The saying goes: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” Despite the numbers being in my favor, there are few men that are worth dating. What would your tactic be in sorting out the good boys from the odd ones? Should I create a quiz? Should they have a set of criteria that they must meet?
We couldn’t really venture an answer unless you elaborate upon the nature of the oddness, or even condone assessing potential fun-partners using something as arbitrary as a quiz; but readers, ski down to the comments and let us know your system for sorting the hits from the gits.
Here’s an early Christmas gift from Anonymous Cupcake Lady, whose bakery-based battle with her Office Nemesis thrilled you in AMT271. In AMT272, we learnt that the fancy strawberry swirl cupcakes ‘baked’ by Office Nemesis were out of stock. And today, Cupcake Lady has returned to deliver the latest installment in the saga! This week: will Office Nemesis finally be trapped in her own lies? Read on…
I start work at 7am and my best friend (let’s call her Lindsay) and Office Nemesis both start work at 8am. We are doing a Food Bank drive here at work since it is the Christmas Season and Best Friend had not contributed anything so decided to stop in at the shops on her way to work one day.
Oh yes – guess who she also saw entering the shop a couple of minutes before her? That’s RIGHT! Office Nemesis! Lindsay proceeded to hang back a bit and watch as Office Nemesis entered the bakery section and picked up several batches of red velvet and white chocolate chip Christmas Cookies. Lindsay bought some supplies for the Food Bank and headed into work, Office Nemesis had no knowledge that SHE HAD BEEN SEEN!!!!!
Anyway, of course Lindsay filled me in on her reconnaissance as soon as she got into the office and me (being the bitch that I am) couldn’t resist going down to the Third Floor and seeing what goodies might be on offer on this particular day. Low and behold, a plate of “homemade” cookies.
“WOW – has someone been baking?” I declared.
“Yes – I have! Red velvet and white chocolate chip cookies! I baked three batches last night – getting into the festive spirit and everything,” replied Office Nemesis
“Here – take some up to your boss, I know how much he enjoys my baking!”
So, I walked over to her desk and she proceeded to pull out a few zip-lock bags of cookies! That’s right, guys – she actually transferred the cookies into zip-lock bags so it looked as if she had brought them in from home!! Her cunning knows no bounds!
Anyway, I brought the cookies up to my boss and told him Office Nemesis had baked them. He looked puzzled and said “How on earth did she get them all the same size and shape?”
I gave him a knowing glance and we left it at that. I think her secret might be out!
I’ve decided I feel sorry for Office Nemesis more than anything. She’s obviously all kinds of crazy and I think she probably deserves my sympathy more than anything.
That’s very kind of you, Cupcake Lady, and I assume that’s why you’re letting herself carry on with her hairbrained schemes for individual baking glory, rather than confronting her in the supermarket aisle and giving her a good spanking with a silicon spatula. Or concealing yourself inside a cake, waiting for Nemesis to buy it and take it into the office, at which point you would burst out and reveal her trail of falsehood to all your disinterestedshocked and horrified colleagues. But if you do decide to do that, please ask Lindsay to film it for us.
On this day, dear listeners, we arrive at the final new AMT episode of 2013. We’ll be revisiting some of the Incredible Moments of the AMT year in our Best Of episodes on 12th and 19th December – which as always include some previously unpodcasted Incredible Moments – so please join us for those. Until then, here’s Answer Me This! Episode 280:
In which we learn about:
caterpillars Countryfile
Brian May
isolated stone columns
boring men’s fashion Tinder
Elijah Wood/Tobey Maguire vs Ryan Gosling/Ryan Reynolds
wearing white after Labor Day
public personal grooming Shutter Island spoiler alert
and
pulling at theme parks.
Plus: Olly wouldn’t have his honeymoon at Disney World even if he did get to jump queues and eat free food; if the Zoltar machine in Big had been replaced by a Zaltor machine, Tom Hanks would have received some pedantic grammatical advice from Helen instead; and Martin the Sound Man can’t deal with ultraviolent films like Home Alone.
As we may have noted a few times, the Answer Me This! Christmas album is out now; click HERE to get it. In return for supporting the show with your dosh, you get one hour of all-new AMTchat about the festive period. There’s a little sample of it as this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows).
As well as money, to keep AMT going in 2014 we need your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
See you back here on 12th December for the first installment of the best of AMT2013,
Helen & Olly
AMT280 Child-Friendly Rating: 92%. Phonecall from an actual 6-year-old. Reasonably innocent hangover chat, and surprisingly clean discussion of hook-up apps. Two class B swears. Beware, there is a spoiler about the end of Big, which is not a film we want to ruin for your children; there’s also spoiler about Shutter Island, which is not a film your children should be watching yet so it doesn’t really matter.
