Archive for the ‘extracurricular questions’ Category

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

baby blockers

April 18, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT252 •••

Our next questioneer Voni from Birmingham is like, baby, baby, baby urrrgh, like baby, baby, baby, NOOOO:

Last weekend a friend of mine had her first baby. As per usual with new parents, she’s been putting pictures of the baby on Facebook and everybody and their mum’s been cooing over them. I’m really happy for her, as I know she really wanted this child and she’s obviously delighted with him. However, I just do not care!

I think I’m suffering some sort of grown up fatigue, as everyone around me at the moment is either buying houses, getting married or popping sprogs. Although I’ve been with my boyfriend for ten years, I have no interest in getting married or having kids. This is very difficult for people to comprehend, and I’m constantly barraged with questions about when I’m getting hitched or knocked up. One charming person even said, ‘He can’t really love you if he’s not proposed to you!’ Quite frankly, I’m sick and bloody tired of it.

I think my friend having this baby is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m so tired about hearing about other people’s kids and wedding plans, I just can’t muster the enthusiasm required of me for these situations. So, answer me this: Am I a horrible person for not caring about this baby?

If you are, then you can join the legion of horrible people who email us similarly lamenting the onset of the new generation, especially when it shits up their Facebook feeds with countless photos of infants.

Happily for you, software has come to your rescue: unbaby.me is a Chrome plug-in that replaces baby photos on Facebook with pictures of other things.

I’ll let you know when they come up with a plug-in to block out mortgage- and marriage-chat.

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

the PC (pipe cleaners) brigade vs the PC (politically correct) brigade

April 17, 2013

CT P60VI

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT252 •••

Release the ‘Political Correctness gone MAD’ hounds, to chomp on this question from Nathan from Nottingham:

Recently my wife bought a load of stuff from the community art shop including a bag full of pipe cleaners of various colours and sizes.

As I was playing with them with my nearly-2-year-old son, showing him how to bend them into a little pair of glasses or a stickman, I said, “These are called pipe cleaners.” Then my wife piped up (pardon the pun), “You can’t call them pipe cleaners any more, it’s not politically correct.” Apparently it would be promoting pipe-smoking.

Call me stupid but up until that moment I had no idea they were called pipe cleaners because they were used to clean pipes, especially not smoker’s pipes. I thought it was just hypothetical cos, yeah, that would clean a tiny pipe if you ever needed to clean one.

I asked about their new name. They’re now called… chenille sticks. Seriously?! If we have to rename them why not focus on what they are for (craft wire?) or what they are like. I suggested the name “fuzzy benders” before realising that probably wouldn’t catch on.

So answer me this, would any kids really take up pipe smoking because of exposure to pipe cleaners? And can you please think of a better name than ‘chenille sticks’ (or ‘fuzzy benders’)?

Readers, do propel yourselves to the comments to answer the following questions:

1. Did you take up smoking as a direct result of playing with pipe cleaners when you were a child?

2. Have you ever cleaned any sort of pipe with a pipe cleaner? (Keep your answers U-rated, thanks)

3. Since hardly anybody is going to answer ‘Yes’ to question 2, if pipe cleaners rarely actually clean pipes, what would be a more appropriate name for pipe cleaners? (Again, I invite you to keep it suitable for the children.)

4. The term ‘politically correct’ hardly makes sense, does it?

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Posted in extracurricular questions | 17 Comments »

cicada celebration

April 10, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT251 •••

For the first time ever on AMT, we have a question of cicadas. It is from Sam from Charlottesville, Virginia:

I live on the east coast of the United States, and every 17 years millions of cicadas emerge from the ground to fill the skies and cover the trees as they produce the next generation of cicadas.

This spring marks 17 years since the last time it happened, so answer me this: what should I do to commemorate this event? The last time it happened I was quite young, but now I have more agency, so I should be better able to take advantage of the opportunities it offers, whatever they may be.

Ordinarily I am not one for eating insects, but I don’t have a shellfish allergy, and it seems a shame to let them all go to waste. Are there any good recipes for cicadas? What beers, wines, and liquors pair well with cicadas? Are there any good theme parties that incorporate cicadas?

Readers, over to you: how best to celebrate this momentous event? Dressing like a cicada? Strapping on your prosthetic proboscis and getting hammered on sap? Emulating the cicada’s song by choosing a John Secada number at karaoke?

Or, battening down the hatches and hiding indoors until you’re certain the other nine Biblical plagues aren’t going to follow?

