Archive for the ‘extracurricular questions’ Category

Xmas films

December 4, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT239

BM tweeted us to ask:

My father’s girlfriend is Lithuanian and has never seen any Christmas films; which Christmas films would you suggest to show her?

This is a great question! And one which demands a surprisingly careful approach. You can’t throw a novice straight in at the deep end with Bad Santa or National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (which, I’m sorry to tell you, doesn’t stand up as well as memory hoped). With that in mind, start her off on a classical version of A Christmas Carol, like the Alastair Sim version, before progressing to a deconstructed Christmas Carol such as The Muppet Christmas Carol and Scrooged.

Do supply her with oldies-but-goodies like The Shop Around the Corner and, of course, the repurposed summer blockbuster It’s a Wonderful Life; but you don’t want to begin with those, else it’s all downhill thereon.

Now brace yourself for my controversial suggestion for her starter film.

Love Actually.

Come back! Hear me out. Yes, it’s a three-sickbag movie; yes, at least a third of it seems too indulgent even to be a dream sequence; but its dominant characteristic is the sentimentality that has been begotten by Christmas-mythologising films. It will provide some sort of context for her subsequent viewing.

Then you can make the nausea go away with a refreshing dose of Gremlins or Lethal Weapon. Too strong? Elf.

Readers, what would you add to BM’s dad’s girlfriend’s festive film marathon? Jingle all the way to the comments with your suggestions.

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ticks

November 29, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT238

Here’s a question of ticks from Tammi from Blackburg, Virginia:

I recently found a deer tick attached to my earlobe. It hurt for days after I removed it! I starting talking with my hubbie and he said he once found one in his belly button and it itched for months!

So where are the most unusual places y’all have found ticks before?

On my dog’s neck. Other than that…um…well, we three all live in London, not a very tick-heavy place. But readers – some of you must live in the humid sandy deer-populated lands which ticks favour. Go to the comments to delight Tammi with your tick stories. Tell you what: we’ll open this out to any other parasites. Emotionally draining humans DO count.

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rally good causes

November 28, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT238

Our next questioneer Chris needs your help adding the ‘fun’ to ‘draising’:

Next July I am participating in a charity rally that starts in London and finishes in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. My team mate has decided we should drive the 10,000 mile route in an ambulance, which we then donate to the charity organising the event.

It turns out that these high-tech life saving vehicles are quite expensive on the second hand market as people want them for camper van conversions.

We have tried approaching companies for sponsorship, but so far have been turned down by almost every one.

We thought of holding a black tie charity dinner, but soon realised we didn’t know anyone that wouldn’t be turned away at the door for being too poor.

So answer me this: how do we raise enough money to buy the ambulance, pay for the visas, fuel, food and accommodation plus raise a respectable amount for the charities we are supporting?

Look at us, Chris. Do we appear to be the kind of people who have any idea of how to make money? [chokes back a sob]

However! Readers, you are ingenious and, in some cases, wealthy. If you can be of any help to Chris in his efforts, either go to the comments and donate a Plan of Action, or donate him enough cash to buy an ambulance.

Information about his endeavour and the charities which will benefit can be found at www.alphabadger.com.

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scavenging sibling steals sandwiches

November 22, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT237

Revenge is a frequent theme at AMT, as is the pettiness born of cohabitation. It is little surprise that those topics combine. Add a fractious sibling relationship, and you have household napalm. Luca from Malta is ready to detonate:

I have a younger brother who constantly eats my food. It is fine when I make enough for both. But if I prepare a sandwich or a salad and leave it in the fridge for when I have work or school, it always goes missing – invariably, he eats it.

I have confronted him about this and have told him, SPECIFICALLY, ‘Do not eat my food.’ Last night, I spent 3 hours making the most beautiful and delicious pizza. I could only eat a quarter and left the rest in the fridge with a paper saying ‘Please, do not eat!’ for I had a long day at work and needed something to cheer me up for when I got home. He ate my pizza and he just laughed and laughed about it.

If I poison some food, leave it in the fridge, with a sign saying “Please do not eat”, yet my brother eats it anyway, and dies, will I be sent to prison?

I’m not well versed in Maltese law, but yes, you probably would, as your intent was to endanger life. But even if you wormed your way out of a prison sentence, for killing your brother your parents would send you to your room till the end of time, so it’s the same result either way. Plus, you’re ruling yourself out of eating your own food, too. Everybody loses in this scenario, as with the piss-laced soy milk we recently refused to drink.