Scott from Bury is a fraction of the man he used to be, and would like to remain so:
Both my girlfriend and I have had some success with calorie restrictive diets, losing 9 stone between us in approx a year and a half. However, we have some more work yet to do and feel that we would get through the last difficult steps of this process much quicker and easier if we had fewer social engagements with friends and family on our calendar (obviously including the gut-busting Christmas and new year holidays coming up).
So answer me this, should we accept a short term life (6 months maybe) as anti-social shut ins to archive our goals? Or is there a better way to get the best of both worlds?
I think you can do both. If you’re invited to something which is very food-focused, eg a dinner party, it’s probably simpler to avoid it than to try to make it work with your diet. A fairly easy excuse is to pretend you’ve already said you’d go to another fixture that evening.
However, if the party involves milling around with canapes, you can survive it: make sure you don’t arrive at the party hungry; bring some diet-compatible snacks if need be; and keep your hands full at all times with glasses, stupid Christmas props, etc. And stay away from the eggnog, which should be easy, since it’s eggnog.
Readers, any tips for Scott to maintain his new slimline frame this festive period?
Here’s some great – albeit crashingly obvious – advice via Paul from Bristol:
In AMT278 you briefly speculated on the erotic uses of Marmite. I was reminded that a friend of mine once told me, “Never put your bollocks in an empty Marmite jar”. Apparently the shape of the jar makes it impossible to remove them again.
Answer me this: is this true, and if I were to test it what excuse do you suggest I give to the staff in A&E?
Paul’s first question: readers, if you have personal experience of this, either as the enterprising bollock-stuffer or the emergency responder who had to extract the bollocks, please tell us all about it in the comments.
Paul’s second question: there are NO possible excuses. The best you can do is saying you did it for a bet. Anyway, why would you want an excuse? If you’ve gone to all that effort to be The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar, you surely want to be known as The Guy Who Got His Bollocks Stuck in a Marmite Jar.
Was at the premiere of Gangs of New York a few years ago and was at the urinals with Leonardo DiCaprio. Most famous person I’ve peed next to. Fairly important to the story that I point out I am in fact a man with the name Courtney and not a crazy lady in the gents.
Pete has raised the stakes to celebripoop:
A few years ago, a friend of mine got us backstage, access all areas passes to the Download Festival. We had access literally everywhere – backstage, artist green rooms, even managed to see some bands sets from the side of the stage. One advantage to this was the ability to use the artists’ toilets and shower facilities backstage.
We had just watched Faith No More on the main stage and headed back for a few beers. The day’s festivities had caught up with me, and by this time I needed the loo. A diet consisting entirely of alcohol and no actual soild food is always going to have a certain effect, and it was with some trepidation that I approached the toilets.
Upon entering the loos, I sensed that this was going to be a sit down visit rather than a stand up, so duly sat down and let armaggeddon commence. Upon finishing, I flushed and exited, but left behind an aroma that satan himself would be proud of. As I left, I held the door for someone who was approaching, only to notice that it was Marilyn Manson. My good nature took hold, and I felt some kind of warning was in order.
“I’d give that ten minutes if I were you” I offered helpfully. Mr Manson just looked at me and casually nodded, and entered the cubicle area, whereupon I heard a distinct muttering of “fucking hell” followed by a clear retching sound. Result!
As we noted in AMT278, a double celebripiss is quite a feat; Dave here certainly found it too much to bear:
I relieved myself next to Dirty Den from Eastenders. Turns out he was doing the panto and staying in the hotel I was in for my school formal.
I didn’t notice who it was at first when I pulled up beside him until our heads turned and we both gave a nod of acknowledgement to one another. I got stage fright and couldn’t go, though thankfully he quickly finished and left.
Thinking I was now free to do my business with out the pressure of a famous face stood within splashing distance, I set about focusing myself on the job at hand, when who should drunkenly burst through the door and stagger up beside me, none other than ex-Westlife singer Brian McFadden. He was a twat. He swayed about and I’m sure he pissed on himself. I left him to it and went back out with a bladder still half full of wee.
Later that night Brian came into our disco and took over the DJing! He was shite. All the girls flocked over to him asking for pictures and autographs and he responded by hocking up a greener and spitting it at them. He was removed/escorted out by the bouncers soon after.
In Brian McFadden’s defence, Westlifers are only happy when sitting on high stools. They should have fitted an extra-high urinal for his needs.