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Tags:
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | Leave a Comment »

nothing for money

April 10, 2013

champagne

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT251 •••

Reader, feel free to go to the comments to answer the following question from Anon; alternatively, charge five people £20 each to answer it on your behalf. For Anon asks a question of pyramid schemes:

Can you please advise on the best way to explain to a family member that the new venture that they are incredibly excited about is CLEARLY a pyramid scheme and that they will never see a return on the thousands of pounds that they have already pumped into it?

Other family members seem happy to go along with it because it is making the person in question happy at the moment, but this is infuriating as I feel something needs to be said. The trouble is I have been known to have a condescending demeanour on issues such as this and I don’t want to be horrible, so I need some help!

If you really don’t want to be horrible, how about ignoring your relation’s business follies and instead concentrate on your own anger issues, hmmm?

Anyway, the time to have discouraged them from joining a pyramid scheme would have been BEFORE they ‘invested’ thousands of pounds in it. Now it’s too late, you might as well shut up, sit back and enjoy watching the disillusionment set in.

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Tags:, , , ,
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 2 Comments »

excommunicate your ex

April 10, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT251 •••

Today we hear from two lovelorn ladies. The first is Hannah from Diss, Norfolk:

I am currently suffering from the great agony of heartbreak. I keep contacting the guy (my first and only boyfriend) who dumped me, who I’ve been with for 2 years, and he will always text me back. I’m not moving on! How do I break my need for contact with him and move on??

Your need for contact with him will diminish the less you contact him. Sure, that’s a mean old cycle there, but it is up to you to break it: there is no external force which will do that for you (although it would help if he didn’t reply; what does he think he’s playing at, huh?). Try following the classic two-phase recovery process.

First phase: Prevention. Delete his number. This is not an act of hostility, but of self-preservation. Make it more difficult to contact him. While you’re at it, block him from appearing in your Facebook feed; ignore his tweets; cast him into the distant shadows of LinkedIn, or whatever it is people do on there, I dunno.

Second phase: distraction. Keep yourself busy. Gather your friends and/or relatives and socialise. Go on rambles. Join classes. Form a book group. Make sure that you fill every possible moment that you’ll otherwise spend pining for him, and meanwhile, encourage yourself towards activities through which you meet new people; no, not so you find a new boyfriend – although let’s not rule it out – but so you interact with people who have no idea about your heartbreak, and who do not plant you in the context of being your ex’s girlfriend.

Run the two phases concurrently, and be plucky, Hannah. Be plucky.

Now here’s Helen‘s partnership problem:

If you have been shagging someone for over 2 1/2 years but it’s still a secret, are they shagging someone else as well?

Not necessarily, but they’re sure as hell not especially bothered about you. Move on. You can follow the phases as outlined above for Hannah, if that helps wean you off. And next time, remember there surely is a time limit for a shagging-only/friends-with-benefits/funbuddy relationship, and unless you only meet up once every few months or less frequently, it is one year. You do not get to celebrate a ruby anniversary with a funbuddy, Helen.

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

For Misuse Only

April 4, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT250 •••

Here’s a question of national – nay international! – importance from Will from Ipswich:

Ok, so I recently learned that one can purchase a packet of 100 stickers which read “For rectal use only” from the internet fairly cheaply.

Obviously I bought a pack.

Now, answer me this! Where would you stick these stickers?? I was thinking the kitchen utensil aisle at Tesco?

Readers, go to the comments straightaway to deliver your suggestions. I’m sure you have some very satirical ideas.

This seems to me to belong in the same chapter of the Prank Lexicon as a jape committed by a schoolfriend (whose brother, coincidence fans, shared a room with Olly at boarding school! small world etc etc). He collected Professional Lady Cards from phoneboxes, then went down to the Sevenoaks branch of Tesco and hid them inside ice cream cartons.

Of course nowadays this would cause a tabloid OUTRAGE and Tesco would have to decontaminate each of its branches and incinerate all the ice cream; but it was the mid-90s, so nobody cared.

Anyway, please endeavour not to stick funny stickers anywhere that could endanger health, and especially not anywhere that will later ruin someone’s special treat of pie a la mode.

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 1 Comment »

no-mates workmates

April 3, 2013

the_office_708_jim_feeding_dwight

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT250 •••

Our next questioneer, Claire in Nottingham, is a lone wolf at her workplace, and would like to stay that way:

I currently have a conundrum concerning some workmates who constantly want to socialise with me. While I sometimes enjoy their presence during the odd lunch break, they have become increasingly annoying and sometimes even offend my sensitive nature (eg racist/sexist remarks).