It seems to have taken you a remarkably long time to realise that your notes are not only failing to deter your brother from theft, but are even spurring him on to commit mischief. The only thing more delicious to him than contraband food is your annoyance.

He would probably continue to eat your food if you deploy reverse psychology in your notes, eg “Go ahead and eat my pizza” – face it, if he can see your pizza, he is going to eat your pizza. So…prevent him from seeing your pizza. Construct a disguise. Get yourself a Tupperware container and dress it up to look like your brother’s least favourite food – or just pop a plastic turd on top. That is cheaper than buying your own fridge and a padlock, which is the other option.

Readers, please go to the comments to lend Luca your ideas – both to defend his food from his brother, and to deal with his stress levels and controlling urges.

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how soon is too soon?

November 22, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT237

Tyler from San Francisco is movin’ on up, movin’ on out, movin’ on up, nothing can stop him:

I broke up with my boyfriend about one month ago after nearly two years (in gay culture, this is a quite long relationship). We share a large group of mutual friends here in San Francisco which has made things a bit awkward. I have only briefly encountered my ex in passing. I’m now starting to date new people. Is this too soon? I don’t want to be insensitive, but we’re finished and I’m moving on.

Answer me this: how long should I wait before publicly dating or bringing a new gentleman to a party or event with this circle of mutual friends?

As we established last week: if the new relationship is with a close relative, WAIT FOREVER.

Otherwise – three months? Readers, what do you reckon? Since age gaps can be governed mathematically, surely there is an equation to compute the value of y (length of post-relationship public singledom) as a proportion of x (length of relationship). Add your calculation to the comments.

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phriendly phallus

November 14, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT236

Companion’s cock causes Caity consternation:

I have been good friends with a boy since I was 12, when we met in high school. He has always made it very clear that he likes me, and I have always carefully turned him down so as not to hurt his feelings.

However, this morning, I received a…Crotch picture, and I need to tell him no means no, once and for all, but still remain friends.

Also, there is an opportunity for me to move in with him, his friend, and two other girls in about two months… Do I take it, or is it too risky?

It’s a dead cert that if you move in, you’ll be treated to some real life ‘Crotch pictures’ before you’ve even had enough time to unpack.

Wake up and smell the cock that he’s been dangling on your face whilst you sleepcoffee, Caity. ‘Carefully turning him down’ for several years has not proven effective. Perhaps he has interpreted your kindly rejections as you playing coy, in which case you need to be unequivocal in your declarations of non-interest. Agreeing to move in with him does not send the right message.

The right message is ‘I DO NOT WANT YOU SEXUALLY’ on the back of a postcard of Lorena Bobbitt.

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nun of the above

November 14, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT236

Perhaps during AMT236 we opened a floodgate for all the lewd nun jokes that are neither comprehensible nor funny. Luca writes:

Two nuns were cycling down a cobbled a road. ‘I never came this way,’ said one nun. ‘It must be the cobbles,’ said the other.

Answer me this: why are nuns so sexual in jokes?

In my opinion, it is because the composers and repeaters of those jokes can hardly believe that sentient women would actively choose a life of celibacy. It is INCONCEIVABLE that they would waste their God-given BOOBS and LADYPARTS in this way. Since they have forsaken the public-facing singles scene, they MUST be getting their kicks elsewhere, and therefore a convent must be like a 24/7/365 Carry On film set in a boarding school for wayward girls.

To my mind, however, the real question is why a nun commits herself to marriage with a man who is not only dead, but cheating on her with all the other nuns.

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surviving Sandy

November 5, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT235

Hey! AMTpals on the other side of the Atlantic, are you alright? We hope you and yours made it through the Extreme Weather Events, and we are relieved to have heard from some of you, sounding damp but resilient, like Emma from the Soggy Apple:

As a New Yorker, last week was pretty hectic. Hurricane Sandy turned out to a be quite a bitch.

Me, my two roommates, my roommate’s annoying dog, our friend who lives in Manhattan, and my roommate’s boyfriend were trapped in my Brooklyn apartment for days with very little to do but drink the mass amounts of beer we bought from the one open bodega in our neighborhood. We don’t have a tv, so we ended up playing lots of games.