Abracadabra! Alacazam! Bippity Boppity Boo! Hey Presto! And other words stage magicians probably don’t use any more! But as if by magic, out of the false-bottomed top hat Answer Me This! Episode 279 appears:
In which we speak of:
hangovers in London
The Breakfast Club burrito
card tricks
great grandparents (not great-grandparents)
the Masked Magician’s spoilers
Simon Callow’s Vegas spectacular Olly’s fantastic grandma
grumpy old men
and
shutting children up.
Plus: Olly is bewitched by David Copperfield’s hair more than his illusions; Helen got lost on a school trip, which was probably better than being on the fun-drained trip itself; and Martin the Sound Man illustrates why the romance of (500) Days of Summer wouldn’t have worked so well if the action had been transplanted to Croydon.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we consider what wisdom our grandparents passed on. Did yours bequeath any sage homilies or sensible advice? Let us know in the comments.
If you’re as excited as we are about the all-new AMT Christmas album, click HERE to find out more about it and to buy. Your money keeps this podcast going, which hopefully is a good thing in your minds as well as ours.
Also keeping this podcast going are squarespace.com, who are also keeping easy website-building going. For 10% off their services, use the code Answer11; they’re also offering you the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website – if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace. Come on, you competitive-spirited web-builders! PLAY TO WIN!
Finally, please send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
Vanishing in a puff of smoke, but really behind a curtain,
Helen & Olly
AMT279 Child-Friendly Rating: 68%. Some swears. Discussion of hangovers, which may corrupt the youth. Deconstruction of some stage magic tricks, which may prove disillusioning to the credulous young mind.
If you take the plunge and purchase it, you’re not only funding the podcast, you also get one hour of all-new Christmas chat about such festive topics as:
✯ FOOD!✯
Audio is entirely calorie-free, so feast your ears on mince pies, trifle, Brussels sprouts, poisoned turkey, lutefisk, Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa Cake and what Christmas pudding can teach you about atomic physics (which is better than eating it).
✯ENTERTAINMENT!✯
Christmas titans Eric’n’Ernie face off against Mike Yarwood; Olly fails to be swept away by ‘Fairytale of New York’ (and don’t even get him started on ‘Christmas Wrapping’); and the Grinch stole Dr Seuss’s doctorate.
✯CUSTOMS!✯
How the Norse deities Frigga and Baldur got you to snog people under a bunch of a poisonous parasitic plant; why Rudolph’s got a red nose; how the first ever Christmas card managed to be offensive; why Kwanzaa was invented; and Santa on waterskiis.
✯CRISIS MANAGEMENT! ✯
How to salvage the situation if your partner’s bought you a brilliant present and you got them something shit; what to do if you dread staying at your in-laws’ house; how to uninvite people from your party; and why you’re more likely to end up getting a divorce at Christmas. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.
✯DECORATIONS! ✯
Let us deck the halls of your ears with Christmas jumpers, Christmas crackers, double beards, and paper hats, even though everyone looks like a dick in the paper hats. Especially because everyone looks like a dick in the paper hats.
The Answer Me This! Christmas Album is fun for all the family – no, it really is, because we don’t even swear. So Great-Grandma Gladys and Tiny Tim can listen happily together while you sneak off and neck the cooking brandy.
As babies continue insist on being born, and the law insists those babies are given names, we receive plenty questions about baby names. Here’s one from Andy from Wimbledon:
My best friend and his lovely wife are expecting a baby boy in the new year.
However, on the issue of names, my friend has decided that the boy child is to be named “Tyrion”, after Tyrion Lannister, the dwarf from Game of Thrones.
Now I’m only halfway through the first season of GoT, but already I’m concerned that naming a child after a dwarf who has a penchant for booze and whores might not be the best option.
Furthermore, this being Game of Thrones, it’s no spoiler to presume that at some point the character in question will be involved in something hideously despicable/incestuous/immoral which could well tarnish the name (i.e. you don’t see many birth announcements in The Times for boys named ‘Adolf’ anymore).
So answer me this – how do you go about telling someone that their choice of baby name isn’t perhaps appropriate? Or should I, like everyone else, just keep quiet and coo over the baby and its ‘lovely’ name once the thing is born?
Yes. That. Regardless of whether you voice your (reasonable) objections, if your friends love that name, they’re going to bestow it upon their boy. So don’t add a black mark to your permanent record when it won’t help the baby anyway. About the furthest you can go is leaving a newspaper in their loo, casually folded open upon an article about how naming a child after a current big TV series is a bit tacky.
Anyway, the impending baby Tyrion might have got off lightly, if this tale from Sam in Langbank is to be believed:
My friend, Hannah, told me her friend Craig’s mum was working in a maternity ward at a hospital somewhere in Glasgow. She was asking a new mother to write down on a form the name of her new baby girl. The mum then wrote this: ‘La-a’. Craig’s mum then said “Oh, that’s an unusual name”. To which the woman replied, “Yeah. Ladasha.”