As I have a variety of other non-work related close friends and a live-in partner, and one of these workmates doesn’t, I have indulged her need to socialise with a few cafe visits. Because of the reasonable frequency of these meet-ups, I now find it increasingly hard to wriggle out of them. I’ve even had a dinner invitation and desperately don’t want to go.

How can you politely decline without destroying your work life? ‘I can’t make it that day’ doesn’t seem to work for the permanently friendless.

There are various different approaches:

1. The reality TV deflection: ‘I’m not here to make friends.’ Underline the point by putting this as your email signature.

2. The boldfaced truth: ‘I don’t like to mix my work life and my non-work life. Remember when my brother turned up to the office one day as a birthday surprise, and I refused to see him? No exceptions.’ Underline the point by issuing a pan-company request that photos of loved ones on computer desktops be banned immediately.

3. The barefaced lie: ‘All my spare time is completely busy at the moment, because I’m doing an Open University degree/caring for my elderly mother/on day release from prison.’ Underline the point by getting an Open University degree/ordering mobility aids over the phone at work/wearing an ankle tag.

Readers, please add your helpful suggestions in the comments. The winner’s prize will be a full hour’s lunch with Claire (during which she is immediately called away for an emergency Skype conference with the Rotterdam office, and never returns).

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 1 Comment »

sound as a pound

April 3, 2013

pound-coins-300x199

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT250 •••

Here’s a question of cash from Dave from Australia, where the banknotes are made of plastic so you don’t kick yourself for leaving a tenner in your trouser pocket when you put them through the wash. Dave says:

A mate of mine went on a holiday in the UK, when he returned he had a one pound coin in his jacket pocket.

He noticed this coin had some writing on the edge.

So answer me this:

What does this writing mean? Is it on all of your coins or just the one pound?

As all Brits are fluent in Latin, we know that the slogan ‘Decus et tutanem’* which appears on the edge of a pound means ‘An ornament and a safeguard’: the writing is ornamental, because otherwise the edge of the pound might look boring; and historically it was also a safeguard, as people used to shave metal off the edges and sell it on, back when coins were still made of precious metals. Though nowadays a pound coin is not worth that much, and a few tiny scrapings off the edge will not attract many bids on eBay, we still have not altered this system. It’s surely only a matter of time before there are advertising slogans around there.

There is only writing on the £1 and £2 coins, as the others are not thick enough to have much good reading around the sides. On the £2 coin it says ‘Standing on the shoulders of giants’, in tribute to the fourth album by that most British of bands, Oasis.

If you are enthralled by the subject of the £2 coin and crave more, I direct you to AMT166.

*Yes, Wales and Scotland, I know you have regional variants, but let’s not force Dave to run before he can walk.

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Tags:, , , ,
Posted in extracurricular questions | Leave a Comment »

Minecraft dick

March 27, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT249 •••

Here’s a sad question from Eddy from Colchester, aged 11:

My best friend I’ve been with since I was four years old.

Tomorrow is his birthday party and I’ve been to every single party since we were four. So now he has not invited me to this birthday party just because i don’t play Minecraft in the evenings with him.

So answer me this, is my friend being a dick?

Yes.

That’s not a comforting answer; nor is the fact that I doubt Minecraft is solely responsible for the schism. Perhaps you are growing apart. You’ve spent some 60 per cent of your lives as best friends; change may be upon you. You could test this by agreeing to play Minecraft with him and seeing if he becomes cordial again.

Whatever the reason, he’s still being a dick. Does Minecraft turn people into dicks?

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Tags:, , , , ,
Posted in extracurricular questions | 1 Comment »

idiots abroad

March 27, 2013

The Inbetweeners Movie

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT249 •••

Another question of trips from Chris in London:

A couple of friends and I are going on a “lads’ holiday” this summer. We have started talking about where we want to go and the consensus is an 18-30s all-inclusive with the sort of alcohol fuelled street of bars and clubs one sees on BBC3 doumentaries involving a teenager vomiting in the street and flashing various bodily parts at passing emergency service vehicles.

I am all for the idea of a lad’s holiday and would even like to double the laddiness of my holiday by seducing men. So, answer me this, do any of the famous libidinous holiday towns of “wahey lads” fame (suggestions currently being made are Ayia Napa and Magaluf) also have reasonable gay scenes?

I am ambivalent about chosing a holiday location on such a basis but having seen the BBC3 documentaries I am lead to believe that my two friends will spend the week endlessly tickling one lady’s tonsils after another’s. After such apparitions, I imagine I would want us to have a night or two somewhere I can experience the same cocktail of germs and STDs. Is this an achievable goal? Am I doomed to resent my friends or to go cottaging in Cyprus?