One game we played for far too long was MASH, which is one of those playground games girls play to predict who they are going to marry, where they are going to live, how many kids they will have, etc. For instance, after one game I ended up living in Tokyo, married to Danny Devito, having no kids but 20 cats, getting around by helicopter, and working in a dildo factory. Would it actually be fun being married to Danny Devito as long as you didn’t have sex with him?

I’m not sure that would be your choice if married to Danny Devito, if there’s any truth in the rumours which sprouted after he and Rhea Perlman announced their separation last month. We learn that if fidelity is important to you in a relationship, don’t marry one of the stars of Twins.

Also if you’re deliberately entering into a sexless marriage and you have TWENTY cats, your life sounds like a mess no matter who your husband is.

Nichole had different means of seeing out the storm:

Great big slug pigs from hell, we survived the New York apocalypse known as hurricane Sandy! We roughed it out for FOUR days in our one bedroom apartment with no heat, no electricity, NO INTERNET, and water turning off and on with the wind.

Would you believe it? The husband and I managed the early darkening nights huddled around the soft light of candles and a thankfully charged iPad stocked only with Answer Me This! episodes from your early days of yore, episodes 62 to 90. It was like a drunken end of days with only the soft lull of you cracking whimsical over grandpa’s proverbial wireless.

Now we’re back and there are things we have to know! What happened to the on-again, off-again couple of Anastasia and Wade? Did Graham from Canada ever get a girlfriend in his own country?

The truth is: we don’t know! All those kids are now grown up, and unless they contact us, we can’t find out what’s going on with them since the government shut down our covert surveillance operation. So here’s an appeal:

Wade. Ana. Graham from Canada. If you’re reading this, please go to the comments and tell us what’s been happening in your life since we last heard from you circa 2009.

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gap year twat

October 31, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT234

Let us progress from sixth form problems to problems that may emerge afterwards, as outlined in the following email from Tom:

I have just finished a Gap Year which involved 4 months’ travelling around southern Asia.

Personally, my travelling was the most informative, exciting and interesting thing I’ve ever done. However, now I’ve started university, nobody cares! All I want to do is talk about it, but then I sound like a massive Gap Yar Twat, but I can’t help but bring it up sometimes because there are so many stories.

Is there anyway I can be cool about it? I did go to Thailand for a week, but I wasn’t there to party, I’m not a ‘lad’ who just went and slept with prostitutes; I just went because I wanted to experience different things. How to get across that I’m not a lad, and that I’m not a post travel twat?

It’s curious that you think the only things people might be interested in are Thailand, specifically parties and prostitutes therein. If that is the case, why are you hanging out with such arseholes?

Anyway. You’re surrounded by new people, and you can’t expect them automatically to care about you or your holidays. Especially not if you start every sentence with, ‘Yeah, well when I was in Laos/Cambodia/Macao…’

If you want to do some stealth gap year bragging, choose some funny, self-deprecating stories, where something absurd, slapstick, or mildly humiliating occurred. If you know that the punchline to the anecdote is ‘It was really spiritual, actually’ then shelve it in favour of a story about you having to eat an unusual insect, or getting the shits.

Readers, please go to the comments to give Tom advice about humblebragging; and if you too have some gap year stories you’re bursting to tell, you’re welcome to add them there too. Because unlike fellow students, comments can’t glaze over.

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choices choices choices

October 31, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT234

Here is a question from reluctant philanthropist Jess:

For about six months, I have been volunteering in a charity shop on Saturday afternoons; however, now I am thinking about quitting in the near future. This is mainly due to it taking up my time, which could be better spent doing school work, which I am starting to be overloaded with, having just started my A levels, and doing three subjects which revolve around essays, and one foreign language.

Because it is on a Saturday, it also eats up the time that I could be spending meeting up with friends. Not to mention, the work is incredibly mundane and monotonous, and I really don’t enjoy it. The situation is complicated because I know the assistant manager well, and see her at least once a week, so it’s not like I can just stop turning up and pretend the shop doesn’t exist. What would be the best and politest way to quit without antagonising anyone?!

Erm, the truth? At least the bit of truth that isn’t about the work being boring. Tell the manager that unfortunately you don’t have time because you need to study for your A levels. Why would anyone bother arguing with that?

Since we’re on the subject of A-Levels, here’s a question from Johnny from Brighton:

My friend wants to be a doctor, but thanks to some dodgy lecture at our school about ‘what employers REALLY want’ he thinks that he should do RE as well as his medical stuff to add some ‘range’.

Now, normally I would only feel kind of wonky about this but he’s only doing it because he believes it will be easy. Surely at A-Level you should do what you want to be able to do for the rest of your life? Unless he’s got some hidden urge to become a pastor he hasn’t told me about, I feel he’s making a huge mistake!

Answer me this, should I try and get him to change his mind or should I just not stick my nose where it doesn’t belong?

Well, Johnny, you do seem unusually concerned about your friend’s subject choices. The real question, I think, is why do you instinctively wish to control him? If you can’t face examining yourself, suggest he take Psychology A level instead, so eventually he may be able to explain your negative urges to you.

Anyway, have you discounted the notion that perhaps he is actually interested in theology? And given that wannabe medics have to do several hard-to-bluff subjects such as advanced maths and sciences, sitting an exam that is slightly less demanding is quite a pragmatic decision. Maybe the RE would even be a complementary choice, as he would be able to perform the last rites over his patients if he turns out not to be a very good doctor.

His other option is to ‘add range’ by enjoying a variety of extra-curricular activities (such as working in a charity shop like Jess!). However, I can’t speak for employers of medics, but I don’t how important ‘range’ is to them rather than ‘excellence at medicine’. By the time he has completed his seven years of medical training, I doubt they will be particularly interested in what he did at school. If he doesn’t appear to be a well-rounded individual by then, they won’t be convinced that he is one because he did Duke of Edinburgh, swimming and tap dance when he was sixteen.

Lastly, I must dispute your assertion that your A level choices will necessarily have anything to do with the rest of your life. I had to decide mine when I was fourteen! It is a mercy that none of the decisions I made then proved binding at all.

That said, had there been A levels in podcasting or self-employment, I certainly would have been tempted. Frankly, Russian hasn’t come in particularly handy. YET.

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LoveFilm

October 18, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT232

Uh wella wella wella uh – Leon from Portsmouth is having the time of his life, and he’s never felt this way before:

I’m forty in a month’s time, and I’ve found myself becoming increasingly nostalgic. This is less of a worry than I first feared. I’m actually embracing it, but I am displaying some O.C.D. tendencies.

I downloaded the entire Bond catalogue the other night, stopped wearing my quirky flat-cap (on a rakish angle), have little desire for liaisons with younger females, and yearn for a quieter life.

This could mean – GAME OVER!

I do think about my earlier days of courting, and after a discussion with fellows of the same age, we realised that we ALL had to endure a selection of films (with prospective girlfriends).
We are agreed on the top three (in no particular order):

Grease
An Officer and a Gentleman
Dirty Dancing

So… Olly, answer me this:

What girly movies did you have to tolerate, for the possibility of touching a lady bits?

Hang on just one minute, Leon – firstly, those are Olly’s favourite films. Any lady who wants to get with him needs to resign herself to a triple bill.

Secondly, I am a lady and have never forced anybody to sit through those films with me! In fact I haven’t even seen one of them. SO THERE. (My top three would be Heathers, Clueless and Strictly Ballroom, if you insist.)

Readers, go to the comments and list the films you have endured in pursuit of romance. It’s not just men putting up with it, you know – I’ve sat through Aliens more times than I care to remember. Fuck off, Newt. Just fuck off.

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shock the monkey. Go on, shock it

October 16, 2012

CLICK HERE FOR AMT232

We’ve heard of sock monkeys, but not shocked monkeys, until we received this email from Larry:

While driving around with my teenage son, Peter Gabriel’s “Shock the Monkey” came on the radio. After 4 minutes of being told over and over to shock the monkey, we’re not quite sure what he wants us to do. Is this an expression with some other meaning? Or is Mr. Gabriel suggesting that we toss a plugged-in toaster into the tub the next time a chimp takes a bath???

I’ve tried reading through the lyrics, but all I can gather is that Peter Gabriel has probably dropped a lot of acid in his lifetime.

Firstly, Larry, thankyou for directing our attention to this song which we’d never encountered before. The video looks like Peter Gabriel is starring in a Matthew Bourne ballet alongside the Pixar lamp.

Though some have spent considerable effort delving into the meaning of this song, we have usually found that the vast majority of baffling-sounding songs are about either drugs, sex or masturbation. Sometimes a combo. So readers, cast your votes:

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