This is possibly the best name I’ve ever heard.
Answer me this what is the oddest name you have ever heard of?
PS my biology teacher also taught someone called Princess-Jamie-Babes Brown.
People at my school claimed to know a girl called Autumn Dawn Forecast. And a friend at university swore she had known a boy called Norman Conquest. Let’s face it: if your surname was Conquest, you’d be a fool to resist that opportunity.
Ben from Redditch needs your help to commit disobedient acts. Read his email then advise him in the comments:
I’m 31 and white, my town over the last few years has had a growth in the power of certain right wing parties. This being not the result of more people voting for them but instead the poor turnout to the polls by average voters. Due to a certain longed-haired joke teller giving out his half-baked unexplored ideas to a love-sick quiz show host, I fear this will happen once again.
As a white person I see it as my place to sabotage in whatever childish way I can the campaign car for said parties/party. People of different ethnicities run the risk of being pointed out as an example of the negative behaviour of their people. So as a wasp I do what I can in conversation to change people’s minds. Last time I explained it to a girlfriend of mine with such passion that she decided we should go out and drive-by egg the campaign float. I guess the subtext of that is that I think I’m brilliant.
However, currently boo-less and somewhat older, I would like to make more of a protest. I thought of following them round with just a massive sign that points and reads simply ‘TWAT’. Or could I do better?
So answer me this: what would be my rights if I just stood in front of their car so it couldn’t move? I’m used to confrontation and plan to have someone filming me the whole time so threats or violence would be a win. Or am I just being a show off and causing them more popularity?
Well readers, what reckon you to Ben and his Emily Davison yearnings?
It’s always pleasing to hear from you learned listeners; thanks, Josie, for getting in touch to share Knowledge:
Listening to last week’s episode, I heard you discuss the medicinal properties of Marmite, where Helen said it could repel mosquitoes.
As a mosquito biologist myself I have heard this a few times but, though I love Marmite, all evidence produced so far says that neither vitamin B nor garlic (another commonly toted ‘repellent food’) have any effect on mosquito activity.
This myth is surprisingly persistent though and even my Mum refuses to believe me on this point (apparently a PhD is mosquito biology counts for nothing here!). Just thought I’d write in to make sure that your listeners, unlike my mother, do not plan trips to malaria endemic countries with the intent of using Marmite as a protection against bites!
Other odd, evidence-less repellent ideas I’ve come across during my work include hanging bags of water in your house, as mosquitoes are “terrified my their own magnified reflections in the water surface and run away”, and writing the number “82” on a big sign above your coffee machine.
Because…mosquitoes are terrified by the atomic number of lead? Sounds scientific to me!
Marmite is famously purported to be a divisive substance, and it seems Luke in Kurdistan felt the same about our conversation regarding it:
Answer me this – how did an innocent question about the health benefits of Marmite (or lack thereof), finish with an answer to “Would it be good for the soul to wake up in bed with Peter Stringfellow, if covered in a B vitamin rich, salty spread?”?
Apologies for our absence last week; normal service resumes today with Answer Me This! Episode 278:
In which we discuss:
pissing with Clint Eastwood Annie Hall
Action Man
Kinder Eggs vs the law
ginger ale vs ginger beer
romcoms vs heartbreak
fake tan
sexy scars
GI Joe’s thumb
the golden era of Richard Curtis
and
Peter Stringfellow’s Marmitey penis.
Today’s episode was sponsored by squarespace.com, who are not only offering you 10% off their wonderful website-building services if you use the code Answer11, but also the chance to win a free YEAR of the service if you send us a link to your Squarespacetacular website – if tweeting said link, deploy the hashtag #AMTsquarespace.
In this week’s Bit of Crap on the App (available for iDevices, Android and Windows) we wonder whether Peter Stringfellow is a nice (string)fellow. If you can confirm or deny, do let us know.
And, more importantly, do send us your QUESTIONS: leave voicemails on the Question Line (call 0208 123 5877 or Skype ID answermethis) and send emails to answermethispodcast@googlemail.com.
If like this week’s questioneer Maz you want to salve your broken heart with unlimited streaming of films and TV, get yourself a month’s free LoveFilm trial at answermethispodcast.com/LoveFilm. You can also block out some white noise by listening to Helen’s other podcast Sound Women, available here.
Our final demand: join us next Thursday, please,
Helen & Olly
AMT278 Child-Friendly Rating: 88%. Celebripissing chat and mention of Peter Stringfellow’s stringfellow, but low swearage and kid-appropriate topics such as Action Man, Kinder Surprise and soft drinks.
Answer Me This! Podcast 