Hmm, not sure you’d have super holiday fun in Cyprus right now whatever your sexual orientation. Other than that, I have no knowledge at my disposal with which to help you; even back when I was a member of the 18-30 age group, a booze-fuelled week in Camp Chlamydia was the opposite of my idea of fun.

Fortunately for you though, Chris, Team AMT contains far more hedonistic members; so readers, travel to the comments and let Chris know whether there’s a destination that will provide myriad sexual targets for him and his friends, or whether Chris would be better off saving up to go to Fire Island or Sydney Mardi Gras while his heterofriends terrorise the Med.

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Tags:,
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 1 Comment »

ex excursion

March 27, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT249 •••

Lady Luck prefers not to bestow lady-luck on Joe in Seattle, as we have previously documented. Behold his latest woman-woe:

I have written in recently inquiring about the intricacies of how to tell if somebody doesn’t want to go on a second date with me. Believe it or not, I have successfully had repeat dates in the past, sometimes for years on end. My most recent ex and I broke up last June and are still good friends, but recently she has been suggesting going on a trip together.

I have no objections to this except that I think it might be a disaster. I am worried that we might spend the whole time butting heads over both inane, pointless disagreements and larger assumptions that we thought we shared about what we would do on the trip. It’s a lot harder to deal with that when there’s no sex at the end of the day.

So answer me this: how do I tell her that I think this is a bad idea without hurtfully saying, “I don’t want to go on a trip with you”? I can’t keep dodging the question forever.

Readers, take a trip to the comments right now and advise Joe in Seattle as to the best rebuff. Based on one thing we already know Joe (he’s a musician), I’d suggest intimating to her that you can’t afford a trip right now (based on one thing we already know about most musicians – they’re rarely rolling in spare money). Based on another thing we know about Joe (he’s in the USA), I think he could alternatively pretend that he’s saving his vacation time for later (based on one thing we already know about most Americans – they are allowed about ten minutes’ annual leave).

I’m more curious to know why Joe’s ex is so keen to take a trip with him, anyway. The break-up is still a bit too recent for them to be recast as just good old friends, with no awkwardness or residual tension. Is she perhaps hankering after a Joe re-run?

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 1 Comment »

faraway weddings

March 6, 2013

••• CLICK HERE FOR AMT248 •••

It’s always Wedding Season at AMT, and here’s a question of nuptuals from Jim from Tewkesbury

A couple of years ago a dear childhood friend of mine hooked up with an American broad working over here in the UK. They moved Stateside a few months ago to be near her family, and happily they are soon to be married. I have been asked to be Best Man, and while this is a great honour which I have accepted, I have recently been wondering if I should let him down.

The wedding is in New Jersey, and while researching flights and hotels I have discovered that holidaying in America is ferociously expensive. My girlfriend is currently out of work and we’re saving to buy a house, and although we have the money I don’t want to spend that much to go to a wedding at this time.

So answer me this; should we:
A. Carelessly splurge our savings now, miss out on the wedding and be a Very Bad Friend, or
B. Plan to go and visit them next year when my ladyfriend and I will hopefully be employed and solvent, and be able to spend some quality time with them?

I’m a bit confused by your options, Jim. If you’re missing the wedding in option A, on what are you splurging your savings? Why are neither of the options ‘Go to the wedding’? Because although we usually advise couples to be circumspect about the likelihood of friends from abroad making it to their weddings, if you’re such a good friend that you’ve been asked to be best man, you really should try to go. Even if your girlfriend has to stay home, and you’re couchsurfing while you’re over there.

Do talk it over with your friend, though. Perhaps he can suggest cunning money-savers, people you could stay with, and at the very least excuse you from expensive stag adventures or all the pricey pre-wedding jollies that the Americans have managed to invent.

In 2009 my haphazard income forced me to miss the California wedding of a pair of my favourite friends, and I still regret it. This may be skewing my response to this question, so readers, go to the comments and tell Jim where to go. As it were.

If you do decide not to go, Jim, suggest your friend replaces you with something even better than a best man, like this fellow did.

ALBUMS • iTUNES • CLASSIC EPISODES • BOOK • QUESTION ARCHIVE • FAQ
iPHONE APP • ANDROID APP • FACEBOOK • TWITTER • YOUTUBE • MERCH

Tags:, , ,
Posted in extracurricular questions, User-generated answers | 5 Comments »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »