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a cheese in the hand

May 11, 2015
Phwoaarr!

Phwoaarr!

••• CLICK HERE TO CATCH UP ON AMT313 •••

Remember the AMT303 question about an online dater seeking handjobs with cheese, and the feedback in AMT304 about the notorious aficionado of such, the Swiss Cheese Pervert?

Well, even if you don’t, the above paragraph probably filled in the blanks.

Kate from Pennsylvania has further news of such:

I was amazed that the local story of the legendary Cheese Pervert reached across the pond when Liz in Brooklyn asked how a cheese hand job would be performed. It seems this man cast a wide net on dating sites, as one of my best friends told me the same story about five years ago.

It turns out that the man in question grew quite desperate and was arrested in Philadelphia for, well, “presenting” himself to women with cheese in hand. The story made the local news, and it turns out that I actually have several friends who received similar messages, and there is a definitive answer to the question from the man himself.

Liz was correct, and his preference is slices of Swiss cheese.

Here’s an article that includes one of his dating site messages, with a link to his subsequent arrest.

Thanks for the confirmation, Kate, that the correct medium for the cheesy hand job is sliced Swiss cheese. It would be terribly embarrassing for our listeners if they greeted their online assignation with a Mini Babybel or luscious Vacherin. What a boner-killer.

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Antarctica alum

April 30, 2015

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AMT312 feedback JUST in from Troy Sexhammer:

Having literally just got back today from two and a half years working on a British Antarctic Survey base I was excited when I updated my podcasts to find AMT had a question on just this.

Firstly, there are plenty of non-scientist jobs on the British bases; builders and technicians, computer and communications specialists, boat teams, mountaineers, chefs and cleaning and maintenance crews.

Secondly, I had no psychological profiling before heading south and I’m fine.

Thirdly, am I weird for wanting to see penguins, albatrosses, whales and icesheets? I always laughed at the fact that Olly is a grown man who is into Disney, show tunes and a cat. Or are we two ends of some sort of interest bell-curve, pushed to the side by the sport and Top Gear-dominated middle ground?

But how did you get your job, Mr Sexhammer? That’s what questioneer S needs to know!

As for your bell curve: you and Olly can probably meet in the middle at the dancing penguins from Mary Poppins.

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AMT312 corrections

April 29, 2015

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Make the following amendments to your MP3 of AMT312. Jonathan writes:

I wanted to comment on your discussion of the word “yogurt”. The word indeed comes from Turkish, and is spelled “yoğurt” there, with the root of the word being the verb “yoğur”, which means “to create [something] by adding water to a condensed fermenting agent”. The suffix “-t” transforms this root to give it the meaning “a product of”. Thus the final word, i.e. yoğur + t, means “a foodstuff that is the product of curdling/condensing”.

In terms of the pronunciation, I’m afraid you were a little off. The accented g, i.e. “ğ”, which the Turks refer to as “soft g”, isn’t really a “g” sound at all, nor is it the harsh, throaty “chhh” sound (similar to the “ch” in “challah”) you made in the episode, which wouldn’t be a sound found naturally in the Turkish language (except in maybe a tiny handful of imported foreign words, and even then, in significantly softened down form).

Instead, the Turkish “soft g” is not at all assertive. In fact, it’s barely a sound. The closest approximation of “ğ” is like a soft throat “w” but without the lip-rounding. Often times, most foreigners pronouncing a “soft g” can away with simply lengthening the vowel that precedes it.

So the Turkish pronunciation of yogurt is simply yo-urt. You can hear this yourself at this link. Of the three pronunciations available, the best and most accurate one is the first, recorded by user “zlvrzz”.

Lee in London comments:

I felt the need to correct Olly on some of the things he said regarding the books/props in the House of Commons.

The books on display in the front are not bibles but are in fact the books listing the orders for the house, and the procedures that need to be followed for all debates and discussions in the chamber. Though he was correct that MPs do need to swear an oath on a bible which are also available in that massive central bit.

The burnt bible Olly referred to as having been damaged by WW2 bombs in actually in the dispatch box for the opposition side, and a fresh new bible is in the dispatch box for the Government side. This is I was told similar to the swearing to tell the truth as you would on a bible in court but on a simpler scale.

I know this little tidbits of information as I use to work in said building and knew people who had worked there for decades who imparted this knowledge to me as I impart it to you.

And now we impart it to you. Pass it on!

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grower not a shower

April 29, 2015

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A listener who asked to remain anonymous has shared this highlight(er) of her sex life:

I have some sage advice for Holly from Aberdeen in episode 312, who got in touch about the uninspiring length of her new lover’s schlong. I’d echo your advice in sticking with him, or at least looking beyond the end of his very short knob.

I too went through a very similar situation. The first time I slept with one excellent man last year (with whom I got on with famously and fancied the pants off), I was left deflated by not only by his small love muscle, but also the lacklustre performance he gave in the bedroom. While we got on so well, I did have doubts about whether I could continue seeing someone who couldn’t satisfy me sexually.

However, the next time we slept together – and every time thereafter – was EXTREMELY satisfying. His tallywhacker seemed to almost double in size. Although, I never whipped out the tape measure to verify this, but let’s say he didn’t leave me wanting.

I never questioned him about it, but in the end I put our first disastrous intercourse attempt down to the amount of alcohol we had drunk that evening (we’d had SO much to drink), lack of sleep and, dare I say it, nerves. Which may well have been the case for the “tall, handsome, strapping” fella who Holly has dismissed already.

Granted, me and this bloke I’m referring to aren’t together any more, but that’s not the moral of the story – the moral is that the first time you have sex with somebody doesn’t always give you a true perspective of what your sex life future will be.

I do hope Holly doesn’t dump him, but sticks with him a little longer (to see if he gets a little longer…).

P.S. When I listened to you discussing Holly’s conundrum, there was a man sitting in my eyeline, using a regular-sized Stabilo highlighter. I will never look at a Stabilo highlighter in the same way.

Nor will any of us, dear.

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fans’ underwear: the aftermath

April 14, 2015

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Here’s the stage-eye view of the practice of impassioned underwear-throwing at concerts, as discussed in AMT308. Connor writes:

I recently worked as a lighting technician on One Direction’s Sydney show.

On their tour Down Under, bras and garments from down under so to speak were tossed on stage. As one of the first people on stage after the show, I saw the cleaning staff just scooping them up with gloves on and tossing them in the bin.

In a rather lovely moment of classic rock behaviour intersecting with the digital age, the few bras that were still on stage as I was working all had the Twitter handles of the throwers with pleas for the boys to follow them, as having 1D follow you apparently is the ultimate achievement these days for some tweens.

What an analogue approach to web 2.0 comms.

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beans means Who

April 1, 2015

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Does anyone know of an earlier instance of a baked bean bath than this one supplied by Drew from Knoxville, Tennessee? He writes:

With two episodes now discussing baked bean baths, I’m shocked no one had referenced what arguably may be the first verifiable instance of the practice: Roger Daltrey reportedly risked pneumonia shooting the cover for The Who Sell Out in 1966. Apparently the beans were cold. Daltrey does look dazed and uncomfortable in the photo. Of course it was for parody, not charity.

The Who did in fact include on the album a jingle for Heinz Baked Beans. Eight years later, Ken Russell forced Ann-Margret to swim in baked beans (and soap suds and chocolate sauce) for several days of filming a scene for The Who’s Tommy.

Warning: this scene is harrowing viewing. Like a dirty protest in a bikini.

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stay strong, Lizzie!

April 1, 2015

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Unfortunate questioneer Lizzie was made redundant in AMT308 and dumped by her long-term live-in boyfriend in AMT310. But if it’s any comfort, Lizzie, you’re not the only questioneer to become jobless, dumped and homeless in the space of a month. Sam currently in the Netherlands writes:

Basically the same thing happened to me in January of 2013. It was hard work at the time, but in retrospect it was great.

Less than a month later I had an offer of a nice job in another country which I took, and just less than a year ago I met my current girlfriend in that country. The job was a bit better paid than my last one so I have even managed to start saving money for the first time since I went to University.

So, I’d say that as well as being positive, take this opportunity to do something with your life that you would have liked to do but haven’t considered for long because of personal responsibilities.

And put you ex’s nads in a jar.

We’re all rooting for you, Lizzie! As Yazz would tell you, the only way is up*. Let us know if you need to borrow a jar.

*I hope this isn’t tempting fate. I really don’t want Lizzie to call in AMT312 to tell us that all of her loved ones died and she’s broken her collarbone.

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Yazz sightings

March 31, 2015

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Behold the following correspondence from Ellie, 24, from Newhaven, East Sussex, having escaped from Bangor, Northern Ireland:

Your Yazz-related jingle from episode 310 reminded me of a Yazz-related occurance from my latter years of secondary school.

Stick with me…

In my A-level history class, two girls were discussing someone called Yazz who was singing with their church (Hamilton Road Church, Bangor, Northern Ireland).
“Yazz?” I enquired, as it is a peculiar name.

“Maybe her parents liked 80s singer Yazz, as in, ‘The Only Way Is Up’?” I joked. No one chortled but, nonetheless, I didn’t expect them to know the reference.

“Oh, is THAT the name of her song?” one girl replied. “Yeah, someone was saying she sang in the 80s.”

I’m not a Christian myself, but I asked my god-fearing auntie whether this was true and sure enough, Yazz visits and sings with the church often.

Answer me this: what the ruddy heck was Yazz doing in Bangor of all places?

Secondly, is ‘The Only Way Is Up’ some reference to heaven?!?!

As a 80s music enthusiast and sinner, I must know.

Firstly, I assume Bangor is a stop on Yazz’s regularish tours performing songs from her recent Christian albums. Secondly, Yazz didn’t write ‘The Only Way Is Up’ herself, but you certainly could interpret the lyrics as having an ecclesiastical spin. (You could also reasonably interpret them as being about a lover, a friend, or a merry band of squatters.)

Readers, feel free to analyse Yazz’s movements and spiritual life, AND/OR to share your own Yazz tales. Ever had an interesting interaction with Yazz? Or a barely Yazz-adjacent experience like Ellie’s? The only way is down, because that’s where the layout puts the comments.

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humanising the human statues

March 17, 2015

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Angela from Seattle writes:

I’m just catching up on a few episodes I missed.

Re AMT287, I see our well known painted statue gentleman walk through the neighborhood to catch the bus quite often. He is also regularly downtown at the bus stop and outside his post at Pike Place. Regularly in the rain with no running of his body paint. It astounds me.

When I see him walking past my house I always want to say hello and invite him in for a drink but alas, what is the protocol there? Answer me this: how does one go about convincing a living statue to come in and chat? (Is that creepy?! I am so curious about how and what he does outside of work.)

Readers, do you think there’s a romantic element to Angela’s interest in the human statue? Does she want to Pygmalion this situation?

Whether you do or not, head to the comments to suggest non-creepy ways for Angela to extend the hand of friendship – and also to discover the secrets of his stay-put make-up.

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Fifty Shades of Prank

March 17, 2015

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We love a good prank and we love a happy ending, so we double-love this correspondence from Richard in Finsbury Park:

In AMT303 you talked about my inappropriate prank on my elderly mum. I had put Fifty Shades of Grey on her Kindle with the names of the main characters changed to my mum and dad’s: Christine and Frank.

Well finally she has read the thing. I was worried she might go ape when she rumbled me. She didn’t. Look at the email she sent me. I think I have the best natured parent on the planet.

Well you little bugger, I have been making such a fool of myself as I thought that the characters in 50 Shades were really called Frank and Christine. It would never have occurred to me that the names throughout a whole book could be changed. This morning in the hairdressers I asked a lady who had read the trilogy why the names had changed in the second book. She said they hadn’t and when I said they were Frank and Christine, Lee said ‘I think someone has been having you on’. Then the penny dropped and everyone in the shop was in stitches. I don’t know how you did it and I had been telling people what a coincidence it was, how silly am I. Dad said, ‘Well, that is a typical Richardism,’ so now you can have a good laugh. Wait ’til you get here and you might find your flies sewn up or one leg off your trousers!

Mum

So answer me this: what can I do to wind her up next?

It’s surely her turn to prank you in return, isn’t it? But if you really want to risk a second round, perhaps some of the AMT squad have some cunning ideas. Readers, go to the comments and suggest a jape. I still think you’ll be hard pushed to beat Richard’s original prank, but I feel you’re up to the challenge.

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wedding present pay-off

March 16, 2015

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We are pleased to hear back from Matri-Money Troubles from Kent and also AMT306:

Thanks very much for your advice. Your chat raised some good points and ultimately you were right: the groom is a good friend, it’s one day (hopefully) and I shouldn’t be such an arse about it. In the end I stuffed an envelope with a wad of cash, put it in his hand and wished them a happy honeymoon.

And boy was I glad I took your advice when, during the speeches, he thanked me for all I had done, all my help, and for being such a good friend, before giving me a rather expensive thank you gift in front of everyone.

Had I not followed your advice I would’ve:

a) felt like a dick; and
b) looked like a dick.

Thanks for saving my arse.

You’re welcome, MMT. Don’t think of it as a wedding gift; think of it as an investment in the future of your friendship. Cheap at twice the price!

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Beans Gallery

March 11, 2015

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In things-we-didn’t-know-we-wanted-but-are-sort-of-pleased-you’ve-decided-to-give-us news:

Following the baked bean bath chat in AMT309, some of you have, of your own volition, decided to get busy with the photoshop. Click on the images for the full-sized pictures, and bean artist credits.

(Mar)tin of beans
Helen and Martin prepare Olly’s bean bath, by Sally. http://www.weepaperpeople.co.uk/2015/03/12/answer-me-this-bean-bath/
Olly in Bean Bath, by Sally of http://www.weepaperpeople.co.uk/
Heeeere’s Olly – in Beans, by Simon
Helen Bean and Gone, by Simon

If you are moved to do the same, email your bean masterpieces and we’ll add them to the gallery, for posterity.

PS Remember the AMT Photoshop Challenge? That was fun!

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